Name: saheli
Subject:
thanks! a healthy discussion
\" Hello everybody,
With all due respect to all the DILs sharing their opinions in this forum, I understand that life is not easy for a woman who leaves her home of 25 years or so to adjust to the new culture and family ideologies.\"
- o really? glad to read that.
Happy to see men thinking on these lines, sharing views. A clear 2 way commn between so called \" budhdhijivi log\" can only try solve these probs.
\" However, I wanted to ask all the sons and DILs a question of why they have a problem in having parents at their place? Specially the guys parents? Dont you think that they have an equal right over their son as you have over your husband? \"
- of course they have. u r right.
\" Most of the hindu marraiges of different cultures are pretty much the same. If you look closely at the marraige rituals, what they mean is that the daughter is married to the entire family and not only to the guy. His parents become her parents and his family becomes her family. That is basically the culture of India.\"
- u r right again. But u r forgetting one point. Its not just the girl who is married to family, the family also has a new FAMILY-MEMBER and not a witch/servant.
What you males forget is: IN A FAMILY, IT IS THE DUTY AND RESPONSIBILITY OF EVERY MEMBER TO MAKE THE FAMILY A SUCCESS. Be it your mom/father/even the kid. How many times does a father help in the house? How many times does a MIL share the load?
\" Based on culture and also ethics, i guess, its the responsibility of the guy to take care of his parents and his wife being an important part of his family also follow suit.\"
-True, but one sided again. Have u watched Kabhi Alvida na kehna? Preety zinta asks \" why does the woman hv to sacrifice always?\" and her MIL answers \" kyonki usme zyada takat hoti hai\" . How True. Bt it also has a hidden fact. That .. you men are not so strong to handle both parties. You breakdown soon, you ppl dont share your feelings, you ppl cant decide who is right, and even if u ppl know who is right... you dont have the guts to do justice.
It finally ends up in the female sacrificing but burning inside, and the guy doing nothing (by the way, how many of u guys really follow the point u said? .. do u do it?)
\" Dowry related harrassments, i understand should not be considered as that is wrong on the part of the guys parents, and i dont mind hanging them upside down and giving them a good spanking.\"
- 10 points to u
right u r!
\" But, the issue of privacy and independence. Dont you ladies think that they had sacrificed their privacy for their children, just as you would in coming years for your kids. Now, when its time for you to adjust, you want to get out of the responsibility in the name of privacy and independence? Thats the culture of the western countries, and there is nothing wrong in that, but in that case, why dont you follow it completely where a guy gets out of the house as soon as he turns around 15 and starts fighting his own life. Here, you want to stay with your parents till you are 23-24 and as soon as you become financially independent, you want to have your privacy forgetting that just like you were dependent on your parents for the first 20 odd years of your life, your parents are dependent on you for the last 20 odd years of their life.\"
-might be. But for most girls who start earning before marriage, i hv seen them pampering their parents like anything. Most girls are aware of what u hv mentioned above, and they simply love their parents and pamper them with the money they earn. So i dont really agree. Women like me, who earn, do that even after marriage..
\" Interfering is definately going to be there, but, can it not be taken in a positive sense and the parents told politely about it?\"
- Agree about interfering. Perfecttion is never possible.
- And u r talking about telling politely to parents about it? haha ... who are u telling dear? we wives? It is YOUR responsibility to bell your cats .. which u guys NEVER do.
\" Does there always need to be a fight between MIL and DIL? Specially, when the ladies are all well educated and have excellent manners? The problem, that i have observed with many ladies these days is that they are not able to accept the guys family as their own,\"
- you know, u r not quite wrong. Just like MILs, it is also put in the minds of DILs that in-laws are bad. And some well-educated females forget their etiqettes/manners/COMMOM SENSE/etc and behave like illeterate people by closing their minds towards ILs
\" so if his parents scold them, they think that no outsider is supposed to tell them anything.\"
- this is also right, but not totally. Because, the ILs (in laws) also keep finding faults and scolding/pointing the DIL ... and believe me .. this is more than they wd do with their children.
And everybody has own ego/self esteem (and some educated, earning women have it little more!)
U tell me honestly... wd u like it if ur wife's mother keeps suggesting and nagging you every 3 days? If u say u can take this, then u can expect from us.
\" Would they do the same thing if their own parents had told them something similar?\"
- YES, but if it is say 3 times for MIL, it will be after 6 times for mom. You or we ... we wd object to a nagging mom/dad if its getting on our nerves.
\" Also, i ask the guys that what is your priority? Your parents who raised you guys for more than 20 years, or the wife with whom you have spent less than 10 % of that time??\"
- heheheh ... sara jhagda yahi se shuru hota hai biradar. U men are weak, cant decide whose side. Even if some men see parents are wrong, they keep quiet. And yes, i m not saying they shd fight with parents. m just putting our side.
Another bitter fact is, parents wont b forever. Guys hv to ultimately spend life with wife ... and THEY ARE PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY DEPENDENT ON WIFE.... khana tak nahi kha sakte biwi ke bina ... revolt kya karenge even if wife is wrong?
Remember .. a man or woman needs a partnet MORE in his old age than any other time of life. And the foundation of this relationship is laid in early years. If start of ur relationship is negative ... remember .. the wife will take it forever and never forget.
\" By the way, i am a guy who respects my wife's parents however do maintain that they are not a part of our family, they may be close relatives, however, not an integral part of our families.\"
- why so? if u expect us to treat hubbys parents as our parents, why not vice versa?
what thought process made u decide this? If u think women is an inferior species, then u dont need to start this conversation at all.
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Alright.
Dear 'Job' ... it was good to see a man's line of thoughts on this. Because i m sure many of our's husbands think like u.
U r perfectly right in thinking like that for your parents. Pls take care of ur parents, they hv done a lot for u.
But remember, they are YOUR parents, not your wife's. They will NEVER think same as u for her. Take a simple example - see the way they treat maid/sabjiwala/rikshawala/shopkeepers/beggars .... the mentality is like \" these people suck us, bargain as much possible, and they have no respect/self esteem\" .
M not saying DIL is treated like that.
What i am saying is, these same God-like people forget simple humanity when it comes to 5 mins interaction with people like these. Why will they treat the age-old evil of DIL like their children?
Let me give u a more simple example...
A wife can think of adopting a baby from orphanage instead of havign her own. The \" motherhood\" is inbuilt. She will be like real mother as she develops bond while taking care of the baby.
Now ask her hubby ... he will say \" No adoption, because i wont get the feeling of my own child with this baby.\"
When you cant accept a baby like that (actually the bond lacks), why do u think InLaws will accpet?
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Wd love to see ur reply.