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Role of in-laws:extremely interfering in laws

2010-04-13

Name: Tripti We got married 4 yrs ago and issues cropped up just 2 mths after our marriage. As per my MIL' s instructions, my FIL (who himself is very interfering) speaks. They would interfere by checking on our cc statements/ to where we go/ what time we come/ how much time we spend in the ROOM!! Initially I did not speak at all for the fear of my FIL (i used to go weak on my knees even while crossing his room), for the way / what is he going to speak. This affected my relationship wt my husband and after our son was born the problems increased for me. i had no support on raising him. If he is crying for some reason ...i wld not get any help.They only wanted to play wt him and when it was time to take care ....he wld have to be wt me....for changing diapers, even making him eat etc. I wnt into a depression fr 3 mths and finally we moved out to gurgaon after an argument. later after a few mths they also took anthr flat near us and started staying there. My husband and son used to meet thm over wknds but not me. However, after some time i only tried to patch up by calling them for our son' s 1st bday...to which my mil refused and snt my FIL. Not even my BIL was part of it. however, now we go every wknd on my husband' s insistence to meet them....which gets too much for me bcoz we hardly get time to spend together. my husband is dependent on them for smallest of things...from paying bills to purchasing household things etc. He cannt take financial decisions on his own. His father keeps a check on each and every thing. To the extent that he keeps him (my husband) financially dependent on him. now the problem is that my son is getting overly dependent on them. they r teaching him all sorts of things fromâ€¦nana nani r not gud. give him gifts which r spoiling him. he also insists that he wants to go to their house everyday. they make him eat anything which does not suit him and then falls ill. i tell my husband to tell them not to...but they wld' nt listen. i have suffered alot wt them but dont want my child to get spoilt. pls help how to i handle this.

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2012-05-10

#21

Name: MDL
Subject:

Hi Akash

Akashi I replied to another post of yours in the forum Joint Family. A post started by a lady called Devi. Would appreciate if you could read my post. My below post is in continuation. Let me know your thoughts. I' m not here to judge you or anyone. Just help me understand the situation better. Thanks.

2012-05-10

#22

Name: Mel
Subject:

I´ m navigating this site, quite tiresomely on my phone. Two typos....
Mel, not MDL
Akash, not Akashi
Apologies

2012-05-08

#23

Name: Mel
Subject:

Hi Akash

You' re the same guy answering on these forums... You need to calm down.

Are you venting again ??? Because if you want people to take you seriously then stop venting, and speculating.

2012-05-09

#24

Name: Akash
Subject:

@Mel

Well, I am not going to entertain biased opinions here wherein such people consider it´ s always fine to assault & malign the husband & his family and defend the wife/DIL & her natal family even if they are culprits.

I am here to offer an objective opinion after thorough analysis of the situation and NOT to please some people even if they are wrong.

2012-01-28

#25

Name: Akash
Subject:

interfering and dominating daughter-in-law

@NAINA -
is this some sort of power struggle going on ie. 2 swords do not fit in sheath. I am scared for the poor MILs whose DILs consider them as swords.
Does loving one' s mother mean hating one' s wife?

And cant' the wife step aside, why should the parents step aside and give up the control.
And doesn' t the guy have a voice let him also decide is he a puppet in his wife' s hands?
I don' t see any connection between the two.
What' s wrong with a guy loving & respecting his parents more than his wife? (that too is his parents are wonderful & nice people even then is it a problem)
What' s wrong in seeing the accounts of their son Why are they supposed to forfeit their right over their son and hand it over to his wife?
And, doesn' t the son have his own voice Is he ungrateful enough to allow his wife to take such big decisions for him that should have been taken by either him or his parents.
Sick mentality.
Who said the wife is the servant but atleast she should change the nappies of her own kid she hates her in-laws but secretely she desires them to be servants to her by doing such chores.
They have already done that for their son (ie. her husband) so now it' s teh wife' s (DIL' s) duty to do it for her son.
Why should they do that for their grandson Can love for one' s grandkid be displayed/proved only through performing such menial chores for the grandkid/ babysitting the kid ??

Leaving one' s family by a wife is far greater sacrifice than the man' s parents? Come on, at times many DILs experience such great comforts & pleasures at their in-laws house that they could only dream of at their own natal home.
The man' s mother already has given up her home at the time of marriage.
You have such a shallow interpretation of the love & sacrifices What about the endless sacrifices that mother made for 25-30 yrs of her life for her son.
You think you can ever outdo them??

NO, NEVER

Don' t you have a heart or are your merciless butchers ready to slaughter the relationship he has with his family.

And many of you women just don' t have a problems with his mother you have problems with his entire family (your brother-in-law, your sis-in-law) whosoever who adores him simply because you are guided by your inner insecurities & fears.
You know that you wouldn' t be able to control your hubbies or prospective hubbies in future BECAUSE you know very well that you yourselevs are not capable of providing the intense and beautiful love that his own bros, sis, mom & dad offer him amd it makes you jealous.
I refuse to understand why should wife be attain a position of priority over his parents for a guy. What' s wrong in being a second preference?
You are not among those INDIAN women that are known for being graceful, well-behaved, ready to make sacrifices for their husband & his family, respecting her elders atleast that is what an ideal Indian woman was supposed to be.

@JASMEET & @NAH -

Oh! All you women feel such sympathy for the self-proclaimed poor & oppressed DIL' s parents but you have no sympathy for the DIL' s parents-in-law.

Did you say something to stop the sick DIL who hurled abuses at her own parents-in-law (her hubby' s parents)on this public forum (even if under the condition of anonymity because it does reveal her inner ugly side). Is it alright to do so?
Then why should I be concerned about the DIL' s parents.
This shows your hypocricy and double standards whereby both of you think it fine to allow that woman by the name of TRIPTI to speak disparagingly about her MIL & FIL here but it is very wrong for me to speak bady about her parents.
Who' s the culprit here??
What' s wrong in grandparents giving gifts to their grandson does that mean they are spoiling him?
Gimme a BREAK from such a dirty logic & thought going on the Tripti' s or your minds.
I will again say that she is simply trying to defend her parents who don' t seem to fulfill their roles as maternal grandparents by putting the entire blame on the loving paternal grandparents. There is nothing wrong with them.
Their only fault is that an extremely wicked & ungrateful DIL has entered the family to cause family feuds and the son (he certainly is not a man because he can' t stand up for his really nice parents who are good to him & his wife too & has forgotten everything his parents did for him) is blindly following her deadly motives.

You are no-one to speak of my character because your reluctance to correct Tripti when she makes such cruel remarks about her MIL & FIL reflects quite poorly on your own character as a wife & DIL & most important of all, as a WOMAN.

2013-05-03

#26

Name: Malvika
Subject:

No subject

I dnt know how to react on you thoughts, but i just feel like laughing loud on your message......i would only suggect you not to get married if you still are a bachelor, because you are going to make a girl´ s life hell.....i guess you do not want a wife, you want a sacrificing slave who should be giving birth to your kid, raising him/her, nodding head to your family even if they control her life. And yes if you think that your wife should sacrifice for your family then your family should give her love the same way they give you no biasing nothing. A girl comes in a new family of more than three people with hopes of getting love, respect, sensitivity.....and if you all do not give any one of these then she would defenately revolt back.....she is a woman like you are a man, an individual who needs the same love and respect as you do. And i am sure if her parents start doing the same thing with you as yours do, you also would not like it so try looking at the girl as you look at yourself.

2011-05-04

#27

Name: Jasmeet
Subject:

HiTripti

Its really unfortunate to have such a family.
I am also going through a tough time in my marriage and I was just praying to God all the time that once I' ll have a baby I might be able to have my hubby' s support with me. But after reading ur problem i am afraid that if the things are going to continue like this, then i may loose my child as well.

@Akaash. Sir, can u just explain me that is this the love of our parents that will in turn ruin our married life?
If they are so much concerned about their child then why don' t they feel the same connection with the girl that has come to their dear son' s life for a lifelong relationship?
If they are so kind and generous then why are they so indiffrent and insecure with the girl of their child' s age?
Their are good people too but at the same time their are lots of insecure in-laws as well.
I dont want you to agree with me..but at least think about it before writing all that rude remarks for ' DILs' only...bcuz they are also living beings just like ur parents.

2011-04-06

#28

Name: Akaash
Subject:

very interfering & quarrelsome DIL

What is viewed as interference by someone can be defined as expressing concern for by other. You seem to have misinterpreted your parents-in-law' s love & concern as interference in your life.
Firstly , checking on your hubby is not your area of concern because he is their son first and your husband later.
So , you needn' t worry about it.

Also , remember that your son is also your hubby' s son and therefore his parents have some right over the kid.

It is highly appreciable that your MIL & FIL love to spend time with their grandson but don' t expect them to change his diapers , they are not nannys or servants. That is your duty as a mother & not theirs , or are you trying to say that either you serve my kid or else you don' t have a right to even play with him.
Women who expect their parents-in-law to be nannys to their kids are totally wrong in their process of thinking.

Could anyone tell me whats wrong in giving gifts to one' s grandson . It seems as though you are getting jealous
just because your son might be favouring his generous paternal grandparents ( dada & dadi ) over his maternal grandparents ( naana & naani ).
Its fine , if your parents are miserly or don' t have a heart big enough to gift their own grandson or may be they have a poor financial condition ( in case you weren' t born in a well-off family , its ok & hubby ' s family is rich ).
And who are you to invite your husband' s family to their own son' s house.Was your husband a guest at his parents house for all these years , then what makes you treat your inlaws as some guests that too in their own son' s house.Was this house gifted by your parents ( I don' t think so bcoz they don' t seem to be well-off or are too miserly to give gifts as it can be seen from you story ). Your MIL was totally right in not accepting that so called invitation of yours bcoz first her son ( ie. your hubby ) left him due to you & now you pretended to be a nice DIL in your hubby' s eyes by inviting them. They don' t need your invitation. Or did you have an eye on all those gifts that you thought your son will get & you secretly desired them.
Also, why is that your husband was staying with his parents but it was only after wedding that he left his parents. You might be feeling very satisfied internally that your hubby had an arguement with his parents.
Its not your fault but your husband' s fault because they were not your parents but his parents. Your hubby listened to you & cut off his blood ties for his wife. But let me tell you that this deep sense of victory within you might disappear when your own son does that with you one day.

Also , if your inlwas wouldn' t have gifted their grandson then also you would have surely posted on this forum complaining about their stingy behaviour.
Some women have the habit of finding negative within a positive & abusing their DIL & MIL without any reason.

You are such wicked woman but be scared of god and law of nature.

The lesson goes out to all the husbands that trust , love & respect your parents & don' t hurt them for the sake of your wives for what your parents have done for you , she can never do for you.

2011-06-29

#29

Name: Naina
Subject:

Extremely interfering Inlaws

@AKASH
i have Answers to everything you Wrote in your reply..let me start from this
" You seem to have misinterpreted your parents-in-law´ s love & concern as interference in your life"
Love and Affection can be from wifes parent as well and they will check girls Account only not Husbands will that be Accepted...?
After marraige Husband and wife Account is same ...NAd parents should not interfere in this matter atleast.How your parents specially your mother will feel if your grandmother interfere in their personal matters ..or same thing happen to your sister .problem is not that they are checking but problem is this that after checking they say its DIl´ s mistake why she is spending thius much.
When you are marrying your son it means you are allowing A girl to wenter in his life for whole life .Share her whole life with him So you need to Leave some control on your child.Because no two Sword can be there in one Myan.there can be one ruler .If you want your son always in your contrlo dont marry him and spoil someone ´ s life who has come after leaving her parents her family.

2)" don´ t expect them to change his diapers , they are not nannys or servants. "

Now where are their love and affection.they only want they only expect cant they help their DIL if she is tolerating you.
Even your DIL is not your servant.She is your husbands wife..going to stay with him for a life which your´ s or anyones parents cannot do..She is going to gave you an honour to be a father which noones parents can give. and hwatever your parents or anyone´ s parentas have done is a duty which everyone do So why parents expecting so much. and as far as this is concernec that when my son will do this..i know my limits.i will never force my child to be with me.i know that every Adult need privacy Gave them your love and dont expect ,uch they will love themselves because after all Respect need to be earned you cannot get it forcefully.
3) " I don´ t think so bcoz they don´ t seem to be well-off or are too miserly to give gifts as it can be seen from you story"
dont put such comments for anybody.

4)
" The lesson goes out to all the husbands that trust , love & respect your parents & don´ t hurt them for the sake of your wives for what your parents have done for you , she can never do for you."

your Wife is going to do more than what your paerents have done and she did also..She left her family her home for you..Dont you think its enough..SHe is calling your parents her parents..she will serve you for her whole life..dont you think thats enough
Can your parents leave their other sibblings for you..Ask them..they cant..but your wife left her whole family..she gave a son/Daughter CAnt you gave her a respectfull life.
i dont say that In laws should not treated well but if Inlaws behave properly and give some space to their Sons and DIl may be Situation will be different.But for such parents who try to dominate their Son and DIL this is what they Deserve...

and for oyu Mr.AKASH..you should not get married..otherwise someday your wife will write Blog like this that My husband dont love me...and care for his parents more than me which is BAD....:)

2011-05-23

#30

Name: Nah
Subject:

Ashamed of ppl like u

its sad to know tht ppl like u exist in the society.... who can never look beyond ur ownself.... i agree tht parents love and care for their children.... but loving and caring is wht we all DILs want... stuffs like brainwashing a child´ s mind against others, interfering in issues leading to misunderstandings between husband and wife are serious matters

One cannot turn a blind eye to things tht may ruin one personal life... and brainwashing a child... its horrific... its ur utter rudeness tht u address someone parents to be misers or " not so well off" ...

u urself have spoken of ur character... tht is veryy WEAK.......

u have no right to insult or make strong implications against ppl u have not even met....

Advice to u MR. AAKASH..... u have a nice name... prove tht and behave human....

2011-05-04

#31

Name: jasmeet
Subject:

shame on ur one-sided mentality

´ But let me tell you that this deep sense of victory within you might disappear when your own son does that with you one day.´

This means that the parents had also done the same with their parents that is why they are getting the same from their children.
Mr. Akash I just want to tell you that all people aro not alike. You are lucky enough as you had never been with such in-laws of your sisters/daughters. But you are very unlucky to know all daughter-in-laws/wives as bad or jealous only. pity on ur poor thinking for ladies..grow up...if u respect ur parents learn to respect ur wives/husbands as well.

2010-08-04

#32

Name: sonakshi
Subject:

hi tripti,
u r d mother f ya child n no mother can take it.actually u shud juz totally cum in front n say 2 ya in-laws dat they hav no ryt 2 saynething abt ur parents..bcz childhood is d tym ven seed of character is sown n if ur son gets bad habits at this crucial age den he vil never able 2 get rid of it.dis is a very serious topic as they seem 2 b a brainwash personalities..at dis point u shud b straight forward n tok directly 2 ur in laws.

2010-05-28

#33

Name: vidya
Subject:

hi tripti,
its very unfortunate to have such in laws . but its destiny. just ignore and dont take it too seriously. if u do so it would only affect your health. all hubbys dont understand these things in thefirst instance. i have twins and my in laws totally ditched me. i had suffered a lot taking care of them. thanks to my parents who had supported me totally . thse in laws r there only to create a rift and misunderstanding between husband and wife. they do not want you to be happy. dont worry. totally ignore them and also guide your hubby by telling and taking things slowly. Most sons are like that especially when there is too much interference from their parents. i am sure things would improve. its only matter of time . have patience and faith in GOD. He would take care of everything.

vidya

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