Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi Guys,
I have been a regular reader of this site but never posted anything. Yesterday I read some remarks from an anonymous reader and Rani (Counseller), and it made me think and share my story too..
I am 31, MBA and married for 8 years. At the time of marriage in my family I had my MIL, 2 unmarried SILs, 1 married SIL, and and unmarried BIL. So it was a large family.
In my family, i had seen my mom and grandmom having a nice relationship. I remember they also had their dofference s of opinions, but I saw my mom always handled it well. I would say little bit of diplomacy doesn't hurt. If she knew, my grandmom will get angry by something, she wouldn't tell her that.
So i knew little bit about MIL DIL relationship. I had a bua and saw that my grandma is close to her than my mom. Its obvios daugheter is daughter and DIl is DIL. But to the credit of my grandmom, she never let my mom feel left out or something..
Anyways coming back to my story, when i came to my inlaws' place, i immideately knew that i have to deal in this household with very much care. My 2 SILs were lazy and because they both were going to college, they never used to help my MIL in household work. Initially I used to get pissed that why I have to do all the work whilte these 2 are having fun. But instead of bickering or fighting or complaining to my hubby, i saw an opportunity. I thought this will be an experiment. Ofcourse I had to work hard but I just thought to take a chance. I thought to give my career a break and build my position in house.
I used to do all household work, MIL, Tel Malish in hair, SILs' room cleaning, washing clothes, preparing food etc. I saw my hubby was very moved and he started asking my SIL for tea or wter after coming from office. When they saw their brother is not supporting their lazyness they turned to MIL to complain but by that time, my MIL was used to be so dependent on me for all her small needs that she couldn't afford to say anything to upset me. She advised my SILs to help in the kitchen or at least take care of thier own room and clothes! I would say I was lucky that my MIL was not all that bad, but my SILs gave me real hard time. But friends, as our elders have said, patient is a virtue, I just waited for some time to create an impression that I was the most seedhi saadi bahu and actually mu hubby trusted me blindly. I never complined so if ever I said anything about somebody in the household he used to believe me and after some time he was able to socl my SIls for their behaviour, My MIL also got to know that if she scolds me , i will not take it and because she saw me working hard and never complaing, she didn't have guts to blame me for naything, or blame me for enticing my husband.
Now comes the fun pasrt, after one year or so, my BIL got married. Now all my family members were used to a bahu who will do everything without complaing. So when My BILs wife came in I asked my MIL if I could start working again becaus enow the new bahu will be there to take care of household things and also my SILs were there. Because they assumed seeing me that new bahu will also be like me they said yes. I got a ajob. and It really helped me getting a break and time for myself.
My BIl's wife is a sweet lady, but as most of Indian girls are, she was not ready to compromise or I should say she was not smart enough to understand the situation and have some patient. She used to complain to my BIL from day forst. Nad my BIL had seen me so he used to get upset with this. I tried to co-operate with my New SIL, on weekends i would take charge of work and she would be sooooooooooooo happy. Now because i had good relationship with my SIL( I think if two DILs are in a house can be together, they can face the MIL and SIL's behaviour better) and so I asked her not to fight with my BIL and just wait, take him into confidence and create an impression that you would not complain without reason. If you complain about each and every little things to ur hubby he won't take any complaint seriously. My SIL understood this. After 6 months we both were total incharge of household. Though my MIl and SILs tried to create difference between me and my SIL (BIL's wife) but we knew it wil make us weak. So after some time, we will pressurize our SIL to do their own work and once a while help us in the kitchen. We took responsibilty for our MIls care and ofcourse our hubbys too and asked SILs to clean their own room etc. Now because we both had good relationship, my hubby and BIl were also happy and took our sides if there was any trouble.
Cutting to the chase, I would like to say that my SILs couldn't bother us and now they both are married. I am working and so is my SIL. I have 2 sons and my SIL hs a daughetr. My MIL is more than happy to take care of them as my sil is a teacher and has plenty of time to help MIl. I am earning well and try to help in household financially so that my less contribution timewise could be compensated.
I know it sounds so easy and rosy but believe me initial one year was hell. Sometimes I used to think I am a coward, but I gave myself time ki agar ek saal mein situation nahi badli to I will fight to death with my hubby to love separately from the family. But It worked out well and i think if i were living alone, i would have never been able to take cre of 2 boys and my job simultaneously. So after one year of \";sacrifice\"; I got a lifetime of freedom and happiness!
My story would seem to be a timid/coward/backward approach to some readers but belive me it helped me.
Hope you all will overcome the bad behaviours of Inlaws if you face any and will be able to lead ur life on ur terms.
Lemme say it again..Diplomacy is the key and sometimes we have to plan and play games:-)like i did...
Best wishes,
Rashmi
Virginia Girl replied. Wow! What a nice story! What an impressive battle for control and respect in the IL house. How lucky that SL was for having you there to support her and help her too. What wise thinking. I wish I could do that. augustborn replied. Hi Rashmi
We understand the you will have your own time constraits and ofcourse the time zone difference, so whenever its convenient to you, do drop in a line.
I am sure we would all love to have you here.

Cheers! vd replied. Hi Rashmi,

I am impressed. I have been married for 7 years and realise that diplomacy is important.

There are two ways to say a thing. Just add little sugar when you are talking. But do not over do things. Take caution and make your presence felt augustborn replied. Hi Rashmi
Thanks a lot for sharing your story with us. I am sure many of us will benefit by your advise. Your patience and forsight really impressed me.
It was a brave decision on your part to quit working to make your place in your household and with God's grace it didnt go waste.

I have a request, could you please visit this forum on a regular basis and give your opinion about the different issues which many of us face. It would be so good and beneficial for us to have a mature(you have been married 8 long years) lady to guide us.
God Bless!
A replied. Hi Rashmi ,
I think you are a very smart and brave lady . It was very nice to read your story . Though it doesnot suit my situation but still hat's off to you for keeping your patience . Not to miss the physical hard work you put into it .
Very impressive!!