Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

hi all,
i'm 25 years old, married for 2 1/2 years now.i was a very happy & an extrovert girl before marriage.but after marriage, i've changed so much & lost myself somewhere.we live in US.after we got married,my hubby left to US just after 10 days of marriage.but took 3 months for me to join him since my visa processing took some time.for those 3 months i lived with my inlaws.that was a torture to me.they always used to say mean things to me,find faults in me at every step,always used to comment that ur folks didnt do this & that for marriage etc.since my hubby was in US & i was in India then,they used to speak ill abt me to my hubby & had already brought a major distance between us even before i joined him.also after marriage, i discovered my hubby & inlaws had lied to me abt major important things including his educational qualification also.i was very hurt by all these & got very scared to trust my hubby initially.but gradually after sometime i accepted all these & started loving my hubby & gave my 100% to him.i was a very active & happy girl.i always liked to have fun & enjoy my life.
but now, my actual problem is, my hubby is a very unhappy & a depressed guy.he just doesnt know to have fun.he always keep thinking abt something or the other & is always stressed out.my hubby keeps calling his parents every other day.i dont have any problem wid this as he has all the right to love his parents as the way he wants to.i have always encouraged him to call his parents.but every time he calls them,our days are ruined.my inlaws come up with some or the other problem & say they are depressed & all that & start crying over the phone.they always try to emotionally black mail him & they make sure that we dont have fun here though they are miles apart from us.they have no major problems in life ata ll.also my BIL lives with them & so they even have a son to take care of them.but still they are always fussy.
as i come from a very conservative family,i always believed that i should support & be with my hubby no matter what...i did accept him as the way he is & was moving on,though i had lost myself completely now.i've forgotten to enjoy & have fun in my life anymore.but now i 'm reaching a breaking point.my hubby doesnt even realise what i'm doing for him.he completely takes me for granted.he keeps thinking abt his parents days together & doesnt realise even if i'm sitting next to him.he'll notice me only when i'm putting on weight & immediately asks me to start dieting & stuffs like that.now,i somehow feel i've been treated like an object now.i'm not working here though i'm a BE graduate since i'm on H4.so i dont even have the financial independence to move out & stay all by myself.i'm getting tired of my loveless life.i dont want to tell all this to my parents & tense them also since they r geeting old.so i'm letting out everything here on this board.i've seen that members here r very caring & helpful.so can u all plz tell me what to do? should i just seperate & go back to India?i'm tired of living this boring lonely life.i feel as though i'm 50 years old now. evrything seems dark & i'm not able to find any way out.plz help me.i really value ur advices.thank u all.. Smitha replied. I truly sympathise your situation. He has taken you for granted, that is what has happened here. Also, the fact that you live in America while parents are in India, your husband tends to see the whole thing differently. Give him an ultimatum that what he is doing is ruining the happiness. Make him feel you are important in his life and not someone that he can walk over. He hasn' t married you to be his servant and listen to his whims and fancies and have sex at his convenience. Give him a piece of your mind and make sure that you are not someone who can be taken for granted. Be strong and assertive, things will turnaround for sure for the better.

Good luck
Smitha anuj954 replied. keep urself busy and also try to keep busy ur hubby with u...try to grab attention from him...don't much mind if he talk to his parents ...dont push ur marriage towards divorce.

rest take ur own decision.

cheerup replied. hi deepti, i do second SGR and Sonia. COMMUNICATION is one of the important things in married life.And its a long process...things will not change overnight for you.And also u have a gr8 advantage of having a B.E degree.make use of it.Twil surely take time but be patient.ALL THE BEST. SGR replied. Hi Deepti
I can empathise with you - a young girl with many dreams being faced with a not-so-enthusiastic life partner. All I can say is that I think sonia has made a very imp suggestion - u don't wait for others to make the \" move to improve things\" . U take charge of your life.
You are young and smart and educated. The 1st step u have already taken. U have identified the problem situation and are talking about it.
Please begin \" communicating\" meaningfully with your husband. If u feel like an object - let him know you are a special person with needs, likes and dislikes. Tell him how much he means to you and that his smile and laughter makes your day. Then fill your home with your \" bubbly/extroverted nature\" . Crack jokes, sing, go out and make friends, invite them home for coffee, paint and compliment your hubby often (e.g. when he is leaving for office - tell him how handsome he is looking that day and MEAN IT from the heart!)
Make interesting meals and love yourself - he will also realise how much \" life\" means to him because u are by his side.

For heaven's sake -don't have a child just to \" get his attention part-time\" . That is real moronic advice and can lead u to depression. Taking up a job may be a good idea - but if ur hubby is not supportive u will have no peace at home

Breaking marriage is NOT a solution because he is not abusive, alchoholic or torturing u in any way. Why spoil ur life by \" running away instead of saving your marriage\" ?

find the good qualities in your husband (what do u like abt him? do u love him? just the way u want him to appreciate u - do u appreciate him? or is it just a half hearted effort?)

think about and be POSITIVE
Good luck

sonia replied. hi deepti,

u r here on this great site.here u can read on this forum that many of us r sailing in the same boat.only some r lucky who r having good in-laws.
walking out from marriage is not a solution.right now u r not telling anything to ur parents as u don't want to disturb them.but if u will decide to walk out.think how much they will get disturbed.parents always want their daughters happy.
when we get marry we have to move to a new home.sometimes atmosphere of that home is same then we have to face less problems but sometimes when it is totally different we have to face very much problems.
but though I m sure u can get adjusted .but one thing is there it will take time.I can say this by my experience.I m married for 5-1/2 yrs.In my case I also faced so much problems.my hubby is only son so my in-laws r very possesive abt him.but gradually now things r 90% in positive side.

wat u have to do is have patience.talk to ur hubby very much.Talk to him abt his likings ,dislikings.tell him urs.ask him his ambition what he planned for future.this way he will not think too much as u said he is always worried.
I don't know how is ur in-laws talking wd him in the calls as u said that the day they r talking to ur hubby u get a quarrel wd him.but wat u can do is u also talk wd ur in-laws.show ur concern towards ur in-laws so that ur hubby can feel that ur relation is improving.
don't wait for oythers to take a step for improvement.wat I did is I always take first step then it was my m-i-l who came after that.now things r going good in my case.

and make frnds to whom u can share ur things ur problems.u can mail me at simmagic2(at the rate)yahoo(dot)com. I m always here for u to support.

one more thing is u said u r B.E.graduate so u can go for h1 visa and can do work here,this way u can have ur own money also.it will b helpful for u in each manner(this is my opinion).when u will go to india try to find a good company overthere which can do h1 visa for u.u can find many adds in paper rg this.

hope for the best.
best of luck.
Sonia
advice replied. One of the solutions to this is to have a baby as soon as possible, if you dont have one now.Its going to divert ur Hubby's attention from his parents part time,though as u said he has every right to love them.Also you will have something to live for.Also am sure any guy's attitude will change cause of his kid.This way u can have the feel of a perfect family and reduce any trifles.
So cheer up!! everything will turn out well
Hope this helps!!