Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi saheli.......... plz do reply to this post.
Now let me explain my problem - I am a mother of 2 kids - elder daughter 2.5 yrs and 2nd daughter 3 months old. I had very early kids within my 3 yrs of marriage.Apart from that I went thru hell lot of pain becoz of my in-laws finally on March we started staying separately. My entire life I have been a very ambitious person , had excellent acdemic record and a gr8 career but post marriage coz of my in-laws I went thru lot of pain becoz of which after my 1st baby i took 1 yr break and then joined back to office. Now again I would be on a break for a while and join once my lil daughter is nearly 10-12 months old.
Entire day I am all alone taking care of both the kids as I am unable to find a maid and moreover by thinking of my career I feel very bad. These thoughts really make me very depressed. My elder daughter is a fussy eater and she has lost a lot of weight coz she catches infection from her school cold-cough ----- I don' t understand how do I make her eat food and increase her weight.
Being a primary care giver for ur kids is really a taxing process.I don' t get enough sleep or resr. My husband is co-operative but he is busy in office. Please help me come out of these depressing feelings. Saheli replied. Dear ' Worried Mom' ..
Sorry for a long post .. but these days I am having a very busy schedule. Just find time to read this site, put down all my thoughts in whatever time available. Please bear with me!

After reading your post I cd feel what you have been through and what you muse be goign through. There was a time in my life when I was jobless (me same - very ambitious and great aademic record) and felt same as you are feeling right now.

Let' s do a fast-forward from history to present! I think you have passed the phase and placed much better now. Things are in your control and you are taking steps to carefully evaluate your priorities and ambitions and take right decisions. What you are not realising is you are still being emotional.

Dear, this is time to keep emotions and worries aside for a while and concentrate on what you are doing. You are doing right! You are going right. Understand this, and first of all, be conifdent about yourself!

Think, prioritize, plan, execute.
This is what I would suggest. And note that there are no emotions mentioned here.

Think - Analyze .. what' s the current situation. Think what is your life all about?
How would you want to be when you are 55 or 60 yr old? A successful career woman? A balanced common family woman wit career kids home etc? Decide.
Kids are small, need you. Recently separated from inlaws .. you guys need some time to set (I assume). Your ambitions - yes they are equally important. Your responsibilities - they are important too.

Think what are the various domains hubby and you need to manage as a couple, through your life ...
Family, bringing up kids well, home, finance, security, his career, your career, health, social responsibilities .. like this, make your list.

Is it possible for both hubby and you to own all equally? I dont think so. Will it be more suitable if you guys distribute and primarily own some of the domains ... and help each other in the domains other person is owning?

Am I making sense? Let me explain. We all distribute domains unknowingly ... kids and home goes to lady, career finance goes to hubby. Right? Just re-look at these and decide which ones you would like to own PRIMARILY.

These will help you do the next step ->

Prioritize -
Make a long term and short term prioritization list. Actually make it on paper. I assume :
Long term - good rearing of kids, good home maker/wife/mom whatever, your career. These things wd be in your list. You need to put them in order. Top most has to be your first priority and so on.
Short term (coming yr or so?) - kid, baby, health of family, home management ... then probably career

Use your step 1 above (domains that u think u shd own) to do this prioritization.

And I think, the answer you will get is like this ...
Right now - kids, baby, home and health
Long term - settle kids and their care, and get a career

Now lets PLAN to address problems/questions around these. With - First things first.!

Plan -

So, for now, dont worry for hitting all the birds at same time.
Let' s focus on one by one problems, in the order of priotitization.

Right now, the family needs you, most imp - baby needs you (more so if you are feeding her). Your health, your mind, your happiness affects baby and whole family (you see the power you have?) ... If lady in family is unhappy, it spoils whole family' s happiness and peace.

Be at home and get the family nicely set up in coming one year such that ... baby grows up well, kid gets settles, you find and train and set a long term maid assuming you wll join office next yr .. and arrange for back up maid/options.
For coming one yr, you are gonna be at home with kids.

Forget worrying about everything else. Plan and act.

Now we have taken care of first problem. Next - career next yr.
Do you feel you have wasted 1/2 years of career?
I feel you have used it in the best possible way.

Career is there for many years. But the first year of growing up for which the baby needed mother, will never come back.

It was your resp, and you have lived it well. This is the toughest job. the second baby again is your primary resp. Take it and live it well.

Remember step 1 - kids and home are your domains? And priority as well? So dont regret. You have done great!

Rearing kids is a tough job -
You are getting stressed out by managing 2 kids alone. you need helper. You need to get refreshed. Catch a temporary maid first. Unload some work and keep looking for long term options.
Take the temporary maid and kids out, in a week, and ejnoy something u like. Shop, eat, whatever.

In a day, do atleast one small thing that u enjoy - 30 min TV serial, eating what u like, talking to friends .. whatever.
Everyday - do one such thing.

Start makign elder one as independent as possible. Let her take time and mess up and do ... be patient. Unload.

Job -
Plan job now - planning to join next year. do whatever is neded like keeping yourself updated. Dont worry about people/career levels. See your side and be confident and proud of achievements.
Remember - everyone has to balance it out somewhere .. those who are in office 18 hrs are not at home 18 hrs. They hv missed something that is not visible to us.

Concentrate your time and energy on family for this yr.
Dont want to include here what to do about the elder child, the post is already quite long! Talk to your doctor.

Depression -
Start doing thinks you enjoy and depression should come down.
Keep posting here and share your thoguhts - this will help drain you out.
Talk to friends if any to drain, see if u can go out with them and ejnoy.
Forget worries and enjoy. Enjoy with kids ..let the home be messy if u r tired, watch TV, put on music and dance, cook n eat. Dress up... haircut ... massage ... facial .. whatever.
dont be involved in too many processes and social formalities at home at this time, remember priotities.Kids, your health and happiness first.
You are a mom of 2. A Wife. A mature and adult person. You have to search your happiness. Its easy to say, but try it. Chak your worries, they wont give naything. But being happy will.

Want to know about your hubby - whats his job like? Why is he so busy? Let me know if possible.

Relax, enjoy life now (or wanna do after you are old? :-)
Good luck!