I am married for just over a year and soon after my marriage we came to US. I hardly got time to spend with my in-laws then, so my husband planned and invited them over now. It’s been almost over a month and it has become a misery for me. I am mostly a +ve person and try to adapt myself in any situation but I think even in 45 days I have attained a saturation level. Everyday there is one new thing that observe and brings my morale down. And almost daily I try to convince myself that I have to bury stuff back in my head so that it doesn’t effect the nice relationship me and my husband have. But I don’t think it is serving any good. Initially I thought I would treat her as my own mom but my MIL behavior is such that she never treats me as her own daughter. She has taken charge of the kitchen- doesn’t let me in, wants to eat in my husband’s bowl, discards our plan if we plan for having dinner outside with friends (even she is invited in those dinner). If I try to help in kitchen, she doesn’t like it and say she will manage. Coz she does most of the stuff, she cooks less for me or would more salt in my food and give all the good stuff to her son. I am not sure why she does that. Thank goodness I am working else it would have been really difficult. My own mom keep sending me stuff from India and when she saw two dresses recently that my mom sent, she kept it for her daughter saying that it would suit her better and will give it to her on her birthday. These small lil things are getting horrendous for me and I feel like running off sometime. I keep telling my husband about the discomfort which now I think he has started to feel that I am all –ve and doesn’t like his mom. He still feels that it is not intentional from his mom’s side- and I have to change my mindset and start talking to her directly and letting her know diplomatically what I makes me feel bad.
I just don’t want to create a scene and I am just taking it till now. Do you guys have any advise on what shld be done to atleast not spoil relations with my hubby and solve this situation.
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Hi all,
I am married for just over a year and soon after my marriage we came to US. I hardly got time to spend with my in-laws then, so my husband planned and invited them over now. It’s been almost over a month and it has become a misery for me. I am mostly a +ve person and try to adapt myself in any situation but I think even in 45 days I have attained a saturation level. Everyday there is one new thing that observe and brings my morale down. And almost daily I try to convince myself that I have to bury stuff back in my head so that it doesn’t effect the nice relationship me and my husband have. But I don’t think it is serving any good. Initially I thought I would treat her as my own mom but my MIL behavior is such that she never treats me as her own daughter. She has taken charge of the kitchen- doesn’t let me in, wants to eat in my husband’s bowl, discards our plan if we plan for having dinner outside with friends (even she is invited in those dinner). If I try to help in kitchen, she doesn’t like it and say she will manage. Coz she does most of the stuff, she cooks less for me or would more salt in my food and give all the good stuff to her son. I am not sure why she does that. Thank goodness I am working else it would have been really difficult. My own mom keep sending me stuff from India and when she saw two dresses recently that my mom sent, she kept it for her daughter saying that it would suit her better and will give it to her on her birthday. These small lil things are getting horrendous for me and I feel like running off sometime. I keep telling my husband about the discomfort which now I think he has started to feel that I am all –ve and doesn’t like his mom. He still feels that it is not intentional from his mom’s side- and I have to change my mindset and start talking to her directly and letting her know diplomatically what I makes me feel bad.
I just don’t want to create a scene and I am just taking it till now. Do you guys have any advise on what shld be done to atleast not spoil relations with my hubby and solve this situation.
Priti replied. Hi Adi,
I have my in-laws with me for 6mths as well. and yes, mil wants to take over the kitchen and leave us no room for our own life.
--taking over the kitchen and eating from your husband's bowl behavior
1. you need to regain your presence in the kitchen, that's the only way so that you wouldn't be a stranger in your own house. In the beginning I too used to let my mil do whatever she wished, so that she'd feel confortable. but that was just her passive-aggresive behavior to hurt me. So, then I told her -- you are here only for a short period of time, why don't you rest (which I truly meant). Let me make the chapatis. And other times, if she'd start making something, I'd say, let me try that sabzi, can you show me how to do it. if I don't do it I will never learn. you make it so well.
This way starting with small things, pretty soon if you do everything in the kitchen there won't be much left for her to do. so you just have to be passive-aggresive about it. i hate being that way, but that's the only way, otherwise when i say stuff directly, i just come out too blunt and they take me the wrong way. Also, takign over small thing in kitchen, will help you get direct with your mil, and make her realize that this is your kitchen, where she is welcome, but can't take over.
every now and then, make something she likes, if she doesn't like it just eat it yourself. if the salt is less for them, then just say add it later, it's not good for health to have so much salt.
2. wanting to be with their son all the time -- I think it is not very healthy. but if that's what makes then happy, I let them hold hands and so forth. I just have trained myself not to let that kind of stuff bother me. every now and then, I'll bring it up to my husband and he'll say that too, that we don't spend enough time with each other, and we need to do that to be connected. if you put it that way, most of the time they agree and you can come up with creative way to have a few moments together. i'm just glad that my husband feels the same way.
3. about gifts your mom sent you -- i wouldn't let her take that from you. I would stand up and say -- my mom sent it for me and i want it. i'll find out from my mom where she got and you can get it for sil when you go back to india. I can't buy this sutff here. Or to show your kindness, you could say, I can give you one but not both. and if she makes a big deal out of it just let is slide and behind closed doors bring it up with your husband that it is a gift from my mom and it hurts me that I can't keep it. just say that and leave it at that. like i said keep a calm mind.
also, when i start getting too many negative thoughts and feel like i'll lose it, i start chanting/humming something, so that i can push thost -ve thoughts out of my mind.
best of luck. and yes, you do need an outlet. friends, family, coworkers are good. even this forum. husband is good and a must, but when it comes to his parents, you have to say what you feel, but carefully. main thing, don't start getting angry when you talk about his parents to him, remain calm and make your point short and sweet. that way you'll come across and clear, rational and direct.
wish you all the best.
Adi replied. Thanks Tanya. I see your point too..but why do MILS want to spoil there own son's life? If I stop complaining to my hubby, then i would just keep on boiling from inside- is it good? It would also some way or the other show it in my behaviour i am sure. I have started to get nightmares. I wish i can be diplomatic.. but i am not. I am working and still whatever hrs i am home, it becomes a nightmare. I know she is here for just few months, but i want the life to be peaceful not a scary story of any horror movie.
I am sure, its hard to make son's believe that there mom can be painful to their wifes.. how would you make them realize them? I am totally confused.. which way to go...
**- get direct with MIL and stop complaining to my hubby
**- absorb whatever happens cause she is here for just 6 months and share my misery story with hubby who in the end gets disturbed.
test replied. I was in your situation sometime back. I can definitely understand each word you said. But i would like to tell you the way i handled the situation. Wait till she cooks her stuff. After which if you do not like the food, try cooking some stuff for yourself. That way you do not have to depend on her. Tell her frankly that i cannot eat such salty stuff and ask her if she can eat that.
tanya replied. i cant think of much now..but r u working? most women work in US to get out of the house and keep themselves busy and then also to avoid inlaws. If u stay at home, MIL/FIL will visit more often cos they've company while their son works. U need less face time with them. I am sure she's different with u infront of her son. So if u work, u guys spend less time with inlaws. And, most of them get bored in US if both r working. So that means less visits. What MIL is trying to do is creating a fight between u and your husband. Atleast shes not permanent. U need to stop complaning to your husband abt your inlaws no matter what. I am pretty sure that MIL wants to instigate u and create a fight and she would be like ' I never said anything' and then, she looks good and u look bad. So, the best is to ignore her for now. Let her take over the kitchen- who cares? Its all temporary.
Just ignore - this way u kill your MIL's plans and thats a big win for u.
2006-10-26
#1
Name: Priti Subject: Be clam and direct
Hi Adi,
I have my in-laws with me for 6mths as well. and yes, mil wants to take over the kitchen and leave us no room for our own life.
--taking over the kitchen and eating from your husband's bowl behavior
1. you need to regain your presence in the kitchen, that's the only way so that you wouldn't be a stranger in your own house. In the beginning I too used to let my mil do whatever she wished, so that she'd feel confortable. but that was just her passive-aggresive behavior to hurt me. So, then I told her -- you are here only for a short period of time, why don't you rest (which I truly meant). Let me make the chapatis. And other times, if she'd start making something, I'd say, let me try that sabzi, can you show me how to do it. if I don't do it I will never learn. you make it so well.
This way starting with small things, pretty soon if you do everything in the kitchen there won't be much left for her to do. so you just have to be passive-aggresive about it. i hate being that way, but that's the only way, otherwise when i say stuff directly, i just come out too blunt and they take me the wrong way. Also, takign over small thing in kitchen, will help you get direct with your mil, and make her realize that this is your kitchen, where she is welcome, but can't take over.
every now and then, make something she likes, if she doesn't like it just eat it yourself. if the salt is less for them, then just say add it later, it's not good for health to have so much salt.
2. wanting to be with their son all the time -- I think it is not very healthy. but if that's what makes then happy, I let them hold hands and so forth. I just have trained myself not to let that kind of stuff bother me. every now and then, I'll bring it up to my husband and he'll say that too, that we don't spend enough time with each other, and we need to do that to be connected. if you put it that way, most of the time they agree and you can come up with creative way to have a few moments together. i'm just glad that my husband feels the same way.
3. about gifts your mom sent you -- i wouldn't let her take that from you. I would stand up and say -- my mom sent it for me and i want it. i'll find out from my mom where she got and you can get it for sil when you go back to india. I can't buy this sutff here. Or to show your kindness, you could say, I can give you one but not both. and if she makes a big deal out of it just let is slide and behind closed doors bring it up with your husband that it is a gift from my mom and it hurts me that I can't keep it. just say that and leave it at that. like i said keep a calm mind.
also, when i start getting too many negative thoughts and feel like i'll lose it, i start chanting/humming something, so that i can push thost -ve thoughts out of my mind.
best of luck. and yes, you do need an outlet. friends, family, coworkers are good. even this forum. husband is good and a must, but when it comes to his parents, you have to say what you feel, but carefully. main thing, don't start getting angry when you talk about his parents to him, remain calm and make your point short and sweet. that way you'll come across and clear, rational and direct.
wish you all the best.
2006-10-31
#2
Name: Priti Subject: Great Job
Nice to hear about your progress. Yes, it will be difficult to put up with the side comments, etc. Every now and then there may even be drama. The biggest thing you have one your side is your husband defending you, when your mil complains. So as long as you have his support, you will be fine.
When husband supports his wife, mil can't really argue with thier beloved sons, and they also have the fear of losing their son, so they'll accept you for the sake of their son.
if you mil complains, let her do that. just don't lose grip of your calm and start complaining as well. if she says something, just ignore, act indifferent. also, make sure that your husband (most importantly), along with the in-laws understand that what you are doing if well-intended. i.e. that you cooking, instead of letting your mil cook -- is so that you can help out, learn from her, etc. -- instead of saying, it's my kitchen i will do what i wish, directly. such a directness is not well received. so if she says, shouldn't argue with elders, you should just say short and sweet -- i'm just trying to help.
touching feet -- as many times as it makes them happy is my philosophy. i am used to touching feet on special occasions -- my in-laws have different criteria -- they'll say themselve, come touch my feet, so i'll do that. but they don't ask me every day. maybe once a day or so would be enough. i would think.
good luck.
2006-10-30
#3
Name: Adi Subject: Thanks
Thanks a ton Priti for wonderful advice and suggestions. It’s really helpful. There has been some progress in the recent days from my end atleast. I have started going to the kitchen. If MIL insists, I just don’t let her take stuff from my hand. Earlier she used to force me (literally snatch it) to give her whatever job I was doing. I simply tell her(having strong hold of stuff that I am doing).. – that mom you can do other stuff too there is a lot to take care off and she in turn would mumble something like … “you shouldn’t refuse what elder say†and I ignore as if I didn’t hear it. I am sure it doesn’t comfort her – but at the end, I don’t feel degraded. This has made my presence back a bit but I am not sure how long can I carry this. She does crib and have started using sarcasm now.. but all I do is ignore and don’t bother myself much. She also has started picking on me for small lil things and complain my hubby for the same. Thankfully he is very supportive and gets defensive. All I am afraid is it doesn’t get other way and she is not accepting me as a part of the family. One question to all of you- do you touch your in-laws feet as a mark of respect?? If yes, how many times a day?
2006-10-26
#4
Name: Adi Subject: I am confused...
Thanks Tanya. I see your point too..but why do MILS want to spoil there own son's life? If I stop complaining to my hubby, then i would just keep on boiling from inside- is it good? It would also some way or the other show it in my behaviour i am sure. I have started to get nightmares. I wish i can be diplomatic.. but i am not. I am working and still whatever hrs i am home, it becomes a nightmare. I know she is here for just few months, but i want the life to be peaceful not a scary story of any horror movie.
I am sure, its hard to make son's believe that there mom can be painful to their wifes.. how would you make them realize them? I am totally confused.. which way to go...
**- get direct with MIL and stop complaining to my hubby
**- absorb whatever happens cause she is here for just 6 months and share my misery story with hubby who in the end gets disturbed.
2006-10-25
#5
Name: test Subject: Hello Adi
I was in your situation sometime back. I can definitely understand each word you said. But i would like to tell you the way i handled the situation. Wait till she cooks her stuff. After which if you do not like the food, try cooking some stuff for yourself. That way you do not have to depend on her. Tell her frankly that i cannot eat such salty stuff and ask her if she can eat that.
2006-10-26
#6
Name: Adi Subject: thanks- need more help
Thanks for understanding my situation. This comforts me a bit. i think the point has come, when I have to speak things out and let her know that these are hurtful things rather then taking it along. Everyday there is something or the other and i am tired of these daily struggles and everyday the thought of going back home have started haunting me. The way you told me 'test', i did the same thing- i tried cooking a chapati and she immediately took off the stuff from my hand saying dont do it ...let me do it. Seems like i am a stranger in my own house. Ofcourse she does it behind my hubby as he cant keep standing near me all the time. For Karva chauth, I gifted her a gold chain with a pendant (mom written on it) and she instead of thanking asked, you didnt give any thing for your FIL.. i dont know where the hell this culture came from where on Karva you give gifts to FIL. What would you guys do in such situations?
2006-10-25
#7
Name: tanya Subject: not 2 worry
i cant think of much now..but r u working? most women work in US to get out of the house and keep themselves busy and then also to avoid inlaws. If u stay at home, MIL/FIL will visit more often cos they've company while their son works. U need less face time with them. I am sure she's different with u infront of her son. So if u work, u guys spend less time with inlaws. And, most of them get bored in US if both r working. So that means less visits. What MIL is trying to do is creating a fight between u and your husband. Atleast shes not permanent. U need to stop complaning to your husband abt your inlaws no matter what. I am pretty sure that MIL wants to instigate u and create a fight and she would be like ' I never said anything' and then, she looks good and u look bad. So, the best is to ignore her for now. Let her take over the kitchen- who cares? Its all temporary.
Just ignore - this way u kill your MIL's plans and thats a big win for u.
2006-10-26
#8
Name: Adi Subject: I am confused
Thanks Tanya. I see your point too..but why do MILS want to spoil there own son's life? If I stop complaining to my hubby, then i would just keep on boiling from inside- is it good? It would also some way or the other show it in my behaviour i am sure. I have started to get nightmares. I wish i can be diplomatic.. but i am not. I am working and still whatever hrs i am home, it becomes a nightmare. I know she is here for just few months, but i want the life to be peaceful not a scary story of any horror movie.
I am sure, its hard to make son's believe that there mom can be painful to their wifes.. how would you make them realize them? I am totally confused.. which way to go...
**- get direct with MIL and stop complaining to my hubby
**- absorb whatever happens cause she is here for just 6 months and share my misery story with hubby who in the end gets disturbed.
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Be clam and direct
Name: Priti
Thanks
I am confused...
Hello Adi
I am confused
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