Hi friends,
my problem is my in-laws are otherwise caring but think of me as an object who belongs to them, they dont like if i do something according to the way it was done at my home.
presently, i dont live with my in-laws( i live abroad).
Less than a week before diwali my grand mother passed away, and in our coustum, you are not allowed to do puja till 16 days of a persons' s death. so my father called up and asked me mot to lit diya since it was less than a week. but my fil got angry with it. he said after marriage i belong to them and my grandma' s death has no bearing in our family and my father has no business telling me what to do and what not to do.( he used the exact same language).
presently my parents are visiting my grandparents place. but when they are back from our village. my fil will tell my father. what do you think i should do?
my il' s ve insulted my parents earlier also.( my fil has abused my mom) but i ve controlled for my husband(who is very understanding)
i feel so irritated and frustrated. my aunts daughter also didn' t celebrate diwali for my grandma. i donno why its such a big issue for my in-laws.
Even that i made sweet and asked my husband to do the puja(since my il' s expected us to do) but i didn' t participate in it( as per my family members were doing it)
my inlaws are such control freaks.
Plz friends tell me : if my Fil lectures/fights with my father, what should i do? ( my father is extremely polite, i doubt if he will say something)
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Hi friends,
my problem is my in-laws are otherwise caring but think of me as an object who belongs to them, they dont like if i do something according to the way it was done at my home.
presently, i dont live with my in-laws( i live abroad).
Less than a week before diwali my grand mother passed away, and in our coustum, you are not allowed to do puja till 16 days of a persons' s death. so my father called up and asked me mot to lit diya since it was less than a week. but my fil got angry with it. he said after marriage i belong to them and my grandma' s death has no bearing in our family and my father has no business telling me what to do and what not to do.( he used the exact same language).
presently my parents are visiting my grandparents place. but when they are back from our village. my fil will tell my father. what do you think i should do?
my il' s ve insulted my parents earlier also.( my fil has abused my mom) but i ve controlled for my husband(who is very understanding)
i feel so irritated and frustrated. my aunts daughter also didn' t celebrate diwali for my grandma. i donno why its such a big issue for my in-laws.
Even that i made sweet and asked my husband to do the puja(since my il' s expected us to do) but i didn' t participate in it( as per my family members were doing it)
my inlaws are such control freaks.
Plz friends tell me : if my Fil lectures/fights with my father, what should i do? ( my father is extremely polite, i doubt if he will say something)
sr replied. Hi
Does your husband have a sister?
if yes, ask your inlaws that when they die, will their daughter not be allowed to grieve?
You have to be firm with such people.
aa replied. hi sad daughter, I know exactly how yo feel, my ils expect me to follow their rules, and completely forget about things that happen to me and my family. If anything happens on my side, it' s ok, but if its their side, we have to do so much. I just want you to know that there are so many people in your shoes, please do not be sad, grieve for you grandmas passing, god is always with us.
SG replied. U r living thousands miles away.
So why to tellthem that what u r doing for ur family if they r so insensitive people.
If u will involve them they will defiantly object or scold u....
And ur hubby has understood so he will not tell anyone what u do or dont do.
Keep good relations from both sides but dont try to mix them.
SG replied. Some inlaws r like that, they just want to impos their rules. Dont even think our mental state or emotions.
I had celebrated dushhera at my parents place for 24yrs but it wasnt celebrated at my inlaws place(as someone died around 50-60yrs back). My parents invited all of us on first dushhera after marriage.My inlaws create such a big issue before going to my parents place about not participating in pooja & all.
We can celebrate christmas,newyear, valentine, join garba or anyother religion prog for enjoyment. But cant we celebrate a festival which is in our custom becos its not celebrated at our inlaws place.
I feel all these issue & people who create them r very narrowminided.
Are agar padosi ke ghar mein bhi dookh hota hai to hum apni diwali theek se nahin manate..then ur grandma was so close to u.So what u hv done is right by heart..maybe not by custom.
But the way he said is very very wrong.
Just wait what he says to ur father.In between discuss with ur hubby & take his view...later if ur fil creates issue then tell ur hubby first to explain him that thr is nothing so wrong to insult ur father.
Afterall u will always remain his daughter so he has full right to talk to u.Ur father has not told ur inlaws to stop celebrating.
Dont say anything directly now as u hv done what u wanted..but for future dont share much abt what u do or dont do at ur place.Aur thode din baat mat karo unse. Agar phir se kahne to kahna ki ' papaji meri shaadi hone se mera affection for my grandma to khatam nahin ho jayega'
I always try to mk a pt that whatever i do or dont do, never tells them that my parents has told me to do. I say i want to do this way.
Our parents will only be respected if we dont allow anyone to disrespect them.
Take an eg that someone has accident on road...we quickly take him to hospital without first informimg police. Want dr to start medication first.By rule its wrong but by humanity its absolutely right.
So what is more imp.
Do share ki kya kaha unhone.
sad daughter replied. hi, sonu and DD
thanks for your replies. i also think i cant just give up what i ve been following for 24 years and start following new set of rules.
In this particular case, my grand mother is quite conservative( i am not, i dont really believe in any of the norms) but doing this felt like saying \" final goodbye\" and \" rest in peace\" to my grandma.
we dont ve any \" kul ka funda\" . anyways my aunt' s daughter who is married and lives in a joint family & didn' t celebrate diwali(her in-laws didn' t create a issue out of it)
my fil saying her death has no bearing on our family is so insensitive.
As far as traditions and customs are concerned no no know which is the right. there are so many books and every one follows it according to there own convinence.
we cannot sort out which custom is right and which one is wrong by discussing. My father ,my father' s older sis and bro and my grandpa told me to do this certain thing,these are the elders in my family. who else would i ask...and asking others is pointless..as if 2ppl say my father is right 2 will say my fil is right. there is no end to the question \" what is the right custom?\"
i think, if my fil says something to my father i will tell him what i feel abt the entire issue ,and not to create such big issue of this thing.
sonu replied. hi
I had the same problem....in june my mamas son who was 23 passed away suddenly and at the end of june it was my mil' s sisiters daughters engagment.
Technically i have heard that once u get married u have to follow ur inlaws side but at that time i did not feel like going as my cousin was only 23 years of age and i did not go despite whatever my inlaws thought....i do beleive u should do what u feel right for yourself is especially when someone passes away...it depends how close u are to this person.
About ur fil....if he is rude to ur father then i would speak up and not tolerate that...u have got married to their son and they do not own u u are just part of their family...they have no right to insult ur family...i suggest first u speak to ur husband and see if he can speak to ur fil if not then u should speak up as if u dont put a stop to it now they will think that it is ok to keep doing it.
How would ur fil like it if u father insulted him im sure he will make a big deal out of it then...so why is it different when ur fil insults ur father.
no one has the right to force u to do something u dont believe in.
I give u an example my inlaws cook meat and chicken on diwali and new years but i have always been brought up to believe not to eat no veg on those days and dont know anyone that does but my inlaws go that oh eating non veg is fine we are modern...lol what a joke as they force me to do all other traditional things...but i still dont agree with it and will not eat it if i go on taht specfic day to their house no matter what they think....if u have been brought up with certain beliefs then u cant change what u believe in just cause ur inlaws want u to....and to be honest in which bhagvat gita does it say that we should do this and that...all these traditions have been brought al long with the generations and changed accordingly by their convienence so who knows if any of this makes sense....always do what ur heart feels right espeically if u believe in somthing.
take care sonu
Dd replied. hi,
I know about that custom bcs it is same for us also. but what i know & i have seen alll these years is that when someone dies, ' sutak' - 16 days rule applies to the same ' kul' members. in our custom when a daughter gets married her ' kul' changes to husband' s ' kul' similar to like we change the surnames after marriage & so that ' sutak' does not apply to her after her marriage.
so your fil was right but the way he said was wrong. he should have been sympathetic towards your grief & could have explained it to u nicely also.
Personaly i don' t believe in alll this customs & i feel it is individaul' s feelings that matters. still if u want to clear your mind discuss it with some older family memeber from your side.
don' t take tension if your father is polite your fil will probably talk to him nicely & explain him the custom.
i am not sure what more u can do if he fights. may be u can discuss it wih your hubby & he can explain him not to do so.
2007-11-23
#1
Name: sr Subject: Hi
Hi
Does your husband have a sister?
if yes, ask your inlaws that when they die, will their daughter not be allowed to grieve?
You have to be firm with such people.
2007-11-18
#2
Name: aa Subject: hi
hi sad daughter, I know exactly how yo feel, my ils expect me to follow their rules, and completely forget about things that happen to me and my family. If anything happens on my side, it' s ok, but if its their side, we have to do so much. I just want you to know that there are so many people in your shoes, please do not be sad, grieve for you grandmas passing, god is always with us.
2007-11-16
#3
Name: SG Subject: Dont let them interfere
U r living thousands miles away.
So why to tellthem that what u r doing for ur family if they r so insensitive people.
If u will involve them they will defiantly object or scold u....
And ur hubby has understood so he will not tell anyone what u do or dont do.
Keep good relations from both sides but dont try to mix them.
2007-11-19
#4
Name: sad daughter Subject: HI aa
hi aa, thanks for replying...
it feels good when some one underestands ur pain and empathisies with you...
as my grandma, she was one of the most intelegent women i ve meet...if shewas in this time..she would ve been a very succesful career woman.i will always remember her..[I know this is not relavent to my prob, but i felt like sharing abt my grandma]
2007-11-16
#5
Name: sad daughter Subject: hi
The problem is our parents ve known each other for like 25 years. (they ve been friends, sill they changed after our marriage) and all our relatives also know each other.( my husbands nana-nahi are close to my dadaji and my uncle) etc..lot of family histroy.
So, i dont tell them and they come to know about this from others..it will be a very big problem.
2007-11-16
#6
Name: SG Subject: U r right
Some inlaws r like that, they just want to impos their rules. Dont even think our mental state or emotions.
I had celebrated dushhera at my parents place for 24yrs but it wasnt celebrated at my inlaws place(as someone died around 50-60yrs back). My parents invited all of us on first dushhera after marriage.My inlaws create such a big issue before going to my parents place about not participating in pooja & all.
We can celebrate christmas,newyear, valentine, join garba or anyother religion prog for enjoyment. But cant we celebrate a festival which is in our custom becos its not celebrated at our inlaws place.
I feel all these issue & people who create them r very narrowminided.
Are agar padosi ke ghar mein bhi dookh hota hai to hum apni diwali theek se nahin manate..then ur grandma was so close to u.So what u hv done is right by heart..maybe not by custom.
But the way he said is very very wrong.
Just wait what he says to ur father.In between discuss with ur hubby & take his view...later if ur fil creates issue then tell ur hubby first to explain him that thr is nothing so wrong to insult ur father.
Afterall u will always remain his daughter so he has full right to talk to u.Ur father has not told ur inlaws to stop celebrating.
Dont say anything directly now as u hv done what u wanted..but for future dont share much abt what u do or dont do at ur place.Aur thode din baat mat karo unse. Agar phir se kahne to kahna ki ' papaji meri shaadi hone se mera affection for my grandma to khatam nahin ho jayega'
I always try to mk a pt that whatever i do or dont do, never tells them that my parents has told me to do. I say i want to do this way.
Our parents will only be respected if we dont allow anyone to disrespect them.
Take an eg that someone has accident on road...we quickly take him to hospital without first informimg police. Want dr to start medication first.By rule its wrong but by humanity its absolutely right.
So what is more imp.
Do share ki kya kaha unhone.
2007-11-16
#7
Name: sad daughter Subject: thanks sg
it was heart warming to read ur post.
Once my husband tried to intervene in my issue with my inlaws( it was an extremly pitty issue, which my inlaws blew out of propotion)
And my fil told my husband that " u are nolonger my son"
he hubby was so heartbroken after that.he was in tears, he has given up. he just says do whatever u want to do and say what ever u want to say. i dont care about anything.
so i cant expect my hubby to convey anything, whatever talking is to be done it has to be done by me.
today is my grandma´ s 16 day puja, and i will go to a buddist temple nearby..i dont know what my inlaws will say abt that...but i dont really care...
lets see what happens..
2007-11-16
#8
Name: sad daughter Subject: thanks sonu abd dd
hi, sonu and DD
thanks for your replies. i also think i cant just give up what i ve been following for 24 years and start following new set of rules.
In this particular case, my grand mother is quite conservative( i am not, i dont really believe in any of the norms) but doing this felt like saying \" final goodbye\" and \" rest in peace\" to my grandma.
we dont ve any \" kul ka funda\" . anyways my aunt' s daughter who is married and lives in a joint family & didn' t celebrate diwali(her in-laws didn' t create a issue out of it)
my fil saying her death has no bearing on our family is so insensitive.
As far as traditions and customs are concerned no no know which is the right. there are so many books and every one follows it according to there own convinence.
we cannot sort out which custom is right and which one is wrong by discussing. My father ,my father' s older sis and bro and my grandpa told me to do this certain thing,these are the elders in my family. who else would i ask...and asking others is pointless..as if 2ppl say my father is right 2 will say my fil is right. there is no end to the question \" what is the right custom?\"
i think, if my fil says something to my father i will tell him what i feel abt the entire issue ,and not to create such big issue of this thing.
2007-11-15
#9
Name: sonu Subject: Dont worry
hi
I had the same problem....in june my mamas son who was 23 passed away suddenly and at the end of june it was my mil' s sisiters daughters engagment.
Technically i have heard that once u get married u have to follow ur inlaws side but at that time i did not feel like going as my cousin was only 23 years of age and i did not go despite whatever my inlaws thought....i do beleive u should do what u feel right for yourself is especially when someone passes away...it depends how close u are to this person.
About ur fil....if he is rude to ur father then i would speak up and not tolerate that...u have got married to their son and they do not own u u are just part of their family...they have no right to insult ur family...i suggest first u speak to ur husband and see if he can speak to ur fil if not then u should speak up as if u dont put a stop to it now they will think that it is ok to keep doing it.
How would ur fil like it if u father insulted him im sure he will make a big deal out of it then...so why is it different when ur fil insults ur father.
no one has the right to force u to do something u dont believe in.
I give u an example my inlaws cook meat and chicken on diwali and new years but i have always been brought up to believe not to eat no veg on those days and dont know anyone that does but my inlaws go that oh eating non veg is fine we are modern...lol what a joke as they force me to do all other traditional things...but i still dont agree with it and will not eat it if i go on taht specfic day to their house no matter what they think....if u have been brought up with certain beliefs then u cant change what u believe in just cause ur inlaws want u to....and to be honest in which bhagvat gita does it say that we should do this and that...all these traditions have been brought al long with the generations and changed accordingly by their convienence so who knows if any of this makes sense....always do what ur heart feels right espeically if u believe in somthing.
take care sonu
2007-11-15
#10
Name: Dd Subject: hi
hi,
I know about that custom bcs it is same for us also. but what i know & i have seen alll these years is that when someone dies, ' sutak' - 16 days rule applies to the same ' kul' members. in our custom when a daughter gets married her ' kul' changes to husband' s ' kul' similar to like we change the surnames after marriage & so that ' sutak' does not apply to her after her marriage.
so your fil was right but the way he said was wrong. he should have been sympathetic towards your grief & could have explained it to u nicely also.
Personaly i don' t believe in alll this customs & i feel it is individaul' s feelings that matters. still if u want to clear your mind discuss it with some older family memeber from your side.
don' t take tension if your father is polite your fil will probably talk to him nicely & explain him the custom.
i am not sure what more u can do if he fights. may be u can discuss it wih your hubby & he can explain him not to do so.
2007-11-23
#11
Name: sr Subject: Hmmm
Hi Girls
Do remember this rule when something happens to MIL´ s parents side.. of course she too has to do as her sasural o) Right???
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Name: sad daughter
HI aa
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U r right
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