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Role of in-laws:slapped by husband
2006-08-18
Name: Pooja Tiwari



Dear friends,

Earlier I posted on the board about Inlaws visting US. They are leaving today. They were pain in my neck since the time they landed. They criticized my everything right from breakfast, tea, dinner, etc etc. MIL always claims she is the best cook and doesnot allow me to cook in my own kitchen. I was like a helper. FIL is also very egoist and want his way in everything. I have tonnes to tell you all, may be later.

But here is the big thing - I am a masters degree holder and was working in India before getting married and coming to US. I didnot had pemrit to work and hubby had lot of pressure on job so I just kept updating myself by reading books etc. After a long wait of 3 years, I got my work permit when inlaws were here. I told hubby not to disclose it to them, as they are always after me as why I am not working??? I told hubby to let them leave then I will look for work and then we will tell everyone. I earlier even told hubby to not call them now, let me get a job and then let them visit. He didnot listen to me all these times. Yesterday, he came back from office and told everyone that the work permit has arrived. I was SHOCKED! He never told me he is going to tell this today.

Then we both went for some work outside and he kept mum. I shouted and asked him why did he do this without even telling me????? He SLAPPED me on my face and I was really shocked. Then he drove back to home, I told him on not to fight in front of inlaws but he didnot care. He abused me on my way and came back home. He asked in front of them will they now ask me again and again about my work?? and getting job?? I was so so so much shocked. I cried a lot. I didnot eat food. In the morning, they were all so normal. They had dinner, breakfast of halwa poori then lunch. HUbby even bought some more gifts for them. Today is my fast. Nobody cared to ask me what I ate???? And on top of it, hubby asked me to talk with them. Just now, my MIL came and asked me to put on some serial which she watches daily. I said, mujhe pareshan matt keejiye, these people have no shame. I am still in shock, I donot know what I am writting.

Will write later,
Pooja
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2006-08-23
#1
Anonymous Name: prema
Subject:  happy for u



Pooja, u really have to be happy oz ur husband said sorry and ur in laws are caring about uu.. not all can get that type of sil.. in my life, my husband and sil hurts me alot.. they not even come back to say sorry,.everyone make dont know..
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2006-08-21
#2
Anonymous Name: tejmom
Subject:  be bold



search 4 a job vigourously. get a job first. if he slaps u after that, slap him back or tell him that he can be punishd legaly 4 slapping u. if u forgive him. he will continue doing this thru out ur life, as long as u live.
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2006-08-21
#3
Anonymous Name: tejmom
Subject:  be bold



search 4 a job vigourously. get a job first. if he slaps u after that, slap him back or tell him that he can be punishd legaly 4 slapping u. if u forgive him. he will continue doing this thru out ur life, as long as u live.
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2006-08-21
#4
Anonymous Name: a
Subject:  take care of yourself



It is sad that your husband slapped you and has stopped talking instead to saying sorry. I would say, to get emotional stability, just focus on yourself. meaning, spend your time looking for jobs, giving interviews, do whatever you need to for yourself. If you don't give your husband some attention for a while, his mind bhi raste pe aa jayega. If you try to give him much attention by talking to him about this incident, when his is keep mum then so should you. If he doesn't want to talk about it, and you try wanting to talk about it, he may just get more uncomfortable and irritated for no reason, just like he got irritated and slapped you when you wanted to talk to him about why he told everyone about green card. but you know your husband the best, so do what you think is appropriate.
Also, for the sake of having your reaction known -- i would just make one short statement to your husband -- like, \";you told everyone about my permit, without talking about it with me first. You broke my trust. When i asked for explanation, you slapped me, showing you don't care. My feeling are hurt. If you care about our relationship tell me when you are ready to talk. Our marriage is important to me and would like resolve this so that we can continue to love and respect eachother.\"; After making the statement, don't wait for him to say anything, just continue with your life. Just keep interactions with him at a minimun and start taking more care about yourself. importantly, for the immediate few days, don't expect any emotional support for him. because if he doesn't give it, you'll be more hurt. so just let things be and start being content, confident and happy in yourself and he'll follow.Also, like others said, warn him.

good luck...
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2006-08-21
#5
Anonymous Name: Preeti
Subject:  Re: Reply Back



Hi Pooja,

Dear, I feel like giving you hugs to overcome your pain...it is extremely shocking and painful when your husband slaps you...I faced this in the first yr of our marriage when in the middle of a fight, my husband slapped me...I was soo stunned....I just walked out of the house and went for a looong walk. When I came back after 2-3 hours, I told him that the next time he does that, I'm going to slap him back or call 911...only husbands who can't fight with arguments or logic slap their wives and I'm not going to tolerate it ever again...Anyways, the point is that the next time it happened - I did slap him back and since he was not expecting it, he was quite shocked..I told him that if he dishes it out he should be prepared to take it too...and also if he physically abuses me any further, I'm going to call 911 and to hell with log kya kahenge ( inspite of the fact that I most probably would not have done it because of the very same feeling ki what will relatives and friends say, but when you are defending yourself, all these threats do work)...Thankfully he never slapped me after that...

After your in-laws leave, give yourself a break from him - don't talk to him for some time...let your anger and shock subside...and then when you feel more in control, then have a talk with him...write him an email if you feel that he will not listen to you...tell him that you love him but if he keeps on behaving this way then he is killing all your love for him..if he thinks he is going to win an argument by hitting you then he is sadly mistaken...all he is succeeding in is making you resent him...

And Pooja, don't feel scared in creating a scene..if your husband or in-laws take advantage of you then you have a full right to defend yourelf...sometimes they all are just pushing buttons to see how far they can go..hubby might be getting more aggressive because he might think that his parents are there to support him...once his parents are gone, its just you and him and he might behave more reasonably...

Whatever it is, don't let this incident pass...because it is up to you to make him feel guilty (which he should)...if you don't then he will think that he can do it again as it wont create any problems for him...

But as I said - do it after the in-laws are gone, because if you fight with him in front of them, they might feel very happy and take pleasure in it...which you don't want...

Take care dear,

I wish you all the best,
Preeti
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2006-08-19
#6
Anonymous Name: a DIL
Subject:  Talk to him !!!!!



Hey ,

I am shocked and sad after reading your query.

Will you listen to my advise ?? Then please, if you have guts - just go and tell you husband that you want to go back to India and you need a BREAK !!!

Girl...just say it once and say it boldly and strongly and lets see what happens....I think he is taking you for granted...just show him that you are not weak. You are an educated girl ...you have your own dignity...how can he treat you like a dirt ?? I think its because you have let him to do so.

See, we all know that our husbands have some responsibility towards their parents...since now a days most parents have one or 2 kids....so they become extremely possessive, specially about their sons after their marriage. ...but our husbands must realize the fact that they have some responsibility towards their wives as well.

So make your husband realize that he can not take you for granted !!! He has to respect your wishes and feelings...like he does his parents's.

I guess, your in-laws have left...so sit down with your husband, be very firm and talk to him....and one more thing...never ever cry in front of him. Change this attitude...you have to present yourself as a strong person. Ask him- will he continue to behave like this ? What is the future of your married life ? I am sure, even he won't like this roz ka jhagda and tension...then ask him, what both of you can do as a couple to resolve your problems. If there are some minor changes that you can make - tell him that you are ready to do...but in exchange you also expect him to make changes on his part.

Think about all the points and then talk to him.

I wish you the best. Hope he realizes his mistake soon.

Keep us posted.
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2006-08-19
#7
Anonymous Name: NULLNULLNULL
Subject:  agree



hey, i agree with shanya.don't take abuse. just call 911.
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2006-08-18
#8
Anonymous Name: shayna
Subject:  Hi



I have only one thing to tell you ,do not let your hubby ever slap you again.The next time he does that tell him you are going to call 911.NO DO NOT TAKE ABUSE.
Tell him you are going to involve your parents in this whole thing and his friends adn colleagues will also be informed as to how he actually is.Nobody likes his personal details being revealed like that.
DO NOT TAKE ABUSE.
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2006-08-22
#9
Anonymous Name: Pooja
Subject:  Thanks



Thanks a lot people for replying. I feel atleast heard of. I cannot even tell about this episode to my parents or sisters. I feel loved.

My husband came to me the next day and apologized. He asked me to come to the living room and be goody goody to Inlaws. Next morning, when they were leaving, I became ok types. I didnot talk much with anyone, just helped inlaws leave. We went to drop them to another city which is 3 hrs drive. While coming back, hubby didnot utter a single word. I also kept silent. I felt so bad. I thought he will talk to me. Then when we came back, he simply started watching TV. I came to him and said dont you even want to talk about it all, and he said I have already said sorry. He told me that I am good but the only problem with me is the way I talk when I get angry. He said he slapped me because I shouted. Even after all this, he said it was my fault. Then he said he is feeling bad as inlaws have left thats why he is silent.

Too much yaar. Yesterday I went to a bookstore as I am also preparing for a certification. He was supposed to pick me up in the evening. But he called early and said lets go home. He was a bit caring yesterday. He said he called inlaws and they asked about me. He said she is also not at home then inlaws said good, otherwise she would have felt very bad and lonely. I think because inlaws cared for me, he also did. After coming back, as usual, he kept silent but showed a bit of care.

One more thing, I have been trying to get pregnant since last 2 years. My husband has been very unsupportive in all this. He said it will happen on time. I went for a checkup, but doc said to have hubby tested. He is not at all concerned. I donot know what to do, this time my periods are 14 days late and they are always on time. I did home pregnancy test, but it came negative. I think the delay might be because of stress I have been through all this time. May be writting it to you all, I will feel better.

likh kar achha laga and it meant a world to me, reading all 6 replies. It gives me confidence and courage to go on......

thanks a lot girls, will write more.

Pooja
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