Planning a Baby  Discussion Forum

My problem is all the social embarrassment at not having kids. V have been married for 6 years now and trying to conceive only since past 4 years. Initially my hubby did not want to have kids for 2-3 yrs. Then when we started trying I had a miscarriage. After that my in-laws at all occasions would ask me why I am not giving them a grandchild. Now after 3 ivf attempts I feel its too much. Wherever I go , meet ppl, friends or relatives or even strangers in building or classes, I am asked why I am not having kids even after 6 yrs of marriage.

My mom in law behaves funnily in family gatherings. She will tell ppl to give me the blessing/ aashirwaad that I should have kids soon. Its very humiliating. Also my hubby’s younger brother had a baby recently. My inlwas told us that they were able to do what we could not. I felt like dying. Its embarrassing as in all family gatherings they ask me about her condition, her pregnancy, do you go and play with the baby etc. She is living in the same city. Frankly, I went once in the hospital to meet the baby, held him etc, but I can’t get myself to go to their house every weekend to play with their baby. My hubby goes sometime. After so many years in my 3rd attempt of ivf I had a positive result. My hubby was v insensitive towards my bedrest. He wud tell me I am sitting on my butt when whole house is a mess. He wud tell me to get smallest thing done by calling my parents (they live close by). My parents did almost everything possible. Like buying and getti9ng fruits, veggies for me, any other house stuff. But my hubby keeps shouting shouting at me. I was having a tough pregnancy low bhcg, etc. So one day I cud not take it anymore. He was shouting whole day u did not get this fixed ask ur parents to do this this…I shouted back- had a big fight- I blame myself as much as him- why I didn’t take it like I do all the time. And then he told me “ur behaviour towards my nephew is horrible. U hate him.” Even though I had gone to hospital, smiled all the time, posed with the baby, talked nicely to everyone, bought clothes for the baby, etc. I cud not take it – cried and cried. My mom had to come over- I had to call her. She helped me sleep- my hubby was feeling v bad then. But I guess damage was done. Next day again he shouted like crazy at me. And when he shouts he shouts non stop for 10 mins in front of servant etc also at me. I went to my moms. After a week I m iscarried. I was devastated and so was hubby. Now we want to try again but the strain is too much. I don’t know how to manage him and my reactions. I am afraid I will lose the baby again. Also my sis in law is having a function to celebrate the baby- how do I stand all the celebrations when I have lost my baby like 10 days back after being accused of hating other’s children. I am afraid I will burst into tears- also my mom in law behaves badly with me trying to humilate me. God I don’t know what to do.
ruvi replied. Hi Julie,

Its really sad to read your account. I can understand the pressure of not having a kid, and more so when you dun have supportive in laws n hubby. But sometimes, men dont know the ways to vent out their stresses n tensions. So give him time n your love and let him talk his heart.
I understand your depression very well as I' m also sailing in the same boat, married for more than 8 yrs wid no kid. But I must say, I have a really supportive n pateint hubby n a gr8 mom in law. But nobdy can beat your feeling of depression as you only know how depressing it is to not being able to perform a very basic function of reproduction. But as somebdy has rightly pointed out, nothing is in our hand. So let the life take its own turn and you, in turn, try to make the most out of it by indulging in the things that bring you happiness. I wud suggest you to go thru the wonderful account of a lady Ms. Purnima Mirchandani who adopted a girl. This is avilable on this site only. The article \" My Dream-My daughter\" is very positively written and since I' m planning for adoption, I found it really helpful. Dun be depressed....may be god has chosen us for giving our love n dreams to a deprived child. Just think of it....hw many people in this world are able to give all their love n lives to a child who has no connection to them?? We are blessed as we are people of god whom he has chosen n sent to look after the needy n deprived lots, the ones who arent able to look after themselves.
So dear...the blessed one...be happy and try to do the duties the god has given us...

God bless you n all the best!!!!!! jill replied. Julie,

Other members have given very good advices/tips. Adding to that, sit with your hustband explain him you need support from him. Have him talk to his parents and request them not to hurt you & provide moral support. You and your husband should understand peace of mind is very important for successful ivf.

These comments & criticisim and all are very common. People don' t understand feelings. Only way to get around them is you need to carry strong mental shield around you. Those comments shoule not get into your mind. Binay replied. are you at Jamshedpur Sanjana replied. I can clearly understand what you saying.Just forget about what people say to you.even you need to ignore your MIL' s comment.Just think you need to have baby for your sake not to show it to society.If any time people comment on or ask about for not having baby tell them they are hurting you by asking like that.believe me they won' t ask you next time about that issue.They talk like that b' coz they were not in that situation before.I know specially if you living in india..i would imagine the situation you are in..
-Start doing yoga, meditation to take away negativity out of you.
-May be join a part time job to devert your mind.
-Devlop some hobby like may music class.

Things are not going to happen when you are not mentally strong or peacefull.Talk to your hubby mention that you need his support to overcome this problem.

Lots of love anie replied. I can completely understand ur pain.I too am trying for 4.5 yrs.One of friend who was married 3 years later than me is already having a baby 6 months old.I am going through ivf.I also went to meet her and bought clothes for her baby.So I know how much it hurts.Please stay Positive and happy or else there is no use of spending so much effortand money in treatments.Maintain ur calm for the sake of ur baby.Best of luck.

anie Friend replied. hi julie, i can totally understand your feeling & the situation. 1st thing i would suggest you is to take a short break atleast for trying now. In this short break, make sure you are calm and also create oppurtunities to talk with your hubby abt ur mental state...You have not mentioned howz ur hubby otherwise when he is calm. If he is always like this and has never understood then u may need more time to make him understand. Otherwise it is definitely simple & possible...
Just ignore others words for kids. You would definitely get one when time comes. So dont waste your life & happiness just for trying. I would suggest you to go for Yoga to keep you calm & positive. Iam telling all this bcoz for few months when i felt for not having kids...i myself tried all positive ways to keep me happy & stress free and that gave me a postivie result. Ofcourse i had an understanding parents, in laws and hubby...But even if they are not supportive you can definitely be happy. Nothing is in our hands...Leave it to god and stay calm.
If ur hubby is a nice person otherwise, then i would suggest you to sit & talk to him to find out if he is also going thru any stress, bcoz also men go thru all this and does not show them directly. But before going in for the next IVF, make sure you talk things clearly with ur hubby and may be you can go stay with urparents during that time.
Hope this suggestion helps you. Do write to me in case you need any moral support.
Take Care.
-Friend Diva replied. Hi Julie,

I am very sorry abt your loss. I understand the journey you are going through.
Be positive, take it easy. The state of mind of mom has direct impact on the baby. So pls pls be calm. I understand the frustration of your huband too. Build confidence in him, keep the hope & be all positive.
All the very best for all your future attempts....
Diva