I had posted my message a few months back. I had a terrible time with my in-laws when they came to visit us in the US. I tried to deal with them sensibly and forgave them for all that they did to me during their stay here but they always picked on me and made rude comments. When I could take their crap no more I confronted them and there was a big fight. My father in-law verbally abused me. My mother-in-law told my husband that I should learn how to talk to elders and respect them. All fingers pointed towards me although they were trying to cause fights between my husband and me. After that episode, I have never spoken to them or called them. They are now staying with my sister-in-law who also stays in another state in the US. They went back and poisoned my s-i-l's mind also and she does not call me. If she calls us, she directly asks for her brother. It has been 2 1/2 months since the big fight. I was very depressed that my in-laws turned out to be wicked. Now my husband wants me to call and speak to his Mom. That is his request. I explained to him that I cannot do that but he insists that I should talk to his Mom and say Hi. He does not want me to apologize but just ask how she is doing and talk in general. My husband thinks by doing that I will have peace of mind and the hatred will go away. I really don't know what to do. Can anyone advise whether I should yeild to my hubby's request? Will I be doing the right thing by calling his Mom? I do not want to be treated like a doormat again. Please advise.
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Hi,
I had posted my message a few months back. I had a terrible time with my in-laws when they came to visit us in the US. I tried to deal with them sensibly and forgave them for all that they did to me during their stay here but they always picked on me and made rude comments. When I could take their crap no more I confronted them and there was a big fight. My father in-law verbally abused me. My mother-in-law told my husband that I should learn how to talk to elders and respect them. All fingers pointed towards me although they were trying to cause fights between my husband and me. After that episode, I have never spoken to them or called them. They are now staying with my sister-in-law who also stays in another state in the US. They went back and poisoned my s-i-l's mind also and she does not call me. If she calls us, she directly asks for her brother. It has been 2 1/2 months since the big fight. I was very depressed that my in-laws turned out to be wicked. Now my husband wants me to call and speak to his Mom. That is his request. I explained to him that I cannot do that but he insists that I should talk to his Mom and say Hi. He does not want me to apologize but just ask how she is doing and talk in general. My husband thinks by doing that I will have peace of mind and the hatred will go away. I really don't know what to do. Can anyone advise whether I should yeild to my hubby's request? Will I be doing the right thing by calling his Mom? I do not want to be treated like a doormat again. Please advise.
abc replied. You are lucky to have an understanding husband,many of the guys are puppets in their parents hands and will do anything they say, without having their own judgements. For this you did a good thing in talking to his mom.
savvy replied. Hi xzy,
I think our stories are so similar. I think you did mention that. It is exactly what I went through. Amazing!!!
shelly replied. Hi Savvy,
this seems to be the story of every other household. I used to be really tensed earlier.. whenever I thought of why should i do this? what would my husband do if my parents or brother behaved this way etc etc.. off course i never got an answer and it only affected me and my health. now all i do is call our in-laws once in a week to say hi hello. ready to help them whenever they need us. dont expect anything from them.. and then have an attitude of you live your life and let me live mine peacefully.. this way my husband is also happy as i dont always complain of tit for tat etc.. and I have won my husband's trust and love. so, just giving a call will not really make a lot of difference and dont you think you also felt a lot light after making the call. i hope we all resolve to be better parents in law so that such topics cease to exist in future..
xzy replied. Hi Savvy,
Sorry for responding a lil late. I am glad to hear that you finally spoke to your mil with such a great courage and confidence. I think it should make some positive changes to your relationship. And I also feel one thing that your husband must be happy with this action- he might not admit but deep in his heart he must be thinking that his wife atleast took an inititaive. This action of yours will help to strengthen your relationship with your husband as well.
And why you would say sorry when you havn't done anything wrong. My in-laws also feel the same way that I have misbehaved with them, but I know for sure that I have always respected them and never treated them badly inspite of the things that they should have not said and done. My fil doesn't speak to me and he strongly feels that I am a bad dil. He has said many adverse and unwanted things about me to his son as well. And guess what I used to think that he likes me a lot and has no hard feelings. But now I realize how wrong I was. I feel I was so naive that it never occurred to me that my fil who used to call me \";beta -beta\";, had so much poison and hatred in his heart towards me. And you know what, why he changed his attitude towards me -all because I do not have a healthy relationship with my mil.
I too hope that the next generation of d-i-ls also do not go through the same situation as we have gone through and I think , its our duty to make it possible and we should promise to ourselves that we will not repeat the same thing that has happened with us, otherwise one more dil would be posting a similar message on the very same board.
Good luck to all !
xzy replied. Hi
How r u doing? I wish u \";happy diwali\";. Did u call ur mil , if yes, what happened? Do post your msg- it can be of some help for other dils.
take care,
xzy
xzy replied. Hi,
I read your message and while reading it, I felt like that someone has written my story. The things that you mentioned in the message are exactly simliar to what happened with me sometime ago. I too went through the same situation. I was also very sad, depressed and disturbed after the incident took place, but now I am trying to change myself.
In my opinion, if your relationship with your husband is smooth and he is really a nice person, then you should say \";yes\"; to his request. If you think , he is a dominating hubby and doesn't care much about you and your feelings and his primary interest is his parents's happiness regardless of your sorrows, then don't call your mil. I feel that the relationship with in-laws depends quite a lot on the relationship with your hubby. A wife has to be convinced that her hubby does care about her.
I can give you my example- in my case, I know my hubby, if he ever asks me to do something like that then it will be mainly to maintain balance between both parties- not because he wants to make his parents happy at the cost of my unhappiness. Although there were some occasions when I too felt very hurt by some actions. But I know that he really wants me to love and respect his parents from the heart- not for some \";dikhava\";.
So now it depends on you, you have to make sure that the reason your hubby is giving you to call your mil is really true and he really means it. You have to find out that there is no other reason behind this phone call. And if you are convinced with your hubby's point of view, then there is no harm in calling them. After all your husband is also suffering from this.
Think about it calmly and then make a decision- beacuse it can affect your life in some way or the other. I wish you good luck. Do let me know the end result of the phone call- if you make one. I hope it brings some positive changes to your life.
take care,
xzy
g replied. If you know that its not ur fault, don't call your mil. It will seem as if you realized that it was your mistake and that's why are trying to patch up things. I know its difficult but try not to be depressed over this issue bcoz if you lose peace of mind its not going to affect your in-laws but only you. Occupy your mind in other things.
But if your in-laws ever call you to say hi start talking to them nicely.
2004-11-21
#1
Name: abc Subject: understanding husband
You are lucky to have an understanding husband,many of the guys are puppets in their parents hands and will do anything they say, without having their own judgements. For this you did a good thing in talking to his mom.
2004-11-20
#2
Name: savvy Subject: Same story
Hi xzy,
I think our stories are so similar. I think you did mention that. It is exactly what I went through. Amazing!!!
2004-11-22
#3
Name: a dil (xzy) Subject: yes, the same story !
Hi Savvy,
Yes I fully agree with you that our stories are very similar. I wish we knew each other personally- it feels better if you know someone who has also gone through the same situation and understands you better. She/he( I think I should not write "he", beacuse a man can never feel what a womans feels) can understand you feelings , emotions and provide support and comfort which you need badly at many times. Anyway we will keep posting our messages, our worries and experiences and try to solve these problems.
By the way, how long have you been married? I got married 2 years back and have learnt many things since then, specially some hard realities of life. I guess many dils go through this.
take care.
2004-11-19
#4
Name: shelly Subject: very hard
Hi Savvy,
this seems to be the story of every other household. I used to be really tensed earlier.. whenever I thought of why should i do this? what would my husband do if my parents or brother behaved this way etc etc.. off course i never got an answer and it only affected me and my health. now all i do is call our in-laws once in a week to say hi hello. ready to help them whenever they need us. dont expect anything from them.. and then have an attitude of you live your life and let me live mine peacefully.. this way my husband is also happy as i dont always complain of tit for tat etc.. and I have won my husband's trust and love. so, just giving a call will not really make a lot of difference and dont you think you also felt a lot light after making the call. i hope we all resolve to be better parents in law so that such topics cease to exist in future..
2004-11-15
#5
Name: xzy Subject: u did a good job !
Hi Savvy,
Sorry for responding a lil late. I am glad to hear that you finally spoke to your mil with such a great courage and confidence. I think it should make some positive changes to your relationship. And I also feel one thing that your husband must be happy with this action- he might not admit but deep in his heart he must be thinking that his wife atleast took an inititaive. This action of yours will help to strengthen your relationship with your husband as well.
And why you would say sorry when you havn't done anything wrong. My in-laws also feel the same way that I have misbehaved with them, but I know for sure that I have always respected them and never treated them badly inspite of the things that they should have not said and done. My fil doesn't speak to me and he strongly feels that I am a bad dil. He has said many adverse and unwanted things about me to his son as well. And guess what I used to think that he likes me a lot and has no hard feelings. But now I realize how wrong I was. I feel I was so naive that it never occurred to me that my fil who used to call me \";beta -beta\";, had so much poison and hatred in his heart towards me. And you know what, why he changed his attitude towards me -all because I do not have a healthy relationship with my mil.
I too hope that the next generation of d-i-ls also do not go through the same situation as we have gone through and I think , its our duty to make it possible and we should promise to ourselves that we will not repeat the same thing that has happened with us, otherwise one more dil would be posting a similar message on the very same board.
Good luck to all !
2004-11-10
#6
Name: xzy Subject: hi
Hi
How r u doing? I wish u \";happy diwali\";. Did u call ur mil , if yes, what happened? Do post your msg- it can be of some help for other dils.
take care,
xzy
2004-11-11
#7
Name: savvy Subject: Finally.... the phone call
Hi xzy,
Wish you a Happy Diwali too. I finally had the courage to pick up the phone and talk to my mother in law. I only did it for my husband's sake. I don't know how I did it but I had some inner strength. I did not say that I was wrong or aplogize or try to patch up, as I know that I never treated them badly. I just asked her how she was doing (she was ill sometime back)and talked in general. Yes, the hurt feelings were there but I did not have hatred towards her. At the end of the conversation she said "Thanks for calling". I told her she need not thank me and be so formal. I told her to say "Hello" to my f-i-l, who I know will never speak to me unless I admit I am wrong but that is not going to happen. My f-i-l does not speak much to my hubby and told him he has nothing to do with his son, as he feels that my hubby should have more control over me. I wonder if women were born to be dominated by males and their parents. Fortunately, my hubby does not feel that way. I don't know how long this drama will continue. To sum it up, I would say I called my m-i-l for our peace of mind and our normal lives to go on. I would just say it is very hard to forget and forgive but it does not affect in-laws as much as it affects the d-i-l's who are persecuted and have a life to live. I just hope and pray that the next generation of d-i-l's also do not go through this kind of persecution as we have all gone through.
2004-11-08
#8
Name: xzy Subject: hmmm
Hi,
I read your message and while reading it, I felt like that someone has written my story. The things that you mentioned in the message are exactly simliar to what happened with me sometime ago. I too went through the same situation. I was also very sad, depressed and disturbed after the incident took place, but now I am trying to change myself.
In my opinion, if your relationship with your husband is smooth and he is really a nice person, then you should say \";yes\"; to his request. If you think , he is a dominating hubby and doesn't care much about you and your feelings and his primary interest is his parents's happiness regardless of your sorrows, then don't call your mil. I feel that the relationship with in-laws depends quite a lot on the relationship with your hubby. A wife has to be convinced that her hubby does care about her.
I can give you my example- in my case, I know my hubby, if he ever asks me to do something like that then it will be mainly to maintain balance between both parties- not because he wants to make his parents happy at the cost of my unhappiness. Although there were some occasions when I too felt very hurt by some actions. But I know that he really wants me to love and respect his parents from the heart- not for some \";dikhava\";.
So now it depends on you, you have to make sure that the reason your hubby is giving you to call your mil is really true and he really means it. You have to find out that there is no other reason behind this phone call. And if you are convinced with your hubby's point of view, then there is no harm in calling them. After all your husband is also suffering from this.
Think about it calmly and then make a decision- beacuse it can affect your life in some way or the other. I wish you good luck. Do let me know the end result of the phone call- if you make one. I hope it brings some positive changes to your life.
take care,
xzy
2004-11-08
#9
Name: savvy Subject: Hi
Hi xyz,
Thank you for your advice. I think you are absolutely right. My hubby is a nice person just like your hubby and he has no selfish intentions. He just wants me to be happy and our married life to go on smoothly than to go on with feelings of resentment. Yes, I will let you know what happens. I just keep my fingers crossed. Thank you again.
2004-11-06
#10
Name: g Subject: husband's request
If you know that its not ur fault, don't call your mil. It will seem as if you realized that it was your mistake and that's why are trying to patch up things. I know its difficult but try not to be depressed over this issue bcoz if you lose peace of mind its not going to affect your in-laws but only you. Occupy your mind in other things.
But if your in-laws ever call you to say hi start talking to them nicely.
2004-11-11
#11
Name: savvy Subject: Hi
Yes, I have often wondered why men in our culture do not have to respect their wife's parents. I have read messages on this board where some women have mentioned that their hubby's have never picked up the phone once in their married life to speak to their parents but women are expected to call her hubby's parents and be nice to them. It is true that if this were to happen to the men they would put an end to the relationship with the women's parents or even the wife. It is just a male dominated culture. I have even discussed this topic with my hubby but there are no answers.
2004-11-10
#12
Name: a dil Subject: ask your husband
hi savvy,
ask your husband what he would have done if it was your parents who treated him like that. I am sure that u would not have even talked to your own parents if they treated him like your in-laws treated you. Why should it be different for men? Think about it.
a d-i-l
All tips on Parents of Schoolgoers
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& Answers to Topic : Husband's request
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All tips on Parents of Schoolgoers
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No need to go anywhere else.
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understanding husband
Same story
Name: a dil (xzy)
yes, the same story !
very hard
u did a good job !
Finally.... the phone call
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