Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

hi everyone

i am surprised to see, how all womens in this chat are helping each other...when we are so lonely and alone in this country. evenif we are so far from our country MIL and FIL have no end.

i need some suggestion, i am married for last 5 years, on h4 visa ..so no job..

my husband and inlaws were not happy with my parents due to the marriage ceremony. after that they stopped contacting them. i told my parent too not to talk with anyone since in laws in india, they used to tell any rubbish thing to my husband on phone. now today my husband never ask me about my parents...we don;t disscuss anything..its sad. he provides me every neccessity but you know, when u don;t discuss with your partner about ur childhood, family, parents....it feels so alone. you are not close to him.
now my problem is i am going to india. i want to buy something for everyone..but can't dare to ask him. since we don;t talk abt my family ..how can i ask him for gift. i never askedk bfore ..when we went to india. i just took chocolates thats it..i told him i want for friends and family. its so weired believe me.
on the contrary when my inlaws were here..they bought lot of gifts for their son and daguther and their family...but didn't even ask me if i want to send anything..
friends...do you think i should ask him?since i don;t earn a penny here. i feel guilty. i don;t know what to do ...please help
and one more thing...how many days we can stay at our parents when we r going after one year.
how many days u guys are styaking at your parents house and inlwas house ...suppose in one month duration.

please help me..i just want to know everyone views. i don't have any friend here. so can;t talk to anyone. parents are scared of husband. they are telling whatver he decides do it .

any help will be appreciated! shiny replied. Dear lata,
See you need to explain him,your parents are as important to you as his.Also try to be smart and save some money here and there and buy something special for your parents.anyways it looks you live in a low profile in your house.You need to put control on your life.
Lorin replied. Lata dont feel bad that u r not working and that u r on H4. U are not going to be like this for ever. So why dont you study something keep urself updated. Show ur husband that u r getting ready and r ready to take a job anytime as soon as ur visa status changes.Dont feel bad that u r dependent on him and please dont show him the way u feel it might at times turn against u. Its ur husband's duty to take care of u. Talk to ur husband. Only if u talk things will work out. Ur mil is far away when she has such a effect on ur husband u must have more its not too late start working on it and enjoy ur shopping and trip to India Lorin replied. Hi lata,

I am also going to india after 3years. I am a working women. I also had the same problem like u. I couldnt Buy gifts for my parents inspite of me working here its a shame. I kept on thinking and worrying about it quite often then one day decided i have to come to a conclusion. My mil was here for 6 months with me i got her what ever she wanted now i am going home i told my husband i feel ashamed to go empty handed. U know what now a days i keep on telling him everytime i want to buy something. He has started taking me for shopping. He cant say no i tell him clearly when ever i go to see my sister in law who is also in US i take gifts in a big suitcase so i tell my husband when i do all that happily i do expect the same from my husband. When i do so much for his mother and father i to expect the same from him. When he feels proud and happy when i give his family members gift i too want to feel the same i dont want to feel ashamed or anything. My mil also did not ask me a single word whether i want to send anything for my mom. i felt very bad but what to do these mil's are so cheap witches we cant do anything about it but we can do one thing we can try and make our husbands understand it. Let me tell u its not easy i have had so much fights and all that before i could make things normal at home. When my mil was here she told my husband that my parenst where trying to pull my husband towards them i told my husband u guys are afraid because u have done this to ur sister. My sil's husband is at their mercy so they think my parents will do the same i told my husband clearly we dont have any such intentions so stop acting too smart and behave like a man. Now things are fine so latha u have every right to talk about ur parents and its ur husband who must know about them, how they brought u up, how they made u study its not easy to bring a child up. Its ur husband's duty to love them also u dont expect him to spend for them but u must make him love them. Make him talk to them make him feel how good they are. All because we are married means its doesnt mean we have to forget our family. So everything is in ur hands Latha be bold i learned all this from this forum. This forum has helped me a lot. Its a duty of a husband to keep u happy and ur happiness also lies on the way ur husband treats ur parents. He has to repsect them. Dont give ur rights for any reason. Slowly start talking about ur parents. Make ur husband mingle with them then only he will realise ur parents are not a threat. Just for ur husband u cant bury ur feeling. Latha just last week i had this problem i had come to a peak level and i could not take it any more couldnt work couldnt sleep at last broke down infront of my husband and cried and told him how much my parents have done for me dont ever complain about his parents i cried a lot told him he doesnt love me he only loves his parents he couldnt do anything just kept quite. i told him u were with me all alone for 3yrs had my parents ever tried to pull u towards them he couldn say anything he knew it was true hope so he realised it. one thing is very clear my mil feels very insecure and possisive about her son. So dont get scared and keep quite. Ur husband is married and u r his first priority. Talk to him make him understand. Start buying gifts for ur family not expensive ones but affordable ones. Take him with u make him choose. I take my husband with me and make him choose he cant anything if he says anything i will make his life miserable. Dont be afraid Latha i was also in the same boat like u a week back it all depends on ur smartness. We have to work hard to change things but its worth it. Our ultimate thing should be we must change our husband so get started. If ur husband loves u he will surely understand u latha. All the best.


Thanks,

Lorin swati replied. i understand what u r going thru..many of us r in the same boat. first of all don't feel guilty abt buying gifts cos u don't work. there r many who work and still feel the same as u do. don't spend 2 much either but reasonable. i am sure your mil bought lots of stuff- so for an approximate budget maybe buy half of the value. i am saying this cos your husband would probably not suggest u to buy anything and u took chocolates for them last time. So don't overdo the shopping part.
For the satying at your inlaws part, just stay for whatever time your husband stays at his parents. If he spends all vacation at your inlaws place, then u can visit your parents for 2 weeks and the rest of 2 weeks at your inlaws provided your husband is there as well. If u will stay longer in India, then just stay at your inlaws till husband is around and then move to your parents. If your family is comfortable then invite your husband to your place as well. Most guys don't want to stay at their inlaws place anyways which I feel is good cos otherwise u and your family have to focus/give attention to the son in law.
Keep us posted! Have fun!