Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

hi friends,
i feel so much better to step into this site to know that i find many people who are sailing in the same boat as i do. now my problem. my mil is the supreme authority in their house. my fil is dummy. he just nods to everything she says. my fil has gone to the extent of talking abt only her side of people. though his house is 30 min driveable distance from her house, he stays with her when ever they go to native. they just visit his place for few hours. when ever me the dil go also the same things happen. she says they don't have enough facilities for all ofus to stay. i wonder what my mil's brothers would be thinking abt this hen pegged fil who is always listening to her and living at her house. i get so irritated to listen to the way she behaves and talks abt fil's side people. for her and my fil only mil side people are good and worthyof talking. so living with such a mil for some time for a dil can be hell too, like mine. mil thinks she is from a very rich ffamily and often belittles my parents. where as the truth is she spends a lot on cloths and jewellery and squanders all fil money. they don't have a penny saving though he was working in a decent job. no own house also. they wanted my husband to buy them a mega house. he being an obedient son took loans and bought a house for them. they did some great interior decorations and did a great house warming. didn't even bother to wait for us to see the house or wait for our convenience to do the house warming. we live in UK in a very small house rented. they didn't bother any of that. i went to india for some time alone and stayed with ils for some days. she was acting like its her own house and ordering my parents and me don't do that this etc. she acts as though only she knows everything. and we all are fools.
another episode is when they came to UK for my child birth. i being an obedient dil then invited them to come to UK as they didn't get a chance to see UK before. it was a horrible period for me. she did do cooking etc, but always made taunting comments. she wanted me to get up early in the morning and cook, which ofcourse i didn't do. i had this small baby who woke up many times at night and didn't have proper sleep. by the time i get up she would have done most of the cooking and would keep a long face towards me. fil wil join her in all her activities. she came to take care of me after delivery then how can she expect that i should get up early and cook for her. other thing is i had trouble breastfeeding, she didn't encourage me support me and always gave a cold shoulder abt that. due to intense pain i started to pump a week after my baby's birth and it eased my pain of nursing, but it was more tiring to pump. she would always say why don't u pump and feed. after my doctor visit i was telling all these difficulties to doctor and she adviced me to feed him from the breast as pumping full time can be hard on my health. i told this this to my ils and they started blaming me that its me who made him into that habbit. where as the truth is she would jump into my room when i'm trying to nurse and ask if he is drinking. some times my baby used to cry. then she would say he doesn't like to drink from you. also my fil would say why do u bother how he drinks, let him drink from bottle if he prefres etc. also i wanted my baby to breast feed for one year. she was against this. she was constantly telling before going to india( i had plans to go to india when they returned) i should anyway stop breast feeding. coz its dirty to feed in air plane. once i was telling smthing to my husband abt my breastfeeding not working, she over heard and started telling only people from my place breast feed in public and not the people in her place.
when she was in UK, she often made comments abt what i wear. i didn't have proper nursing dresses and also i couldn't go out and buy. my husband got me some nursing gowns and it was above my ankles, she doesn't want me to wear that in my fils presence. some times if my milk leaked i was getting tired and weak pumping 24/7 and feedin the baby and takin care of him she would say its dirty aand i should go change.
then as soon as the baby become 2 month old they began going to places. my husband would take them to plaes and i was staying all alone at home. some times i did go to some purchases leavbing the baby withthem. for that they were taling to a relative that parents there leave their babies and go out from the second day. my husbad took them to all the places and more that we ever have gone here and still they say they didn't see this that etc.
i still have a lot to write abt them. but i'm getting tired thinking abt all those. my brother too stays overseas and my parents didn't come here. she would ask when is your brother bringing your parents and would give a dirty smile. i think coz' of her show off attitude my husband has a lot of problems always, career wise. we are not at all settled. now my brother is doing very well in his life and my parents came here and went to a lot of places and enjoyed. now my mil is showing melodramas to me and my paents. like crying etc that i don't talk to her etc. making me appear as a bad person. my husband supports his parents in everying they say do... Dipali replied. I am really sorry to hear about MIL's problem, as I also go thru this problem, if you are in UK we can talk sometime. I am in London but originally from Bombay. N replied. Dear Saripra,

I totally understand what you are saying, my MIL is just like yours, she hates her own in-laws and my FIL is such a major fool he doesn't even realise what type of a evil cow she really is.

I have now been married for 2 and a half years, all my immediate family and my in-laws immediate family are in the UK, our parents came to the UK in the early 60's from Gujarat hence my husband and I were born here.

I can't stand my MIL and she is slowly losing power over my husband. I am so lucky that I have a wonderful husband who can see straight though his mum and what she is doing without me saying a word. We love each other very much, infact his parents have never really shown any affection towards him, so why should I expect them to show me any love??

My parents and family are great, I have a great relationship with them and so does my husband, which my MIL can't stand, they she fills my MIL and BIL (younger then my husband by 1 yr) eyes with lies.

I could tell you some real horror stories about her, for instance when we got married she made me to wrap my own presents!!!, she could not even bare to watch our wedding or congratulate us!

My MIL is finding life quite difficult with me now, we don't live with them, we are in London and they are in the Midlands about 100 miles away. I am quite highly educated I lived away from home to go to university, and I have a MSc, my husband is an Accountant, and we are both separately financially very secure. We both have very stressful but powerful jobs, hence I deal with difficult people everyday.

Shall I tell you, when we and my husband got together (part love part arrange marriage) my dad said I will only give you my daughter if you promise to protect her, love her and look after her, if you can't provide for her financially, no problem she is educated enough to fend for herself, but remember love is always more important in a marriage.

My dad and mum also said, if you can't keep this promise then we will come and take her as fast as we have given you her. My parents were not making threats, they explained to my husband that the days of the girls family bowing to the boys has gone, and this attitude is not accepted in the UK.

Do you know what my husband said? he said he was proud to be marry a women who came from such a loving family

Don't get me wrong I do get hurt by my in-laws attitude and I do cry a lot, BUT never in front of them, I always keep my emotions until I get back to my own house, I never shout at my husband, I calmly explain that when we have children and if we had a girl how would you feel if she cried to her dad about some people called her in-laws treat her badly

From that instant my husband understood all my emotions without me ever saying anything and he also respected my dad and mums comments.

Yes me and my husband do have our ups and downs, who doesn't, but we never have really bad arguments bcos we communicate quite well, and I like to talk things through instead of raise my voice.

If you are in the UK, it would be great to meet up, pls let me try and offer my support to you, its not easy for us, and my e-mail may sound as if I'm ok, but trust me my in-laws have tried to cut me up inside too, but I just keep standing up for myself and with my husband by myside nothing could ever harm me
qw replied. My in-laws are also like yours. My FIL spends more time with people from my MILS's side than from his. And these people don't even respect him much. (I guess bcos my MIL does not respect him, so her side of family too has the same behavior towards him). My MIL is such a hypocrite. She hasn't kept any relations with her \";sasural\"; people. But she does not like my husband to spend any time with people from my side of the family and what is more infuriating is that she does not even like me spending enough time with my parents when we visit India.

Let your husband know about your MILs behavior in a nice way. Explain things to him. Don't fight with him.

If you are planning to have another kid, make sure you don't call your MIL during your pregnancy. Most MILs don't come to help their bahus during pregnancy, but they just come cos they want to see their grandchild, enjoy the naming ceremony function etc. They expect their bahu to do all the work at the time when she needs to take rest the most. And they go on telling you the rest of your lives as to how they came for you help when you were pregnant etc. Let her be mad at you if you don't cook early in the morning. Show her that you don't care if she is mad or sad. Why did she offer to help if she didn't want to?

Sometimes if you are really tired and depressed you don't even pay attention to your looks, what are wearing etc. Moreover you have not done anything wrong by wearing gowns that are above your ankle. It not that you were wearing any micro-mini vulgar dresses in front of your FIL.

Same goes with breat feeding. Some women may find it comfortable feeding the baby in public places, some may not. If you do feed your baby in the flight its none of your MIL's business.

I just want to tell you all these things cos you have not done anything wrong. Don't feel guilty about the things you did. Your MIL will want you to feel guilty and be ashamed at the way you behaved. DON'T.

Your MIL will try to create a bad impression about you in other peoples mind. Don't worry. Just try to make your husband understand. That is all that matters.

And if your MIL wants to cry and create a scene, let her do it. Ignore her, she will soon realise that her strategy is not working.

Don't be submissive. Don't be afraid of her. Its your life. Live it the way you want.