Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

My daughter is 5 years old. Offlate since almost past 2 months we are having terrible problems due to her severe mood swings. All of a sudden she becomes very boisterous, starts crying and screaming for no reasons, specially when she finds that my husband or me are busy doing something else like and she is on her own, though this is just for little while like when I am cooking or he is doing some work, when she returns from school she insists she should change first and only then I or my husband should, somedays by mistake we change thats it, the whole roof comes down or whenever we want to go out, she starts crying saying no good dresses are with her though she has the best. She compares herself with me and though I dress simply she feels I like to dress nicely whereas she doesnt have anything to wear. Normally I call her Darling/Rani etc., and sometimes if I forget to address her that way and just call her by her name, she gets angry and says why cant u call me darling, how loving u were that time, why u r rude and not calling me darling and at that moment I get shocked to hear her talk cause she talks like an adult. During the past 6 months we underwent major changes in our living like we moved to a smaller apartment and all our things were sent back to India and we started all over again. However we have again purchased her the best of best things. As such We are really worried what goes wrong with her We are just 3 of us (me, my husband & daughter) and one major drawback in my family is me & my husband dont get along much and have heated arguments in front of her since her childhood and I feel it has had adverse effects on her. My husband is so short tempered that he doesnt know what he speaks or does while angry. Even at small provocation he starts screaming and goes upto mentioning that we divorce, though he never means such things. Deep inside he loves both of us too much and does the best for us beyond his capacity. I have even stopped working during the afternoon hours so that I spend time with her. What could be her problem. We make sure we give her the best and all the attention. Please let me know if these kind of fights at home in front of a kid of 5 yrs will have permanent impact in her character. i am really worried. please help me. DB replied. There could be multiple reasons for why your daughter might be acting out like this. The kind of behaviour that she is displaying is commonly called \";attention seeking\"; behaviour which is a sort of temper tantrum that kids throw to get what they want. The best way to deal with it is to \";ignore it\";. It does not mean that u don't attend to her needs. On the contrary, u do attend to her reasonable needs but at a time when she is \";NOT\"; displaying this kind of behaviour so she gets used to the idea that her needs can get met as long as they are reasonable and when she communicates them appropriately without throwing a tantrum. This is a difficult thing for parents but also an essential part of the job to prevent kids from becoming too pampared, which will eventually be harmful to them later on in life. However, at the same time it is important to remember that kids who seek attention, generally \";need\"; attention. Therefore, your hunch may be right. There may be deeper layers to this problem such as those resulting from a chaotic/unpredicatable home environment. Kids need safety, predictability at home from their caregivers. There is a theory that sometimes kids who come from violent, chaotic or broken homes, often blame themselves for this. Kids who witness fighting amongst parents, will often display acting out behaviours to draw the parents' attention away from each other and try to focus it on themselves. This is often a subconscious effort on their part to stop their parents from fighting or yelling. Remember, when kids see their parents being abusive to each other, verbally or physically, it frightens them, no matter how old they are. Another thing i noticed is the fact that u have moved. sounds like there have been some major changes physically and financially in your lives. transitions are always hard for kids. This might also be compounding the problem.
I advise that if you are really concerned about this sudden change in your daughter's temperament, consult a child therapist/counsellor. I am one myself and I know they can help.
In the meantime, try to establish some groundrules in the house around no raising voices at each other (goes for adults as well), using abusive language, demanding things from other through yelling, throwing tantrums etc. to minimize the chances of your daughter mimicking yours and your husband's way of interacting with each other, as well as to teach her appropriate ways of communication.
Hope this helped!
take care. zena replied. Dear Mother,

My only suggestion to you would be is that first & foremost U & Ur Hubby should stop all the arguments in front of your daughter, Cause somewhere in her mind your story keeps playing that's the basic reason she keeps behaving in a Bossy manner, What ever Quarrel U might have let it stop till ur bed & not in front of her, U could explain ur Hubby by telling him that ur fights is literally having a bad impact on ur daughter,I am Very sure she would change in a period of 15 days.