Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Problem #1 :My mother in law is not that bad, but she is a widow and comes and stay's with us for 2 - 3 months every year. Other than cooking she never helps around the house or with my children. I never miss her when she leaves because she's like taking a 2 month vacation when ever she visits. I think she wants to stay with us even permanently and I need her to do more around the house than just whatever she feel like. My husbands seems to think she should do whatever she wants also. Tell me how to tackle problem #1.

Problem #2, when my friends come to visit my MIL acts like a guest and is nonstop trying to impress my friends, because she is not local she seems to depend on my friends as a source of company. This is somehthing that I really don't appreciate, but am having a hard time finding a solution. Please help. Give some clever suggestions. Thank you. Why replied. Some issues, that need to be addressed are: why you are not being respected. Its very easy for elderly folks...to show a different side to strangers. God, why in our culture is this permitted? I love the American system!!At least, to my understanding there is respect, equality, and love. You, have to demand an open communication with your family. Yes, this includes the MIL too. Fine, let her live there...but share in the duties as well. I have lived through a hellish sil. How I kept up my act with patience only God knows! To this day...everyone in the family is: Ok, if your brother is happy wtf! Family, was never meant to be fun. Every relationship requires work. This work, should consist of equality, love, and freedom. I will pray for you. Kiddo, let your voice be heard!! NULLNULL replied. Simple, let your friends know what a hypocritical bitch she is. Sorry, for the strong language. In my house, you have to earn your right to stay. Life, in this country is hard enough. The people overseas know this. God, the media exposes the US life daily. MIL, why are some of them so damn asses? Good luck. abc replied. hi vs
i have not only seen my mom i have seen other dil also treating their MIL, it is very easy to give advice like this. be happy in what you get from your elders as one day you too will be that age. i feel frustrated has got a very nice MIL who helps in cooking atleast and does not interfer in their lives. anyway why am i breaking my head on you, it is upto frustrated what she wants and how she wants to handle her MIL. I only pray that frustrated makes a wise decision without hurting her MIL so that later she should not regret listening to others. frustrated know what her MIL likes and dislikes and as mentioned abt concerts etc, i feel not all old ladies in india like to go for all those things because when they were young they never had all those outings and they prefer sitting at home and talking, i am not suggesting that frustrated MIL is like this, i am just saying maybe her MIL will like or will not like so again it is frustrated who should make a decision. what do you think VS
Anyway i liked the way Archie has advised, i had the same thoughts but could not write it in that manner.
vs replied. Dear 'frustrated',you are lucky that your mil is the nice sort but you also deserve credit for not being the kind of dils who want the husbands parents to disappear for good. MIl-dil relationships are complicated and since there is less love in this, more difficult to manage but I understand that you and your mil are managing quite well. It looks like a situation where two nice people are having some adjustment problems. Actually these are minor issues but if you feel they are irritating you, tell your husband about it. Tell him that since your mil and you need eachother and want to maintain a smooth, cordial relationship, It would be good if he can talk to his mother to leave ou alone with your friends. You can maybe schedule meeting friends outside your house. Take your mil to concerts or Indian assosiations where she may find people of her interests. If still unsuccessful, take her on outings so that she doesn't get bored. Good relationship can be maintained only with give and take on both sides and not by one person bending herself backwards. I dont see any reason why 'abc' has to compare your situation with her mothers and draw onesided conclusions. Archie replied. Dear Frustrated

My response may come as a surprise, please forgive me if I am going to say things you won't like.

Trust me India and USA itself are two different country. They have a hugh cultural difference. In any family DIL or MIL are two different people and it's very common that they have certain differences.

A good news is this, you are not having serious trouble with MIL like others mention.

She visit for a long time and only help in Kitchen.
This is a good sign, look at others complain that MIL Only creates problem and don't help in anything. MIL only control their son and add more serious troubles. Your family is far safe from such serious issues, I think you may not want to ignore this positive side.

If you do not like her to stay longer, I think you could propose her in polite way that her visit for a 4 to 5 weeks is good enough for your family.

She has no friends and may be she is used to talk people in India (Like she does at your home with friends). She has lived life like that for years and would be so difficult to alter at this stage. If you can not accept this, then, while your friends are home get her busy with childrens or cooking aspects.

Should you want your MIL to help in other aspects, you need to mention those to her and I hope she will extend her helping hand to you as she would do to her daughter.

We never understand these life problems unless we come across. Believe me you may not have thought what you face today. Similarly when you become MIL you may have something to face. The culture will be different and if you live in USA all the time trust me childrens are not the same like raised in India. I am not blaming, just the way chilren grow here is totally different than India.

Please admit my apologizes if I am offending. But if possible see to co-operate, will help ease your frustration.

Hope you will find solution by yourself from what's told and ease your frustration.

Archie abc replied. hi vs,
just tell me at this old age and in a new country how can her MIL make friends and that too she is not permanently staying with them right now. just think she is not a child to make friends immediately, it is very difficult for a old person to make friends in a new country. just put yourself in her place and think, you dont have your husband and nor do you have your children support what will you do at that time................now you are saying your children play in their own rooms because you are young and i think your friends will be your hubby friends wife or your children's mom. but think how will her MIL make friends when she does not know anyone, again it is the DIL duty to invite her age people or to take her to places where her age people are there. dont you think this will take a lot of time to search people of her age............. abc replied. Hi vs
I think you have not understood what she has written, she has clearly written that in cooking her MIL helps other then that her MIL does not help.... even if her MIL helps in other work i am sure all DIL's want their house to be the way they want, so i feel right that her MIL is helping in cooking atleast which she is comfortable in doing and other house work it is better she does not involve herself as her DIL will think that MIL is involving too much in her life. and regarding her friends i dont think if her MIL talks to them it is going to be a problem, just think how long is she going to live, let her live her life atleast now when she does not have any more responsibilities. why do you'll treat your MIL as if she is OLD. Can you just tell is age a factor to make friends. cant you make friends with any age groups................ i have friends from all ages, and i like to speak to older ladies as i get good advice from them in many things. so i dont think i was rude in advicing frustrated, i felt it is better to tell her that she is wrong then she regretting later in life. vs replied. Hi. I think abc has been too harsh on you. We all have a sense of responsibility and dont want to traumatize anybody but sometimes cannot handle too much at a time. i understand because I was in a joint family for the first few years of my marriage. Since I understand that your mil and you have a good rapport, just ask her to help you. Tell her ina nice way \";Please cut the vegetables for me since I would be doing something else\"; or \";please prepare the salad while I prepare the dough\"; etc. May be you can help her befriend other women her age and invite them over sometimes. I employ a fulltime maid whenever my mil comes over.Its expensive but atleast saves the trouble. abc replied. Hi
I dont think you need to be told, just think if your children friends come to your place dont you talk to them, if your child tells the same thing to you that he does not like you talking or mixing with his/her friends how would you feel. and i feel your husband is right in saying twhat his mom feels like doing let her do, just think whole life she has been doing now when she can rest and have peace you want her to do more things, be thankful to god that you have got a nice MIL who does not dominate you. Would you like your mother to do the same things you are expecting your MIL to do or would like your brother's wife to treat your mother the way you are thinking. I feel you are only thinking about yourself.........
i hope you dont feel bad, but i am saying this as i too have a mother who suffers in the same way the way you are trying to make your MIL suffer.