Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Thanks Priti, test and tanya for your recommendations and suggestions. I followed through - and God willingly things are looking brighter and can see end of a light somewhere. I feel much relaxed then i was earlier however there are still things which i am coping up with.

How things got improved:

* I have started pointing out suff that pinches me and whenever MIL uses scarcasm. I tell her politely that if there is a problem, please let me know and lets work to get a solution together.

* I have made my presence felt back. If MIL tries taking away stuff from me ( read snatching), I politely mention it to her, that mom this stuff relaxes me. If you are really keen, why dont you pick up other stuff that is lying around the house.

The problems i am still working on:

* MIL tries to gain sympathy among others by crying and saying that i make faces. Fact is i dont. I have mentioned it earlier but it gets hard ...Thankfully my husband agrees and doesnt go with the flow. The only thing i can see is ignoring such things

* She wants me to touch her feet everytime i meet her (day evening or be night). If i am occupied or forget doing it, she will make a fuss about it and start using sarcasm- like aaj kal ke bachon ko bado ki respect nahin karna ata.

* She doesnt say anything but frowns when i get up late on weekend

* I am not sure but i guess she also tries to fill in stuff to my hubby about things which i dont like. (I cant say much till i get some more facts)

Such things do hurt me.

Let me know if you friends can help me find some solution on these issues sonia replied. Hi, am not sure, but asking u to touch her feet whenever u meet her sounds like she' s on an ego trip. sounds a bit unreasonable to me! also why cant u get up a bit late on weekends, it' s ur life dammit. ia m not saying we shoudl not adjust, but after all this iS YOUR life. Adi replied. Thanks SG- but the closets here dont have locks and have no provisions to get the lock also. I wish it was possible!!

Talking of rude (please read my response) and you will understand that not being rude can bring up such a thing, then what will happen if i start being one!! I am just praying hard... Adi replied. Hello again.

Sorry for a tardy response. I was personally struggling for some answers on my own, but since I am not able to see any good solution here I am again, looking for advise and suggestions from you.

I thought initially that last couple of days were calm, as I had made up peace with my mind not to utter a word or complain whatsoever to my hubby. But it went all invain. Last night my hubby raised a big concerns - stating :

• I am not mixing well with his parents. As soon as I come home, I go to my room or do my personal work or go off to sleep. I should spend some quality time with his parents even if they are busy watching the Tv (usual saas- bahu saga which I don’t like watching at all) or programs that don’t interest me. He feels that I am not putting effort to please them or bring the family together which essentially is a responsibility of the DIL
• He also stated that I am being difficult and he has himself observed that my actions show the negative feelings or attitude I might have for his mother
• It appears to him that I put a fake smile on my face and have no respect or love for his mom whatsoever. He blamed me for being rude.

My counter facts:

Yes I have changed. I thought for better, but didn’t know situation would take such a turn. I changed my attitude towards his parents coz they use sarcastic remarks. Instead of hearing and burning, I keep myself occupied with stuff ( I personally don’t know or remember any actions that might hurt anyone). I get busy as soon as I get home and if there is no work, I hit the bed early. I started having min conversation with them at the same time, tried to complete my responsibility or duties towards them like greeting, serving food, asking about there day to day activities, asking to take care of their health etc. Last week we celebrated their anniv and gave them a surprise. The entire idea was mine and I brought them lovely gifts such as pearl set, leather purse and perfumes. All was my idea but instead of receiving recognition, my MIL pointed that the pearl set is small. Should have been bigger in size. She repeatedly says that “Badi ziddi ladki hai, meri baat kabhi nahin manti”. Have a lot of beliefs and keep on imposing to me like, don’t eat curd in night, sleep in that direction, don’t eat that specific dal on that day, don’t use bleach- it will turn u sawla, she even brought a neem ka sabun which she wants me to use. She repeatedly says that I don’t have a clean face and should use home remedies to correct it. I just hear it quitely, say “achaji” and try to change the conversation or slip away. Yes for the last couple of days I havent seen her entering my room but these allegations from my own huby has broken me apart. I feel stranger in my own house as I feel like a puppet. Yesterday out of anger (after these concerns go raised) , I busted out to my hubby that he is being too defensive and has become a mamma’s boy to which he said, ya if I am – so whats wrong in that. I mentioned that all this time I have kept quite and with this approach I don’t see why I should be like sponge, and may be i I will be loud (may it sound rude) but that’s the only way I wouldn’t let myself hurt. This made him so angry that he said that for a gurl who don’t respect his family has no place in this house.

Since then, I havent uttered a word. Even though my hubby apologised in the morning for whatever he said but I don’t know what to do. I felt like leaving this place forever, may be killing myself . Don’t see any option. My hubby and I had such a wonderful relation but I see it broken in pieces today. I understand that his mom raised him and made him wat he is today but then why did they marry him if they cant stand me right beside him? I don’t feel that I am accepted in anyway. I thought I would keep them happy but forget about my inlaws happiness, today I don’t even stand good a wife.
SG replied. Hi Adi,
I hv been reading ur post and nice replies given by priti.
Wanted to know tht ur in-laws will stay with u permanently or for a short term ?
Few thing i want to suggest tht if possible lock ur almirah when u go out.This way she'll come to know u dont like it and then if she creates an issue or not trusting them just tell ur hubby tht thr r sm private things which u cant share with them.U can say tht whn a girl is in her teens thr r smthings which has to be kept away from father now after marriage thr r always smthng which a pair want to keep away from rest if the family even thr kids.
Look at the fact tht ur mil is trying to act very smart and since u r working u r not able to take the house in ur hand or can say u also want to gv her respect by letting her rule over ur house but since she is being unreasonable u hv to be smarter.... like controlling ur kitchen by making list of whts required and deciding the daily menu...she can be the helping hand.
Tell them to enjoy their trip instead of working thruout the day.U can tell her tht its u who has to mng the house after they will go bck so dont waste thr energy.
Toching the feet everytime u meet in a day is ridiculous..just touch once in the morn is enough, even we dont wish our parents thruout the day or just pressure ur hubby to do same so tht he can understand u and might speak to her mother whn she creates an issue.U can ask him to do so in front of everyone by saying tht beta-bahu ek saman.This will not generate respect but a burdon on mind.
Getting up late is the right of every young couple until thr is an emergency.
Thoda sa subah ka break fast menu aur prep kar lo aur baki unka mooh banne do ..u'll not get this after a baby.

I think u hv to be rude a bit if she is crossing her limits...
keep telling abt ur progress.We all hv gone thru thses problem and sometime still after a many years of marriage.
Very few lucky girls get nice inlaws. Priti replied. Hi Adi,

You mil going through your bedroom is just not right. the more you are uncomfortable, the more irritable you will get and hence more negativity. don't get the wrong, but every person needs some privacy. The reason why i really want this to work for you is, the more you let go, there'll be a point when at 1am when you really want to go to sleep, you mil is in your bedroom chit-chatting with your hubby. Few things...

---your bedroom is your privacy. I am not saying that your in-laws can't come into your bedroom ever, but limits have to be set. Like if you are in the bedroom with your door close, then you must knock. what if you were changing? she can't just walk-in like she can in every other room in the house. I know you have tried to say it nicely and it has just aggrevated her and in-turn she is doing it more. So since that didn't work, you have to get at her another way.

---i'm not sure what actually will work, but try a few things. like if she is fixing your closet in front of you -- take the piece of cloth away from her hands and say, 'mummy, meh yeh kar lungi. mere kapde rakhne ki aadat aapse alag hai, aur aap jab apni tarah rakhte hai, mujeh apni hi cheeze theek sai milti nahi. aap apne kapde apni pasand seh rako, mai apni tarah seh mere kapde rakhungi.\" I think just like in the kitchen you had to hold onto the thing she was trying to take away from you strongly, you have to do the same here.

---i was seriously hoping that your husband will back you up here. but i think he doesn't understand the problem. he is not seeing that he is married now and his mom can't just walk into his bedroom like she did when he was 10. if you want him to understand the problem, I think you can use an analogy -- tell him how would he feel if your father came and looked through his finances, or your mother started going through his private things. I think you'd have to use an example of something that he is not comfortable sharing with others. i'm just throwing out examples, but what if you guys had a box of condoms lying around, would he feel comfortable, if his own mother saw that?

---I know that parents need to feel comfortable in your home, but you are a married couple, and even in india there is some privacy. so i think you need to find a good balance, like make it clear somehow that it is okay for them to come into your room to come chit chat with you, but the room stays as you leave it. if she wants to fix, she can fix the living room or something. I think the key is to find things for them to do while you are gone. so that they don't have time to be nosy.

---I know how this is difficult, because my mil did the same thing, she'd find things from god knows where and won't even tell me that she took it. not that she has to tell me every little thing that she borrows, but then I would drive myself crazy thinking I misplaced it.

--Again, it's all up to you to 1. make your husband understand. 2. set clear limits with the in-laws, because you are a married couple not a couple of 10 yr olds. 3. i think you have gotten this far with other things in the house like, kitchen, cooking, etc. that I think that you'll nail this one too. just remember, stay happy, centered, healthy and when you lose it, just zip it up, don't utter a word, as it is bound to hurt someone's feelings and you can't take back what had gone out.

I hope you have good thanksgiviing holidays if I don't speak to you before then.

Priti Priti replied. Nice to hear that things are getting better. You sound like you are so much more confident. About the problems that you still have -- the main one, being hurt by her comments -- you just have to accept them as they are and hope that over time, the more you ignore the less they will get. the biggest thing you have is your husband on your side, supporting you. just take support in that when she says things that hurt you. get a hug from you him you feel hurt, it will help. sleeping in on weekends -- i think you should sleep as much as you need. but i think part of that is, when you two are sleeping she doesn't have any company. so what i did in my case is, every now and then we'll get up early to give them more hours of our day. but most of the days we just slept in as much as needed.
i wanted to have everything smooth with my in-laws. but part of adjustment is to accept the frowns, and not let that hurt you. you didn't do anything wrong to feel bad about them, it's just that your mil thinks differently and it's her way of fighting back. and the only thing you can do is let it be and hope the frowns will go away.

wish you all the best dil se replied. Awesome!
I had red your message and its replies.
It feels so good to see situation improved for any some dil.

I always feel MILs are not so bad as human beings/mothers but when it comes to DILs they just lose their brains. Pata nahi kab tak chalega. Itna bhi nahi samajte that this thing is killing the so-good joint-family system in India.

Well, about touching her feet everytime, i think u shd also talk about it but after some time. U hv just started pointing out things, let them get settled and digested.

Its bullshit to expect touching feet everytime ... that is ideally done for God/Guru/Parents because they DESERVE it and moreover there is a reason behind it (you shd touch the first 2 fingers of the feet with your 2 fingers after thumb - this helps transmit the goodness or \" gun in hindi\" in them to us)

After days, tell her politely that u respect her for bringing up her son so well but u dont agree to touching feet everytime. (And then be ready for the drama she will create :)

Are u working? I dont see anything wrong if u getup late on weekends. Everyone has right to live life the wat he/she wants. We adjust on so many things, but some others are imp to keep ourselves relaxed and in peace. Dont care if she frowns.

Yes, when MILs start \" falling less\" in front of us, they start filling up their sons. The trick is to keep your hubby happy. Dont nag him or compplain abt mil. Enjoy ur time with him and dont forget to praise mil.

Same things happen with me too, and they hurt me. U cant change them. But lets be sure we atleast enjoy and b happy in our life. This time wont come again.