hi all...i need certain help on this change of behaviour in my kid.my kid will be 3 this march.initially we were in a joint family but last year we moved out of the house and shifted elsewhere.initially the kid had grandparents and his uncles iwth him in the family...the kid was also not going to school at that time.when we shifted he was put in a school .initially he took around 15 days or so to get adjusted with this new environment but soon he got adjusted and was very happy..infact when we used to leave for our office he used to come out abd say goodbye(both me and my husband are working)everything was going fine but suddenly there is achnge in his behaviour...he insists that he needs to stay with his grandparents and he puts it so hardly that he starts crying and gets so arrogant and stubborn.i tried explaining him that u play with them but when its sleeping time u come to ur parents as every kid sleeps with is parents...in thsi case his grandparents are also responsible till certain extent as they also keep telling him that u stay with us tell your parents that u will stay with us and will not go back.i cannot tell anything to my in laws as they take everything in a negative direction rather than respecting my mother instinct which does not allow me to be away from him in night they blame me for keeping the kid away from them.so it is very hard to explain them.pls tell me what shall i do..i am very disheartened and broken as of now....
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hi all...i need certain help on this change of behaviour in my kid.my kid will be 3 this march.initially we were in a joint family but last year we moved out of the house and shifted elsewhere.initially the kid had grandparents and his uncles iwth him in the family...the kid was also not going to school at that time.when we shifted he was put in a school .initially he took around 15 days or so to get adjusted with this new environment but soon he got adjusted and was very happy..infact when we used to leave for our office he used to come out abd say goodbye(both me and my husband are working)everything was going fine but suddenly there is achnge in his behaviour...he insists that he needs to stay with his grandparents and he puts it so hardly that he starts crying and gets so arrogant and stubborn.i tried explaining him that u play with them but when its sleeping time u come to ur parents as every kid sleeps with is parents...in thsi case his grandparents are also responsible till certain extent as they also keep telling him that u stay with us tell your parents that u will stay with us and will not go back.i cannot tell anything to my in laws as they take everything in a negative direction rather than respecting my mother instinct which does not allow me to be away from him in night they blame me for keeping the kid away from them.so it is very hard to explain them.pls tell me what shall i do..i am very disheartened and broken as of now....
friend replied. After reading your last message I felt there is additional thing that you need to take care of. This is about your son. And I felt it because I have seen it with my daughter too.
I think your kid is feeling lonely and hence longs for love and companionship. As you were living with in-laws earlier, the kid was used to be with lot of people in the house + love, care, attention. Now that he is alone/away, he wants people to come to his house & be with people.
My daughter used to behave the same, and would stick to any relative coming to our house and expect love from them. This had started when my MIL would go on 'holidays' for long durations - like months.
The problem got resolved by the way I said I spend with time the kid. My hubby also does the same. Many times, we 3 go out together early morning 7-8 am.
I have also asked the maid (who looks after the kid, MIL is just supervisor) to play with my kid in the afternoon for some time and reduced her house-work.
Kid has also started visiting nearby friends' houses, so she is busy all day.
We had always wanted 2 kids. Seeing my daughter longing for love, we are going for another one and i am expecting a baby in May! Daughter is excited about having an 'all time' friend in the house!!
My playing with the kid in mornings/evenings has helped so much - i cant tell you!
We stay in delhi and there was lot of fog this morning so I couldnt take her out. We played indoors with her toys, bat n ball, etc. This way I could also monitor cooking and the maid.
Then I sat with my daughter for reading newspaper. Showed her pics in the paper, this way I could also teach her things that I generally dont get time for! She enjoyed it too!!
Please solve the problem with your Kid else it will only grow more.
Regarding sharing my number/email, well, i dont know how to do that thru this site as I dont want to disclose it to anybody else. Let me know if u have any idea ;-)
friend
friend replied. I had a similar problem, though fortunately not so intense.
Having loving Grand parents is good, and kid should spend time with them. I only dont want my kid to hate/compare me. If this comparison stays, it will propogate as kid grows up and kid will remember it for life (live example of my hubby- mom was working and left kids with MIL. He says he loves Granny more than mother. He feels mother did not do justice to kids in terms of love, care and attention. I know how my MIL has struggled between touring-husband, job, 2 kids and a very old MIL who had Cancer).
I am also of the principle that I will never teach my kid a wrong thing - that her Granny is not good or anything that pollutes kid's mind towards her Granny.
But i have overcome the problem. This is what i tried \";if you want to show a line smaller, draw a bigger line infront of it\"; -
- I dont talk against Granny to kid. I always tell kid to love her Granny.
- I make sure to spend quality and qualtity time with my kid (and \";draw a bigger line\"; than my MIL).
I wake her up at 6:30 am and go out for a walk/park/around the house and make sure that kid REALLY enjoys it. I do similar things in evenings when i come home. On weekends, i take her out, buy her little things. No scolding, no nagging.
- I ask my kid what she likes in Granny and what she hates in me.
About what she likes in Granny - i try do the same. Example: not scolding her, not forcing her.
For what she hates in me - i talked to my kid about this by going at her level and tried to explain her why i scold.
Then I almost \";negotiated\"; it with her - I made her believe that there are some things necessary. And if you dont do them, you tell me what should i do?
Example: This is what my daughter told me!!! -- I dont like milk. Mommy forces me to drink and if I dont, Mommy scolds me. (Granny gives her milk in evening. If she refuses, either leaves it!)
It took me one week to do these things - make my kid understand what is Calcium, why it is important, and what are its sources and how milk is best. I asked my hubby to help in this without telling him the objective behind.
Made her understand that how it is mommy's job to take care of kid and not Granny's (i gave examples of her friends' mommies and asked kid who feeds them food and milk. I have taught her from begining that God gave you to me when u were a baby, and asked papa & me to take care of you. If i dont do my job, God punishes me. When sometimes I get physically hurt or get burns while cooking, and my kid asks me about it, i say God gave me punishment because i did not give u enough calcium/milk yesterday! If she gets hurt while playing I say God punished you because you dont listen to mommy about milk which is imp for your bones.
Then I asked her what shd i do if u dont listen to me + if u dont like scolding, she said just ask me pyaar-se and i will do it. But she forgot it after 2-3 instances. Then when something like that happened again, I reminded her about her promise and asked if i shd start scolding. She refused and now remembers it, and listens to me too. Sometimes when she doesnt, i request her with 'please' word and remind her again.).
- Reduce exposure with in-laws. Keep it as much as required (remember, good Grand Parents are necessary for kids)
My kid goes to school from 9-12, sleeps 3-5 because of waking up early and goes to park in evening with Granny. Thus, her time spent with MIL is comparatively less.
- Prioritize, sacrifice.
It was not easy. I had to sacrifice things. I prioritized. I have almost stopped going to parlours. I have reduced going to relatives/friends and inviting them on weekdays. One time cooking is given to maid so that I can spend time with kid.
- This one is for you. When kid insists on going to in-laws, dont deny directly. Try doing these: 1. Let the kid go if there is no problem. 2. If there is a problem (time for school), say lets go in the evening/weekend and then keep your words. Tell kid good things about school and why it is imp to go to school. Make sure the kid likes the school (draw bigger line- school's 'line' should also be big enough!) 3. Make sure kid enjoys the day when you are not at home in afternoon. Arrange so that kid is busy in day and evenings. When the kid is too insistent, tell him you will take him out/buy something in evening and keep your words.
Hope this helps. This forum is for helping each other. So please keep in touch and let us know how your problem is solving.
friend
sonu replied. Hi,
In joint family its common thats kids are attached to grandparents as they are always pampering them.Its nice to say that atleast ur inlaws loves ur kid...Many cases are there where grandparents dont even hug or touch to their grandkids.what do u expect my dear friend that they shud dump their feelind towards ur baby...
There is a saying in hindi that \"; Asal se sood pyara\";..that means interest is more sweeter than actual amount. Thats y grandkids are more loved by grandparents...
try to take it a easier issue...Dont think negative of this..Try to think in wiser mind..
Ur baby is attached to his grandparents so he is remembering them n missing them thats it.try to take him to them in weekend or tell him u will take him to them in holidays...
Nothing wrong in it my dear..u r lucky instead..
take care
sonu
2006-02-16
#1
Name: friend Subject: RE:RE: My Baby
After reading your last message I felt there is additional thing that you need to take care of. This is about your son. And I felt it because I have seen it with my daughter too.
I think your kid is feeling lonely and hence longs for love and companionship. As you were living with in-laws earlier, the kid was used to be with lot of people in the house + love, care, attention. Now that he is alone/away, he wants people to come to his house & be with people.
My daughter used to behave the same, and would stick to any relative coming to our house and expect love from them. This had started when my MIL would go on 'holidays' for long durations - like months.
The problem got resolved by the way I said I spend with time the kid. My hubby also does the same. Many times, we 3 go out together early morning 7-8 am.
I have also asked the maid (who looks after the kid, MIL is just supervisor) to play with my kid in the afternoon for some time and reduced her house-work.
Kid has also started visiting nearby friends' houses, so she is busy all day.
We had always wanted 2 kids. Seeing my daughter longing for love, we are going for another one and i am expecting a baby in May! Daughter is excited about having an 'all time' friend in the house!!
My playing with the kid in mornings/evenings has helped so much - i cant tell you!
We stay in delhi and there was lot of fog this morning so I couldnt take her out. We played indoors with her toys, bat n ball, etc. This way I could also monitor cooking and the maid.
Then I sat with my daughter for reading newspaper. Showed her pics in the paper, this way I could also teach her things that I generally dont get time for! She enjoyed it too!!
Please solve the problem with your Kid else it will only grow more.
Regarding sharing my number/email, well, i dont know how to do that thru this site as I dont want to disclose it to anybody else. Let me know if u have any idea ;-)
friend
2006-02-20
#2
Name: my baby Subject: RE:mail id for further talks
sorr the mail id that i had given u earlier seems to have some problem.u can take my personal mail id for taking teh discussion further ahead.it is india_mahika@yahoo dot com...it would be really nice if u could reply me on this id and we can discuss our problems there
2006-02-19
#3
Name: my baby Subject: RE::
thanx a lot for all ur help.i would really like to talk to you....ya i do have an idea can u mail me u number at baby_beginning@yahoo.co.in
this is my id that i have kept specially for this purpose..i can understand ur problem of not sharing the number here..only for this reason did i ue ch generic names...if at all u can mail me there i can get in touch with you........
2006-02-15
#4
Name: friend Subject: RE: My Baby
I had a similar problem, though fortunately not so intense.
Having loving Grand parents is good, and kid should spend time with them. I only dont want my kid to hate/compare me. If this comparison stays, it will propogate as kid grows up and kid will remember it for life (live example of my hubby- mom was working and left kids with MIL. He says he loves Granny more than mother. He feels mother did not do justice to kids in terms of love, care and attention. I know how my MIL has struggled between touring-husband, job, 2 kids and a very old MIL who had Cancer).
I am also of the principle that I will never teach my kid a wrong thing - that her Granny is not good or anything that pollutes kid's mind towards her Granny.
But i have overcome the problem. This is what i tried \";if you want to show a line smaller, draw a bigger line infront of it\"; -
- I dont talk against Granny to kid. I always tell kid to love her Granny.
- I make sure to spend quality and qualtity time with my kid (and \";draw a bigger line\"; than my MIL).
I wake her up at 6:30 am and go out for a walk/park/around the house and make sure that kid REALLY enjoys it. I do similar things in evenings when i come home. On weekends, i take her out, buy her little things. No scolding, no nagging.
- I ask my kid what she likes in Granny and what she hates in me.
About what she likes in Granny - i try do the same. Example: not scolding her, not forcing her.
For what she hates in me - i talked to my kid about this by going at her level and tried to explain her why i scold.
Then I almost \";negotiated\"; it with her - I made her believe that there are some things necessary. And if you dont do them, you tell me what should i do?
Example: This is what my daughter told me!!! -- I dont like milk. Mommy forces me to drink and if I dont, Mommy scolds me. (Granny gives her milk in evening. If she refuses, either leaves it!)
It took me one week to do these things - make my kid understand what is Calcium, why it is important, and what are its sources and how milk is best. I asked my hubby to help in this without telling him the objective behind.
Made her understand that how it is mommy's job to take care of kid and not Granny's (i gave examples of her friends' mommies and asked kid who feeds them food and milk. I have taught her from begining that God gave you to me when u were a baby, and asked papa & me to take care of you. If i dont do my job, God punishes me. When sometimes I get physically hurt or get burns while cooking, and my kid asks me about it, i say God gave me punishment because i did not give u enough calcium/milk yesterday! If she gets hurt while playing I say God punished you because you dont listen to mommy about milk which is imp for your bones.
Then I asked her what shd i do if u dont listen to me + if u dont like scolding, she said just ask me pyaar-se and i will do it. But she forgot it after 2-3 instances. Then when something like that happened again, I reminded her about her promise and asked if i shd start scolding. She refused and now remembers it, and listens to me too. Sometimes when she doesnt, i request her with 'please' word and remind her again.).
- Reduce exposure with in-laws. Keep it as much as required (remember, good Grand Parents are necessary for kids)
My kid goes to school from 9-12, sleeps 3-5 because of waking up early and goes to park in evening with Granny. Thus, her time spent with MIL is comparatively less.
- Prioritize, sacrifice.
It was not easy. I had to sacrifice things. I prioritized. I have almost stopped going to parlours. I have reduced going to relatives/friends and inviting them on weekdays. One time cooking is given to maid so that I can spend time with kid.
- This one is for you. When kid insists on going to in-laws, dont deny directly. Try doing these: 1. Let the kid go if there is no problem. 2. If there is a problem (time for school), say lets go in the evening/weekend and then keep your words. Tell kid good things about school and why it is imp to go to school. Make sure the kid likes the school (draw bigger line- school's 'line' should also be big enough!) 3. Make sure kid enjoys the day when you are not at home in afternoon. Arrange so that kid is busy in day and evenings. When the kid is too insistent, tell him you will take him out/buy something in evening and keep your words.
Hope this helps. This forum is for helping each other. So please keep in touch and let us know how your problem is solving.
friend
2006-02-15
#5
Name: my baby Subject: RE: My Baby
thanks a ton my dear friend....it was really nice to see ur concern...infact to be very true i am also not of the kinds who believes in telling wrong things to the child about his grandparents as i personally feel that by doing so it embibes negative thoughts in the child and that hampers his growth....but yes my concern is the same that child should not compare me with his grandma...infact it is not only for his paternal grandparents but the same goes with maternal ones also.....liike for instance yeasterday hsi masi had come over for 5 minutes to meet him and after she left he was insisting that he needs to go to her and stay with her as he misses her a lot..it is thsi case with his nani and daadi....what i want is that he should understand that we go to them on weekends but no when we go he should meet them and come back with his parents and not start insisting that he needs tos aty there .....actually i agree that this can be done only when i get support from grandparents also on this ..they should also understand that he has to come back as he cannot miss his school....but irony is that they feel the school is not like college that he cannot miss it....so i really do not know what to do and so he likes staying there as they support him in this......listen if u do not mind can i have ur number so that we can talk to each other over the phone and i can have ur opinion..if thats possible pls do let me know
2006-02-14
#6
Name: sonu Subject: Hi
Hi,
In joint family its common thats kids are attached to grandparents as they are always pampering them.Its nice to say that atleast ur inlaws loves ur kid...Many cases are there where grandparents dont even hug or touch to their grandkids.what do u expect my dear friend that they shud dump their feelind towards ur baby...
There is a saying in hindi that \"; Asal se sood pyara\";..that means interest is more sweeter than actual amount. Thats y grandkids are more loved by grandparents...
try to take it a easier issue...Dont think negative of this..Try to think in wiser mind..
Ur baby is attached to his grandparents so he is remembering them n missing them thats it.try to take him to them in weekend or tell him u will take him to them in holidays...
Nothing wrong in it my dear..u r lucky instead..
take care
sonu
2006-02-14
#7
Name: my baby Subject: re:need ur help urgently
hi.thanx 4 the response..but i guess i have not been able to make u understand what my problem is.its not that i keep him away from them..no every saturday we go to them and sunday night we come back.every weekend i make it a point that he meets them and even when we are there i see to it that he is with them maximum of the time..its only while sleeping in night that i expect that my baby should be with me and i have told them this ..not once but many times i habve asked them to keep the child entireday but only while sleeping i need him u call it my mother instinct.
see if the baby insists that he will not come back from his grandparents house then its cause for concern as after all i cannot afford to miss his school everyday....and moreover it is not practicall to leave him there and we elsewhere.
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I feel that my husbands parents are using their son. My husband is from India and I am from the USA. He obtained his greencard and citizenship through me after coming here. He is a physician and obtained his residency training. I worked to earn for our family for two years until he got his job. Then he applied for his parents to visit us on a visiting visa. We were both wo... - Tina Shah [View Message]
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RE:Jadu on food?
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RE:Mother-in-law spoiling my child
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RE:RE: My Baby
Name: my baby
RE:mail id for further talks
RE: My Baby
Hi
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