Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hey Everyone,
After reading many posts here I feel so relieved that I am not wrong in ignoring my inlaws. I have been reading these posts for more than a month now and finally feel like sharing my story. Maybe it will give strength to someone, maybe some of you can give strength to me. I have been married for 3 yrs. Both inlaws are docs in India.My hubby and I live in the US. My devar lived with us till last month when he finally decided to move on as he turned 25. I must say that I gave strong hints that he needs to move out and give us some privacy as he was an emotionally bully gnawing at our emotions, money and still behaved lousy with me. I attend university here and I have worked in India for 3 years and I am pretty independent and friendly. My inlaws appear or act to be the most well educated in front of others and treat me like shit otherwise.My MIL is the devious one but acts as if she is the most innocent. During my last trip to India, she ill treated me and put on innocent act in front of everyone.She did a lot of petty kitchen politics. I didn't understand why as I am th eonly bahu and I really wanted to strike a good relationship with her. Anyways, byt the time I got it, it was too late.One month later she came to visit us for 4 months. Those were the worst months of my life. She wldn't lift a finger but the minute she saw my hubby,she would rush over and start working ,pulling things from me. I had classes 4 days a week, when I wasn't there, she would go into my closet and pull things out and criticize about some crazy stuff. Finally when FIL came she started how mucg she did and how women don't do anything and all and women don't allow theoir husbands to spend and all. I must tell you that my husband paid for international undergraduate tution for 5 years for his bro and we were married and I was supportive of this as I thought it's his brother yaar, it's ok. She knows all this, we have talked to her that now bil is earning very well and we haven't ever asked any money or anything from him. As a result we have no savings. Tutition is so expensive here. But she kept pushing my fil with her remarks and my fil flares that kids have no responsibility. My hubby and I stood up for ourselves which they hated.Our anniversary was during that time. They didn't bless us and were sour the whole day. They made comments like hindu samaj main anniversary kuch nahi hoti. But they wanted to celebrate my bil's b'day. And he doesn't even let them come to his apartment. But the minute they meet him,they start joking and laughing and then make us take them shopping where they buy stuff for my devar. I was quiet till they left. Now I don't call them for their anniversary or b'days nor do I give them any love. I talk to them when my hubby calls that's it and that too very casual no interests involved. I know it my hubby doesn't like it but I can't take the bitchiness of my mil, she literally tries to treat me like a second class citizen and then in front of people she acts all educated and understanding. I can't stand the double facedness of educated indian inlaws. Ofcourse my hubby thinks all her bitchiness is a figment of my imagination no matter how many times he has seen it first hand.And he is supernice to me every other way, I tryto forgive him and lead my own life without bothering about pleasing my inlaws! There's my story! Whew! whitechestnut replied. hey jija,

I had the identical situation to the T !
The same kitchen scene etc. I too decided the same that you did- the only difference being that I wavered out of goodness of my heart after 2 years. (the time it took me to heal and understand what had happened to me - I was in a abit of a shock as I had never in my life come accross educated people lke this !)

Anyway to cut the story short - I did find my peace as I was away from them emotionally and physically. When I wavered and sent them a few cards for occasions, I really felt I was making all the effort all again ! i made a decision last month, that I didn't need all this mental stress and would concentrate on my own family and close friends and people who were more deserving of all my affection and love.

I am polite and codial, but I don't think people change all that much and I don't think I have to play Sati Savitri and be a doormat any more.

Take care , love yourself and Stay strong !



julyborn replied. Hi jija,

I think you did right thing by standing for yourself...Some things that u mentioned even happed with me...like my mil used to go in my closet when i used to go work and then make comments about my clothes and etc ...in front of everybody...i did not like that....my hubby is the only son...still i don't know why she thought i was in competition with her.....she would not like if my Fil talked nicely with me...she would not allow me and my hubby to go anywhere alone when they were in US....they use tell us that in india there is no such thing as PRIVACY.....why do u need that....don't u have your bedroom for that!!!! My inlaws too are educated...but when i use to hear these things from them.....i was shocked.....they came to US 6months after my marraige....and they were here for 1 year......in that year me and my hubby did not see a single movie in theatre or went anywhere out with them or even celebrated our anniversary!!!!

So now i too have stopped talking to them...my hubby understands and supports my decision........i told my hubby i would not insult your parents , but i would not take all these SHIT from them too!!!!!!! me too replied. hey jija
mine too is a same story...the only diff is my inlaws are not that educated. I always use to think education matters and dreamt that atleast if they had college grad or something kuch tho akhal ho tha tha. but after reading ur story..felt no point at all.........
these days i just ignore her....why to spoil my mental peace