Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

dear friends,i'm mehek ,live in california.i've been reading the discussions here but never wrote my prob coz it has nothing to do with in-laws.i am in a very difficult situation in my life.i want to share my story with u n request all who read it to plz leave some advice if u can.
i am 28yrs old,brahmin girl,wasliving in b'lore,in usa since around 2 yrs.i come from a wealthy educated family who was always very particular abt caste n creed.i had a b.f before marriage n was with him for more than 3 yrs he was also a brahmin.my parents had agreed n his too.only he was slighlty conservative n not very rich.i did'nt mind all this,but my mom who liked him a lot otherwise would keep cajoling him to go abroad.mebbe she wanted me out of the situation...he agreed to go but my mum demanded we get engaged first as we were seeing each other.they did'nt want this.now i was naive then n in many ways i must've hurt him during that period..but he too had an acid tongue.he often made me feel inferior bcoz of my looks.to describe i would say i am very beautiful(plz do not take this as bragging i am describing it to help give u an idea abt everything)i am tall,with light eyes very fair and have good personality too.he was also extrely goodlooking.i donno why he used to do that.he often told me i was fat,or that he could've got better girls etc...n for few yrs while i was with him i developed an inferiority complex bcox of all this.this was one reason y i wanted him 2 get engaged to me n then go abroad,well finally he did'nt go,n to cut a long story short...we had more problems.we always kept fighting.once the parents were involved it was worse.i discovered towards the end tht he was quite conservative,did'nt want me to work,wanted me dressed a certain way,wanted me to stay with his parents etc.my dad who is a broadminded professional man found all this wierd but for my sake kept quite.the break-up was bad,he called me fat ass etc on fone(he had a very bad temper)n things like tujhe mere perents ki seva karni hogi if u want this on etc.i left him n he was very hurt.
a year passed n i was already 25 almost...my parents started panicking.i guess many common friends knew abt my bf n hence i was not even getting good rishtas.i did'nt complete my law degree also n life was a mess.i grew slightly fat n started losing the charm on my face.this made my mum worry a lot,but she often made it worse for me.well...i saw many guys but they were all such jerks.then one day my hubby's proposal came.mum n dad were happy as same caste n good education etc.i was only happy to see them happy.i saw his pic n did'nt like much...but we used to chat n he was quite nice on chat.once my parents knew i found him ok to talk to...bas after that they pressurized me soooo much to get married to him.my mum would say things like wot if we die who will take cae of u etc.i was throughly blackmailed emotionally.i gave in n married my hubby.i hated the day of my marriage,i was so unhappy.the 3 main reasons i married him honestly were 1: parents pressure 2:he liked me so much n it was pity i think 3: i too thought i was getting old,not getting good proposals n some type of rebound after my first bfn n also an escape from daily seeing my parents misery.
well...after i came to usa.i used to think i will learn to like my husband...to eventually love him for his niceness etc...but found out that i just did'nt feel attracted to him.even today.my sexual desire is gone forever.i am not turned on at all.i don't like his looks n not even his personality.i always dreamt of a handsome funny hubby,an outgoing type,whereas he is plain simple n shy.many of my friends were shocked to see i chose to marry him.i do feel i could've waited n got someone of my choice.i often see stunning girls with avg guys n try to feel better but that does not work for too long.
i hate my parents for doing this to me.most of all i hate myself for not stopping at the right time,and also for giving in to the blackmail.mu hubby he is very well educated an mba from here n earning a lot.he loves me like anything.he is so understanding n all...BUT is that all it takes??if thatz all then y can't i still fall in love with him.i feel we live like roommates,physical intimacy is there but not frquently..n itz very very difficult for me.i have even started missing my ex n often think abt wot life would be with him,i often blame myself for leaving him.
i cannot concentrate on anything,don't go out,make firends nothing.i am in a shell now.when i see happpy couples i feel slighly jealous.this was not me.i hate my life now.in fact do not even wish for babies anymore.my health is going down.friends u might be wondering why don't i just leave then,honestly the reasons are.i cannot do this to my hubby.wot is his mistake.he has given me so much love,how can i just leave him like that.i do like him,but itz surely not love.also a very selfish but natural reason,even if i were brave enuff to walk out...where will i go?i don't even have a graduate degree! and of course this will shatter my parents who as it don't keep too well.so basically i want to stay in this marriage,but also want to be happy.please help me friends.help me see the light.thanks so much
mehek tejmom replied. life is more than just looks. what is the use of leading a horrible life with a handsome buffalo. its better to live with a good hearted ugly humanbeing.your dreams should be such that you become a respectable person in the society. you should have a dignified life. the dreams you have mentioned is worthless. just think and act!!! be smart, that will make you look smart. once you leave such a good husband nobody will respect you. what is the point of leading a life when there is no respect and people look down at you as if u r a cheap fool. just think and make your decision mehek replied. thanks everyone for your help.i do feel lighter after sharing this problem with u.as u all know this is the type of problem that cannot really be discussed with even the best friends,as they will tend to judge u or worse feel sorry for u all the time.
the real reason for my misery seems to be not that i am still in love with my ex,i believe itz bcoz my hubby is less that wot i expected so i still think about the ex. after reading your answers itz more clear to me why i left my ex.he was a mama's boy and had the worse temper.
i have in laws who r ok,not very good not very bad,if u know wot i mean.but their smallest taunts etc make me see red and i have actually stopped talking to them for a long time now.i feel the reason for my intolerence is my hubby.i feel that in this aspect i was not blessed meaning did'nt get a hubby of my taste,then i want everything else to be perfect. so the smallest things i end up blowing outta proportion n i confess my mistake.in fact i sometimes can go outta my way to see to it that hubby is not happy with my relationship with his parents.i know that is mean of me. friends i want to tell u that my hubby even though nice,has never stepped up and tried to change himself at all for me.he is grossly overweight but will never try to lose it.he knows the difference between him n me lookswise is very obvious to everyone,then y can't the try to make me happy.little things he can do but does'nt n i feel takes me for granted in this regard.if he were to groom himself better n lose weight etc it would surely make me happier.i used to nag him for this,but not anymore.
i thank u all of u for the advise u have given me.this has helped me see the better things in life,nad respect him for his good qualities.it will take some time though to completely accept everything n move on...
thanks friends i am glad i wrote here
mehek
Diligent replied. Hey guys,

Diligent is back on track! All I can say Mehek is the grass always looks greener on the other side. Grow up and put in some positive things in your married life. Your husband adores you and if he finds out you don't care about him because of xyz, he will be very dissapointed and may dislike you. Then you will have lost your ex boyfriend and your husband. And I don't need to tell you how much your confidence will hit rock bottom then. Move on. augustborn replied. Dear Mehek
Life with Ex:
1. Had an acid tongue and made you feel inferior.
2. Commented(hurtful & vulgar) on your weight.
3. Was of the opinion that he could get better girls than you
4. Was very conservative, expected you to dress, eat, and act according to his whims.
5. Wanted you to be a personal maid to his parents.
6. This relationship left you so broken that you couldnt even complete your degree, lost interest in your health and your confidence was rock bottom.
7. You were not even sure whether you will ever get a decent proposal again...

Enter your husband:
1. Plain, simple and shy...
2. Very well educated and leading a good life in USA.
3. Loves you a lot, is understanding and is besotted with you.
4. This man is the knight in the shining armour who took you away from despondency, loves you and gave you respect in life.
5. You are not subjected to insults, loathing and inferiority complex...
6. You live a decent life on your terms(dress/eat and act according to your wish and style).
7. You are not expected to be a maid to his parents...


This is the summary of the character sketches you have provided...
Why would you want to fantasise about your life with ur Ex...it would have been miserable. You would have been surely living with a handsome man who would have bullied you and treated you like dirt. Would you have been able to grow old with him...would you?
Take a stock of your life Mehek, what are you fretting about - a plain looking husband...thats all.
To make a success of your life is in your hands. The question is do you want to...
Friend, what efforts have you put in this marriage. To make a success of any relationship, one has to put in efforts. Infact, one has to put in efforts to make a success of even a friendship...
God has bestowed a lot on you. Now its upto you to either appreciate your goodluck and cherish it or throw it away.
We are always here to lend you support in all ways, Mehek but the major contribution has to come from your side...

e replied. You are a lucky girl - except for looks/persona;ity your husband is everything that any girl would wish for. Nobody is perfect. Not everybody is happy when they get married. Forget abt india where we have arranged marriges. Do u think in the U.S. every girl (or boy) thinks he/she has a perfect husband or a wife when they get married. Everyone has dreams abt how their husband/wife should be. But you have to compromise somewhere. When I was in college i used to think having a perfect husband means having a husband who is handsome, has a great personality, who is highly educated and rich. But after 7 years of marriage I have realized that what is the most important thing is how much ur husband loves u, how he treats u etc. Looks and physical appearences don't matter so much after a few years of marriage. If u would have married ur ex boyfriend, yes u may have had a handsome hubby and a great sex life for a year or so, but after a few years all the fun would fade away when he would start disrespecting u etc.
If u read many posts on this website u can realize that so many girls r unhappy bcause thier husbands have no respect for them, no love for them, give their parents first priority even though thy treat thier wives baby etc. May be such husbands are good looking and have a wonderful personality. But are these girls happy?
i am telling u once again you r a lucky girl. Thank God that u did not get married to ur ex who loved u onle superficially but had no respect for u. Thank God for giving u such a nice, loving and caring hubby. Don't take such imp qualities for granted. not everyone gets them vd replied. hi dear,

first of all have confidence in yourself. I was reading somewhere yesterday that as an adult you are responsible for what is happening or what is in store for you?

Even blaming your parents, your ex etc wont help u know. What has happened has happened. I have a suggestion. Gather up the courage and start writing what can you do now to make your life better? Have a list ready for what you want in life and then have a solution for it( what you can do)

For example- 1. confidence building - pursue your education, community service etc.
2. Family life- work towards making your home a better place- renovate it

3.Husband- accept him for what he is . Please don't compare him with ex. tell him to spend time with you. Both of you can go for long drives, please go to discos etc, or take a vacation. Enjoy life.Looks are the last thing to worry about. Look at the world leaders , do you think they are good looking? Even have a look at stephen king or indian president- abdul kalam. They have brains.

4. Call friends over. But talk to friends who give you hope not who talk about your past.


Also, thank god and count what god has given you.

Here are some inspirational thoughts just for you.

If you have given up hope of ever being happy, cheer up. Never lose hope. Your soul, being a reflection of the ever joyous Spirit, is, in essence, happiness itself.


Happiness depends to some extent upon external conditions, but chiefly upon mental attitudes.



Essentially, conditions are neither good nor bad; they are always neutral, seeming to be either depressing or encouraging because of the sad or bright attitude of the mind of the individual concerned with them.



Change your thoughts if you wish to change your circumstances. Since you alone are responsible for your thoughts, only you can change them. You will want to change them when you realize that each thought creates according to its own nature. Remember that the law works at all times and that you are always demonstrating according to the kind of thoughts you habitually entertain. Therefore, start now to think only those thoughts that will bring you health and happiness.


As you are in Califonia,you can attend few lecture sessions for self realisation, if you want at

SELF-REALIZATION FELLOWSHIP
3880 San Rafael Avenue, Dept. 9W
Los Angeles, CA 90065-3298 USA



Telephone

Tel: (323) 225-2471

I just advice you my friend to move on before it is too late. Live each moment happily. You never know about tomorrow.


julyborn replied. Hi mehek,

As meena said get a reality check!!!!! it might sound harsh,..but u have to start accepting life that u chose....Its no use crying or wanting what u could not have....try to find happiness with what is there with u.....

1. U have to stop thinking about your EX.......he is not in your present or future ...then why to think????

2. Try loving your husband for the reasons that he loves u....he is giving u a very loving , comfortable and happy life...i know to like a person u should like or love his looks too...but see everybody does get everything in life......i know there r girls who have very very handsome husbands...but they don't have other things that u have...their husband r eith flirts, or not earning good money etc...

3.trt seeing positive things in your married life.......If u have already made a decision mot to leave your husband...then i think ...you better start making him happy and inturn make your life better and happy......

Best of luck!!!! V1 replied. Are you sure you want to stay married to this person ? If your answer is YES then

-you need to stop thinking of your EX . No use !!

- Think Deep , beauty doesnt last for ever but Frienship , trust with husband can .

- Engage in activities that will make you happy so you can spread the happiness in your home - like hobbies , volunteer work , reading books, join dancing courses , music , YMCA etc .

- Clock keeps ticking , you may be happy or sad .


meena replied. dear mehek,

first of all take a reality check!!!

i dont mean any offense dear girl, but if u read ur own messsage, u will find that it shows a lot of selfishness.

i know a lot of us want looks . it is the main priority in arranged mariiages.
i loved my hubby's looks esp his eyes, lips and all. i still do.
but today just 2 years later, he has a big tyre around his waist. he has put on a lot of weight.i am still the same.
in another 7 years, he may lose his hairline or develop a bald patch. he may start wearing glasses. all this is a definite possibility. he has already started showing signs( he is 32).
then his eyes are not going to save his personality anymore. then should i be depressed and then think that i wud have got someone better?
by the way, he is very nice, totally understanding just like ur hubby.

And how cud u even think of ur ex?
he has a bad temper. and the way he treated u is called emotional abuse. today u wud be on this message board writing about that instead of complaining about hubbys looks.

do u know how much worse it is to live with an abusive angry, conservative man than to live with a so called ' ugly man'.

the thing that makes u talk like this is ur own pride that u r good looking. but did ur good looks save u and get u the good proposals u wanted?

u say u got a liitle fat and started losing ur charm when u were having problems. if u have a baby, u may get enormously fat and then lose all ur charm, then ur hubby and u wud be at par. if u were married to ur ex, he wud probably leave u. i am sure ur hubby wont.

i dont know what ur age is, but u will lose ur loveliness too with time and what will remain is the bond of love, trust and togetherness with ur hubby.

all these happy couples that u speak of also have loads of problems , most of us just put on a show.

please take a reality check and learn to love him. there is so much suffering in the world, i feel god has saved u by not letting u get on with ur ex.

i am so sorry if i seem harsh in any way. please forgive me. i am sure a lot of people will agree with me. mehek replied. just finished submitting.it is 4.30 in the morning here n this is how i spend most of my nights.i just hope everyone will help especially augustborn,vd,etc.in fact all of u here are so wise i am really waiting for some advice.i hope this will bring about some change in my very sad life.