Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi,

I am so depressed...MIL is making my life hell.. now she is turning my hubby against me. Yesterday after the gym I popped in to see my Mum and had a bite to eat there.. My Mum is on the way to mine's from gym... so abt 10 mins drive.... anyway when I got home..MIL, FIL and husband started on me that why the hell did I not tell them that I had gone to my Mum's.
Is it necessary to inform them of my every move??????
My hubby does not want to move out.
He has now told me that I have to live with the rules his mum has made and I am free to go if I don't like that....
Was I unreasonable in not informing them of my every move???? honest replied. I too was warned by mil and sil that I have to obey their rules and so I started telling them, each and every thing, like even if I went to purchase panties and bra. HaHa. I even showed them what I brought. Neela replied. Hi dear SR,

I agree with Bhavana that it was not your mistake to go visit your parents. And also that it is important to get your hubby to your side. I think she has given very good advice.

Usually the mil knows that hubby will have more of an attraction for a younger woman especially the one her son makes love to! So she is quite insecure in your presence and actually is very scared that hubby will listen to everything you say!! To prevent this from happening, she is turning her whole family against you - by saying mean things about you, making you to be the bad person etc. So now what did you do? YOU ASKED TO MOVE OUT!!! You just proved to your in-laws and hubby that really you are trying to separate hubby from the family. You gave your mil more guns in her fight! Now your in-laws are going to be even more scared and they are going to give you more and more and more bad titles - and influence your hubby even more - See? They are so threatened they have to crush you and even at the cost of son's marriage, they may be willing to dominate you. (\";May\"; because not all in-laws are like this)

In many Indian families, the hubby treats the wife as guilty until she proves herself. This is very unfair and should not be the case. But are you strong enough to fight this now? Can you go and live alone if you have to divorce? If you think you can go live with parents by yourself and not feel later that maybe you could have been more flexible? Also, do you want to give the in-laws the satisfaction of knowing that they had the power to ruin your marriage? Becos believe me they will be thrilled that they have so much power over their son.

But I think even if you can, you should not until you try really hard to make your marriage work and still it fails. Of course, your hubby shouldn't say stupid things like \";if you don't follow mum's rules, you are free to go\"; - he is stupid dear SR. But don't hate him and think he is a criminal. He is doing what 99% of Indian guys do - they are so used to following their parents that they find it very, very difficult to stand up to them. It is a disease they have. Only you have to cure it and work really hard for it. And also, believe me, guys who are very attached to moms slowly transfer that to wife and become very attached to wives. Guys who don't have a good relationship with their family usually don't have it with their own little family also!

And you can only cure it with understanding, love and respect for him , not by shouting at him, getting angry at him, giving him a hard time - no, no, no, that will not work and also you know what happens? - the opposite of what you want! It drives them more to their parents!!!!

And remember you have something his parents don't have, that is why they are so jealous of you - YOUTH!! Yes, when your mil is 80 and changing bed pans you will be 55 and going on retirement vacation to Goa no? So this is a war that the in-laws cannot win - you are already the winner - so why fight and waste your energy with them? When all you have to do is enjoy yourself till they are old and they will themselves know that they have lost this war which they should not be fighting anyways?

Also your mil has something that you will never have - see, she brought him up. So she will always have his loyalty. You cannot blame him for being loyal. You want your children to be that way to you too don't you? But if she tries to exploit this loyalty by trying to dominate you, say bad things about you or trying to control your actions etc. then she is wrong and bad and she will definitely reap the harvest for this kind of enimity. She has to realize that her son needs his wife more than her as she is old and only getting older.

So now what you have to do is to grit your teeth and apologize to hubby - yes, I know, it is very insulting, very demeaning. Don't see ego with your hubby. Tell him (when he is in a good mood) -\";Dear, you are right, I am wrong, I should not be so adamant that we should move out. Your parents may be good people. I will try and change myself and will try to be a better wife.\"; - Bend (don't break) to achieve your purpose which is a happy marriage with respect for both parties.

So first thing, in this war of can you visit ur parents without letting them know- here is the compromise. Tell your husband that he is right, you should not go without telling anyone, but you would prefer to tell him and then have him tell his parents. If he asks why then tell him you prefer to tell him becos wife should always tell hubby everything and have no secrets from him. Tell him you know that he has your best interests at heart, that is why you married him because you know you can trust him to take care of you. Then tell him that you will 100% tell him everytime you go and follow it.

And then follow this - Bend for your hubby all the way. Do all he asks you to do for his parents. Tell him you think they are intrusive, they are mean but you trust him and will do it for him. When your mil is rude to you, tell him she was rude. He will as usual find some excuse / say that you did something to provoke her. Then ask him what you could have done. Then do what he tells you to do and then if they are still rude tell him that you did what he told you to do but they are still rude. At the same time, find other couples your age. Go out with them, make friends and then talk to them about your problems. As your husband talks to more people in his age group and sees how different people handle difficult people, he will change. As you bend more and more to his will, do things for him, keep him happy, don't see ego you know what will happen? - HE WILL TAKE YOUR SIDE AGAINST IN-LAWS. Believe me, this really happens. Try it and see. He may even suggest moving out himself if he sees his parents ill-treating you.

If after doing all this, then too they are rude / controlling and he does not side with you - then you should start giving ultimatums and asking to move out. Not before.

Becos you see bad people cannot win unless good people let them win. So don't fight your hubby. Then only he will see how mean his family is. Once he sees it don't expect that he will voice it out - if he is very mature, he will. If he is not, he may not. But in his heart he will know and that is all that matters. Becos once he knows, he will support you silently and you will win this war with love and affection and will also keep the family together. Try to help him realize that just like he tries to keep his family happy he also has to try to keep you happy by compromising, that he has to balance between both of you.

One last thing is tell him that if he takes good care of you, you will take good care of his parents when they are old. If he really cares for them, he will treat you well. Slowly that will become habit for him and soon he will realize that he actually cares for you a lot.

Hope this helps, Neela

Bhavna replied. It was not your mistake at all that you went to visit your parents,but nevertheless tell your in-laws next time you visit your parents.

As for your hubby do what he likes and try to get him on your side.This is very important.I know its tough but imp for your sake,once you get your hubby on your side he is sure to leave his parents.

Don't ever think your hubby does not know about ur problems with your mil,believe me he knows.Now its time to do everything your mil wants and do it in front of your hubby,take the initiative and try asking mil as to what help she wants etc.Do this in front of ur hubby and fil.

Try this for some time and slowly he'll realise that ur mil is simply creating issues for no fault of urs.

All the best.

Hope your probs get solved.