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Role of in-laws:For Madhu from Jhansi Ki Rani

2006-06-28

Name: HP Hi Madhu,

In my opinion u shd be in touch with ur FIL always & always.. bec
1. As you said he has lot of property in his name. and only ur children has right on that property. If u will stop going there ur SIL will gain all the sympathy of FIL and try to transfer some property in her children name.

now a days its very difficult to do any investments or have a property of ur own I m sure u must be having ur property also but ur children has a right on grandparents property So be clever .. and try to transfer some property in ur children names and now u will ask HOW???

2. if possible stay with ur FIL Yes u have to and u hv also mentioned in ur email that ur FIL also wants the same thing.. I m also staying with my inlaws why just for property not for me for my baby's future. I don't talk to my MIL but stay there only.
3. Go stay with ur SIL and give her a damn if she behave as ur MIL than read my tips to handle MIL.
4. Don't talk to her much try to take control of every thing there. Initially it will not be easy but ek do ladieeyoo kay baad she will also understand that you are also going to give her a equal takkar..
5 And if you stay with ur FIL than today or tomm she has to go back to her husbands place bec you can show that now I m here .. taking care of FIL u go back to ur husband place.. bec I feel now she is showing that I m the only one who is taking care of my father..
6 By staying there u can gain sympathy of ur husband that how much I doing for ur father and ur sis is like after my life..
7 You go and stay there. Its ur house not ur SIL house.. Fight for ur right atleast for ur children right

8 If u stay there u will be 24/7 with ur FIL and than it will be easy for u to know abt all the property of him be gd to him..
SIL ko usay ghar bhej kar hi dam layna. Ok fight be diplomatic. tanay maroo do what ever u want nobody will stop u. only show I have come here to takecare of my FIL and ITS MY DUTY say may apna farz nibha rahi ho. And at the same tm maroo tana to SIL so that she has bhagoo from UR HOUSE

When I got married my 2 SIL were always interfaring in our family matters. I told them don't u ever dare to interfere in my matters. Humilate them infront of there husband. Her husband will start stopping her to interfere in ur matters.. I have also done that otherwise it wd have be very difficult for me to handle 2 devils (SIL) ha ha ha. Now my SIL and her husband both knows ek bolaygay toh char sona dongi. I don't tolerate even a single tana I make instantly issue of that

Create secence infront of her husband.

And dear there will be no peace at home initially for few months. But u motive is to create an enviroment where ur SIL thinks that I shd go back now bec yaha rahna bhabhi nay mishkol kar diya hai.

Pls reply back what u feel abt my idea!!

Bye
JKR

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2006-06-30

Name: Madhu
Subject:

SIL

Hi ,
I also feel the same. I have a 2 year old baby and am working in Software. I have my own house in Noida and am presently based in London with my hubby. The situation is not so easy. My FIL has a weakness for her. In any case I do not think he will ever tolerate any verbal abuse against her. He says wo thodi ajeeb hai par dil ki bahut achhi hai. SIL says jab tak papa jinda hain main wahin rahoongi.Being a Doctor she she practices in Lucknow so she will stay there.

If I go there I will have to tolerate her. Mine is a very unique story.During my delivery I was in Lko for 3 months.She was very much against my delivery at Lko. Even my younger SIL based in US said to my hubby that we should not go for delivery to Lko as it will disturb didi. Once during my stay there my husband confronted her. She made a big issue out of it. My FIL was not based in LKO at that time.He immediately called us and said that u people are here only for few days but she is the one who stays here. He says she is my son. He pampers her like anything till date. Her hubby is a Doctor and wanted to practice in his relatives Nursing home at Mumbai and my FIL and SIL were very against it as then he would not be able to visit her often.

Once when I showed my anger by not talking to her. My FIL did not touch his own 1 year old grandson till the time I did not talk to my SIL.

I can go on and on, as I have lots to say. But to cut short the story it is really difficult.

All the girls pls do write back.

2006-06-29

Name: Dinu
Subject:

hi JKR,

but some how, in this reply u sounded cunning .sorry dear,but listening to this ,I myself as a friend felt u might have got bad image in ur circle(sorry dear, not offencing, but raised lots of doubts whether this is ok to behave so) .
I always tend to be good and loose myself in being nicer to them though they do lot of politics.so i'm surprised a little,while doing it can we get some place in our own hubby's heart ? (like making comments on SILs before her hubbies?) because i know for sure mny hubby never spare me if i do so.
Though i didnt say anything ...they created lot of drama and listening to them ,my hubby scolded me for making their lives helll...(he knows how humble i'm ,but their injecting made him to forget what I'm) .After all, I just answered them for their q'ry y my parents didnt give costly pattusaree for my SIL durng my marriage(whcich was about 4 yrs back) ,so I said my parents did give rs50,000 as SIL's dowry(they asked 10% commission to be given to SIL in total dowry of 5lakhs) ,that is in some casts in my region but uncommon in my caste and we r the only ones gave money to SIL, so they kept some fancy saree and not expensive one. So I didnt even said all these,But simply answered probably because my dad felt burdened with mrg expences and couldnt have spent on some things....SO they didnt say anything then...but created drama in my obsence and my hubby scolded me and asked me whether they want their money back?! I said'i didnt even specifically said anything\"; they imagined i was talking 'bout those 50000.Still he didnt believe me.
He knows I can not say a word back to even strangers but how come he believe them blindly...????

So ur suggestion to madhu is nice but ursuggessions to handle to mil and SIL might not work out for me.

so jkr,Tell me some softer ways to handle my overinterfering sil,plz.
Because she still feels my inlaws home as her home and likes to interfere everything with my hubby.She is only sister to my hubby so he love her verymuch and so doesnt feel her other family?
So how to make her realise she shdn't interfere toomuch? she shd realise not shd complain her parents that i'm trying to avoid her. Becaus ethey r kinda persons that though we dont talk anything he'll imagine something themselves and worry for me that i'm not more good(in earlier days they like me but not my parentrs now they feel I'm changed and my parents changed me, even my hubby believed in them saying so ...he no more feels i'm innocent) and changed to haughty while staying in usa.
Of course, though they believe in me theyy couldnt digest their son loving me so much and treating me innocent.So,theyy wanted to prove me bad so complaining in my obsence.
SO, now i need to regain my hubby's confidence on me and want to make my inlaws home peaceful back. so,tell me tips.

2006-06-30

Name: JKR
Subject:

For Dinu......

Hi Dinu,

I understand that situation is very difficult when MIL doesn't loose a single chance to complain abt us to their son whenever they find him alone..
Bec every tm we cannot stick with our hubby

I think all DIL are facing similar prob in this world
My situation was also same. My sis has suggested me to do this

MIL wants a chance that whenever their son is alone she can complain abt u and do all that roona dhona in short pumping against you.. but in very becharii types manner

In that situation whenever u and ur hubby is sitting alone and ur MIL/SIL comes over. U deliberately move from there. Give them ample time to complain abt u (if possible try to hear what they saying to know the actual feeling abt u.. bec in front of u they try to be goody-goody with u) And than later at night u just give hint to ur hubby that I know when I was not there ur mom/sis was complaining abt me na? I know they always looks for a chance to find u alone and start complaining abt me (talk to him very innocently and very polite manner).. and tell him I DELIBERATLY LEAVE U THERE ALONE WITH UR MOM. I wanted to give u time with ur mom. and never want to come bet u & ur mom but I don't know why still ur mom feels so insecure abt me
Tell him I want you to analyze the whole situation and judge the things .. that's why I deliberately gone from there.

What will happen with all this that more and more tm u will do this more and more complain he hears from his mom and gets fed up one day. And u on the other hand always show him that u know whenever u are alone with ur mom she always complains abt me. Why she is doing this and all

But dear some son's are daboo they never speak infront of their mom's and always become sandwich between his mom and wife

If u find this not working than u do this also bec this also worked for me when I saw that she is complaining too much and my hubby is not in a situation to say anything to her and TO ME ALSO but the same tm at the back of his mind may be he is thinking that I m somewhere wrong.

As we both were working so come back home normally same time. Than what I started doing is I deliberately don't leave my hubby with MIL for single sec not even gone to my mom's place for 2-3 months. Not even a single Sunday he finds his son alone'. I was like glued with him (that tm I don't have a baby.. so I managed to do that) and what happen one day my MIL had a fight with me on some silly matter bec of her frustration .that she was not getting chance of complaining abt me to his son. In all that fight she by mistake accepted that why r u not going to mom's place now. U not leaving my son alone for a single sec. ha hah a..

As u said that u will not be staying with ur inlaws than it means ur MIL interaction with ur hubby will be less so u see if u can apply any of my idea bec I think both will work as MIL will come to ur place or u go there for a short period of time

I m staying with my inlaws so some situation goes really out of control. Bec interaction is much. But I m managing some how..

Now after 2.5 years of marr and one baby the situation at my home is. I DON'T TALK TO MY MIL/SIL AT ALL.. BEC WE (ME AND MY HUBBY) HAD LOTS OF REALLY BIG FIGHTS BEC OF MY MIL/SIL.. and I went back to my mom place but somehow things got back on track and I told him. U go and talk to ur mom I will never talk to her I even don't wish her on her b'day.. we meet everyday but I don't even say hi to her even if our neighbors are also standing there.. I dont care
She really hurted me a lot. It was really a traumatic period for me when I was gone back to my moms place with my baby and at the time of pregnancy

I m working and in the eve I spend my tm with my baby nd my hubby goes to meet his mom for an hour and than come back (we have fixed a tm.. that from this tm to this tm u will go to meet ur mom and rest of the tm u have to give me I m ur wife and I have certain rights and u have to give me time..

TRY TO CONVINCE UR HUBBY TO STRIKE A BALANCE BETWEEN MOM & WIFE
IF UR MIL DO ZADA TANA BAZZI THAN QUITELY ASK UR HUBBY. WHAT UR MOM WANT DOES SHE WANTS OUR SEPEARTION AND R U READY FOR THIS.

In my case my hubby neither wants to leave his mom and nor his baby (can't really sure abt myself J )
Bye
Takcare
Keep writing
JKR

2006-06-30

Name: Dinu
Subject:

thanks dear,

I accept you saying coose only one among your rights, self respect and goody-goody image.
But, my hubby doesnt understand much of their behaviour and all their sweet complaints affect our love life badly.
I donno y cant he understand my mil is mom to him only and she cant love me and whatever she do or tell..that shd result in her daughter's profitable gain frm son whether its his love or money.
What I know bout them is not understandable to my hubby .he only see theoir gud behaviour to me. but not their evil thoughts bout me.
Initially they were god and even now i cant say theuy r bad.But itrs true they r unable to digest the truth we r njoying here ourselves. SO we'll be going to IND soon and we'll be there near by their town(of corse it doent matter where my SIL live,she'll be most of the time with parents) .Everyweekend she come parents and he also forsure goes there.SO I'm in tense how to deal with all tensions.
Here we camefor temporary time and he cant leave his parent and stay in USa. so we r going there.
So, me and my parents r afraid of my hubby's changing mind towards me. in IND he'll not be in his sences because they 'll be complaining all the time in my absence.
so, give me ideas to lessen theirm complaints.

2006-06-29

Name: JKR
Subject:

for dinu and madhu

Hi Dinu,

First of all Its true that ppl might feel bad about you.. that's what I told to madhu also.
You have to choose between your rights, self respect and your goody-goody image.
No matter how much goody-goody image you try to build in inlaws place after some tm you come to know that you SIL was pumping your husband against you and. On the top of that she behaves friendly with you.

We are living in a jet age where we cannt expect our husband to give us importance and time at the age of 50 which normally happens earlier in indian family. Now we want to enjoy our life's in young age only. Want to freek out with our husband
This what MIL doen't digest such a liberal attitude.. bec they haven't (most of them) enjoyed this at young age with their husband that's why they create all this scences and they now there some will pay more attention to us bec of our youth that's why they feel insecure.

Now if you want to build a goody-goody image than u waste your 10 years in building that and will not gain any thing at the end bec she is your MIL not mom and to be very frank MIL will never become ur mom and she definitely give more weight age to her daughter. So I find it waste of time.

And if you become little rude accordingly to the circumstances. They know (MIL & SIL) that panga layna mangha padayga.. have u seen that movie of anil kappor and meenakshi shishadri where they teach lesson to there MIL & SIL. You know sometimes it become necc to be rude to maintain your dignity. Other person will not cross his limits
We are working and tell me don't we build up a image in office that this girl will not tolerate any nonsense.. so we have to build similar image at inlaws place also.

It happens we DIL says nothings wrong to SIL and they interpret in something which doesn't exists at all. That is there basic mentality and we can't change them..

And yes some MIL & SIL are really good (can say really good human being) and that we can sense at the very first day of marriage..
Achay kay satth acha chaloo booray kay satth boora

And this bad image of ours will vanish in fews years when every thing get settle on his place. We will be busy in our children.. and they in there family and at the back of the mind we have created a image on them that we will not tolerate any nonsense.

If you agree with me than only I will tell u about how to handle ur husband and SIL politely.
Bye
JKR

2006-06-29

Name: SR
Subject:

??/

What soft of a FIL is this that lets daughter come over for a long period of time and to look after him? Does he not tell her that she should be in her saasural?

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