Parents of Preschoolers  Discussion Forum

What did you hear your 4-8 year old say that made you question the quality of your parenting? Swapna replied. My seven-year-old daughter who seems to have inherited my father?s genes (who was 6?4? and 165 pounds most of his life) looked at me while changing into her nightgown and said, ?Is my belly fat?? My stomach dropped, I was stunned. I honestly couldn?t believe it. What seven-year-old thinks like that? I never did. And besides her stomach and her entire body is so tiny and then I looked at it with fresh eyes and saw that maybe her ribs poked out a little too much, maybe there wasn?t enough of a little pouch where her belly should be? I knew where this all came from. It was me. It was all me. I had been in the hospital on IV steroids that made me gain 15 pounds. It was a lot on a thin frame and nothing fit. I had since been bedbound suffering from an intractable pain condition called trigeminal neuralgia due to MS and couldn?t lose the weight like normal. I?ve had to get IV steroids before and it usually goes away pretty quickly once you get back to your regular activity. But this stuck around. And I complained. A lot. Shamefully I admit pointing at my belly and saying god it?s disgusting, it?s so fat. I would only wear the same five sets of clothes not willing to accept that was going to be my weight from then on. I would look through my closet at my ?pretty clothes? wishing I wasn?t so fat to wear them. And Anya would be there when I did that. She would hear me say god, I want to wear that black top but I can?t with all this fat. I didn?t think of how absolutely literal young kids are. I also didn?t realize that even though it was supposed to be a joking ?fat? I did really feel uncomfortable with my body and she knew it. I know how smart and intuitive kids are. So, of course, I started with ?No, you are not fat! You are actually really, really thin.? That didn?t feel right either so I was kind of parent stumbling along without a handbook? I explained to her that I should have never said that about my body and put myself down. I explained briefly to her they gave me medication that changed my body and it made me uncomfortable but I wasn?t fat and I never should talk like that about myself anyway. She asked-said, ?But you are kind of fat right?? At the time I was a size 8 with a lot of extra weight around my middle due to health issues. I only give my size to show her distortion. I was stunned. No, I explained. I definitely am not. She was not convinced. And I was extremely unhappy with the way I handled it and the words I used. I met with a really good friend and told her everything that happened. She told me she used the words healthy instead of thin or heavyset or any body type. Aha! There was the key. And it wasn?t just one conversation after that. It was multiple conversations. I also went shopping with her and tried on clothes. I was positive about my body in the clothes I liked and just said, hmm I don?t like that style in the ones I didn?t. I found out her and a few friends talked about being thin and she brought it up to me again on more than one occasion. When she had her physical, her BMI was very low so I contacted the doctor who said she wasn?t worried right now because it had always been around that number since she was an infant but to check back in a few months. One day she came home from ballet and she explained why she needed a really thin belly for a certain dance move. She is just in a beginning class. All of these signs terrify me. Since her dad and I divorced at 3 (although we live in the same town and are on very good terms) and I?ve been very ill, I asked the school if they could have the social worker meet with her. They do it now twice a month. Anya likes it and I?ve heard nothing but good things so far. Anya and I are creating an emotion game and while creating it we play the parts we?ve made up. So, for example, she will land on lonely and tell me the last time or the stand out time she felt lonely and then I have to do lonely too. Then it?s my turn to spin. I?ve learned so many more details about her school this way. It?s been really wonderful. She cries a lot and always has which I tell her is totally fine. She laughs even more. We laugh so much my mom asks if we are sisters and tells us it?s bedtime, to stop what we are doing. She makes up songs, amazing soulful songs that quite honestly blow me away and I don?t know where the vocabulary is coming from because she doesn?t write like that. I tell her she can be angry at me. That it?s ok. But she never is. I?m so scared. Twice when I was much much younger, I went down to 89 pounds and had to look at a chart of faces to tell what my emotions were. I didn?t know and neither did the girls around me scrutinizing their papers. Did I already pass it on, did I do a horrible thing?