Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

I have a very gossipy mil and cannot confront whenever I want to. She simply hates my sight and in fact want us to leave the house due to which I am forced quit my job. sneha replied. hi anne

If thats the way ur mil feels about u i think its very difficult to change no matter what all good u do to her.If she wants to move out good for u and your family.
But no matter however far u go from them they have the nack of making ur life misrable.I stayed with my mil for 8 years and it was hell, i even had to spend a night out at one of our friends house.though we were sharing the same roof they would not talk to me for months togeather.they would gossip a lot , and i was made to belive to be some kind of a witch who is not taking care of her.Now though i am in the other part of the world ,i meet them just once in a year but its 'mahabharat' every time and i dread going back to india.
The best solution is that MEN (not boys ;-) should get married only if they can afford to live away from their parents and maintain a very cordial and pleasant atmosphere , where u meet them as and when required and can be there for each other for all good and bad times.I wonder if there will ever be a time when mil and dil's can be good friends,not that there arn't but majority still suffers.
But anne u got to think for urself, whats good for u.I was once told by a dear friend that we women have to fight our own battles dont expect any one (not even ur parents and husband) to be at ur side.So all the best and am sure u can be a much stronger person. Swati replied. You are so right Jasmine - The guys-become mamasboys as soon as they get married! Suddenly that oft neglected mom becomes the epicentre of their existence and that - I feel is the main reason for them to cause the rift between DILS AND MILS! The moms gather from this sudden turn in behaviour that they can now manipulate they dear beloved sons and MY MY how they do it! Experienced Bitches! Every single one of them!The sad part here ofcourse is that the son's turn out to be such WIMPS that it is best to put them in their places and keep them there and teach them a lesson or two on how to obey and behave with their wives as well- and according to me this can only be done when they are treated with sufficient disdain and made to feel that they are only excess baggage for us if they are going to continue to behave like mama's boy - I ask a very important question here - why do we marry these guys ? Not for having to fend for ourselves for ever after that as well! All those promises at the altar are forgotten when the bloody Mother shows her ugly face! Jasmine replied. NSK - are you a man or a woman? Have you experienced anything as to what has been described here? It is not easy to just sit back and take abuse of any kind from your in-laws. Why should we just listen? I tried your advice long back and guess what---my in-laws didn't change. I used to keep quiet thinking why should I make a fuss, why should I break the harmony. It hurt me, it made me depressed to the point I want to walk away from everything. Women need to start talking about their feelings because like you said, we can take care of ourselves adn you know what we are the only ones who will take care of ourselves because men sit by their parents, very few take their wives side.

NSK replied. Hi friends

This is and interesting topic for discussion.Everyone one of you is trying to show that you are right.I can understand Rahul,he wants peace in the house and ladies we are known to be strong at any any occasion.I know its too much to take but think about this.Desires are the main cause for your stress.What do you wish for.Unless you control yourself you cannot be at peace.If they want to rule,let them,you always win by loosing.Just give them the way,they will one day realise that it was wrong to be deamnding,dictating.Don't bring the men into this,They have no answer for their mother or wife.If you cannot live with them,just tell them politely that you want to experience the ups and downs in your own married life but support them financially and other respects and will also visit them regularly and not mistake them.If they want to create a scene let them,just be quiet and do what you've planned to do.They yell at you,thinking that their son has been taken by someone,its just that every human being is very possesive of eeverything in this world which is nothing but just material.Unless you get rid of all the material desires,you are not happy.Don't think you cannot lead a life on your own.You can and you will.Your husband is not the only guy who can take care of you.You can do it on your own.Friends please don't be offended.I'm just trying to say that get along with everyone,afterall we are all human beings and everyone's trying to live peacefully.

loretta replied. I think the best option for you would be to move away from such a mother-in-law because she will not change and it would be difficult to attempt to change such a person. I am speaking from experience. I have been married for 10 years. I lived with my rich in-laws while I came from a middle class conservative family. Ours was a love marriage and was resented indirectly probably since our class did not match. However I managed to put up with their behaviour, even with the way they treated my family. They were autocratic people. They made hell out of my life. How much can a wife who has left her own ailing parents take? to preserve my sanity as well as my marriage, I had to get separated and lead a peaceful life. But my husband being the eldest son, I make it a point that he fulfills his duties. Even after all that I went through, I help them in their hour of need. So the moral goes : Be separated, but do not forget your duties. That way everyone including your husband is happy. Jasmine replied. Dear Anne -

If your MIL wants you to leave and your husband is on your side, then pack up your bags and leave. Move as far away as possible.

She will never change. Swati replied. Dear Anne,

There are a lot of MILs who are different and many who will respond to being loved and cared for. It does not matter if you are living with them or away in such a case. Yes most guys would say their moms brought them up and so it is but natural for them to be possessive about them but then can you imagine if our moms were the same and also possessive about their daughters! Ha ha life would be one big battle of who can get more possessive about their ward! I don't know about you but if you have a nice understanding husband who figures that you are being dealt a poor deal then you both take a decision on this one. Yes distane is important and who said anything about completely ignoring your in-laws! Be good to them visit them often and give them a good time but when it comes to going back home go back to your respective lives and homes! This may help all the factors involved! Guys do get emotional about their Moms but they forget that there is someone's daughter also involved who might be suffering silently simply because she accepts her husbands home and everything as hers after marriage. Its not that distance can cause a complete breakaway from the family....It could also help you get more respect or disdain that depends on how you handle your in laws later. If you do decide to stay then try not to let things bother you and if you are easily perturbed by your in-laws actions then simply try to ignore them! I have been living away from my in-laws ever since I got married 21/2 years ago but there have been confusions and problems galore. I feel a guys point of view is always biased as they feel they have to please their moms. But in my point of view I would suggest that you DO NOT lose your dignity ever but in a nice and silent manner show your in-laws that they cannot have their way and get away with it. By silent manner I do not mean keep quite at everything ...assert yourself but in a dignified manner. My MIL tried to run my house in the beginning but I showed her it was not appreciated and I had my way ! So all the Best! Rahul replied. Dear anne
let me first tell you that i am a married male so my point would be a bit different. what i suggest is whenever you are not able to judge the actions of a person it is best to go and try to understand the psychology behind the actions. that way you would be able to understand people in a much better way. such problems are there in almost all families but that does not mean you quit as your other well wishers have been suggesting. otherwise all the old people would be left alone in old age homes including you and your mother too. what normally happens is sense of insecurity about losing her son and also becoming cynical which happens to different extent with everyone. suppose i were to go and live with my MIL i might also face same problems. living at a distance is the best but last resort. try to cope without changing a lot yourself. what i suggest to my wife is to just remember that she brought me up for 30 years through all those difficulties and now it is she who likes some control over family affairs and she will not be there always. just try to give her more control, try to spend more time with her anf if you have kids let them spend more time with her to keep her preoccupied. a kid in our case just changed all the things in our case. my wife says that my father has started interacting with her after the kid. and only yesterday was he talking to her on phone (she is away to her parents) for the first time. so i would suggest give it one last effort and try your best otherwise you can always leave but never come back when you have your own selfish needs. and if you do that may your kids do the same with you cause you will behave the same way no matter how strong you think you will behave differently when you are a MIL. BEST OF LUCK and SORRY if i offeneded you with a boy's point of view. but then you should see a picture from both sides. aparna replied. Dear Anne,
I have all my sympathy with you because I have gone thru the same. But I made one mistake which you should not repeat. I took the flat just in the next building where she stays. That was for the convinience of my baby coz her creche is in the same building. But noe I am facing different problem. In the morning she just stands at the window and waits till she sees me going to the office. The minute I leave, she enters my house and starts checking all my cupboards, kitchen cabinets, my fridge, all my utensils, what I have kept where, everything. Her son does not find anything strange in it. He says, she is just seeing, not taking away anything. She also goes on poisoning his ears against me. She does not have guts to come in front of me. I also don't want to see her dirty face. So I can't even shout at her though I desparately want to.
So please ensure that you take a house very very far away from her house and enjoy your peace of nind. priyanka replied. do you live with your MIL? you should move out! live separately. and just stay out of the stupid old woman's way!