Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

hi vd n augustborn,
the views put forth by you two regarding yellow rose's prob are really impressive. it is true not only for professionals but also for all of us. it is important to have confidence in yourself if you need to be in the front.
i am also an introvert. i just can't put forth my view in front of anyone(even though correct) and end up buying things of others' choice and even eating according to others. i can never stand up for myself.
though i am a homemaker right now but i will be working once we get back to india. but being a homemaker doesn't mean that you have to just keep listening to everybody, isn't it? so i was reading the types of books vd told since the past 6-7 mnths. but there is no result. the thing is that everything goes to the brain but there is no outcome. when it comes to practically utilize the knowledge, i am who i always was(doormat).
this affects me even in the home. whenever we are in india, my coSIL always takes away the credit for whatever i do. i always do tiring and time consuming things and she does just one thing and gets praised. even though she is not much educated(not even BCom completed) and i am an engg, but she looks smarter than me.
moreover i get very disturbed if someone says something negative abt me. like i can't dance and when i was asked to, at a wedding in india recently, i simply sat there and kept refusing. everybody laughed at me and made fun of me. is it really that imp to dance? now since that time i think that i am inferior to all. such things happen all the time.
my hubby is supportive. he encourages me to talk. but talking is not very difficult for me. i can do that. there are these other things.
any suggestions for me? flower replied. hi vd, augustborn, saheli,
thank you all so much. you have really made my day. i literally felt as if i am with my own family.
i will always try to remember what each of you had to say. i will be the strong woman that i was(before marriage). and to tell you all, my hubby told me that he liked my smartness, education and confidence! i fail to understand where i have lost it.
i am an average looking girl with good features. but lately, my complexion has gone down a bit and i am having some acne(actually very few). and that was the basic cause of all the taunts and comments. but it is not going to bother me anymore. i am going to be least concerned for what others have to say. don't know what tomorrow has in store then why waste today.
i am thankful that i have now got new friends(so that i can bother them with my probs).
and augustborn.. i did my schooling at Mount Carmel Girls' School. where are you from? vd replied. Hi Cheer up.

Infact you are much superior than ILs. You do not have to change your self to meet their expectations. You are complete and you are a strong woman with many like minded people.

Don't underestimate your self.

I think you are beautiful and stay that way. Let them dress up as Ramlila.
YOu are cut above them.

Cheer up. We are with you. NOW SMILE. saheli replied. Hey Flower,
The solution to your issues are BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!!! If you believe in yourself then no comments in the world can harm you. And the more you live with in-laws after the initial tough period, the more stubborn you get and more determined u get to have your identity.
You don't have to be outright rude or stubborn but there should be that subtelty in your determination that others will know that you have a mind of your own. For that you don't have to be a sweet talker.
And please don't worry what others have to say about you. My sil's husband use to pass very cheap comments on me when I got married and came to US. Initially I was shocked to hear it but then I starting retorting back. Once he even threw trash on my face from the car's window. And all my husband did was yell at me as to why I opened the window. So when we reached the restaurant where we were all going to eat, I went upto BIL in front of my SIL and told him politely that please don't repeat this next time as I may do the same to him. He was shocked and so were all my SIL's. I have 3 by the way. He use to pass such cheap comments before that and after that day he just stopped doing all those things.
Well, he is in my bad books now.
So Flower when you believe in something you can do anything.
Take Care and discover your virtues....
Saheli flower replied. thanks augustborn, senorita and vd so much for your quick replies. it feels really nice and encourging to see someone unknown getting involved for you.
there are many such incidents. another one was when we went to india, we(coSIL,BIL,kids,SIL,ILs,me) had gone foe a movie ang were to go to a relative from there. but my BIL cancelled the prog by saying that 'her(my) face is not looking beautiful..her makeup has come off,don't take her now'. just imagine how i must have felt that time. so humiliated and embarrased. so hurt. how can you say such a thing to a person on his face?
then there is my MIL who though otherwise nice keeps comparing my coSIl and me. like my coSIL- she always does a lot of makeup and wears heavy jewellery and things...i on the otherhand am a bit simple. this is basically because i was a convent student throughout and no such things were allowed at school like bindis, fashion jewellery,mehendi,nail paint,...
now my MIL always says that the elder DIL is so nice to look at. i have tried but i just can't do gaudy makeup. she doest not respect the ILs much but since she is good looking, everything is tolerated. is this right?
i have cried all days since we returned from india. i ahve become so consicous abt myself. ifeel depressed and feel comfortable alone so that i can sit and cry.
abt my positive things:
1.i am helpful to the extent of going out of my way to help somebody.
2.surprisingly, i offer very good and practical advises to friends(have been told).
and i can't think of any other thing.
vd replied. HI Flower,

I agree with August born. First of all thinnk positive things about your self. Write them down. And I AM BEST- Motto

You are good atleast you know your shortcomings.

To develop confidence, please try to join a course-personality development, public speaking etc.

Ordering food is really important. See, you might commit a mistake once, but this won't happen another time. Please try out new dishes, so that you are aware of the menu. Try new cuisines, Italian, Thai, Mexican, Chinese etc. List is endless, this will boost your confidence when you go on official visits.

When you are cooking something new, declare before hand I am making this and tell your SIL to stay out. It might turn out bad, might be good also.

REgarding clothes- yes take out somebody you trust and take the professional opinion.Colours work magic if you know what suites you.

I personally feel, hair styles and wardrobe can make you gain confidence.

I think you are out of India, this is the best time to attend few confidence building workshops.

And dancing, lady this is the last thing to worry about. You might be good in other things.Take them out. Improve upon them. You think of a hobby and you have a course available. Make the best of it.

We Indians think courses are for children , but that is not true, you have to make yourself better. also, they will keep you busy and will keep negative thoughts out of your mind. senorita replied. Hi,

I have been a silent reader of this forum from past couple of months . I too have my problems with my in-laws. anyways that a seperate issue.

hey flower i read all that u have to say. I know there are times when i too know i am right , but can;t muster up the courage to say that in front of others. I wud say , beleive in urself...have confidence in ur way of doing things.

Nother thing, it;s NOT AT ALL imp to be able to dance . Thats not a neccesity in life , it;s just a perosonal liking & hobby i wud say..so don;t even spend a second thinking those who made fun of you. Just think of them as those ppl who have nothing else better to do in life . Tell me how many amongst them were even as half as educated of you??

Next time when u go shopping , try to take someone whom u are very comfortable with you along , like maybe a close friend, mother , cousin...OR better still go alone ...buy the stuff u like ...wear outfits that u feel u look good in ...beleive me it will mae u feel good about urself & will definately build up ur confidence ..

No one has the right to judge you...don;t bother if someone says anything -ve about you...if it;s someone who is very close to you saying it ...ponder over it ...do think they are right?? do you want to do anything about it??? if not ...pay NO ATTENTION to them...try listening to music , or ur favorite books.....& divert ur mind...in will be difficult in the begening but u will eventually learn to ignore these comments.

About ur co-sis issue ...try to divide ur work...& make it very obvious in front of ur family...so that they too know who;s doing what. Moreover when u cook something , just ask everyone at the dinner ,\"; i tried to make it in a diff way , how has it come out ? this way everyone will know that particular dish was made by you...you have to ve diplomatic with ur co-sis . she knows u never speak up , hence she takes advantage . Once she know , you too speak up...she will shut herself up...

when ever u go to a restaurant , choose a dish for urself...don;t let other order for you. u are lucky you have a supportive hubby..what else do you need? it's ur biggest asset ever...

take care flower...cheer up...make ur choices ^ decision known to other & MOST IMP BELEIVE IN URSELF.

hope u feel better ...

bye

augustborn replied. Hi Flower
To begin with I would like to ask you why you feel inferior...is it just that one incident of you not participating in a dance at some wedding? Well, 'every savage can dance' as said by My Darcy in Pride and Prejudice when he was asked to dance...hehe...trust me that is no reason to feel inferior...
1. You need to change your attitude in the way you look at yourself. A pinch of conceit will do wonders.
2. Whenever you go out to eat, you place the order. Its a small thing but trust me, very effective.
3. Your Co SIL takes away the credit...well let her, you dont need to compete with her. Dont even think about it.
4. Have you ever tried saying \";I am the BEST\"; to yourself...:)
5. Remember you are an individual, a unique one and noone is going to take that away from you.
6. As far as dancing goes, laugh off such incidents and anyways why do you think they have dim lights in disc's...haha...do u think everyone knows dancing there :)

Here's an excerise for you:
We want a list of all the positive things about you...

Cheers!