What is forgiveness? What would you define as forgiveness? Because the definition of forgiveness is different for everyone.
Forgiveness, in a loose definition, refers to letting go of hurt and negative feelings you might harbour about a person or a situation. When someone hurts us, knowingly or unknowingly, or maybe sometimes the situation is such that you get hurt, it is very natural for us to feel a degree of resentment and anger towards those involved. Forgiveness is making a deliberate effort, on our end, to let go and move on from those feelings, either by processing it and giving it a conclusion or by brushing it away. Of course, processing it is the healthier way to reach forgiveness, but sometimes we don’t have the mental or emotional energy to do so. We are left with the only option of brushing it away and pushing through our emotions so that eventually we can forgive whatever or whoever hurt us. But brushing off these feelings instead of dealing with them not only invalidates your emotions and feelings about the given circumstances, but it is also very likely that these emotions may resurface when you are emotionally or mentally vulnerable the next, only serving to make you even more upset.
Then there is also the question of who deserves forgiveness. Sometimes we are hurt beyond consolation, the actions of the other person unforgivable, or at least hurtful enough that forgiving them or saying “It’s okay” is very hard. Of course in such cases, our first thought would be to never forgive them, which is fair enough. But at some point forgiveness becomes less about something we give the other person and more something we give to give ourselves peace of mind in return. If someone regrets their actions that hurt you and asks you for forgiveness, eventually you will forgive them, because they realise their actions or words were not right and they are unlikely to repeat it. On the other hand, there will be people who may have angered you or hurt you and feel no remorse or regret for it either, of course, you cannot grant forgiveness that has not been asked for in the first place. What you can do, is forgive them for yourself. Let go of any negative emotions you may feel over the person or event because the situation will likely never be resolved from their end, the only way you can move on and get rid of the negativity from that particular experience is by letting go of it for your sake. There is no point holding on to something that is hurting you but not affecting the other person in the least.
As our understanding of forgiveness can be limited, or it may be so that our definition of forgiveness can be something that can be counter-productive and hurt us instead of helping us improve and grow, we should work on improving our understanding of forgiveness for ourselves, if nothing else.
A psychologist, by the name of Robert Enright, developed an outline - or rather a step-by-step guide - of the four stages of forgiveness to help you steer your emotions in a way that leads you to a kind of forgiveness that is beneficial to you. These stages are helpful if you use them to journal, and if that is not your cup of tea - then it can be a conversation with yourself, to a plushie, to god (if you’re religious), or even a trusted friend.
The four stages of forgiveness are-
1. Process the anger.
Whenever someone does something that invokes negative emotions in us, most of the time anger is at the forefront of this reaction. This is because anger is the most rudimentary of our emotions, anger is the emotion that has the quickest reaction time. In other words, other emotions take time whereas anger erupts quickly. It has an evolutionary and biological root to it. Evolutionarily, anger is almost a reflex emotion, a knee-jerk reaction, because it is the emotion that equips you to protect yourself the quickest and in the most efficient manner. Anger helps you defend yourself, but that was an emotion that was useful when we were less evolved. In the society we live in today, conflicts and arguments need a little more finesse than what anger as an emotion is capable of because we don’t need immediate protection as we are not in immediate danger. We have heard innumerable times that anger clouds our judgement, which is true. And once you start processing that anger, you will realise that there are a variety of emotions underlying that anger that cause you to feel the way you do. It could be hurt, it could be disappointment, it could even be embarrassment on your end that anger overpowered as a defence mechanism.
This stage is quite possibly the hardest, as it involves you unearthing a bunch of uncomfortable emotions. But anger is like a wound, only emotional. The more you keep it contained and covered, the bigger the chances are for it to turn septic and infect you. Whereas opening it up and laying it out, letting it air itself out will help it heal. So take your time, write it down or talk it out, but find an outlet for it. Anger is a very uncomfortable emotion to deliberately let yourself feel especially when it is not coaxed out in an outburst. Even socially, anger is looked down upon. Anger is not an emotion that is particularly celebrated, which makes us think our anger is not worthy of expression. There also comes into play a line of thinking that makes us believe that our anger can get the best of us and that we can’t let it control us, which is true, but at the same time we have to figure out a healthy environment to express it, otherwise it will announce itself forcibly at the most inopportune moment. It is best to deal with it on your terms.
2. Decide to forgive.
If you have opened up that chest that you stuff all your “don’t-want-to-process” emotions in, and started working through the things that have hurt you or made you angry, your reaction would not be to forgive the person or whatever caused the situation. Which is understandable, as a first reaction.
After a point of time though, you will come to realise that these emotions that you have held on to for so long have not affected the other person in the slightest, but have unconsciously directed your actions and behaviour in some way or the other.
The reality of the situation is, we cannot make the other person understand that they have affected us negatively if it does not come from within them. We also cannot force them to empathise. But holding on to these emotions will affect your emotions and your mental peace. Eventually, it will also start affecting your physical health, as emotions affect our biology as much as they affect our brain. These emotions will put you under undue distress that will affect a lot of the systems responsible for maintaining your body’s homeostasis. A negative mood often manifests itself in your body with a change in appetite, not enough endorphins and neurotransmitters that are also responsible for regulating your mood. It is likely that you will grow moody as well. Lethargy and lack of motivation are both symptoms of prolonged sadness, irritation or anger.
We may not be able to convince our heart and hurt emotions to instantly forget and forgive, but we can convince our brain and our thinking to approach this rationally and steer at least our thoughts in a direction that leads to forgiveness. At the very least, we can think of the outcome of forgiveness and think about the way it might liberate us.
3. Understand forgiveness does not mean sanction.
We often believe forgiving a certain behaviour or action sends across the message that it was not wrong, or not wrong enough that it does not deserve forgiveness. Which is absolutely reasonable. It only makes sense for us to think that forgiving something in ways that diminishes the severity of those actions or words, somehow makes it less reproachable. But perhaps there is another way to approach the situation? Forgiveness itself means there was something worth asking for forgiveness for in the first place. In other words, the concept of forgiveness itself is proof that something that was done was not right because you would never ask for forgiveness for something that is right, would you? This means that forgiveness does not make it ‘alright’, rather it is a blinking neon sign that says “Don’t do this again!” An activity called ‘reframing’ may help you be more generous with your forgiveness. It is to take the situation that made you upset but to try and incorporate another perspective on it. It will help you see the other side, give you a three-dimensional understanding of the situation may be, without you having to lose sight of your own perspective (i.e without feeling like invalidating your own emotions). A small example could be, you enter your office angry. Why are you angry? Another car cut your path at a signal that could’ve been very dangerous had you not slammed the breaks at the right moment. Now, you feel angry because you got crossed, and you also probably feel threatened because for a second there you were in actual, real and physical danger. And your reaction and emotions here are valid. But let us try to guess why the other car might have been in a hurry. Maybe they were late for a very important meeting, maybe they were on their way to drop off their child at school for their first day and were late, maybe they were on their way to the hospital after receiving the news of a loved one in a serious condition. Reframing the situation to now also have other possibilities does not reduce the validity of your emotions or reaction, but does help abate your anger and make it easier for your brain and heart to accept that forgiveness doesn’t mean that the action was okay.
4. Let go of the emotions that you don’t need.
Once you have your brain on board and have convinced yourself you are willing to give forgiveness a try, you come to the last step. The step where you have to let the emotions that are weighing you down go. It is not easy, we humans are very attached to our emotions. When these very emotions, that make us feel whatever we feel, make us feel bad or upset while not actually helping us improve the situation in any way, are not really worth holding on to. Emotions are best when transient - when they make us feel what we are supposed to feel in the moment, what is an appropriate reaction, teach us what we need to learn from the situation, and then go their merry way. If we feel upset in a situation, we learn to try our best and not put ourselves in that situation again and save ourselves from future hurt or sadness. When we are happy in a situation, we learn to try and recreate such situations so that we can find the same happiness in the future too. Once we have learned from our emotions, it is best to let go of them as they don’t really serve a purpose anymore.
These emotions attach value to the experiences that we have, and the experiences we have shape us into the person we are. Beyond that, any emotion that holds us down is not worth holding on to. Letting go of these emotions is the true conclusion to forgiveness, which does not only help you take the other person off the equation and not let them influence you anymore but also frees you from the memory.
While these stages seem centred towards forgiveness that you extend to others, it is equally applicable to find forgiveness for yourself with these. Forgiving yourself is just as important in order to be in harmony with yourself and live a peaceful life.
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- The Indiaparenting Team
