Relationships  Discussion Forum

Myself is an Engineer and is married to my old friend 7 years ago. We have a daughter 4-1/2 Yrs. old. Since childhood my daughter is very much attached to me as compared to her mother. I read a lot about child psychology and tries to implement what I read, as much as possible. It really pays! Many books (like 6 points to raise your children by Fisher Rosemond) gives you hints about how to handle your child in certain situations. Most important thing I have learnt till today about childrearing is that what u need to raise healthy child is patience and control over our impulsive reactions. Any child to whom you speak softly will listen to you and will definitely obey your instructions. I share everything I learn, with my wife. But she is not able to change her attitude towards my daughter. She is very impulsive about my daughter's behaviour and looses her patience within a fraction of second. Many times, whenever I m there I shows her practically how talking softly to child pays you. But no way! Result - my wife herself is driving wedge between herself and my daughter. I m also worried about my wife's behaviour towards my daughter. Sometime I feels whether my wife's this type of behaviour will slow down my daughter's development. I m worried about this, because her food habits are already going from bad to worst. Since my daughter's early days I was telling my wife, not to feed her forcefully, but as usual she neglected my instructions and now the stage has come, my daughter has immense dis-respect towards food. Almost any type of food! Even I tried to convince my wife through many paediatricians including our family doc. But of no use. I m not able to understand how to come out of this. Any body please can advice me how to handle my wife's behaviour towards my daughter and how to prevent bad effects of such behaviour on my child? nandita replied. hello Anirudhdha
Read your post and want to learn something from you.
I am a concerned working mother. I have been reading about child rearing from the net and practice all those things to whatever extent I can. My daugter, who is 3 is a very poor eater. Though docs told me she will eat herself, and i tried not to feed her once with bad results I am also usually force feeding my child, or feeding using some story etc. Specially because she is underweight.
In all other matters like reading playing etc I understand and follow the advice of book with excellent results
As all the text I have read, though have talked about not force feeding, No one has discussed How to counteract the problem and why it happens. I learnt that you know why your daughter has disrespect for all kinds of food. Could you share the source of your information ( the book site etc).Thanks in advance
Nandita shilpa replied. Hi
I think you have to understand the psychology of the mother here.Every new mother secretly has a feeling that she is not good enough and she is not able to become a good mother. And being a good mother also means having a child that 'looks'healthy. I think your wife is very stressed and extremely concerned about the childs eating habits.Bring up a kid is a very stressful job believe me. I think you have to see that she gets enough time for herself be it a walk or some time all alone.At the same time assure her that she is a good mom and the childs eating habits dont refelct her capability of taking care of the baby.Please dont critisise her on her parenting.Instead of using 'you' use the word 'we' more often
best luck Sheena replied. hi aniruddha,
u sound exactly like my husband! LIke ur wife i too am impulsive and tend to get frustrated with the kids. Please understand that most mothers' lives are centred around their children and that is their only reason for existence. Whenever anyone criticises us, we tend to take it personally. So my advice is, whenever u see ur wife doing anything that is good for ur daughter praise your wife. Tell her what a great mother she is. Show her u appreciate her efforts. Men dont realise how difficult it is to be with kids the whole day, 7 days a week, with no appreciation whatsoever. So praise her. Go out with her. Have fun together. And do NOT criticise ur wife in front of ur daughter. My husband saw me being frustrated and decided that he would feed my son. But instead of telling me \";YOu dont know how to feed our son\";, he would say to me, \";Honey, let me feed him, why dont u go relax for a while.\"; This tactic eased the pressure on all of us. I think this should work. It will also make her appreciate you! LN replied. I believe Ms banerjee has good suggestion. I read all posts. I think when you speak to all docs ask the doctors to give concrete suggestions to your wife like what to feed your daughter and what to avoid. Using force to feed will not work and she should stop that immediately. Some children are extremely bad at eating all kinds of food and maybe your wife is getting frustrated due to your child's behaviour, her weight, comments from friends/relatives abt your child's health. In any case your wife is NOT solely responsible for the weight of your child. I think she has taken it very personally and trying to make your child gulp food so she improves her weight and gets healthier.

Work on your child's issues like a team. Your daughter is 4-1/2 and surely understands if you tell her stories and make her eat with the whole family. Many children are fussy. Do you have parents who can help you with your child. In any case do not try to make an impression (unintentionally also) that you know better than her mother either privately or publicly. I think your wife has got it and so others may have. Arundhati Banerjee replied. Hi!

Its good to know a father keen on reading and learning more about \";ideal parenting\";. But are you not becoming a theoretician ... expecting a conditioned response to a conditioned action?

Have trust in your wife. She is a natural mother and as an individual she obviously will have her own way of tackling her child. I think in interest of the child you should stop interfering between the mother-daughter relationship. Else, I strongly believe your constant \";Let me show you what is right\"; is not only irritating your wife, but your daughter in course of time will never respect her as an able individual.

As a sensible father I am sure you would not love that.

Let your daughter also not find you as the saviour even when she is at fault... let them both feel that you are not the umpire and let them fight it out. I think it will take a little time but it should settle down in course of time.

Trust me... Try it out.