Forgiveness is the process of coming to terms with something that happened and invoked negative emotions within you, and processing those negative emotions so that you can move on from it. Seems like a simple process, one that anyone can apply, but in reality is a little more tricky and not nearly as easy to execute the idea.
Forgiveness is excellent as a concept but when it comes to actuality, it can be very hard to be forgiving towards someone who has caused hurt or pain or even anger to us. If it was that easy everyone would simply figure out the magic key to being capable of forgiveness, move on from their grief, everyone would. Who would not want to simply leave behind negative memories and be able to move on with life, to much happier times? Because it is hard. It can be hard and sometimes even painful to entertain the prospect of forgiving someone who has deeply hurt us. But that is a hurdle we will have to overcome in order to achieve true peace from things that bother us.
Think of things that hurt us as wounds. If we cover it up and don’t give them the time to dry up and form the protective and healing barrier our body is equipped to, it will most likely turn septic or contract an infection. On the other hand, if you lay it open and let it air out and dry, you will help it heal. And if you keep picking on the scab that has been formed, not only will take longer to heal but will also leave scars. Hurt feelings and forgiveness are quite alike to wounds and healing. If you don’t process what has happened and try to shove it to the back of your mind in an attempt to not have to think about it, it will only turn septic. You may shove it to the back of your mind, but it will still find ways to poke itself into the front of your mind, disrupting your mental peace. You will be troubled by it constantly, and you will re-experience the situation and your hurt feelings multiple times. It will start to eat away at you, and sometimes you will find it difficult to bring up something that has hurt you after a good amount of time has passed because it might feel awkward. So, it is better to simply discuss it and talk it out when you are hurt. The quickest way to resolve this would be to clearly communicate what hurt you. That would be to leave your wound in the open for it to heal faster.
So, forgiving is essential. It would only help us to learn to forgive and let go of things, no matter how hard they are, in our journey of self-improvement. And yes it is hard, like most things in life, but a simple nudge in the right direction might just be the wake-up call you need. A little bit of guidance can help you figure this out. So here are 10 principles, steps or keys to forgiveness that can help you flesh out how to be more forgiving in the future.
1. Write down what you believe has happened and figure out what you need to forgive.
Instead of repetitive thoughts that circle your mind without ever going anywhere, a better idea would be to write down the situation or event that has caused you to be sad or upset. Writing it down would be a nice way for closure to your thoughts, once you have written it down i.e found an outlet for these thoughts, they will not stray in your mind and float around. Writing down will help the thoughts ease off from your mind and jump into pages, and it will also give you a tangible expression of what you have been feeling and thinking to work with. Writing something down also has a more ‘legitimate’ feel to it, and since this is something that acts like a record of sorts, you are also more likely to be subconsciously objective about it. It will also be a good activity to help organise errant thoughts.
2. Acknowledge your feelings towards the event.
Like we discussed in the previous point, writing down things helps you be more objective towards the situation. Once you have been approaching the subject in a way that is an attempt to be free from biases and your own interest, the next step would be to acknowledge and process the way you feel about the event. You may feel hurt, upset, angry or even feel attacked in the situation. Try to understand what specificity of the situation made you feel that way and understand that your feelings are valid as long as you can figure out what is it that you feel and what makes you feel that way. This will help you avoid such situations in the future and also help you communicate to the person who upset you, what exactly upset you so that they can steer clear from doing that again and ensure not hurting you.
3. Identify who is hurting from you withholding your forgiveness.
Sometimes we hold back on forgiving someone we have been hurt by, even if we have personally moved on from the even, simply to be petty. We believe that if we can hold out on forgiving them, they will realise the gravity of their mistakes and repent them. While the instinctual need to inflict discomfort at someone who has hurt us is understandable, it is time you identify who you really are hurting by not forgiving them. You may feel that you are making sure they don’t do it again, but at the same time you are also carrying the weight of the event with you, aren’t you? The longer you hang on to the event, and the more you let yourself ruminate about it, the longer you are inviting negative thoughts into your mind. The quicker you forgive someone, the quicker you can move on from the situation. Holding forgiveness hostage is also holding your own happiness and freedom of mind hostage as well.
4. Introspect and assess your contribution too.
It is very easy to place the entirety of the blame on the other person. Don’t worry, it is not your fault, our brains are a little too wired for efficiency, even if that means our heart has to do the weightlifting as a result. What this means is that we may place the responsibility of the situation on the other person because thinking about our part in it may make us uncomfortable, but it is still important to push through that discomfort because at the end of the day it will lead you to be able to forgive someone who has hurt you and be free from that hurt. Introspecting and analysing how we contributed to the situation, what part we played in it, not only enables you to understand where you went wrong but also reduces the amount of blame you place on the other person, which again, makes it easier for you to forgive them (at least easier than if they truly would have been entirely responsible for it)
5. Balance.
We are, for most of the time, reluctant to forgive someone who has hurt us because we don’t want them to repeat the behaviour again and forgiving them seems like you saying it is okay when it is not. This is fair, but sometimes you have to instead choose to communicate with them because they are not strangers, but your friends. We have to strike the right balance and value the friendship while also setting boundaries. We need to evaluate both the positives and the negatives of the friendship in the past, and figure if we truly prioritise holding out on forgiveness and making them regret is above saving the friendship you both share. The middle ground here is to find a way to forgive them without undervaluing our feelings, and our emotions. Once you find that right balance, it will become easier for you to be forgiving towards others because you feel secure in your forgiveness towards them.
6. Write a letter.
Confrontation. We all hate it. There are very few people who go out of their way looking for a confrontation, anyone who likes to get into arguments with the people they care about. And confrontation can be especially hard if we are just not an assertive person by nature either. But altercations happen, we get hurt, and confrontation becomes necessary, especially if we have intentions of forgiving someone close to us for hurting us because we value their presence in our life. If you think a conversation in person may escalate, or even if you simply think in person you may not be able to tell them completely comfortably what hurt you, write a letter! Write a letter detailing what is it that upset you and why is it important to you that they make sure to not do it, or say certain things in the future. It is a good outlet to express your emotions without having to worry about the response/reply you might get too much, as well.
7. Get rid of the toxicity.
Just get rid of everything that only serves to further upset you. Try to diminish any and every trace of negativity in your life. And forgiving people who have done wrong to you, ironically enough, is a good way to do this. Once you forgive them, regardless of their future or past actions, you are done with them. You have found your closure with them, and it is better for them to no longer have influence over you. Another way to get rid of the hurt you may be feeling or experiencing is related to the part where you write a letter to the person expressing what and why something made you upset. If you feel you cannot send them a letter too, and any conversation is unlikely to actually lead somewhere, do something to get rid of the letter. Bury it in your backyard, throw it in the water or burn the letter. Whatever you do, get rid of it. It would be symbolic too, that they no longer serve a purpose, and now you have completely let go of them.
8. It is a process.
Forgiveness is a process rather than an item you grant someone. Forgiveness will take you time, so don’t rush yourself. It is okay to take your time and think things through before you have come to a conclusion on whether or not you want to forgive someone. It is okay if you don’t feel like you can forgive them, and it is also okay if you feel like you can forgive them a little while later, you would not be inauthentic because you changed your stance on forgiveness.
9. Forgiveness is not equal to forgetting.
The biggest misconceived idea is that forgive also means forget. Yes, a fairly popular saying goes Forgive and Forget but that is the opposite of what is ideal. Don’t forgive and forget. Forgive them, but forgetting our experiences and their mistakes is just making us vulnerable for them to hurt us again. Remember what hurt you and remember their response to being called out for hurting you. This will be a survivalist life skill, because you always meet people who have the potential to hurt you, but remembering the ways a person can hurt you will make you feel more secure because you know how to protect yourself. Forgiveness is simply letting go of the unsavoury feelings and emotions attached to an event that doesn’t affect you as much as they used to.
10. Forgiveness is for you!
Forgiveness is important to grant to others because it helps them not feel guilty about what they did wrong anymore, helps them improve on things that they did wrong and now know better for, it may also be so that you and their friendship or relationship is still maintained and present in your life. But the biggest reason forgiveness is important is because you deserve it, you deserve to live a life that is not weighed down by emotions that make you upset, one that is free from emotional baggage and where you feel free. Forgiveness helps you achieve all of that for yourself.
You may also be interested in:
Sorry. Due to our site's regulations and policies, your message has not been posted. Our moderating team has been notified about your message. If the message is found to be genuine and still did not get posted, you may not post the message again as it will automatically get posted for you within 24hrs time (excluding weekends).
- The Indiaparenting Team
