Friendships are lifelong bonds we share with the people we like and share opinions with. Sometimes we may not share opinions, in fact, we might be polar opposites of each other, yet we are friends with them as we like their company.
There are friendships of many kinds, from the innocent and sweet friendships we are a part of as a child who is just learning to walk, to the friendships we may have in old age where we share a cup of tea as we look back on our respective lives. We manage many relationships in our life, and most of them need us to be something or act in a certain way. In your relationship with your parents, you may feel the need to project the image of a “good” and “obedient” child, who does their homework on time or studies well or is maintaining their career well. Even when they are accepting parents and don’t force you to do anything, you try to show that you are happy and successful to not worry them. Even with your siblings, you may feel the need to be a sibling they can look up to if you are older or a sibling they can adore if you are younger. Even in the later stages in life, you want to be a certain way for your significant other or your spouse to fulfil their romantic expectations. And then coming back to the beginning of the cycle, except on the other end of it this time, you want to be a parent your children can rely upon. You try to display an image where you can support them and they can feel safe for you.
Friendship is one such relationship where you don’t have to live up to such expectations. That’s not to say that there are no expectations in a friendship because there are. But what this means is that you don’t have to hide or modify certain parts of your personality to be able to make them think of you in a certain way. A true friend, or a friend circle, will be accepting of you and would never judge you. Even if there are certain things about yourself you do not particularly approve of, or don’t like about you, they will not judge and rather help you work on it. A good friend group will always try to steer you towards growth, for you to realise your full potential.
Unfortunately, not every friend group is like that. Not every ‘friend’ wants the best for you. Friendship can be just as toxic as it is healthy in most cases. As stated before, sometimes we may interact with and form friendships with people who are nothing like us. This can go both ways. You might end up being friends with someone who tries to tug at you to be more like them, influence you into changing aspects of yourself to fit their ideas of what they think is good or right for you. Or, on the more positive side, you could find someone who is opposite to you in terms of how much further they have progressed in their journey of growth and will assist you in your journey in the same direction as well. And sometimes finding even like-minded people can be detrimental to personal growth if all they do is reaffirm your thoughts and opinions that you already carry and never challenging you, never pushing you to step out of your comfort zone.
The understanding here is, that friendships can be conducive to living a healthy and happy life or be harmful to your personality and individuality depending on how you approach these friendships. Mutual respect and knowing when to step back and give the other person their space are key indicators of a healthy friendship. Ones that work to your benefit.
Without further ado, let’s get into the three types of friendships you might come across, how they play into the direction your life takes and how much importance you should give to these.
1. Friendships of convenience
These are the kind of friendships many might not even consider as friendships, and would rather refer to as acquaintances. Usually, these kinds of friendships are not heavily reliant on the emotional aspect of friendship. There is often an absence of a deeper, more meaningful bond. It can be described as a surface-level friendship.
A few examples of these would be you being friendly to your neighbour. The thing is, you don’t really get to choose your neighbour. It is most probable that they are not someone you ‘choose’ to be friends with either. You try your best to be kind and warm to them, get along with them because it makes no sense to not. They are also someone who can help you figure out the things about the neighbourhood you may be oblivious to. There also may be instances where you may be out of town and you would need them to collect your mail and parcels. On occasion, they may be too busy with work and they may appreciate you taking their dog out for a walk.
This was just one example, but if you think about it, you will find many such friendships in your life as well. Be it that co-worker you are very friendly to, because they helped you figure out that software that one time, or the one that is friendly to you because you always bring in coffee for them when you go out for your own coffee run.
Regardless, it is a friendship of convenience, because you maintain the friendship not out of great appreciation for them as a person, or because you both hold the same ideas or outlook towards life, but because it is helpful to know someone in an otherwise alien environment, or because you live there and appreciate a place without hostility or animosity. The main characteristic that sets this kind of friendship apart from other kinds of friendships is that the moment it is no longer convenient, the friendship tends to fade too. You are not going to continue to keep in touch with your neighbour once you move out, and your friendship with your co-worker will also fizzle out if they are transferred to another department.
2. Friendships of pleasure.
These are friendships that you perceive as the ones bringing you happiness. These are friendships based on the pleasure you may derive from them. It might not make sense when described in such a way, so let me help you by giving you examples.
The friends you make at school can be classified as friendships of pleasure (if they do not eventually evolve into friendships of good, which we will talk about in a minute) as the friendships are shared on the basis of a joint exploration of the joys of youth. These are your friends that you pull all0nighters cramming the syllabus with. These are the friends you talk about that new book that you read or that show you have been watching with. These are the friends that you cannot wait to share the new music you have heard and what it stands for and why you relate to it. These are friends you spend hours and hours in football, baseball, or tennis practice in. These are your peers that are good to spend time with and whose company you appreciate.
Not just your school friends, but also your university friends you share your ‘wild’ years with or the ones who share your anxieties as you step out into the ‘real’ world.
These are friendships that are not devoid of an emotional connect or attachment. You do share an attachment with them, and you appreciate the bond with them. And many times our opinions and outlook might be moulded by theirs and vice versa.
But quite like friendships of convenience, these friendships tend to fizzle out once we no longer derive pleasure or happiness out of it. It might seem unlikely, but the thing is our interests are not linear. With passing time, our interests and hobbies change. As humans, we may outgrow the things we used to find joy in. And as we move on from the things we previously had a great interest in, we may also move on from the friendships that were based on the mutual liking of those things. That friend that you loved going to movies with, and then critically analysing it later with? When responsibilities clog up your time and you no longer have the time to go to the movies, your ability to nurture that friendship too eventually becomes something that you let pass by. You lose touch with friends from school when you are hurdled in your dorm room trying to face the challenges university throws at you. And you lose touch with the friendships that you made in university when you are running around trying to fulfil newfound adult responsibilities.
3. Friendships of the Good.
Unlike the previous two kinds of friendships, these friendships are not based on a reason, that when removed from the equation can lead to the collapse of the friendship. These are friendships made out of mutual respect and understanding. These are friendships that are not meant to be simple to take things from i.e drive value or pleasure out of, but friendship for the sake of companionship. Friendships for good are the ones most likely to persevere and stay with you for a long long time, maybe even a lifetime. The key to recognising these friendships is that they go past pleasantries and delve deeper into concern and actual regard for the well-being of each other. When you falter in keeping up with your end of the friendship, your friend will step up to make up for it, understanding you may not be feeling your best or that you might have reasons for not being as available, instead of blaming you for it or letting the friendship before. If there are times you feel not enough involvement from them, you realise that it is not because they don’t like you, but because they are a three-dimensional person who has to take care of many other dimensions of their life. This understanding and respect for each other as equals and individuals is what makes these friendships endure the situations that assist other friendships in fading away.
We face all three kinds of these friendships in our lives. If we were to do a value-judgement, it is obvious that friendships for good are the ones that last the longest, are meaningful to us and add value to our life. This kind of friendship is one we can truly rely on, and these are the friends who will have our back in tough times and happy times alike. But that does not mean friendships of convenience and friendships of pleasure are useless, or unnecessary. They too serve their purpose, even if in the big picture of your life they may seem momentary. They still add substance to your life in terms of the experiences they give you, and what you learn from those experiences. What you make of those experiences, how you choose to apply them in your life, is up to you.
All of these friendships are important, and in many ways inevitable. Friendships of convenience may sound crude, so friendships of utility is a much more preferred term. No matter the term it is referred to as these are also friendships to you have to initiate and maintain, if only as a symbiotic relationship where you both help each other out and that is that. Friendships of pleasure are also inevitable, humans are drawn to things that make them happy, and these are also friendships that provide you with fond memories. Friendships of good are the ones that you cannot artificially cultivate, these are friendships you fall into organically, and the efforts on your part to foster and encourage such friendships happen partly deliberately and partly naturally. It is just important to realise that there is a pattern to these friendships, even if some friendships may fall into more than one of these classifications or evolve from something surface-level to something deeper and more purposeful. The reason why it is important to do so - is so that you can emotionally invest yourself in these friendships accordingly, as you would not have an equal level of emotional and mental investment in a convenient friendship as you would in a good friendship.
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