i talk 2 my inlaws on weekends and my husband talks to them everyday at work. Now, hes immature and tells them everything that goes on in our lives. Eg., the plumber came over, my (husband' s)boss talked abt outsourcing so my job' s at stake.
i am ok with it but dont like it when they have all the info and can manipulate it to their benefit.
And the worst is that my FIL will repeat the incidents over the weekend to me. Last weekend, FIL said ' your garage was leaking - is it ok?
he(abt my husband) seemed real streesed from work?' Now my question is why does he have to repeat everthing to me. I dont mind the little things but when it comes to jobs etc - i dont like it at all.
Another problem is that FIL cannot sit at home(hes 64) and still travels and works in the middle east. MIL is a teacher at school - so she keeps herself busy since FIL is away. MIL has Greencard and FIL is delaying his for tax reasons. They plan to move in with us in the future- thats what i was told by my husband b4 my marriage. Now that they know abt his job situation - they will manipulate it to their benefit. Last year, he had an opportunity which was a 1.15 hr commute and he told my inlaws abt it and they said FIL: ' its your decision' MIL said ' its not advisable' . So, my husband' s point is that we (him & me) will decide and then take input from parents and sister' s husband plus freinds. I dont care for the BIL cos i have talked to him over the phone and he hates my inlaws and his responses r very neutral. I' ve told him earlier that don' t tell people cos they can b jealous etc...indirectly trying to tell him that he should tell everyone once we make the decision. He even told them(his parents) abt all the interviews he went for last year. FIL even called late evenings asking my husband abt interviews. So its really annoying. Plus, even if we talk abt open houses in our community(when MIL visited us last summer), my MIL gets all nervous abt us selling our house-' why do u want to look at houses?' she doesnt understand that we just like to see whats available in our community and the prices they r selling at.
So when my FIL brought it up last weekend abt his job I questioned my husband abt what he told his dad. He was like ' just that i' ll start looking for jobs' . I said I wasn' t feeling too good and felt suffocated - ofcourse it was bothering me that he still tells them everything. We have been married 3 years already. They call sat. & sundays as well.
He gets things immediately...so he knew why i was feeling that way. So, he told me again the same - we will make decisions and then ask for input. He even said later that i was trying to cut him off from his family and so on cos
our decisions would be announced to his parents after they have been made. He said why r u so insecure and always competing. (just a background: My FIL is an orphan and SIL' s MIL passed away after her marriage due to a deadly disesae- so my MIL never had inlaws and SIL' s MIL passed away way bk). I told him that it seems that my opinions dont matter at all after 3 yrs of marriage and he said that i was important to him etc etc. Anyways after all this, there was another discussion the next day on how he wants to open a business and get money from his dad cos of job insecurity. Now, I told him that I' d not want him to get money from his father. He started explaining as to how taking money from parents - he' d not pay any interest and the rest of it would go from home equity loan.
I am not in favor of getting money from parents at all. Thats another way of them moving in with us if he involvs him in the business indirectly thru money. They can also control us with that.
They are not the types who would give money without reason -only due to matlab/selfish reasons. Please advise and analyse.
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i talk 2 my inlaws on weekends and my husband talks to them everyday at work. Now, hes immature and tells them everything that goes on in our lives. Eg., the plumber came over, my (husband' s)boss talked abt outsourcing so my job' s at stake.
i am ok with it but dont like it when they have all the info and can manipulate it to their benefit.
And the worst is that my FIL will repeat the incidents over the weekend to me. Last weekend, FIL said ' your garage was leaking - is it ok?
he(abt my husband) seemed real streesed from work?' Now my question is why does he have to repeat everthing to me. I dont mind the little things but when it comes to jobs etc - i dont like it at all.
Another problem is that FIL cannot sit at home(hes 64) and still travels and works in the middle east. MIL is a teacher at school - so she keeps herself busy since FIL is away. MIL has Greencard and FIL is delaying his for tax reasons. They plan to move in with us in the future- thats what i was told by my husband b4 my marriage. Now that they know abt his job situation - they will manipulate it to their benefit. Last year, he had an opportunity which was a 1.15 hr commute and he told my inlaws abt it and they said FIL: ' its your decision' MIL said ' its not advisable' . So, my husband' s point is that we (him & me) will decide and then take input from parents and sister' s husband plus freinds. I dont care for the BIL cos i have talked to him over the phone and he hates my inlaws and his responses r very neutral. I' ve told him earlier that don' t tell people cos they can b jealous etc...indirectly trying to tell him that he should tell everyone once we make the decision. He even told them(his parents) abt all the interviews he went for last year. FIL even called late evenings asking my husband abt interviews. So its really annoying. Plus, even if we talk abt open houses in our community(when MIL visited us last summer), my MIL gets all nervous abt us selling our house-' why do u want to look at houses?' she doesnt understand that we just like to see whats available in our community and the prices they r selling at.
So when my FIL brought it up last weekend abt his job I questioned my husband abt what he told his dad. He was like ' just that i' ll start looking for jobs' . I said I wasn' t feeling too good and felt suffocated - ofcourse it was bothering me that he still tells them everything. We have been married 3 years already. They call sat. & sundays as well.
He gets things immediately...so he knew why i was feeling that way. So, he told me again the same - we will make decisions and then ask for input. He even said later that i was trying to cut him off from his family and so on cos
our decisions would be announced to his parents after they have been made. He said why r u so insecure and always competing. (just a background: My FIL is an orphan and SIL' s MIL passed away after her marriage due to a deadly disesae- so my MIL never had inlaws and SIL' s MIL passed away way bk). I told him that it seems that my opinions dont matter at all after 3 yrs of marriage and he said that i was important to him etc etc. Anyways after all this, there was another discussion the next day on how he wants to open a business and get money from his dad cos of job insecurity. Now, I told him that I' d not want him to get money from his father. He started explaining as to how taking money from parents - he' d not pay any interest and the rest of it would go from home equity loan.
I am not in favor of getting money from parents at all. Thats another way of them moving in with us if he involvs him in the business indirectly thru money. They can also control us with that.
They are not the types who would give money without reason -only due to matlab/selfish reasons. Please advise and analyse.
vimpi replied. Swati,
You need to focus on the positives. How lucky you get to stay by yourself for a couple more years without inlaws!
Believe me it will be worse when they actually live with you. So enjoy the present.
All inlaws including mine take complete credit for their sons successes. Indeed they bring up their sons reminding them everyday of the number of sacrifices they made to educate them how hard they worked at raising them etc. So no wonder the sons feel heavily obliged to their parents and want to share every thing with them. I have the same story too but I do not get worked up about these issues. You will have to get used to it. I did. Though I do tell my husband at times \" You know all parents even mine have made sacrifices for their kids. We too are sacrificing for our kids. Do you think it will be right for us to go to our kids houses tomorrow and demand that they pay back for the sacrifices we have made and give us credit for their successes and expect them to share every detail of their life with us? My parents did not raise me expecting me to give back to them they raised me with a sense of pure duty without expecting anything but love back. With your parents even though they claim to have read the Gita I do not see them following its teachings\" . My husband knows the truth but like all mamas boys he is an exceptionally good guy so the parents have a hold on him anyway. Over time I have just learned to let it go.
My advice to you is same as Sahelis live in the present and enjoy it!
Saheli replied. Seems like somewhat my past story! Infact, its a all DIL' s story. Sorry fr a long reply, dint hv time to cut short. Just want to help.
Many husband' s tell every little detail to parents and I really dont feel much wrong in that. They have been staying together for years and the inlaws have brought him up since he was a baby. They have the right to know if he sneezes or coughs!
However. As grown-ups, there needs a balance when in-laws try to exploit or hubby opens up details between husb-wife.
And no son will believe that his parents are misusing the details for their selfish benefit, or even if he understands, he might say let it go.
I wd suggest same, let it go for all small issues.
Try and analyse what exact issued you have with all this and pick up only serious ones as issues and let go others.
Sometimes we let every small thing bother us though we can avoid it.
What i mean is, if you hubby is telling them all details and they are calling each other everyday, let it be. They are his parents.
When your FIL is asking you about details your son told him (garage leaking and stuff)... dont be bothered. Either your FIL is really worried about his \" pyara laal\" , or it is because \" what should i talk to DIL on phone?\" ... imagine dear, its not that easy for a FIL to find topics to talk to DIL on phone ... and best he cd do is check if everything is ok with u.
Well, this is just my assumption about ur FIL but whatever it may be, it is a small thing ... its just over phone.. so can be ignored and adjusted as a small problem in married life.
About SIL, BIL and discussing things with them, it wd be better if you dont involve close relatives in family issues as far as possible, even if they are going well with ur family. Let them be away, dont bother too much abt these issues and try address issues by yourself or with ur friends if any.
Are you working? Are you a housewife with no kids? Or housewife with one kid? Another problem I am seeing is you getting time to concentrate on so many things hubby and his parents are doing and get bothered. Please dont mind, and sorry for putting this so straight. If your mind is free and giving you time to think so much about them, then you can try make yourself busy. Or let me say, let them be, these problems are common, and such selfish people are not worth spending our brains on them.
Last and not the least, is about in-laws misusing the details or hubby sharing information that should not be.
Whenever my hubby got a raise or monetory benefit and wd be eager to tell that to my MIL, my heart always said \" we shd not tell her this\" . Dont know why. Later I got the answer.
Like Priti' s post where her mom has become lazy, or Amrita' s post whose mil wastes electrcity, has happened with me. And when I have tried to politely point that out I have got the answer \" my som earns so much, why should i care, get an extra maid\" . (And I already have 2! :-)
I wd not mind if my hubby earned like a king, but when he refuses me for investing in children-schemes saying we dont have enough, and this lady wastes, it really hurts.
Some suggestions.
For next many days stop nagging your hubby for in-laws calls or telling them details. Encourage him instead and you too enthusiastically talk to inlaws every detail. Hubby will like the change in u and start respecting u.
Once thats settled, one fine day talk to him and request him not to share very details with inlaws. Give valid reasons that he should agree to. Give examples like \" if you tell them about your money they will ask for blah blah but i was thinking about investing in a house or for the kid\" .
Show him future, see we need to invest in house, or kid' s education which will be v expensive 20 yrs later and i am not earning, etc etc whatever is applicable to u. Be polite, dont argue, and if he is not agreeing, still close it with a happy tone not with a fight.
So, if this first option doesnt work, you got to take next steps.
Dont know if you are working, but if you are, this will help.
You can also start calling your parents too often, and tell them details. If not parents, start calling sis/someone, or any close relative in US itself. Depending on relation' s closeness, maintain frequency of calling. After you are done chatting on phone, give phone to hubby asking him to say hello. Quite probably, they will also talk about garage-leakage-types to hubby. If hubby objects, say they are close to u and u feel lonely in US so u feel good talking to them.
Dont compare with his parents first time.
If hubby tries to object 2-3 times, remind him he does the same and thats how u feel.
If u talk to ur parents, u r safest .. \" when u can tell ur parents why cant I?\" and moreover, if u r working... ur hubby cant even say ' dont waste money on calling ur parents' .
Third option. If you have a close common family friend, like a couple, u can request that man to suggest your hubby without letting him know it is from u. He shd not let ur hubby suggest directly, instead he shd portray as same case abt his/his friend' s life and say how wrong he was.
As for taking money from parents, you should strictly refuse. Not because they are selfish or anything. Its not right now that he is earning. Whatever is his capability, he shd be managing in that. Parents will always like to help son.
Tell him u r happy in what he earns and say you will not accept taking debt from his parents. Just put ur foot down and dont let it happen.
And for inlaws selfish motives, that is true too. I go thru this always. Whenever my MIL is angry, she asks me to return everything that she has gifted. I have returned her jewelry as a part of that. I only cdnt return the furniture she has gifted, all I can say is ' let me know where you want me to transfer that !\"
2007-03-27
#1
Name: vimpi Subject: Saheli is right
Swati,
You need to focus on the positives. How lucky you get to stay by yourself for a couple more years without inlaws!
Believe me it will be worse when they actually live with you. So enjoy the present.
All inlaws including mine take complete credit for their sons successes. Indeed they bring up their sons reminding them everyday of the number of sacrifices they made to educate them how hard they worked at raising them etc. So no wonder the sons feel heavily obliged to their parents and want to share every thing with them. I have the same story too but I do not get worked up about these issues. You will have to get used to it. I did. Though I do tell my husband at times \" You know all parents even mine have made sacrifices for their kids. We too are sacrificing for our kids. Do you think it will be right for us to go to our kids houses tomorrow and demand that they pay back for the sacrifices we have made and give us credit for their successes and expect them to share every detail of their life with us? My parents did not raise me expecting me to give back to them they raised me with a sense of pure duty without expecting anything but love back. With your parents even though they claim to have read the Gita I do not see them following its teachings\" . My husband knows the truth but like all mamas boys he is an exceptionally good guy so the parents have a hold on him anyway. Over time I have just learned to let it go.
My advice to you is same as Sahelis live in the present and enjoy it!
2007-03-30
#2
Name: Saheli Subject: vimpi and swati
Work load has increased these days and internet availability for sites like these is limited in my office :(
Was busy replying amrita today. Had a look at your discussions and i agree to both of you at many places. Would love to reply but need to get back to work. Will try next time !
2007-03-27
#3
Name: Saheli Subject: re:
Seems like somewhat my past story! Infact, its a all DIL' s story. Sorry fr a long reply, dint hv time to cut short. Just want to help.
Many husband' s tell every little detail to parents and I really dont feel much wrong in that. They have been staying together for years and the inlaws have brought him up since he was a baby. They have the right to know if he sneezes or coughs!
However. As grown-ups, there needs a balance when in-laws try to exploit or hubby opens up details between husb-wife.
And no son will believe that his parents are misusing the details for their selfish benefit, or even if he understands, he might say let it go.
I wd suggest same, let it go for all small issues.
Try and analyse what exact issued you have with all this and pick up only serious ones as issues and let go others.
Sometimes we let every small thing bother us though we can avoid it.
What i mean is, if you hubby is telling them all details and they are calling each other everyday, let it be. They are his parents.
When your FIL is asking you about details your son told him (garage leaking and stuff)... dont be bothered. Either your FIL is really worried about his \" pyara laal\" , or it is because \" what should i talk to DIL on phone?\" ... imagine dear, its not that easy for a FIL to find topics to talk to DIL on phone ... and best he cd do is check if everything is ok with u.
Well, this is just my assumption about ur FIL but whatever it may be, it is a small thing ... its just over phone.. so can be ignored and adjusted as a small problem in married life.
About SIL, BIL and discussing things with them, it wd be better if you dont involve close relatives in family issues as far as possible, even if they are going well with ur family. Let them be away, dont bother too much abt these issues and try address issues by yourself or with ur friends if any.
Are you working? Are you a housewife with no kids? Or housewife with one kid? Another problem I am seeing is you getting time to concentrate on so many things hubby and his parents are doing and get bothered. Please dont mind, and sorry for putting this so straight. If your mind is free and giving you time to think so much about them, then you can try make yourself busy. Or let me say, let them be, these problems are common, and such selfish people are not worth spending our brains on them.
Last and not the least, is about in-laws misusing the details or hubby sharing information that should not be.
Whenever my hubby got a raise or monetory benefit and wd be eager to tell that to my MIL, my heart always said \" we shd not tell her this\" . Dont know why. Later I got the answer.
Like Priti' s post where her mom has become lazy, or Amrita' s post whose mil wastes electrcity, has happened with me. And when I have tried to politely point that out I have got the answer \" my som earns so much, why should i care, get an extra maid\" . (And I already have 2! :-)
I wd not mind if my hubby earned like a king, but when he refuses me for investing in children-schemes saying we dont have enough, and this lady wastes, it really hurts.
Some suggestions.
For next many days stop nagging your hubby for in-laws calls or telling them details. Encourage him instead and you too enthusiastically talk to inlaws every detail. Hubby will like the change in u and start respecting u.
Once thats settled, one fine day talk to him and request him not to share very details with inlaws. Give valid reasons that he should agree to. Give examples like \" if you tell them about your money they will ask for blah blah but i was thinking about investing in a house or for the kid\" .
Show him future, see we need to invest in house, or kid' s education which will be v expensive 20 yrs later and i am not earning, etc etc whatever is applicable to u. Be polite, dont argue, and if he is not agreeing, still close it with a happy tone not with a fight.
So, if this first option doesnt work, you got to take next steps.
Dont know if you are working, but if you are, this will help.
You can also start calling your parents too often, and tell them details. If not parents, start calling sis/someone, or any close relative in US itself. Depending on relation' s closeness, maintain frequency of calling. After you are done chatting on phone, give phone to hubby asking him to say hello. Quite probably, they will also talk about garage-leakage-types to hubby. If hubby objects, say they are close to u and u feel lonely in US so u feel good talking to them.
Dont compare with his parents first time.
If hubby tries to object 2-3 times, remind him he does the same and thats how u feel.
If u talk to ur parents, u r safest .. \" when u can tell ur parents why cant I?\" and moreover, if u r working... ur hubby cant even say ' dont waste money on calling ur parents' .
Third option. If you have a close common family friend, like a couple, u can request that man to suggest your hubby without letting him know it is from u. He shd not let ur hubby suggest directly, instead he shd portray as same case abt his/his friend' s life and say how wrong he was.
As for taking money from parents, you should strictly refuse. Not because they are selfish or anything. Its not right now that he is earning. Whatever is his capability, he shd be managing in that. Parents will always like to help son.
Tell him u r happy in what he earns and say you will not accept taking debt from his parents. Just put ur foot down and dont let it happen.
And for inlaws selfish motives, that is true too. I go thru this always. Whenever my MIL is angry, she asks me to return everything that she has gifted. I have returned her jewelry as a part of that. I only cdnt return the furniture she has gifted, all I can say is ' let me know where you want me to transfer that !\"
2007-03-28
#4
Name: swati tanwar Subject: thx
i agree with vimpi on the part where MIL wants to live with her son on her terms whereas during her times, she made the FIL live away from his family.
My case is the same in the sense, that FIL didnt have parents and when MIL got married she made FIL move to her city where her family was. She never had any interference and got her way all the time. ANd as for my SIL, her MIL had cancer and it was known that she´ d pass away soon. And SIL´ s MIL did pass away a year after SIL´ s marriage. Her FIL lives in India all by himself and visits. Yes, he does have relatives in the city where he lives but why didnt he move in. Poor old man is non interfering and doesnt even talk to his sons that often. My SIL´ s husband told me me that he talks once in 2 weeks or so- he didnt even have his cell#. Yes, my SIL does call him more often but thats due to competition with her ´ jethani´ who lives in the US as well. So, when FIL comes he splits time b//w the 2 sons. And, the jethani´ s parents rarely visit but ofcourse my inlaws r here every 6 months. So, my SIL has to b nice to FIL cos her family visits so often. And, bechara FIL doesnt interfere at all and even cooks.
As for money, my inlaws have a good amt but no house in India or anything- just 1 plot. They r always talking abt how they r planning on buying 1 but they never do. Bete ka ghar hamara ghar...thats why i think they dont like the idea of us selling the house.
They buy their own tickets to come visit us etc. And always competing with what my parents give us. I´ m sure my hubby tells them what my parents give. But they r very cheap - they take my husabnd for shopping and even buy listerine, lenses etc. He pays for their trips within the US and all dinners shopping etc. So, the only reason they´ d give us any money would b to control us.
2007-03-28
#5
Name: vimpi Subject: Saheli Are you saying .....
Saheli,
Summarising your post are you saying that you will not pass on this tradition of " Parents must live with their sons" to your kids or grandkids?
Sorry to persist but I like to examine different viewponts becuase I am studying this issue closely.
It is a fact that couples who are living without the inlaw problem are livng far less stressful lives than those who have to put up with them. The inlaw problem existed in all generations but the biggest difference is that today the DIL has the power( because she does not depend on her husband or his family for financial security) to set the rules. Yet we have the inlaws still setting the rules do you think this is right?
As for the joint family ours is not the first generation to break that tradition. It broke when India became independant and due to the country´ s shift towards industrialization jobs were in cities and people moved there often leaving their parents back in the village to take care of lands. I went to school in India in the mid seventies and eighties and I cannot think of more than 4 classmates in a class of 60 who had their grandparents living with them. And these 4 were basically North Indian Business families which are joint also for business reasons.I find that that very generation has aged now and are expecting to move in with their children considering it their tight to do so. Considering the fact that this generation enjoyed the nuclear family is it right for them to live with their kids and mess around with their lives by setting the rules in the family? Both Swatis and my inlaws belong to the category of such a generation.
As for ego, I do not know about Swati but I meditate regularly and keep my ego in check yet the truth comes back and strikes me in the face majority of the time it is my MIL who creates the problems and throws huge tantrums and everyone pulls on my emotional strings till I have to give in. She kept my FIL away from his family because she felt they were all poor suckers and that FIL earned only enough to take care of hersself and her kids infact she makes her kids understand that because she did this they are where they are today. Yet here is a woman who expects that she must live with her son and that too in a way that suits her most of all. I find that selfishness digusting and I find that in most senior people of that generation who enjoyed the nuclear family yet due to their own insecurity emotionally blackmail their sons saying they must live with them.
Yet the lesson I have learned in this is I will not pass this tradition on to my kids because that it is wrong is so obvious. Of course living in America I can never expect to live with my kids even if by mistake I ever wanted to!
2007-03-28
#6
Name: Saheli Subject: re: for vimpi & swati
vimpi - You have laid out very true points.
For the kind of relationships we have today in a joint-family, I believe its majorly a attitude/swbhaav issue. Most problems are out of EGO. Nahi?
People are really not that bad. Think about MILs before .. our MILs, moms and their moms as DILs .. they had little issues with their MILs (open issues atleast). Why do we have now?
1. Because we girls have liberated over time
2. And also because we are losing our tolerance and willingness to compromise
Dont get me wrong please. We all may think that why should we tolerate etc etc.
Just look at all the past generations who have lived lives peacefully. And the credit, i believe, goes to the tolerant and sacrifising lady of the house. Also, they had little choice as they were not earning (ruling out the exceptions)!
But that doesnt mean we also be the same.
It is very difficult to draw a line today, as to how much tolerance is right, who is wrong, who is right, and where should we DILs say " okay, i have had enough" .
Our generation is, kind of, caught up.
Many of us are earning, many are not. All of us are educated (and I am referring to your-my class of living). The culture in our minds makes us believe in hubby/family/kids/inlaws trend and we want to follow it. We cook, we look after kids, we bow down to inlaws when we meet them.. all like our mothers, mils and their ancestors.
But then we are somewhat revolutionary too - we feel like objecting for unfair things - something our ancestor DILs dint do!
Working DILs of today thinking of raising objections easily, dependant DILs get caught.
We cant think if leaving everything and live life alone, like we see American women doing (ruling out exceptions again). And when we stay with family, those people bother us!
Well, i think in the next generation, all our children will be earning for themselves and would be more revolutionary than us (and they will be revolutionary with parents as well!).
I think not many of our children will suffer die to inlaws (again, I am talking about our class and not the half-educated Indian crowd). Our children, when they dont like, may simply fight and opt out! Even the boys/sons will be stressed with competetion and lifesyles, so will prefer to stay separate than bearing the saas-bahu jhik-jhik!
If not our children, then their children will surely be like that!
I think what we should teach our children - especially the daughters - to believe in joint family, teach them value of love and affection, teach them to be tolerating and adjusting for all little things and make them understand that a woman is the one who can make or break a family.
so for boys - they need to respect the women. And for girls, they should learn to think wisely before breaking the house.
But we should also teach them not to accept irrational demands, tyrrany, conpiracies ... and if needed, be financially and psychologically strong enough to opt out.
Sounds too idea, and practically impossible, isnt it?
Well, atleast we can try.
And to be like that, we should first start with ourselves. We should first be like that.
For us, its time to be financially independant if possible. Its also time to think and decide how many kids (1 or 2) we want to have. All this - depending on how well u get along with hubby, and with inlaws, what kind of people inlaws are - little-helpful-little-bad or just suckers ... how willing u r to keep the family (hubby-and-u) intact or break it ...
Most times, we DILs argue with hubby and keep fighting. Days pass, we suffocate and there is no resolution to the problem. Everybody suffers, especially we. We can think of accepting the situation and be happy, if we dont want to separate. Depends on case to case - I am not advising anybody to separate out!
We can teach our children that everybody should do his own tasks (pointing our ILs who lay down on beds all day -) when I teach my son this, he asks me about her Dadi who doesnt do her bit. I tell her thats wrong, but separately. My son might go and say that to Dadi and Dadi will come fighting ... but I am prepared to answer politely. But then my son also refuses to run Dadi´ s little errands. So I need to teach him that Dadi is old so cant get up and run around too much so he should help her.
The kid is confused!
But he will understand as he grows up.
Tough to draw a line. Lets atleast try to teach children be able to decide whats right whats wrong, and we should do this truly and selflessly.
Swati - i have some thoughts to tell you after reafing abt ur dh. Need to get back to work, will post that later.
2007-03-27
#7
Name: vimpi Subject: Question for Saheli
Saheli,
One always starts out trying to make things work but over time everyone comes to the realization that unless one addresses the root cause of ones suffering all solutions are superficial. Which is why it is very important to understand oneself thoroughly and identify what it is that is bothering the soul before implementing anything. Even if the truth has a very negative tone (usually it does which is why we look for ways to avoid looking at it and look for superficial solutions) it is much better to look it in the face sooner than later because the more you try to look away from it the closer it tries to get to you.
From what I can see no one really seems to enjoy the fact that their MILS are living or intefering in their lives everyday. This is only natural. Yet we are forced to put up with them and suffer because of this tradition that we made up " Parents must live with sons" . If one believes in this tradition then one must accept the suffering that comes with it because MILS will be MILS. The question is do we want our children to suffer on account of this tradition too?
2007-03-27
#8
Name: swati tanwar Subject: thx!!
saheli - dont know how 2 thank u enuff...really appreciate u taking the time 2 read and respond...jsut a few points...i am working Full time and have no kids yet...my FIL even had the audacity to ask me at the dinner table if we r planning cos MIL kept bugging us and it didnt work...i told him that its a personal decision and i dont want 2 talk abt it...so i think that was fair..hes very confrontational...as for BIL i´ ve chatted with him from work and he suggested me to leave my husband indirectly...hes fed up 2 i guess...MIL comes to the US every yr for 2 months plus now due to GC every 6 months....BIL told me that inlaws would call him at work initially...but since its been 12-13 years of marriage for him its now once a month since hes busy on weekends...but u know i´ d never b able to escape the calls since i am the DIL.
i am ok with the calls as long as they dont call me at work...i do call my mom from work abt which my hubby is unaware...they live in north america too...same time zone as us on the east coast...i do make a call during weekdays once in the evening and theen once over the weekend. this tells him that i dont talk much and he should also control. ok if he knows that i talk to my mom he´ ll expect me to talk to his family from work as well. hes real immature and stupid plus short tempered as well. the other day we had the burglars alarm go off and he called his family and then i was calling my mom in the evening and he started telling her the whole story. so he doesnt mind if i tell them stuff. so that strategy wont work..he wouldnt stop me from calling...but yes the other day i asked him for the calling card so that i could call my mom - he goot suspicious cos 1. as per him i dont call from work 2. we had had a major fight and i am not able to sleep these days...so once i was home, he asked if i called mom and i said yes...he was like ´ did u tell her that u cant sleep etc these days´ and i said ´ i am not that stupid to make her worry´ . hes pretty insecure too for a man...i think it runs in the family...hes a kid just likes to yell a lot...
2007-03-27
#9
Name: saheli Subject: my belief
For all such family issues, I believe, the first good option is to talk it out - be it hubby or inlaws. If your side is right and you are justifying yourself in right way, the other person would most probably not refuse.
Whenever we raise problems to someone, it is a good idea to suggest options/alternatives. Just raising issues shows a total negative tone, showing alternatives can show u r concerned!
When talking out is not going to help, we need to resort to above solutions.
Me, as a woman of today, believe in one thing. I believe in the united family and believe that inlaws should ideally stay with son and dil. I believe that making a family happy is every family member´ s responsibility.
And for a DIL, even for today´ s DIL, i expect her to be little more adjusting and compromising than other members. Not because of old Indian reasons, but because I believe she has the strength, max capability to endure than her hubby or inlaws. She has the power to make or break a family very easily. If her little sacrifice and compromise can keep family together, its worth it.
But i also value the todays-woman´ s right to choose her life. I think if a woman wants to do certain things and not do certain things, she should plan her future accordingly and address dependancies. For eg, if as a DIL I dont want to stay with nagging inlaws, I will try to be financially independant first so that I have a place to raise the point. If i cant be earning, I will be clear for having kids or not, and not be emotional. You cant have everything, its time to be practical.
If i am financially dependant on hubby and staying in US with 2 kids, there is little I can do if inlaws are coming to stay with me.
In that case, it will just be a struggle within to manage house and tolerate inlaws as well.
And if i m clear on what i dont want, and I decide to object, I ll be ready for consequences and will not be surprised for extremes like separation.
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All tips on Parents of Schoolgoers
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RE:self centered inlaws
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RE:Mother-in-law spoiling my child
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RE:Mother-in-law spoiling my child
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Saheli is right
Name: Saheli
vimpi and swati
re:
Saheli Are you saying .....
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