Hi..i just got married six months back and came to US.My husband says that he feels real lucky to have me and i am the perfect wife for him.
My in laws are fine but not sensitive towards my feelings.My husband says that they love me a lot.He also accepts that my mil at times may hurt my feelings by saying any bad things but i should not take them to my heart.He beleives strictly that whatever his parents say i shd not feel bad as they are elders .I agree and have been a very good dil as i ignore comments by my mil at times.My in laws are also happy with me.The problem is i feel bad when anything they say is insensitive cos i feel when they love me so much why they can't care abt what they talk to me.
My husband calls them every weekend and want me to talk to them too.If i say that i want to maintain a distance and call them every 15 days or so my husband gets mad at me.He says no matter what i shd talk to them every weekend as they have asked him to call them like that.
My husband starts fighting with me so badly for this and will start hitting himself too as he thinks his parents may get hurt if i dont talk to them every week.My husband tells me that the only thing which i do matters for him is talking to his parents.He dont want anything else from me.He says that he has only one expectation from his wife which i have problems in fulfilling.
At times i think that whatever i do to my husband just doesn't count.In initial days of marriage he been very indifferent and rude which he realises now and accepts that i have saved our marriage.
But i feel so worthless as a wife from whom the only thing her husband wants is talking to his parents every week.The moment i talk to them he becomes very happy and tells me that he loves me so much and the moment i say no to talking he starts fighting like mad and saying all things to me.
My being good or bad wife just depends on a phone call.I know it sounds crazy of me but thats how my life has been.
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Hi..i just got married six months back and came to US.My husband says that he feels real lucky to have me and i am the perfect wife for him.
My in laws are fine but not sensitive towards my feelings.My husband says that they love me a lot.He also accepts that my mil at times may hurt my feelings by saying any bad things but i should not take them to my heart.He beleives strictly that whatever his parents say i shd not feel bad as they are elders .I agree and have been a very good dil as i ignore comments by my mil at times.My in laws are also happy with me.The problem is i feel bad when anything they say is insensitive cos i feel when they love me so much why they can't care abt what they talk to me.
My husband calls them every weekend and want me to talk to them too.If i say that i want to maintain a distance and call them every 15 days or so my husband gets mad at me.He says no matter what i shd talk to them every weekend as they have asked him to call them like that.
My husband starts fighting with me so badly for this and will start hitting himself too as he thinks his parents may get hurt if i dont talk to them every week.My husband tells me that the only thing which i do matters for him is talking to his parents.He dont want anything else from me.He says that he has only one expectation from his wife which i have problems in fulfilling.
At times i think that whatever i do to my husband just doesn't count.In initial days of marriage he been very indifferent and rude which he realises now and accepts that i have saved our marriage.
But i feel so worthless as a wife from whom the only thing her husband wants is talking to his parents every week.The moment i talk to them he becomes very happy and tells me that he loves me so much and the moment i say no to talking he starts fighting like mad and saying all things to me.
My being good or bad wife just depends on a phone call.I know it sounds crazy of me but thats how my life has been.
swati replied. the best part is they dont live with u and hopefully not planning to in the future. there r inlwas like mine who expect to talk to their bahu everyday. i talk on weekends but my hubby talks everyday at work with my SIL/MIL/FIL. i have no idea what they talk abt at all. only on weekends i talk to them. and they know every little detail of my house since my hubby tells them everything. they r very curious/interfering. they ask my hubby abt everything from our weekend plans/freinds and what happens in the house and then repeat it all for me on the weeknd to let me know that their son tells them everything. my inlaws would even call their damad/son in law on a daily basis at work 2 talk to him cos of time difference. We live in US and inlaws in middle east.
i have started asking my hubby abt their well being during weekdays so i look good and i never say negative abt them. they even plan to move in with us which i hate. u r so lucky. and i tell u once a week is nothing. make your hubby happy. ask for suggestions etc and talk when your hubby is around and be sweet no matter what. put them on speaker if shes rude but u dont answer back at all. and if mil's rude and your hubby thinks so - still dont say anything bad abt MIL to hubby. Tell him maybe u were wrong and thats why MIL was rude- use emotional blackmailing. dont share 2 much info abt your lives with inlaws- so they dont start to interfere. keep it short. even if they give u silly advice - listen and ignore - your hubby doesnt know what she said 2 u. if u like it - atleast give it a try. cos she/MIL mite double chek with hubby if u follow MIL's advice or not. and let them talk infront of u instead of behind u. slowly, if your hubby forgets 2 call on a saturday, remind him. get rid of your ego. i tell u again u sure r lucky.
mitra replied. Elders in the age of our in-laws pass through a tough situation. They feel insecure, emotionally weaker, fear losing the partner and 'who will love me after that', lose strength that they had when they were young, start having physical ailments, etc etc.
Imagine you are passing through all this.
Hang on - add some spice to it. Imagine that you have sufferred a lot when you were married with your inlaws, and managed the family with hardships.
Also add a huge amount of Ego to it.
Now put yourself in their place.
It is not surprising the way in-laws behave with son after marriage - and take out the entire LIFE's WRATH on the DIL.
This is WRONG. but let's face the truth for a while.
The main problem i see here is EGO.
With them .... and with you too. Yes.
I dont say you are wrong.
You are right.
But i feel there is no harm in doing what your hubby says. There is no harm in letting your ego go, be down to earth, and speak to in-laws on phone everytime he calls them.
Sit and Think - what is stopping you from talking to them? Their inappropriate comments? They are kids, you are mature. Ignore it, forgive it. Kids fight like you \";you said this to me, i wont talk to you\";.
I think their comments are hurting your self-esteem. Why not try once by letting your self-esteem at bay? You are not losing anything ... ?
There also is nothing wrong in saying SORRY to elders - for the mistake you have not done but you are blamed for it.
Try this - start talking to MIL on phone. In fact, try to satisfy her ego. Start asking her suggestions in cokking/managing house/anything else. Sometimes do what she suggested, and then tell your hubby how her suggestion helped you! Tell MIL how great her suggestion was. Do this a few times. Hubby happy, MIL happy.
MIL will now start suggesting you more - even if you dont need it. Say yes and accept. No one is seeing if you are actually implementing or not.
After that, implement one of the suggestions that you know would fail (you are in US, so all suggestions might not always work). Tell hubby that how your MIL really tried to help you but it failed. This way he will know that you are doing what you should do - and that mother is not always right. This way - keep the balance. Be tricky and smart.
Be pro-active. Call them before your hubby does/says for their bdays and anniversay.
You are lucky. Your inlaws are not with you. It should be easier to manage in this case. Remember - you wont win your hubby by directly opposing inlaws. You will have to be smart. And winning hubby is v v important.
My MIL stays with us. She is intelligent, was a working person. My above tricks worked for a while but not anymore. I left them while she started balming my up-bringing and my parents for things that she feels i dint do right, plus when she started blaming only me for the same mistake done by her son and me (example - hubby and i went out some place, returned very late. She blamed me so much that i dont have manners to inform her we are getting late, but dint say a word to her son who carries the cellphone and i dont).
But no harm in trying once if it settles things for you.
At least - down the line - you will not have regrets that you dint try to set things from your side. You will feel good, and not feel responsible for the spoiled relationships, if not anything else.
Right?
Dimple replied. Hi Divya,
I too got married 6 months back. My hubby also feels very happy when I call and talk to his parents even though he knows I don't like them because of their greedy, cheap actions during my wedding.
Talk to ur in-laws and ask about their well-being only. Don't engage in lengthy chats.
Try taking a part time job or a course so u can have something fun to do instead of thinking about the in-laws. In my case, I only talk to my in-laws when my hubby is around.
Take care & keep me posted!
Tony replied. Hi Divya,
It is understandable what u feel. But what exactly do u mean by saying that they r insensitive. Pl. give an example. And if just by talking to thm over the phone makes your husband feel happy then why not do it ? U can talk about the weather how life in US is etc. about any friends u made, your own activities etc. u can even hook them to the Internet and share nice info etc. talk everything outside the usual controversial matters like family gossip etc. ask for a recipe which your husband likes etc. if your FIL is fond of reading u can take interest in that.this way u can win your husbands heart all the more. also they will feel good. but keep it at that .do not overdo. decide beforehand what u r going to talk etc. all the best
2005-12-05
#1
Name: swati Subject: not 2 worry
the best part is they dont live with u and hopefully not planning to in the future. there r inlwas like mine who expect to talk to their bahu everyday. i talk on weekends but my hubby talks everyday at work with my SIL/MIL/FIL. i have no idea what they talk abt at all. only on weekends i talk to them. and they know every little detail of my house since my hubby tells them everything. they r very curious/interfering. they ask my hubby abt everything from our weekend plans/freinds and what happens in the house and then repeat it all for me on the weeknd to let me know that their son tells them everything. my inlaws would even call their damad/son in law on a daily basis at work 2 talk to him cos of time difference. We live in US and inlaws in middle east.
i have started asking my hubby abt their well being during weekdays so i look good and i never say negative abt them. they even plan to move in with us which i hate. u r so lucky. and i tell u once a week is nothing. make your hubby happy. ask for suggestions etc and talk when your hubby is around and be sweet no matter what. put them on speaker if shes rude but u dont answer back at all. and if mil's rude and your hubby thinks so - still dont say anything bad abt MIL to hubby. Tell him maybe u were wrong and thats why MIL was rude- use emotional blackmailing. dont share 2 much info abt your lives with inlaws- so they dont start to interfere. keep it short. even if they give u silly advice - listen and ignore - your hubby doesnt know what she said 2 u. if u like it - atleast give it a try. cos she/MIL mite double chek with hubby if u follow MIL's advice or not. and let them talk infront of u instead of behind u. slowly, if your hubby forgets 2 call on a saturday, remind him. get rid of your ego. i tell u again u sure r lucky.
2005-12-04
#2
Name: mitra Subject: try this - leave your ego
Elders in the age of our in-laws pass through a tough situation. They feel insecure, emotionally weaker, fear losing the partner and 'who will love me after that', lose strength that they had when they were young, start having physical ailments, etc etc.
Imagine you are passing through all this.
Hang on - add some spice to it. Imagine that you have sufferred a lot when you were married with your inlaws, and managed the family with hardships.
Also add a huge amount of Ego to it.
Now put yourself in their place.
It is not surprising the way in-laws behave with son after marriage - and take out the entire LIFE's WRATH on the DIL.
This is WRONG. but let's face the truth for a while.
The main problem i see here is EGO.
With them .... and with you too. Yes.
I dont say you are wrong.
You are right.
But i feel there is no harm in doing what your hubby says. There is no harm in letting your ego go, be down to earth, and speak to in-laws on phone everytime he calls them.
Sit and Think - what is stopping you from talking to them? Their inappropriate comments? They are kids, you are mature. Ignore it, forgive it. Kids fight like you \";you said this to me, i wont talk to you\";.
I think their comments are hurting your self-esteem. Why not try once by letting your self-esteem at bay? You are not losing anything ... ?
There also is nothing wrong in saying SORRY to elders - for the mistake you have not done but you are blamed for it.
Try this - start talking to MIL on phone. In fact, try to satisfy her ego. Start asking her suggestions in cokking/managing house/anything else. Sometimes do what she suggested, and then tell your hubby how her suggestion helped you! Tell MIL how great her suggestion was. Do this a few times. Hubby happy, MIL happy.
MIL will now start suggesting you more - even if you dont need it. Say yes and accept. No one is seeing if you are actually implementing or not.
After that, implement one of the suggestions that you know would fail (you are in US, so all suggestions might not always work). Tell hubby that how your MIL really tried to help you but it failed. This way he will know that you are doing what you should do - and that mother is not always right. This way - keep the balance. Be tricky and smart.
Be pro-active. Call them before your hubby does/says for their bdays and anniversay.
You are lucky. Your inlaws are not with you. It should be easier to manage in this case. Remember - you wont win your hubby by directly opposing inlaws. You will have to be smart. And winning hubby is v v important.
My MIL stays with us. She is intelligent, was a working person. My above tricks worked for a while but not anymore. I left them while she started balming my up-bringing and my parents for things that she feels i dint do right, plus when she started blaming only me for the same mistake done by her son and me (example - hubby and i went out some place, returned very late. She blamed me so much that i dont have manners to inform her we are getting late, but dint say a word to her son who carries the cellphone and i dont).
But no harm in trying once if it settles things for you.
At least - down the line - you will not have regrets that you dint try to set things from your side. You will feel good, and not feel responsible for the spoiled relationships, if not anything else.
Right?
2005-12-02
#3
Name: Dimple Subject: hmm..
Hi Divya,
I too got married 6 months back. My hubby also feels very happy when I call and talk to his parents even though he knows I don't like them because of their greedy, cheap actions during my wedding.
Talk to ur in-laws and ask about their well-being only. Don't engage in lengthy chats.
Try taking a part time job or a course so u can have something fun to do instead of thinking about the in-laws. In my case, I only talk to my in-laws when my hubby is around.
Take care & keep me posted!
2005-12-01
#4
Name: Tony Subject: inlaws
Hi Divya,
It is understandable what u feel. But what exactly do u mean by saying that they r insensitive. Pl. give an example. And if just by talking to thm over the phone makes your husband feel happy then why not do it ? U can talk about the weather how life in US is etc. about any friends u made, your own activities etc. u can even hook them to the Internet and share nice info etc. talk everything outside the usual controversial matters like family gossip etc. ask for a recipe which your husband likes etc. if your FIL is fond of reading u can take interest in that.this way u can win your husbands heart all the more. also they will feel good. but keep it at that .do not overdo. decide beforehand what u r going to talk etc. all the best
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