Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi All,

A background, I am married for 7 years, have a 4.5 yrs old son,am working part time and stay abroad. My IL' s visit us for 3 months every year and we visit them for 3 weeks in India for our anual holidays.

In the past 7 yrs the relation ship between me an d my MIL had gone to the extremes, I really hate her now.

My husband is their only son, and is a mumma' s boy. He dies out of guilt that he has to stay away from them and is not fulfilling his responsibility ( in terma sof staying with them), he sends them a decent amount of money every month and has also bought them a new big house of their choice.

I should accept that, I had gone through a lot of mental stress because of the expert manipulative ways of my MIL and did actions which are not socially acceptable or in any ways considered good.

In the last 8 months I have realised that becuase of my open hatred of my MIL and telling this all the time to my DH, our relationship was worsening, which my MIL was taking full benefit of and then she used to call my parents over and openly say that we should half divorce (means stay away from each other until we wish to stay together), which I put my foot downin saying no.
I also had to put my foot down to saying that she will not enter the kitchen or run any errands around the house, even pick up and fold the towel, even though I do not have ANY household help here. All this becuase, even if I do most of the activities and she helps a bit, when she leaves she tells my DH that she did most of the work and I helped her only occassionally maybe a couple od days in her 3 months stay, and my DH would undoubtedly belive it. She would aslo pick up any of my statements and make an issue out of it. for eg: if i left my son with her on my husband' s wish, and when I return if I asked her what did my son eat, she would say I do not trust her and that is why I am asking her, and moreveer her daughter does not have the guts to ask this to her MIL, how can I do it. ( I do not wish to leave my son with her and take her obligation)She picks up on any statement that I make and finds something neagative with it.

Before they were due to come here, I told my DH that now I realise we are all one family and even if we do not get along well, atleast the most important thing would be not to fight. I completely stuck to it, did ALL household work,even if she tried to come and interfere diplomatically, I just asked her politely to leave the kitchen. I am not talking to her with the fear and also because i do not wish to talk because of the past hatred.

My husband says that he is happy with me taking charge of the work and not back answering on any situation to avoid a fight, but i should talk to them with love. Somehow i cannot do this. Am i right.

In the 3 months that they stay here, they go everywhere with us, I am used to having my DH undivided attention when they are not around, but when they are around we hardly get time to talk.
This sometimes leads to complains from me for him. But no fights anymore.

The current scene at home is no fight but no talk between me and my IL' s , but when my DH is around i also participate in the talk.

PLs advise if I am right, or if i should do something better or...



janila replied.
Dear KR,

My heartfelt sympathies for you, but I do want to caution you on your obsession to your husband. You know as women we were brought up in a society/family which has only taught us to be dependents on our male counterparts – on father as a girl, husband as wife, and son as mother This mind set is the root cause of all the fights between DIL’s and MIL’s, since the same persons will be focal point for both a wife and mother at this point of time.

I was only wondering whether this kind of mind set is creating the problems, I can understand that your MIL point, but you as an educated women hopefully you are not stuck with this ideology.

Having said this, I guess that the cause of your problems is therefore your husband’s attitude and not MIL. I believe, he should have by his behavior and attitude made things simpler as wife and mother have distinct places in his life and are interchangeable.

I would suggest the following for you, you may try if you wish to:

1. Sit calmly and have a retrospect of your attitude first check if you driven with typical stereotype of a women
2. Don’t fight with your husband, because life is too small to love where is time to hate dear
3. But definitely be assertive to your husband about your expectations form him irrespective of whether his mother is around or not
4. I believe you need not fight with your MIL too, try to handle her tactfully and have empathy for her for not being an independent women like you.

Before I say bye, let me tell you that I am a working mother of two small kids with my IL’s living with us, which is likely when people from different backgrounds live together
bye
janila ... replied. Hi KR, What I think is, rather than being open about things, you should handle it diplomatically...in the initial years of my marraige..i used to face a lot of issues from my ILs side as well..when my MIL was here to stay with us for a few months she would drive me crazy..in the morning hrs before my husband went to office (I was on leave those days coz of pregnancy) she would ensure that when I had laid the table she would come..take the plate from my hand and go and give it to my hubby...and he invariable would be like \" mom you do so much of work..why dont you rest for a while\" and would tell me to take care of mom despite me being on bed rest...(and similar acts of \" oh! I work so much\" in the evenings too!! ufff)
the crux of matter...all guys are like this and take time to understand the truth...I never bursted out and talked openly about my MILs behaviour and slyness/cunningness...whenever we were having some very deep discussions...i would gently hint that she plays smart...

today things have become a lot better than what it used to be initially and I am sure it' ll improve in coming years

So the mantra is \" make the right move at the right time\"

Last line is very encouraging where you have mentioned that in ur DHs presence you involve urself in conversation....make your DH realize that mums are not always true and get on to foul play due to insecurity or whatever other reasons (it' ll take some time) but wll surely pay off.

Hope things improve

All the best