Hi everyone i have posted here before and got very good advice.
i am 25 yr old female married to a wonderful man.
he is a very very good human being and loves me like anything.my happiness is the most important to him.
the only problem with my marriage has been that i am not physically atrracted to him at all.his parents are dominating and mean,but then almost all in-laws are,so i don;t think of that as an issue.
the only thing is physical atrraction!
everything seems fine as long as whe does not want sex.when we do it i feel irritable bcoz i hate it.
i wans'nt always like that and i know very well i do feel physically attracted to other men sometimes. i have a sexual energy in me and the desire,only i hate doing it with my husband.
my question is how important is sex in a marriage and especially in this scenario.
i am beautiful and that is more of a curse than a blessing as i know i could easily be with someone who i am attracted to.trust me friends this is a genuine problem in my life and i am trying to put it as plainly as i can.
so i want to know how much importance should i give to sex and the fact that i will never have sexual pleasure versus the fact that i have a wonderful loving hubby?
is physical satisfaction more important than unconditional love? and what if we have the latter in abundance and the zero of the former?
i have read in many forums and elsewhere that after a few years sexual attraction even which was once there reduces significantly.is that true?
also i have read that women after having 2/3 children and after their 30's usually feel less of a need to have sex,do not enjoy it as before due to physical problems and kids and that only have it to please they're partners.
if all this is true then should i care for something that after few years anyways i would'nt care about?
please reply friends,i have no one else to turn to.
thanks in advance
beeno
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Hi everyone i have posted here before and got very good advice.
i am 25 yr old female married to a wonderful man.
he is a very very good human being and loves me like anything.my happiness is the most important to him.
the only problem with my marriage has been that i am not physically atrracted to him at all.his parents are dominating and mean,but then almost all in-laws are,so i don;t think of that as an issue.
the only thing is physical atrraction!
everything seems fine as long as whe does not want sex.when we do it i feel irritable bcoz i hate it.
i wans'nt always like that and i know very well i do feel physically attracted to other men sometimes. i have a sexual energy in me and the desire,only i hate doing it with my husband.
my question is how important is sex in a marriage and especially in this scenario.
i am beautiful and that is more of a curse than a blessing as i know i could easily be with someone who i am attracted to.trust me friends this is a genuine problem in my life and i am trying to put it as plainly as i can.
so i want to know how much importance should i give to sex and the fact that i will never have sexual pleasure versus the fact that i have a wonderful loving hubby?
is physical satisfaction more important than unconditional love? and what if we have the latter in abundance and the zero of the former?
i have read in many forums and elsewhere that after a few years sexual attraction even which was once there reduces significantly.is that true?
also i have read that women after having 2/3 children and after their 30's usually feel less of a need to have sex,do not enjoy it as before due to physical problems and kids and that only have it to please they're partners.
if all this is true then should i care for something that after few years anyways i would'nt care about?
please reply friends,i have no one else to turn to.
thanks in advance
beeno
abc replied. Hi Beeno,
I think unknown has done a great job in writing some gr8 words to you.
Instead of thinking that you deserve someone better maybe you can start thinking that you deserve something better.. like sex.. which could be better with your husband also.. he and you can learn to enjoy with each other. you can get a few books and make him read. I am sure if he is passionate and loving (as you say).. he will try to improve and make you happy.
About the boring part that you have written.. i am also experiecning the same. It is totally my responsibility to make my child learn and to play with him.. my husband is very self centered. But, you have an advantage of having a person who cares abt you.. and if someone cares.. he will surely listen to you when you tell him that you really dislike certain things and he will try to be more interested.. just work on him :)
all the best.
Let me know if I was of some help.
take care
beeno replied. Hi unknown,thanks for your advice.your advice made me feel better.i hope u can help me more after u answer the questions that u've asked.
my marriage to begin with was never passionate.it was always one sided when it came to sex.
my husband kind of know this i think.
yes i was kind of emotionally blackmailed into it coz my muslim parents thought it's time for me to get married before all proposals run out or before i grow old(i was 24 only)
well i amrried bcoz convinced me i could'nt do better.
actually the 2 questions that u have asked me about what the problem is,sex or ego,i would say both.
u have really understood what i am going thro.
is it true that everyone feels they deserved better?
does passion pass away with the years with everyone?
i don't know if i am the only one feeling this way from time to time.
i have a lot of things to be thankful about and i am aware of them.
maybe your suggestion about going to a marriage counsellor would help.
i don't mind the others here who r making fun of me,i am happy that there is at least a handful of u out there who have really tried to help and your advice meant a lot to me really.
thanks and plz reply
beeno
unknown replied. dear beeno,
i have read a few of your mails before,not followed them in toto,but have got an idea.
basically,you are saying that your marriage has lately become sexless for you,right?
and it was not so before.,right?
Beeno,this thing happens at one time or the other to almost everyone in marriage.sexual incompatibility is commonner than we think.more often it is the men who feel sex-starved as the wife gets embroiled in raising kids and looking after family.
fortunately or unfortunately,we asian women are brought up in a culture where we are not usually dominant as far as sex is concerned.
but our generation husbands are more open to feelings and expressions than they were in our parents' time.we can talk to them freely about sex.
first of all you have to sort out what exactly is your problem?
is it
1.that you feel u deserve someone better looking than your husband and this 'superiority' feeling makes you unattracted to ur husband?
OR
2.is it that purely a problem with sexual incompatibility with your husband?
you ought to clarify what you are feeling?
IS it sex or is it ego?
we all feel that we deserve someone better than our spouses.now this 'better' can mean different thing s to different people.
for you,it seems it has got only to do with looks and probably sex.
yes,these are importatnt,but think why your attitude had changed now?
you have a daughter with your husband..were you forced into marriage?
did you not like him when you got married?
life is not all ha-ha hee-hee.
people here are not trying to lessen your self-importance or happiness.
they are merely grounded people who have seen worse things happening to women than your case.
that is why they are surprised about your attiude.
your question is certainly important,it may not be to everyone,but it is to you.
but,this is something you yourself have to solve.
you cannot rely on a third person's conscience for such a sensitive issue.
sex is important to some and not to others.
whether it lasts is also variable.
sometimes,a couple discover intimacy surprisingly later in life.
whatever you do,you sre solely responsible for your actions and it's effects.
you cannot go around looking for solace and the 'go ahead' sign from others.
you have to ask you inner self about all the important things in life.
answer yourself first.
if you ask me,i think love is eternal,sex is temporary.
seek help if you need,professional help.
try to discover the nuances of marriage and love and sex will folllow it if it has to.
but,ultimately it is your life beeno.
you must decide.
do reply.
take care.
phdcounsellor replied. hello beeno,
i m a cousellor and i wish to help u. beeno, ur attitude is very wrong.how could u just say that u r so beautiful and ur husband is not.i believe u dont love your husband, coz if u did you will never call him not a suitable match for u.sorry but u dont love him. further u wrote that ur husband cares only for ur happiness. so if he cares for ur happiness,shouldnt he expect the same from u.arent u being selfish.A man always expresses his love through having sex, so cant u express by giving the same to him.so all the courtesy is his, still he never complaints, n u just enjoying are complaining so much. u r being too selfish, he loves u and he deserves ur love too.u think u r beautiful, remember in this world there is no limit for beauty and no limit for ugliness. if your husband wants he can just throw 1000 dollars and get a beautiful prostitute lying on his bed, where u are suppose to be. what will u do then?have u ever thought abt that. if ur husband will not get love from u he will linger abt! and then u will cry.if u love him, showr him with ur love and make him feel the king of the world coz u r his very beloved queen!
u are among the lucky ones who have got a loving husband, be thankful to your allah,havent u read other forums of ladies crying out loud but their husbands just dont care...............................
i hope u have got what i m trying to say. do reply bak to tell if my advice has worked for u!!!!!!!!!!!
rr replied. Hey,
I am rr , who replied to your post earlier.Why are u so confused??? Think rationally.....please.Yes, u are so obsessed with your looks.I just thought that all those tips helped you and u realised that physical attraction is NOT EVERYTHING in life...but in vain...
so sad replied. Hi there,
It sounds like you have a great husband. i have followed your posts and I find myself feeling very sorry for the situation. You never fail to mention how beautiful you are and yes it is a curse... Most obviously because you can not get past the fact you could be with anyone else. What sort of person if so self absorbed that they assume beauty is the be all and end all of life? You appear to be a conceited individual and that will never change. What will change is your youthful beauty... It fades!
2005-07-13
#1
Name: abc Subject: your problem
Hi Beeno,
I think unknown has done a great job in writing some gr8 words to you.
Instead of thinking that you deserve someone better maybe you can start thinking that you deserve something better.. like sex.. which could be better with your husband also.. he and you can learn to enjoy with each other. you can get a few books and make him read. I am sure if he is passionate and loving (as you say).. he will try to improve and make you happy.
About the boring part that you have written.. i am also experiecning the same. It is totally my responsibility to make my child learn and to play with him.. my husband is very self centered. But, you have an advantage of having a person who cares abt you.. and if someone cares.. he will surely listen to you when you tell him that you really dislike certain things and he will try to be more interested.. just work on him :)
all the best.
Let me know if I was of some help.
take care
2005-07-13
#2
Name: beeno Subject: how important is it?
Hi unknown,thanks for your advice.your advice made me feel better.i hope u can help me more after u answer the questions that u've asked.
my marriage to begin with was never passionate.it was always one sided when it came to sex.
my husband kind of know this i think.
yes i was kind of emotionally blackmailed into it coz my muslim parents thought it's time for me to get married before all proposals run out or before i grow old(i was 24 only)
well i amrried bcoz convinced me i could'nt do better.
actually the 2 questions that u have asked me about what the problem is,sex or ego,i would say both.
u have really understood what i am going thro.
is it true that everyone feels they deserved better?
does passion pass away with the years with everyone?
i don't know if i am the only one feeling this way from time to time.
i have a lot of things to be thankful about and i am aware of them.
maybe your suggestion about going to a marriage counsellor would help.
i don't mind the others here who r making fun of me,i am happy that there is at least a handful of u out there who have really tried to help and your advice meant a lot to me really.
thanks and plz reply
beeno
2005-07-14
#3
Name: unknown Subject: hi again
hi again beeno.
before replying,i went back to read your previous mails too.
i see that you had made your mind up to make things work in your marriage and have faltered now again.this is also common!
i do empathise with you beeno,but i also dare to disagree with u on some issues.
but,before writing anything further,i must stress this real hard,actually warn u that you must not rely on things said here for your convinience.
life is not always perfect and it is how we decide to look at it that counts.
turning for help is ok,but believe me no one but you yourself has to account for what you think and do.
life can pose problems,big and small.solutions may or may not be easy.,may or may not be perfect.
to be honest,i doubt if any of us here are 100 percent confident about what we think or say.people speak out of personal and life experiences.
every person is different.
and so advices may be different.
what underlines all is well-wishing.
everyone wishes you well here.
on-one here is out to make fun of you.
but,yes if they do not concur with your own thoughts,you are bound to feel defiant.
anyway,i have to leave at this moment,but will write more a little later.
take care.
2005-07-13
#4
Name: unknown Subject: hi beeno
dear beeno,
i have read a few of your mails before,not followed them in toto,but have got an idea.
basically,you are saying that your marriage has lately become sexless for you,right?
and it was not so before.,right?
Beeno,this thing happens at one time or the other to almost everyone in marriage.sexual incompatibility is commonner than we think.more often it is the men who feel sex-starved as the wife gets embroiled in raising kids and looking after family.
fortunately or unfortunately,we asian women are brought up in a culture where we are not usually dominant as far as sex is concerned.
but our generation husbands are more open to feelings and expressions than they were in our parents' time.we can talk to them freely about sex.
first of all you have to sort out what exactly is your problem?
is it
1.that you feel u deserve someone better looking than your husband and this 'superiority' feeling makes you unattracted to ur husband?
OR
2.is it that purely a problem with sexual incompatibility with your husband?
you ought to clarify what you are feeling?
IS it sex or is it ego?
we all feel that we deserve someone better than our spouses.now this 'better' can mean different thing s to different people.
for you,it seems it has got only to do with looks and probably sex.
yes,these are importatnt,but think why your attitude had changed now?
you have a daughter with your husband..were you forced into marriage?
did you not like him when you got married?
life is not all ha-ha hee-hee.
people here are not trying to lessen your self-importance or happiness.
they are merely grounded people who have seen worse things happening to women than your case.
that is why they are surprised about your attiude.
your question is certainly important,it may not be to everyone,but it is to you.
but,this is something you yourself have to solve.
you cannot rely on a third person's conscience for such a sensitive issue.
sex is important to some and not to others.
whether it lasts is also variable.
sometimes,a couple discover intimacy surprisingly later in life.
whatever you do,you sre solely responsible for your actions and it's effects.
you cannot go around looking for solace and the 'go ahead' sign from others.
you have to ask you inner self about all the important things in life.
answer yourself first.
if you ask me,i think love is eternal,sex is temporary.
seek help if you need,professional help.
try to discover the nuances of marriage and love and sex will folllow it if it has to.
but,ultimately it is your life beeno.
you must decide.
do reply.
take care.
2005-07-11
#5
Name: phdcounsellor Subject: suggestion
hello beeno,
i m a cousellor and i wish to help u. beeno, ur attitude is very wrong.how could u just say that u r so beautiful and ur husband is not.i believe u dont love your husband, coz if u did you will never call him not a suitable match for u.sorry but u dont love him. further u wrote that ur husband cares only for ur happiness. so if he cares for ur happiness,shouldnt he expect the same from u.arent u being selfish.A man always expresses his love through having sex, so cant u express by giving the same to him.so all the courtesy is his, still he never complaints, n u just enjoying are complaining so much. u r being too selfish, he loves u and he deserves ur love too.u think u r beautiful, remember in this world there is no limit for beauty and no limit for ugliness. if your husband wants he can just throw 1000 dollars and get a beautiful prostitute lying on his bed, where u are suppose to be. what will u do then?have u ever thought abt that. if ur husband will not get love from u he will linger abt! and then u will cry.if u love him, showr him with ur love and make him feel the king of the world coz u r his very beloved queen!
u are among the lucky ones who have got a loving husband, be thankful to your allah,havent u read other forums of ladies crying out loud but their husbands just dont care...............................
i hope u have got what i m trying to say. do reply bak to tell if my advice has worked for u!!!!!!!!!!!
2005-07-13
#6
Name: beeno Subject: how important is it?
Hi Phd Counsellor,thanks for the reply.your advice makes a lot of sense. i know i should give him sex more often but i cringe when he tries to. as long as he does not want it i am fine.i know i am being very selfish in this regard,but my husband is no better.i wish he would try and understand what i am going through when it comes to intimacy. i do love him but not in a sexial way and that is so tough to explain.i want him to be smart,to talk well,have a good sense of humour and be more confident.i think the fact that he has a pretty wofe intimidates him even further.when we have company he just stays quite and is not at all confident.i feel so bad when he does this in front of my friends,my friends obiously might be wondering what was it that i saw in him.i mean good looks are of no importance when the personality is great. i know this.but he lacks even that.he has no hobbies,he does'nt like music,reading nothing.he just goes to work and comes home like sleeps and watches tv a bit,or goes to the gym.that's all there is to his day.to make a normal converstaion with him is a struggle. i mean he talk sweetly to me but ehat he talks is very senseless and boring.
i know all this sounds selfish n rude but here i am with it.
i wanted my kids to have a smart,intelligent dad who would sing to them,read to them,make them and all rounder and not just a geek.but that responsibily is also mine now.
thanks anyway u have helped me
take care
beeno
2005-07-10
#7
Name: rr Subject: why are u again confused
Hey,
I am rr , who replied to your post earlier.Why are u so confused??? Think rationally.....please.Yes, u are so obsessed with your looks.I just thought that all those tips helped you and u realised that physical attraction is NOT EVERYTHING in life...but in vain...
2005-07-10
#8
Name: so sad Subject: look away from your mirror
Hi there,
It sounds like you have a great husband. i have followed your posts and I find myself feeling very sorry for the situation. You never fail to mention how beautiful you are and yes it is a curse... Most obviously because you can not get past the fact you could be with anyone else. What sort of person if so self absorbed that they assume beauty is the be all and end all of life? You appear to be a conceited individual and that will never change. What will change is your youthful beauty... It fades!
2005-07-10
#9
Name: beeno Subject: how important is it?
hi rr and so sad, i am not totally confused anymore. all the valuable advice u'll had given me,the last time i posted,has not gone to waste. at that point in my life i was thinking about leaving my husband and such extreme steps.but after reading u're replies i decided against it and quite happily at that.
but of course in a month or 2 things haven't changed totally.i still do get the same recurring thoughts at times.
all i wanted to know this time was how important is a happy sexual life which in my case i will never have.that is all i wanted to know friends.if u read my question,then this is all i wanted to discuss this time.i will never leave my hubby for sure but can i not come here now and then and discuss some personal stuff with my friends-all of u?
thanks
beeno
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