Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

hi all,i have reading all the posts here for months,n somehow feel better to know there r others in the same boat as me! only recently after coming across posts from augustborn,vd etc i have decided to write my story and ask for your comments.please be patient as itz looong,but plz do write back all of u who read it.i am a 28,married for 3 yrs.i'm frm delhi n belong to a well to do educated family.my hubby is from a small city,n his parents also r small minded.i met him on a matrimonial site,n met his parents only after it was decided btw us.i did'nt like my mil the first time i met her itself,she looked mean n greedy.well...we had an engagement with a small bunch of close relatives in my city but they forced us to have the wedding in their city.as a result many ppl were not even invited from our side n they still complain.the engagement was very grand n fil demanded from my dad that the wedding should be equally grand.my dad had lot of dreams to get me married in a grand manner in delhi itself.so once when my mum resisted this on fone my mil told her,actually she wanted her son to marry his cousin n not me n that she could not have her say n she regretted it.we were all shell-shocked.my dad got high bp,i used to feel so guilty for all this.mine was'nt exactly a love marriage but it was more like initiated from my side.ok now next was their demand for dowry.one day my fil called n told my mum that we should give him furniture like sofa,bed,tables etc for his house.my parents agreed n my dad rushed to his city to buy him lots of stuff.all through i hated all this.not just this there were countless little incidents especially from my mil.the wedding was done at taj in their city,but yet they had problems n complaints like the food was'nt good,or the we lost something at the venue etc.wot they did with their reception is not even mentionable.my parents knew after my engagement n before my marriage wot they had got into,but due to society n pressures they still went ahead.they also saw that my hubby was a very decent educated man with good morals n the fact that he n i liked each other a lot.well once we were married we came to the usa on a project.my mil was so angry with that too as she wanted one son to be in india n 2 sons abroad.well...i wanted to come anyway coz i really was scared abt visiting her every now n then.after coming here for one yr i could not forget wot all had happned n kept crying,getting depressed but later i was fine.i decided to let go of those memories.then my younger bro in law got engaged here in usa,n hubby n i went for the ceremony.everything seemed ok,but when we got back from there.my hubby called her,n she was said this\";( in hindi)whre the hell have u been y did'nt u speak to me from there.i have heard u r totally latoo abt your wife n uske aage peeche hi hote rehte ho(my bil must've filled her ears)...usmein aisi kya khubsoorti hai( wot beauty do u see in her?) n here i was sitting right there listening to everything.i disconnected the fone n my hubby like an idiot said that she did'nt mean wot she said etc.i told him to tell her i heard it n he did it after some reluctance.this was a side of him tht i hated.well...after that i don't like talkin to her at all.this woman has the guts to do anything i tell u.i hate her so so much.later on for my bil's wedding when i went to india again another set of problems.i used to speak with her in delhi on fone,before the wedding but not once did she invite my parents for it.was'nt she supposed to.my dad assumed that he would be invited n so booked plane tickets in advance,n when still did'nt see any verbal or written invitation he just told my fil that he had booked them.they half heartedly invited them after that.i told my hubby n when he came to delhi he invited them personally n that made my parents feel better.well...when hubby n set off for his city,the room in which we were to sleep was full dust n even dead lizards.i shrieked,but wot could i have done?after that,again at the wedding she used to gimme rude stares,she is basically a rude unsophiticated woman n she behaved just that.when my parents came for the wedding,she told my mum abt the many god n diamond sets given to my sil as dowry.when the sets were displayed she called me from nowhere so tht i would see and kept staring at me throughout.i felt so helpless.my dear hubby was the only one who stood by me always n did'nt allow nonsense when he was around.being in usa i feel safe n peaceful as i cannot ever imagine the possibility of staying under the same roof with her for more than a 10 days.some days ago i visited my younger sil n she too told me how she hated our mil.my sil is sweet,but i think my bil wants us to go abck so he stay here forever.i love my hubby a lot but can;t stand my mil,so if it comes to that i might have to seperate bcoz of her:((i donno inspite of being so far away i keep thinking abt these things and cannot concentrate on my studies or anything else.i've been left with these scars to deal for life.i am very goodlooking n smart and come from a respectable family of doctors n engineers,i can't help but think i deserved a better family. augustborn replied. Well regarding your question about what you can do for your parents...

1. Donot share with them the antics of your IL's. It will worry them and sadden their hearts. Whenever your IL's expose their mean nature to your parents, you have to be strong and send across a message to your parents that you are a mature and sensible girl who can handle her issues and take care of herself.
2. Whenever you are in India on a vacation, see to it that you spend half your vacation with them and that your husband also spends time with them.
3. If its financially viable, invite your parents for a vacation here. They will be so happy and proud of you.

The least you can do is to make sure that they dont have to take crap from anyone for you. Make it known to everyone that you wont stand that...

My IL's once made a remark(a taunt) about my parents in a huge gathering...I made my displeasure known there and then. In a polite but firm tone, I told them that I didnot like the comment and would appreciate if such remarks are not made ever and I can only respect them if they respect my parents. I dont care what everybody thought about my speech:). My husband was present there and trust me we didnot speak about the incident ever and I never brought it up ever...
My IL's are very careful how they speak to my parents or about them now...

So there you go...

Feb Born replied. Hi primrose flower,
Your story is really shocking. I mean you seem to be an educated girl and U say u r good looking too..So why are you tolerating all crap from your in laws? I was shocked to read about the dowery demands of sofa bed etc etc!! I mean its really depressing to see all this even with educated and so called modern society of ours!
Anyways, in your case the best thing is that your husband loves and supports you. As augustborn mentioned, Indian men are sometimes afraid to contradict their moms so don't be scared. But remember, DON'T LET ANYTHING OR ANYONE COME BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND! You are smart girl. Try to play little diplomacy and put your point across. As I read in this forum somewhere that get a tag of bad MIL. This way nobody will interfere in your life and nobody will expect you to live according to them. Also, you have loving and strong family at your parents' side. So be close to them. Don't let your MIL ruin your relationship with your hubby.
You know primrose flower, Luckily I have very sweet MIL but I can undersatnd the feelings you are going thru. So be strong. Try to forget about the bad things happened in past. Establish yourself as a strong individual so that nobody tries to mess with you. You are lucky that u r away in US. So take advantage of this and enjoy your life woth hubby. But remember again, with little diplomacy, you can handle your MIl, only if you don't let anything come between you and your hubby.
Menawhile we are here to support you. vent your anger here if you still have:-) No One replied. This is very hard to reads because its very long and all one big long paragraph. Wish you had broken into a few paragraphs to make it easy to view. dil replied. I felt like I was reading my story. It is extremely difficult to forget these incidents,but you have to - divert yourself and use all these thoughts to be more strong, as augustborn mentioned take care of your parents and dont confide in your SIL also. Don't let these incidents spoil your relationship with your husband and remember you have make that relationship last.
Do things that interest you, be strong, this will make your parents also less worried. augustborn replied. Dear Friend
The best part about your story is that your husband loves you and supports you. That is half the battle won...That one incident where he tried to shield his mother is indicative of the common mind-set of Indian men. He does know that his mom was wrong in saying all those things and he also knows all the faults about his family but is too ashamed to accept it infront of you. You have made your displeasure known...let it be. He knows and he understands...
Regarding your SIL, I would refrain from confiding in her about your MIL. One never knows about relatives. Again, she may really be a nice and genuine person but why take a chance.

You needn't go back to India just because your BIL wishes so. This is your life and career. Noone should be allowed to interfere. Even if you decide to go back and settle in India(which again should be your preference and not someone else's demand), it should be on your own terms. People who insult you should be put in their place. As a human being with self respect, you can only give love and affection to people who reciprocate it. Let your MIL silly power games with you, just show your disdain and contempt for the same...she is not in your leauge so why bother playing...

The episodes which have happened till now, will be difficult for you to forget. Infact, you dont have to forget them...just use them as reference for your future interaction with them. By not inviting your parents for the wedding, for showing disrespect to them repeatedly, they have infact made your work easy for you. You know what you are dealing with. You surely dont have to get down to their level...just be polite but distant.
Make peace with yourself. Its easier said than done but try it out...
make yourself and your hubby happy and enjoy yourself. Love yourself and love your husband.
Pay attention to your parents, make up for all the bad vibes and awkwardness that your IL's are responsible for. Just because they are your parents, dont take them for granted...do things for them...it will wipe away all the bad memories they have had...and they will be proud of you and proud of the fact that their little girl can take care of herself and give hell to people who dont treat her well....:)

And dont just lurk there...post away...we will all be happy to see your suggestions and opinions...:)

Cheers!