Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hello again,

I am almost on the verge of giving up. Nothing seems to be working between us anymore. Even after daily patches and sorries, me and my hubby are fighting over small trivial matters the very next day. I hate to say this but I don’t think this relationship is working out. I really don’t know what the solution is. I have probably have tried whatever is possible- may be its just me who is not up to my husband and his family’s standard. Okay, I know this all might be sounding a lot confusing so just to clear up the matter here are instances, which might explain a bit more.

Last few weeks have been hard and you have read some bit in my previous posts. And just not to spoil the matter further, I am watching myself before saying anything. I don’t voice my opinion even I am asked to coz if I have a difference of opinion- I might come up as a –ve person (this is just coming from the past). After a hectic day at work, all I look forward to see my hubby and have nice words with him. I see him the only soul who could make me feel relaxed and comfortable when I reach home and be what I am. However as soon as I reach home, he is usually busy with his parents or pick up other chores and don’t devote any time with me except for the fact he says hi. All in all we just get 10-15 mins to talk that too on the phone when we are on way to work respectively. Again, I do feel neglected and I understand that this is just a temp phase and soon, we will have time with ourselves when my in-laws will go back to India. In return, if there are some special matters to discuss, I take emails as a route (my purpose remains to reach my husband which I find difficult otherwise). This is not decently taken either. He feels that those 10-15 mins are enough to discuss things and it’s just me who feels that we have a communication gap. Email is not a good route to follow between husband and wife. I understand that men don’t think the way we women do, and they don’t see that we women need attention to feel emotionally stable. But if I am trying to help myself in filling up the comm. Gap (which I feel we do have), is that wrong? It appears I am literally begging him to give me attention and try to make my presence felt in his life. Though it appears hard for me, I am struggling to overcome such thoughts too. But matter doesn’t stop here. He now picks up a fight/ heated discussion over small lil things that I do or say. If he asks me an opinion on something (eg: I think I would go with this medicine, what say?), and I say “you do whatever appears best to you”, he complains that even though I say that, my behavior while saying is –ve towards him. He feels I frown at him.

All these issues have broken me internally. After talking to you or other friends, I feel better and decide everyday “today I won’t let any discussion happen” and I would try to make things happy and cheerful back again, but I fail. I really don’t see any direction today. I try to be logical, but my limit gets exhausted easily now and I give up. I have also stated him recently that if he wants to be free, he is free from my side coz things are not rolling smooth. If that would make him happy, so be it. I love him a lot and I can’t see him in pain either. He is a good human and I know for sure, probably its just me who is not getting adjusted. May be I am expecting a lot as a wife? He says he cares and love me too.

I feel totally as a stranger in the house now- where I don’t get any support from my hubby forget alone his family. I want a friend, my soul mate not a hostel mate. I feel stranded today where i cant even go back to my parents or anyone among my family as I don’t want to bother them as well. Do we have a way? Seeing a marriage counselor would be a good advice, however I don’t see the counselors here would understand our issues properly coz of cultural indifferences and I have goggled on the web and don’t see any Indian counselors around.

I really wish that you reply to this post as soon as possible. I don’t want to end up having a weekend which is full of stress again.

Priti- I am really looking forward to hear from you. I would appreciate your help.
Priti replied. Hi Adi,

I am so glad to hear you are doing better. I was really worried. It is espceially nice to know that you'll have the christmas and new year holidays by yourself, just you and your husband. capitalize on the special time -- enjoy, get refreshed. Wish you a very joyful and peaceful holidays. Anytime you need -- i'll check from time to time.


Priti replied. Hi Adi,

It breaks my heart to see you like this.I get even more worried just because it brings back memories of when I felt like you do, completely shattered emotionally. I know things seem hopeless at the moment, but you need to remember, you two do have mutual love and respect for eachother, which is very important in a relationship & hard to find. Which is why I don't think that you should think about seperating. Also, another thing to keep in mind, you have been married just little over a year. That's not a very long time.

1. Going to a counselor may help. I agree with you, he/she would have to be an indian, so that the cultural things can be taken into account. Secondly, do you think your husband would agree to go see one? He may object. Also, another thing to keep in mind -- you don't know how the counselor will handle the situation, and if cretain things get said in there, but hurts your husband's ego/feelings, he may not say anything, but that may leave a mark. Also, another thing, yes, counseling may help, but utlitmately, you can't change anything other than you. You already know your issues, so in my case I had decided to just go at it on my own, with the help from people here as I couldn't handel it on my own. I just want you to take everything into account. Your relationship with yoru husband is very young and delicate, so you need to make sure that your decisions wont' have a negative impact on it. Just keep your husband's reactions in mind.

2.I'll tell you some of the things i ran into -- my husband and I know that we need eachother, it's just a simple fact of our lives. However, ever since the beginning we would fight on small things, no matter how hard i tried. most of them would come out of my parents your parents kind of thing. but here the parents are not the ones to blame, it was us who were wrong. we both just argued over small thing even up until now. But it seems that with time, we are arguing less and less, which just so nice and peaceful. but there were so many times where we'd realize that we are fighting over small things and that we need to get past it and not get angry at each other. So don't let the little fights get to you. Just keep the main thing in mind, you two like each other. The more time you spend with each other, the more you'll learn about how the other is going to react to something. so over time you'd both naturally avoid annoying each other. also, you'll have learned what you can and can't change about the other. so it'll get easier. just keep the big picture in mind.

3. about feeling neglected, i understand 100%. even after being married for a few years, and having had in-laws come and stay for 6-months a few time, this last time they came, i felt just like. in my mind, i didn't think how i was being unreasonable in wanting more time to speak/spend to my husband. same things you said, like not being able to discuss important things, all bothered me. so over the course of 6 months, what i trained myself to do is accept that no matter how much i want it, it will not happen. I had crying spells, wanting to just disapper, leave the 3 of them alone to their happiness. but here are things i told myself and accepted...
a. they are afterall his parents, and he's their obsession (as insane as it may be), it gives them happiness. so be it.
let them be happy. afterall, i do want my family to be happy. and if my getting out of the way is how it will
happen, then so be it. if they are talking amongst themselves and smiling, and i would walk by, i'd give a smile too. it didn't matter how i felt, just so long as they are happy.
b. the husband only has so much energy and time, so i didn't want to put too much pressure on him. so i stopped from my end, i didn't complain. if we could get a few mins, great if now, life is still going good, everyone is happy and healthy. i'm just doing my duty of supporting my husband.
c. his parents are having a hard time dealing with the fact that there's a new person in their family. so since they are acting up on what spoon i use to what i wear and how many hours i sleep, if having their son with them will take their mind away from that, great. i'm healthy and can take care of myself, so i'll just leave everyone alone, since my complaining will only make others think that i'm trying to cause trouble; instead of understanding my feelings.
d. i knew that when time comes my husband will speak up for me and support me. so i took comfort in that. so i didn't want to spoil the few mins we got with eachother with negative talks of why can't be spend more time and ect. i stopped all that.
e. even after telling myself all these things, i would still get frustrated and be unhappy. so to divert my mind, i would do things to get my mind away for these family issues. gave more attention to my work, gave more attention and interest in cooking, gardening, planning trips for them. ect. the more i did other things, and the more i stopped caring if anything cared about me, the better things got.
f. always remember, if you lower your expectation to almost nothing, then your feelings won't get hurt. the reason why we get hurt/disappointed, ect is because we have expectations, so just get those out.
g. do your duty towrads your family and towards yourself. do things that make others happy (leaving them alone, not askign for attention) and yourself (if shopping is what you like, tell them you're going out for xyz). as long as you leave no room for them to compalin, you'll be fine.
h. remember, you just need to let your relationship grow and need to nurture it. so just hang in there. believe me it will get better over time.

4. i think your husband also feels bad, but he's trying to do his best. and at this point it is doing what's pleasing his parents. so let him do that. you can see that he feels bad in the fact that he says sorry from time to time, and him supporint you in things you need to do for yourself. so have faith in him and your relationsip. it's still good. it is just going through a phase.

5. if i knew you in person, i would have invited you and your family over for brunch/lunch/dinner. it would have given you time to get out of the daily routine and your in-laws hubby to get another way of looking at things. the more peopel talk to other people, they realize how unreasonable they are being that they change that. so if you know someone you can arrange some sort of a social get together, it will help. because then everyone's focus changes from themselves, to bheaving properly and having a nice time with others.

6. don't worry too much. don't expect too much. just let things be as they are. do your duty and be happy in the fact that they are happy. pretty soon the time will pass. also, the less you ask for attention, the more they'll notice it and may do something on their own. so just let it be. think about it as if you had children. what would you do if you had children, you couldn't just put them in a room and have private time, you'd have to attend to them. ( i know it'd be different, because kids won't tell you what to do, and you could be yourself), but the privacy thing will be the same. so don't worry.

7. i can see you work hard and want the best for everything. when you put in all this effort and it is not getting recognized, it is disappointing, but remember it is not a sign of lack in you. it's just the complicated web of familial relationships. you'll fit right in. god is watching everything you are trying to do. so it will never get un-noticed. it will pay off. you are doing the right thing. just don't lose hope.

8. now that you have started doing things that make them happy. start doing things that make you happy. by yourself or with friends. just think your husband is on a 6-month work project and is just too busy. when things get this bad we have to play the make-beleive play. just uplift your mood. don't think too much about what going on at home. just accept them as they are.

i meant to reply earlier but i got caught up in work that i needed to get out. so i am sorry in delayed response. Hope everythign works out. i'll keep praying for you.

rashmi replied. Hi there,
I went through the exact same things long ago. I was frustrated & kept on arguing with my DH until one day( that's when my parents came over). When my parents came over here, my DH not even one day complained that I am not spending quality time with him. Beleive me, inlaws are a pain in the neck where as parents come here to help but still, when the question of privacy or spending time arises, its just the same. You just can't lock the door & sit inside. We just can't do it. Whenever you feel that you are left out, think of how you would behave if your parents were here. I totally understand that they don't involve us,their dils in their conversation. They just want us to be seen with them everywhere but not heard.Its nor your husband who is at fault, its them. The best revenge that you can do is be very happy or atleast act happy in front of them. I started confronting my MIL if I knew 100% that I was not at fault only during my recent visit to India & I feel much lighter.Hope this helps..
Rgs,
Rashmi rajo replied. i think you need to keep reminding yourself that his parents are going to go back to india soon and things are bound to improve and that it can't get any worse.i think men are like that,they don't think it is important to spend some time with their wives everyday,they would rather prefer to speak to their parents or sit with laptop/book/television or even sleep, probably their physiology is such.even my husband ,for some reason doesn't like e-mail as a mode of communication between us when both are in the same place which i prefer( especially when i have felt bad about something) because it gives me the chance to place my view-point with out any unnecessary interruptions.so there you go,you are not being unreasonable, tell yourself that you will make up for all that you have missed out on your togetherness once your in-laws are out of the picture.
all the best and take care .