Hi all. I am wokring and am earning a good salary, may be a 2 digits more than my husband.
Both my parents and in laws are from a middle calss background. My in laws are retired and have a pension which is sufficent for them. My father is a buisiness man and works his way through.
Recently, my sister fot widowed. She has 3 kids. Initially my husband was very sympathetic and encouraged me tpo help too. But recently my in laws have started to live with us, and they have convinced him that I am not justified to help her, beacuse our unit after marriage is with my in laws, not from my side.
INitially my husband used to ignore them, but one day when I suggested we adopt one of her kids, he blew out. Even at the mention of helping he threatens me for a divorce. I ahd suggested thsi beacuse we alrady have a daughter and since we are both busy with our carrers and do not ahve time to deal with a small kid, we can adopt an older who can aslo be company for our daughter.
Since then I am afraid to approach the topic. Whenever I have tried, we ahve eneded up in fight. He will theraten to tell my aprents. My parents are of teh scholl of thought that \";daughters are paraya dhan\"; so will not tolerate me ending up divorce for such an issue.
Apart from this one issue he is very good and caring. he also unsderstands my need for career. But I feel he thinks he is caring for my career because of the money it fetches. Because otherwise, I am not a spend thrift. We have investements. I contribute more than 50% to our house hold. The rest he wants to monitor and save.
I also want to save for rainy day, but I feel I can help my sister, because even the amount we spend on weekend could help her a lot. His logic is sicn ewe are bright, and work hard for it we deserve every panny of it....
Please help resolving the dilemma
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Hi all. I am wokring and am earning a good salary, may be a 2 digits more than my husband.
Both my parents and in laws are from a middle calss background. My in laws are retired and have a pension which is sufficent for them. My father is a buisiness man and works his way through.
Recently, my sister fot widowed. She has 3 kids. Initially my husband was very sympathetic and encouraged me tpo help too. But recently my in laws have started to live with us, and they have convinced him that I am not justified to help her, beacuse our unit after marriage is with my in laws, not from my side.
INitially my husband used to ignore them, but one day when I suggested we adopt one of her kids, he blew out. Even at the mention of helping he threatens me for a divorce. I ahd suggested thsi beacuse we alrady have a daughter and since we are both busy with our carrers and do not ahve time to deal with a small kid, we can adopt an older who can aslo be company for our daughter.
Since then I am afraid to approach the topic. Whenever I have tried, we ahve eneded up in fight. He will theraten to tell my aprents. My parents are of teh scholl of thought that \";daughters are paraya dhan\"; so will not tolerate me ending up divorce for such an issue.
Apart from this one issue he is very good and caring. he also unsderstands my need for career. But I feel he thinks he is caring for my career because of the money it fetches. Because otherwise, I am not a spend thrift. We have investements. I contribute more than 50% to our house hold. The rest he wants to monitor and save.
I also want to save for rainy day, but I feel I can help my sister, because even the amount we spend on weekend could help her a lot. His logic is sicn ewe are bright, and work hard for it we deserve every panny of it....
Please help resolving the dilemma
gauri replied. Hey there,
I'm totally in favour of you continuing to help your sis.Mentally/physically/emotionally/finanacially...in any way you possibly can.Blood ties are a deep bond and if you don't stand up for your family who will?
As far as adoption is concerned, i personally feel it's a pretty individualistic issue.Some people are pro adoption and some aren't.BOth husband and wife have to be in agreement before a child is adopted otherwise it is just not fair to the child because he/she will feel unwelcome and unloved by one adoptive parent.
So continue to do all you can to help your sis and her children and you can openly challenge both your in-laws and husband if need be!They have no logical or rational reason to oppose what you're doing.Besides,it's none of their business anyway.
ruchika seth replied.
DEAR LADIES, i read thru most of ur msgs. and I have heard all the sad realities of my married friends, my relatives, have exeprienced atrocities myslef in life.
infact, for a long time, i wanted to do something for uplifment of women in our society....i still am thinking how to do it.....need views of ALL the women here...who truly feel that their position in this world is pathetic....
first of all, we all know that \";aurat hi aurat ki dushman hai\";
secondly, we all know that husbands behave differently when they are with their parents or relatives (they can be very nice with you in their absence, but something really goes wrong with them when they are around their parents)
We also know that every girl is happy before marriage, and never after ( yes...i mean it...all of them are unhappy)
In our society, subtle but really strategically smart rules are taught to us right from birth... to turn us into what we are....and hence, easily rule on us (a girl should be a good cook, a good housekeeper, a devoted mother and wife, \";aadmi ke dil ka raasta hai uska pet....a woman should be like a mother to her husband in the day and a prostitute in the night....husband ke hi kushi main aurat ki khushi hai...pati devta hota hai, pati poojniya hai\";.... forgiving and patient hona chahiye...bado se zabaan nahi ladaate....blah...blah)
Wives are actually glorified maids and prostitutes, who take care of the house, be emotional support for husbands, take care of children (we build the society), and give physical pleasure to husbands.
The list is endless....
But have we ever stopped and wondered why is our situation so? Why are there certain \";done things\"; for women, certain roles only for us, certain duties, restrictions, blah blah only for us....its coz we have allowed everyone to take us for granted...our ever-sweet, forgiving and patient nature is the cause.....and the biggest cause is....that we females are not united...we have been brainwashed right from childhood...we and boys are raised differently for a reason....and we never question that?
we just fight our own individual battles, are unnsuccessful...and then....when it comes to torment another woman, we don't remember what we had gone through, we don't support them...but we suddenly transform into the ever so notoriously evil...\";mother in laws\"; and \";sister in laws\";....
my point is....we need to raise woman's social position in our society...our position is really really lowly and pathetic....
who decided that its a woman's job alone to take care of the house, the kids, the meals, the daily chores, the 'bahu' work and traditions?? But we all accept it the as a \";god-given law\";...that's our fault.
all the women, be it the poorest to the richest...are discriminated against..
no wonder...when it is heard that a girl was raped coz she was walking all alone on the streets at night (whatever the time)...or that she was wearing an inviting dress...its said....\";so what else was she expecting??\";...why aren't our sons trained the other way round...why do they think its their right to pounce on a girl since she has broken the \";code\"; ...and we are allowed to be on a junglee prowl....? and rapes don't happen only in the day time....we have raised our sons and daughters wrong....absolutely wrong....by telling themthe same 'dakiyanoosi' society rules etc...unknowinlgy, we are carrying on with the tradition of women sorrows.
ladies...none of us are safe...that includes the daughters you'll give birth to...they too would have to bear the same atrocities like us and like the past women generations....if we don't act
remember....women are the ones who make a society... if you look carefully, you'll know its a fact.....(we give birth, we take care of the child, we impart first social virtues and values to our children, they learn from us first, and the from the rest of the world)... don't you think that unknowingly, we impart wrong knowledge to our sons and daughters by teaching the stupid society rules and certain stupid indian culture...roles of a man and a woman???
we have to stay united and we fight for our right of equality (pls...right of equality doesn't mean equal jobs, equal pay, women-reservations...its al bullshit....we need to see the real problem)....i'm talking about social equality...and by the way...our shastras, upnishads, vedas and epics...all have depicted the role of a woman in a shameless way...no wonder, in early imes a woman was not allowed to study upnishads, vedas etc....GO THROUGH WHAT's WRITTEN ABOUT WOMEN IN OUR SHASTRAS at http://www.hinduism.co.za/women.htm. Know where we stand in our glorious indian culture and society.... please... change all this.... if you respect yourself even a single bit....this is the indian heritage we are preserving and feeding our children with...and acting on it thinking....this is how a true indian woman should behave...ladies read it...and know how respected are we in the indian culture
aren't we at fault when we don't question our parents when they allow one thing for the son and disallow the same for the daughter? Aren't we at fault when we allow our parents to give gifts-dowry at our weddings? Aren't we at fault when we let our parents perform the insane traditions of giving gifts etc at each and every occassion to ladka wallas? Arent't we at fault when we think its the done thing for the ladki walas to bear the wedding expenses (greeting the barat and dinner etc)...why? isn't it their son's marriage too? How can we allow our parents to think....nahi nahi...hum ladki waale hai, we can't to do this or that, we can't stay for long at the girl's place...and to top it all....we have no right in our family's inheritence...this too adds to the insecurities that women face...and the worst reason is....our forgiving nature...our so called \";bechaargi\"; ....our financial dependence..and our acceptance of our fate.
what i'm trying to say is...that the we need to uproot the real cause of our miseries...bring about a change in us first...become confident...see the real perspective...and fight for our rights...and stay united....AND BRING ABOUT A CHANGE IN THIS SOCIETY
i don't really know how to achieve this...have been thinking a lot...but there's one thing i know...poor follow the rich, low class follows the higher class....if the elite and educated women cannot protect themselves, then our society would not change....we need to change first then slowly, the society would change
but friends...as i said...i feel very agitated that we women go through so much, we have a thankless job profile in this world...and we are treated as maids nad prostitutes...we are just servants to men... (look at the roles defined for us in he society)..look at what you do at the end of the day...what have you been doing so far...have you never felt suffocated? felt its unfair... felt \";what lacks in me...i too am educated...talented...confident...then why should i do all this\";...why isn't it an equal responsibility of the man...why is he allowedto sit and fart in front of the couch while I keep the house clean, take care of the kids and e enjoys outside of the home ans inside too and then has the nerve to demand everything and judge you, if yuo fall short on the basis of a woman's duties? and then when the time comes to leave the in-laws or a tyrant husband...we are looked at with contempt...the society eyes us in dejection and even if our parents support us...we end up making them suffer...so most o us can't opt for either life death....
at the end of it ladies....we all know...that we all are sad....all of us...right froma 5 year old girl to the 70 year old woman...however rich or eductaed she might be....think about the reason....its the rules of society that we have so easily accepted for ourselves....
PLEASE ladies...lets discuss how can we put an end to this madness....what should be done to bring about this change in society... lets do something...lets strat something, we are all educated here, come from good families, have some free time also, are intelligent enough, if we can't then wo can? and who will?
i know it starts from self first....so lets change ourselves first....but we cannot sit at that alone...we need to have concerted effort to uproot it together...and if we don't share our thoughts, ideas and views on this....and act on it and do something worthwhile to this effect...then its only a proof.....that WOMEN ONLY FIGHT THEIR OWN BATTLES...WOMEN CANNOT BE UNITED...AND the age old saying \";AURAT HI AURAT KI DUSHMAN HAI\";....
jaya replied. hi, ur nature is very nice that u r helping ur sis in this situation. as nowadays each human being is busy in his/her own life. they wont think of others, not even of their siblings. n u r so supportive to ur sis. i wd like to gv u one suggestion. dont argue with ur hubby frequently on this topic. see as u said he is very understanding n caring then pleaseeeee dont ask him about this again. re: adoption it is not necessary that u hv to adopt her kid. u can take the responsibilities of their studies i.e. u can incur/reimburse the expenses of one of her kid's/or all 3 schooling i.e. books, school fees, etc. but please dont go to the court for such a small thing. as u r lucky that ur hubby is good enough to take care of u n ur kid. so be happy for it. dont spoil ur own life for ur sis's family. as both r very important for u. bye take care
Q replied. Hi!
No you are not a feminist null null null!
Ask him would he have helped his sister if she was in a state like this?
If you can help your sister discreetly, maybe just send some money direclty, it would help both things.
about the adoption issue, maybe he doesnt suport it. so also my husband. Adoption has to be in complete agreement by both the parents,else let the child be with his siblings-a better place for her! do you agree?
nothing wrong with him supporting your career. If he would have done good, you wd have suported him too. Just look at it like that. Dont go too much into it. You are lucky you are even getting support.. just leave it at that.
try to figure some way of helping your sis, coz if you dont help her in her time of need, you shdnt be called a sister. na? ignore your husband.and if he thinks he is going to file for a divorce if you help your sis, make him make that stand that in a court of law.
2005-10-28
#1
Name: gauri Subject: help your sister
Hey there,
I'm totally in favour of you continuing to help your sis.Mentally/physically/emotionally/finanacially...in any way you possibly can.Blood ties are a deep bond and if you don't stand up for your family who will?
As far as adoption is concerned, i personally feel it's a pretty individualistic issue.Some people are pro adoption and some aren't.BOth husband and wife have to be in agreement before a child is adopted otherwise it is just not fair to the child because he/she will feel unwelcome and unloved by one adoptive parent.
So continue to do all you can to help your sis and her children and you can openly challenge both your in-laws and husband if need be!They have no logical or rational reason to oppose what you're doing.Besides,it's none of their business anyway.
DEAR LADIES, i read thru most of ur msgs. and I have heard all the sad realities of my married friends, my relatives, have exeprienced atrocities myslef in life.
infact, for a long time, i wanted to do something for uplifment of women in our society....i still am thinking how to do it.....need views of ALL the women here...who truly feel that their position in this world is pathetic....
first of all, we all know that \";aurat hi aurat ki dushman hai\";
secondly, we all know that husbands behave differently when they are with their parents or relatives (they can be very nice with you in their absence, but something really goes wrong with them when they are around their parents)
We also know that every girl is happy before marriage, and never after ( yes...i mean it...all of them are unhappy)
In our society, subtle but really strategically smart rules are taught to us right from birth... to turn us into what we are....and hence, easily rule on us (a girl should be a good cook, a good housekeeper, a devoted mother and wife, \";aadmi ke dil ka raasta hai uska pet....a woman should be like a mother to her husband in the day and a prostitute in the night....husband ke hi kushi main aurat ki khushi hai...pati devta hota hai, pati poojniya hai\";.... forgiving and patient hona chahiye...bado se zabaan nahi ladaate....blah...blah)
Wives are actually glorified maids and prostitutes, who take care of the house, be emotional support for husbands, take care of children (we build the society), and give physical pleasure to husbands.
The list is endless....
But have we ever stopped and wondered why is our situation so? Why are there certain \";done things\"; for women, certain roles only for us, certain duties, restrictions, blah blah only for us....its coz we have allowed everyone to take us for granted...our ever-sweet, forgiving and patient nature is the cause.....and the biggest cause is....that we females are not united...we have been brainwashed right from childhood...we and boys are raised differently for a reason....and we never question that?
we just fight our own individual battles, are unnsuccessful...and then....when it comes to torment another woman, we don't remember what we had gone through, we don't support them...but we suddenly transform into the ever so notoriously evil...\";mother in laws\"; and \";sister in laws\";....
my point is....we need to raise woman's social position in our society...our position is really really lowly and pathetic....
who decided that its a woman's job alone to take care of the house, the kids, the meals, the daily chores, the 'bahu' work and traditions?? But we all accept it the as a \";god-given law\";...that's our fault.
all the women, be it the poorest to the richest...are discriminated against..
no wonder...when it is heard that a girl was raped coz she was walking all alone on the streets at night (whatever the time)...or that she was wearing an inviting dress...its said....\";so what else was she expecting??\";...why aren't our sons trained the other way round...why do they think its their right to pounce on a girl since she has broken the \";code\"; ...and we are allowed to be on a junglee prowl....? and rapes don't happen only in the day time....we have raised our sons and daughters wrong....absolutely wrong....by telling themthe same 'dakiyanoosi' society rules etc...unknowinlgy, we are carrying on with the tradition of women sorrows.
ladies...none of us are safe...that includes the daughters you'll give birth to...they too would have to bear the same atrocities like us and like the past women generations....if we don't act
remember....women are the ones who make a society... if you look carefully, you'll know its a fact.....(we give birth, we take care of the child, we impart first social virtues and values to our children, they learn from us first, and the from the rest of the world)... don't you think that unknowingly, we impart wrong knowledge to our sons and daughters by teaching the stupid society rules and certain stupid indian culture...roles of a man and a woman???
we have to stay united and we fight for our right of equality (pls...right of equality doesn't mean equal jobs, equal pay, women-reservations...its al bullshit....we need to see the real problem)....i'm talking about social equality...and by the way...our shastras, upnishads, vedas and epics...all have depicted the role of a woman in a shameless way...no wonder, in early imes a woman was not allowed to study upnishads, vedas etc....GO THROUGH WHAT's WRITTEN ABOUT WOMEN IN OUR SHASTRAS at http://www.hinduism.co.za/women.htm. Know where we stand in our glorious indian culture and society.... please... change all this.... if you respect yourself even a single bit....this is the indian heritage we are preserving and feeding our children with...and acting on it thinking....this is how a true indian woman should behave...ladies read it...and know how respected are we in the indian culture
aren't we at fault when we don't question our parents when they allow one thing for the son and disallow the same for the daughter? Aren't we at fault when we allow our parents to give gifts-dowry at our weddings? Aren't we at fault when we let our parents perform the insane traditions of giving gifts etc at each and every occassion to ladka wallas? Arent't we at fault when we think its the done thing for the ladki walas to bear the wedding expenses (greeting the barat and dinner etc)...why? isn't it their son's marriage too? How can we allow our parents to think....nahi nahi...hum ladki waale hai, we can't to do this or that, we can't stay for long at the girl's place...and to top it all....we have no right in our family's inheritence...this too adds to the insecurities that women face...and the worst reason is....our forgiving nature...our so called \";bechaargi\"; ....our financial dependence..and our acceptance of our fate.
what i'm trying to say is...that the we need to uproot the real cause of our miseries...bring about a change in us first...become confident...see the real perspective...and fight for our rights...and stay united....AND BRING ABOUT A CHANGE IN THIS SOCIETY
i don't really know how to achieve this...have been thinking a lot...but there's one thing i know...poor follow the rich, low class follows the higher class....if the elite and educated women cannot protect themselves, then our society would not change....we need to change first then slowly, the society would change
but friends...as i said...i feel very agitated that we women go through so much, we have a thankless job profile in this world...and we are treated as maids nad prostitutes...we are just servants to men... (look at the roles defined for us in he society)..look at what you do at the end of the day...what have you been doing so far...have you never felt suffocated? felt its unfair... felt \";what lacks in me...i too am educated...talented...confident...then why should i do all this\";...why isn't it an equal responsibility of the man...why is he allowedto sit and fart in front of the couch while I keep the house clean, take care of the kids and e enjoys outside of the home ans inside too and then has the nerve to demand everything and judge you, if yuo fall short on the basis of a woman's duties? and then when the time comes to leave the in-laws or a tyrant husband...we are looked at with contempt...the society eyes us in dejection and even if our parents support us...we end up making them suffer...so most o us can't opt for either life death....
at the end of it ladies....we all know...that we all are sad....all of us...right froma 5 year old girl to the 70 year old woman...however rich or eductaed she might be....think about the reason....its the rules of society that we have so easily accepted for ourselves....
PLEASE ladies...lets discuss how can we put an end to this madness....what should be done to bring about this change in society... lets do something...lets strat something, we are all educated here, come from good families, have some free time also, are intelligent enough, if we can't then wo can? and who will?
i know it starts from self first....so lets change ourselves first....but we cannot sit at that alone...we need to have concerted effort to uproot it together...and if we don't share our thoughts, ideas and views on this....and act on it and do something worthwhile to this effect...then its only a proof.....that WOMEN ONLY FIGHT THEIR OWN BATTLES...WOMEN CANNOT BE UNITED...AND the age old saying \";AURAT HI AURAT KI DUSHMAN HAI\";....
2005-08-09
#3
Name: jaya Subject: feminist
hi, ur nature is very nice that u r helping ur sis in this situation. as nowadays each human being is busy in his/her own life. they wont think of others, not even of their siblings. n u r so supportive to ur sis. i wd like to gv u one suggestion. dont argue with ur hubby frequently on this topic. see as u said he is very understanding n caring then pleaseeeee dont ask him about this again. re: adoption it is not necessary that u hv to adopt her kid. u can take the responsibilities of their studies i.e. u can incur/reimburse the expenses of one of her kid's/or all 3 schooling i.e. books, school fees, etc. but please dont go to the court for such a small thing. as u r lucky that ur hubby is good enough to take care of u n ur kid. so be happy for it. dont spoil ur own life for ur sis's family. as both r very important for u. bye take care
2005-08-07
#4
Name: Q Subject: ***
Hi!
No you are not a feminist null null null!
Ask him would he have helped his sister if she was in a state like this?
If you can help your sister discreetly, maybe just send some money direclty, it would help both things.
about the adoption issue, maybe he doesnt suport it. so also my husband. Adoption has to be in complete agreement by both the parents,else let the child be with his siblings-a better place for her! do you agree?
nothing wrong with him supporting your career. If he would have done good, you wd have suported him too. Just look at it like that. Dont go too much into it. You are lucky you are even getting support.. just leave it at that.
try to figure some way of helping your sis, coz if you dont help her in her time of need, you shdnt be called a sister. na? ignore your husband.and if he thinks he is going to file for a divorce if you help your sis, make him make that stand that in a court of law.
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& Answers to Topic : Am I a feminist
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No need to go anywhere else.
I feel that my husbands parents are using their son. My husband is from India and I am from the USA. He obtained his greencard and citizenship through me after coming here. He is a physician and obtained his residency training. I worked to earn for our family for two years until he got his job. Then he applied for his parents to visit us on a visiting visa. We were both wo... - Tina Shah [View Message]
RE:self centered inlaws
I agree they have completely double standards as I recently found out. I saw my husbands childhood photos when he was young. His parents claim they sacrificed everything for their kids and lived poor and behave like martyr parents. Got treated as free domestic servant. But the photos showed them dressed like Bollywood stars with watches and jewellery enjoying their life. O... - Tina [View Message]
RE:self centered inlaws
Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve. ... - Tina [View Message]
RE:Jadu on food?
Hi , I am facing the same thing.. I married my husband and we are not only from different caste but also different country. My in-laws are so nice to me on face but I can sense the jealousy and that inferiority majorly in my mother in law and my sister in law.. I never had such doubts but I experienced pain sadness , depression while they use to be nice .. and it was confu... - Noname [View Message]
RE:Mother-in-law spoiling my child
hello kajal,
if you are rudely talking with her, then this is not way to talking with your mother in law, you tell her in polite way, your son is her grand son, so she never think about his bad effects.... - ruchita [View Message]
RE:Mother-in-law spoiling my child
hello kajal,
stop your negative thinking towards your mother in law, she is your son grand mother too, so if she gave some sweet like sugar to him its just because of her love towards him.... - reshma [View Message]
RE:Mother-in-law spoiling my child
hello kajal,
if you are dont like your mother in law behaviour then tell her on face, that you dont whenever she gave sugar to her son, so she may be stop giving sugar to him, and your porblem will be sort out.... - kamna [View Message]
help your sister
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