Dear all

My son will be 2 yrs old next month and he is not potty trained yet. I live abraod and the doctor here recommend that toilet training will be easier and quicker only after the child is around 2 & 1/2yrs. This is the time when the kids are able to understand and respond better.

I have been trying to train him as well but yet not suceeded. The kids in india seem to be trained quicker may be because of all the extra help available from grandparents, nannies etc.

The problem is next month im going to India, and im sure my MIL will blame me for not training him. Moreover, she will scold me for making him wear diapers even at night. However, i feel the kid is able to sleep peacefully the whole night with a diaper and it is easier for me too as i dont have to keep changing his lowers.

What do I do. Please help.


nisha replied. rebacca,i understand your mil & your husband has been good to you. its not the case the every indian family. in a an indian family its expected by everyone including husband to respect not only mother in law or father in law decision.they see to it that you are following it.when it comes to grand children you have to follow according to elders most of the times until they hear things from their docters.
There is no way we are supposed to explain our inlaws about the methods of rearing kids.also let me put to your notice i am staying in US and my american dr recommended me & forced me that i have to start solids at 4th months onwards. fyi i had excellent milk supply and my family dr who has been our family dr for years together told me that its ok if i delay upto to 6months because my kids were very healthy. i still bf my toddler and express upto 6oz after a year.

you are lucky that you have a understanding mother in law because you are not indian so its not at all expected or is at the least expected out of you to follow indian ways and traditions.my brother is married to russian lady, we have same feeling for her. we dont expect her to understand our ways of living because she does not belong to our country and its useless to be after her and get in arguements when the culture differences are so many.
but we feel happy whenever she does anything in order to respect our culture like attending functions even though she was not willing to attend, visit some people in remote villages at our home town,get social with other family members or listen to what elders are saying or follow my mothers instructions.But we never share with her the way we share or talk to our other sister in law to follow my mothers advices. it is understood that it takes time for people of other culture to understand our culture and accept it.so we dont mind even if she does any mistakes or answers like you said.
at the same time, elders do understand that when you try to explain the way you said like will try another time. they feel bad about it. they care about us and they try to help in whatever they know. and because they are experienced more than we are, its not a worth trying things that might spoil relations in future.

so i very well understand what you mentioned is positive and very good if you have a mother in law who understands it the way you want her to understand rather than feeling insulted.

Puja i very well understand your situation. and i have mother in law just like yours who would scold me if things are not done on time according to her knowledge and to be straight,according to indian ways.this is how i handle it. i tell her that i tried my best but did not succeed. the next thing she will do is help you(take an initiative to show that it can be done) potty train him.let her do that. with my first kid i did the same thing when i visited india. by the time i was back, my mother in law had potty trained my first toddler who was 1year and 6months. for us, its better to it go and let them try their best and take care of things instead of getting into arguements or making them feel insulted.instead for my 2nd kid also, i am planning to make a visit to india soon in couple months frankly speaking only for that reason.and this time too i will tell my mother in law that i tried my best but i am not able to potty train him. i would not mind if my second 1year 2months toddler would learn something before his time if its for his good only & i will be saving on $$ in diapers.and i really do not care what my mother in law will understand about me when i will tell her that.when people ask me why i was not able to do it, i tell them that in US we do it at 3years and mother in law wanted to do it according to indian style so i let her do that. its so simple to answer.
also, share with your mil openly that in US we have no help and it is difficult for us to manage things all alone.so you could not try your best even though you wanted to train him for his good.
hope this helped somewhat.
Rebecca replied. That is a tough situation to be in. It is a real clash of cultures one too, only your position is more ambiguous because you are Indian rather than American. My American identity has provided a bit of a barrier for me, mostly from pressure to feed solids before 6 months, which everyone here in India (except our pediatrician, who is up on the latest international guidelines) thinks is of critical importance.

I happen to have a wonderful and understanding mother-in-law who is mostly open to my strange ways of doing things. But, when I am nervous or want to head off pressure, I ask my husband to step in and back me up. Is there any way your husband can help? He really should back you up on this. I think it is also important that you explain to your mother-in-law that you have been practicing American methods of potty \";training\"; per your pediatrician's recommendations. Another approach is that of passive agression, just smile at your MIL's \";suggestions\";, say \";yes, yes\"; or \";what a good idea\"; and then keep doing things your way. Or stall her off, say you'll do it her way \";tomorrow\"; and then keep doing it your way. My MIL gave my daughter a rocker for her to sit in that is so poorly made with lots of sharpish metal parts, that my husband and I will not put her in it nor give it to any other child. We told my MIL our concerns, but she still thinks its fine. Actually, she loves it (to my horror). We have hidden it away and when she metions it we just nod and change the topic.
Any way, I'm not sure if any of this will help, but I do understand your fears. Best of luck, Rebecca