Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi Dil,

Ya i read the diamond message as it looks like my story especially that Mumma's boy part and the indecisive nature of my husband. But u see what is the solution. Well I am married for last 1.2 years now. I spent my first 3 months understanding my MIL FIL and next 8 months when i saw their real face struggling and fighting with them. They always argued with me direcly never involved my husband. He used to stand speechless before them and I used to answer. Whenever I look upto to him he used to see down and standing speechless as if he doesn't know what to say.

Finally, When he repeated this many times. I realiased that he will never support me as he has been upbringed that way by his father and mother. A DEPENDENT BOY. I can't tell u how interferring and controlling my MIL and FIL are. Especially MIL, She even want to know what abt our private life and being so old still competes with me for everything cloth, cosmetics, and above all for drawing the attention of my husband (the elder son). But what is the solution. Let us find out some solution as being working it takes ur lot of time in all these things. Let us share with each other our experiences remedies. Pls help if u agree as I just want a peaceful life bt it feels to me that WE NEED TO SEE AND PLAN FOR EVERYDAY. WHAT NEW ISSUE OR THING MY MIL HAS DONE OR DOING TO IRRITATE ME OR TO SEPERATE US. imagine she can't see me sitting with him and spending time so she always calls him after 5 min
diamond replied. Hi Bubly , vj & other DIls,

Yes, I truly understand what you girls are going through beacuse I too have experienced this. It is so sad that in-laws don't treat us like human beings. How can they forget that we too have a heart and we are not made up of stones. They want us 2 lead our lives the way they want, no matter how much we dislike it and 2 top of it, we have 2 smile. We are not supposed 2 make any complaints beacuse according 2 them we have got the best- so what else we need. And our pain becomes more intense, when our husbands don't understand our feelings & igonre our priorities. They are too much focused on their parents. They can hurt us, but not their mom-dad, who have been continuoulsy criticizing us & our every action.

Vj, I felt very sorry when I read your story that how your husband crushed your sentiments. But I am proud of you for the fact that you confronted them so boldly, you have showed them that you are not weak and they can not take you for granted. Hats off to you. I admire you for this. I am sure, one day your hubby will realize his mistake, but I know it will be very late, beacuse the damage has already been done. Like your in-laws, my in-laws also gossip(gossip is very very polite word) about me & my family with my husband. I used 2 think that a husband's duty is to protect his wife & stop others when they talk bad about his wife,but my Dh has proved me wrong.(although I feel my hubby is a nice person at heart, but at the same time he can't fight with his parents for me, so I have no major issues with him other than his parent's selfish behavior).I think, my in-laws favorite pass-time is gossiping and back-biting about others- be it their relative, friend, or their own bahu.In-laws don't realize that by backbiting they are only destroying their relationship with their DILs and making them more & more distant. If they really want us 2 love & respect them, then why they behave so indifferent ,why do they want 2 control their DILs ? Is it some fear or their insecurities? Why can't they trust us?

These days my ILs try 2 be nice 2 me(God knows what hit them), but my heart is not able 2 trust them anymore. I have been hurt very badly in the past,so now I don't want 2 let this happen again. I have zero expectations from them- no expectations, no disappointments- right ?

I don't think there is some concrete soution to this problem. I feel, with this kind of relationship,our in-laws are also at loss. We have no true affection or love for them- we all know,we are just doing a formality, beacuse God has bound us with them, so we have to make this compromise.

So ladies, just try to focus on the positive aspects of your lives and be content with it.

take care. vj replied. Hi bubly,
I understand what you are going through. My dh went one step ahead and crushed my spirit. Whenever there was confrontation between my mil and I, he would stand by her to wipe her tears while I was waiting for him to come to me and make me feel better. Moreover he would say insensitive things about me to my mil like she is not very experienced yet. When she undergoes the things you are going through then she will know. When I confronted about this he would say that his mother has been a dil and now is a mil. Being a mil is also new to her but I am not a mil yet so I cannot understand what she is going throught etc., It all sounded bull shit to me as I felt I never intended to come in between her and her son while she spends her whole day trying to create a wedge between us. Then one fine day I went out in front of everybody and called my parents and told them to come and get me as I don't deserve a husband who cannot think for himself. I also told this family does not deserve me anymore. That is it all hell broke loose. His mom cried, they all shouted at me. They threatened to call my parents and let them know how much damaged I have caused etc., etc., etc., I said I did not care I am going to seperate from my dh and show the world that they are not saints after all.(my ils are very concerned about their image in the world. They think that our kith and kin think they are angels while I know the real thing. Neither do our clan think they are angles nor they are angels)
Then my dh has changed his ways and so does my mil. They will never openly confront or accuse me of anything. There is a downside to this also. When in need of real support(which is why in the first place we get married) they will not be there for us. We should not expect them at all. Try to involve your siblings and friends in your day to day life activities and depend on them for everything. Keep your heads high and show that you do not need them at all. They cannot stand that. They will come around one day or the other. Remember the men in these cases do not think for themselves. They have their mothers to think for them. One day their mothers will be gone and they will need you to think for them.

Dil replied. Yes Bubly, it is the same thing me also, hubby used to do the same thing and now my MIL & FIL have influenced him so much that he says what his mom is saying is right and that I have to go by her rules. My MIL & FIL also don't let me & my husband sit or spend time together whenever they are there, they can't even stand that my husband spends 5min only with me.It is really irritating and sick, I tried to answer back, ignore etc, but nothing seems to work as I'm not so smart or manipulative as my IL's. They get everything according to their way, but still they don't let me have fun or enjoy with my husband or my family.