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Role of in-laws:Hello bb and friends...

2006-07-24

Name: Silver Hi BB and other DIls who suffer mammas boys bias over moms.

Try to be honest to that family. Dont worry. things definitely get settled one fine day. Simply wait for it.It's not her who going to share everything forever with him.He know ur importance and sure did he love you. But he has some sympothy over her. and he doesnt want to change himself. Of course, he is not seeing any reason to oppose his mom while favouring u.

Any man feel sympothy over weeker side. He believes u r strong and young to manage things and that his mom is old ,he is offering a helping hand in every matter.
It never means he love his mom more than u.First, U stop comparng dear. Then u can c result.

Both of u are important ladies in his life in different directions .So dont try to see his love towards another end. Probably u have evidence that he showing bias to his mom.Those might be real but it's foolproof that he love u too but cant show u that until u appear to be stopping comparing with her.

Try to be practicing patience like old movie heroine :) !

It happened to me. and when I compare he say \";y do u compare with them\"; I stopped comparing and used to feel \";yes, Its not him feeling them his.And I have to feel same \"; so, I started saying or treating his mil and sil as 'our'entitities and not only 'his' entities.Hope u understod minude thing hidden in it.
this suggestion not only for u but for every DIL suffer from these hubby's bias problem. I experienced the difference in treating them ours and not his.

Any doubts, let me know!Take care, dear.
Be nice to ur hubby and if possible try to be nice with mil (unless she abuse u badly) .And dont urself tell she is not being nice to u. give him time to realise it.but reember, he
'll not feel she is bad though he realise it and not going to oppose her. ( as he feel u bad if he gets any complaint against u) Dont expect it near future.
Dont ever expect him to oppose her .Just expect him to not to misunderstand you ...
If u r not expecting him to oppose his mom...ur actions show it and ur words say it without ur knowledge and he can c it!! Then he start believing u too.

Take care.dear.After all they shared first quarter life without any competitors with them and then u entered.It might take at least half of that time to win his heart totally while u r having those who try in everystep to ruin your good deeds to ur hubby.

So, give ur total love without feeling competition with any one.Then in sooner time u can win him .And he can c things without bias and can analyse where honesty is now!!

So, share love without involving anyone into ur relation ship.If u r comparing with someone ..u r just making ur hubby to bend the other side more and more...So stop comparing .

Love,Silver.

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2006-07-26

Name: purvi
Subject:

Hi gals

Esp. to silver,i have been reading your suggestions in most of the boards in indiaparenting,you are one of a kind.Its true what u said ultimately hubby's come to their wives.
Its sad that all we ever dream of is a nice family,have a little acceptance from in-laws,a few kind words from your mil become friends with her,but then suddenly all that comes crashing down.
Nice suggestions silver.Keep up the good work.

2006-07-27

Name: purvi
Subject:

Hi silver

I agree with you totally.I keep asking myself sometimes will i also get so posessive about my son.Honestly somewhere deep down I want to be friends with my dil.But more than that i would hope and pray that i don't end up manipulating my son's life.
Just as you say may god bless us with lots of wisdom to keep our sanity intact(and others too).Bye take care silver.

2006-07-26

Name: Silver
Subject:

know what...?

Thanks Purvi,
I have heard a story ,my grandpa used to say.."One man created 2 pretty dolls and put together..they looked pretty though lifeless. Someone came and named one doll MIL(Saas) and another as DIL(Bahu) ,suddenly those dolls brought a life themselves and started fighting and scolding eachother...."

So,It's not us crying over but our ROLLs (bahu) !Hope u got the fact in the story!! :)!

At least Purvi, Let's swear we should not toomuch posessive towards our sons when they get married..and let make our DILs live their hassle free lives with their hubbies without our complaints and interference.

May god bless us with ultimate wisdom in our old age!

2006-07-25

Name: Tony S
Subject:

for silver

Thanks Silver. I think u r a very mature level-headed young woman. Hats off to you. Your hubby and in-laws and of course kids are v. lucky to have u in their lives. most of all the credit goes to your parents and of course to your self independent mind. I think all the ladies here should learn from the terrific positive attitude u have in life, the world will be such a happy place to live in.. Thanks silver, i think u r gold !!!!!

2006-07-26

Name: Tony S
Subject:

for silver

Thanks silver for thinking that I am a positive person. U know a few people told me so and I also feel so. But my hubby does not feel that way !!!! He keeps telling me that I am quite a negative person and like a fool for sometime I believed in that. but then when with the passage of time and my interaction with other people increased I realised that I am not so negative as he tells me. I am positive and that is what keeps me going and happy too !! So I also realised that each person has his own opinion and one should belive in oneself, only then it is possible to live a good, happy, achieving life. This site is great . It lets us pour our hearts out in all ways. And all of us without even seeing each other are there for that special moral support that only a mother or an elder sister can give. Thanks silver and all others....

2006-07-26

Name: Silver
Subject:

Thanks Tony!

Hi Tony!
Thanks for it!
Know what TOny ,I know u from ur previous messages that u r too very positive one. Particularly, loong back u gave some cents to suffering DIL to please MILs..2yrs back I used to get same exact thoughts but has some other reasons and I never implemented though I know how she gets peace .
later, when I read ur solutions...I suprised, someone is in same boat!!

Tony, NOw I'm being nice as usual but stopped to try to please in each and every manner...which makes us loose ourselves in that process of pleasing them. of course I observed that we become leniant to them even.

It's Nice meeting you Tony and HI!

2006-07-25

Name: HI
Subject:

hello

hi silver

i read ur message. it is very good. i have one doubt dear. always i also try to be nice with n laws and all. but someway or another, i think i'll show frustrations to my hubby for all this. first hand, i'll think, why i have to adjust?(i'm adjustong a lot) . why, like me he also have the resposibilty towards our relationship. whay can't he understand that? i h think u got my point. WHY WE HAVE TO WIN HIM OVER HIS MOTHER? then why did he got married? why pulled us to this SO NOW WE R FEELING LIKE WE R DOING WRONG LOVING HIM MORE SO HIS MOTHER IS SAD. I DON'T KNOW DEAR FRIEND. I JUST WROTE WHAT I THINK. WHY IS THIS DEAR/

2006-07-26

Name: hi
Subject:

thanks

thanks silver tank u for ur time and good reply

2006-07-25

Name: silver
Subject:

yes,dear!

well, I used to wonder similar way and still sometimes get doubts "loving hubby is nothing but we r being cunning to someone??? "

Exactly I used to feel it because my hubby used to feel ...I'm doing dramas to win over him. A typical hubby might think " hmm, Now she is acting smart and thinking I'd be behind her leaving my fav mom.she doesnt know it nver gonna happen,hhihihee" I used to think that way...I'm not sure I'm overthinking on his thoughts and feelings.But it'just my problem becuase I had gifted a oversmart hubby who can always drag soemthing out of nothing .
'He'(any 'he' ...ofcourse any of biased hubby ) developed that concept tbecause their parents are always insecured b4 his marriage that someone would come and snatch him frm them.So they built that concept in his mind 'bout coming wife...So he always wants watch the symptoms that wife is makking him oppise them .SO, he want to be extra careful...

So, I just realised it and felt it's just my fate and I've to deal it...So stopped complaining and myself treating them similar like him. Now I became soemhow smart and not at all gettign their topic and being lovey dovey to them. ...Even I showed him how it feels like when wife doesnt show her love to hubby.B4 that he used to feel I'm showing love to win him. But I showed its not the case.

So, anyway my hubby love me but just want to be extra careful which is not necessary with a positive girl like me. Also, my inlaws r not that cruel but like many others feel insecurity and pour negative things 'bout my parents and they never got a chance to comment on my behaviour so, they just let my hubby know that though I'm nice, they r feeling bad that I'm not learnt household works well..my hubby never feel complaints against me made just for their insecurity.but want me to behave according to them and take care of whole home in my only 3weeks vacation to ind...etc..he expects.of course, now he realise at least i need those 3weeks of relaxation in my entire busy 1yr life in usa . and want me to spend more time at my parents place.

So dear, Initially I used to feel "y me got this type of hubby" but later after realsing when time comes he defiitely defend us but when we r weeker side ,then only he could show his real love.
So I started behaving like myslef.Anyway I'm kinda being nice to enimies too. then y cant I behave good just for sake of him and my peace of mind?.We'll ultimately win something but not going to loose anything if we r being nice. Tehn y can't we??

First, they have to realise that we r not here to separate them .but want to share a good life with hubby so doesnt want him to hear any complaints againts us. I jsut conveyed it,and stopped complaining.
Now its his part...if he trust mme he can be happy, or he finally loose my love and trust at him which is needed in further life.

Thatsy I stopped any of complaints and complements. I just dont want to involve anything. I'm jsut being according to my hubby and somehow, he got adjusted to me in many ways,y cant I adjust and can be loveydovey for his loving family
.

So dear HI, If u could find answers for ur querys in my situationa nd thoughts I'll be glad!!

Jsut being good not only for our hubbies but for sake of our peace of mind!!!

Finally hi, who said only we r adjusting...no honey,these biased guys struggle more than us Tehy always want to balance their love .They cant hear against us or thier moms. So they struggle alot for balancing both. So , finally they know they love us most and has right over us ,so they let their irritation out on us. thats it!
Its true that hubby love his wife most in his life but unfortunately he cant show it because of his fears ...
So, I feel its best not to get their topic until situation is worse like abusing inlaws etc...

Thanks for reading...

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