Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi dinu, I saw ur reply. Dont loose ur faith. God is there. He never lets any good people down. This is ur testing time. Try to think how to tackle the small small probs.Since ur typing in english i hope ur educated. And u r watching movies as well as news and serials too i hope. So try to take some good points as well as some ideas to tackle ur hubby and MIL. For example Suppose u want to make dinner for ur husband just go and ask ur MIL that what u have to do for the dinner then tell that now a days ur hubby is not eating properly. Then ask ur MIL opinion what he likes more as well ur MIL also. Try to make food as per MIL's opinion. Now here u have to note onething here u r making item for ur hubby as well as ur giving importance to ur MIL aslo. So automatically ur MIL will think that what our DIL cooked is as per our taste so she will feel happy. Second at the same time ur satisfying ur hubby also by giving him the best food what he likes. Ultimately u r satisfying both the people. Onething try to give more importance to ur MIL in small small things also. For example u r going to cook daily so before going to cook ask ur MIL what is the menu for today. Do as per her wish. Like this u try to ask each and everything to ur MIL. This has to continue till ur MIL feel's that our DIL is good. After that u see she will start giving importance to u. At the same time try to impress ur hubby by dressing properly while he is coming from the office. Try to give him a glass of water or coffee with a sweet smile. And try to satisfy ur hubby in the midnight masaala(Sorry to say this). And tell ur hubby that now a days he become smart and beautiful vice versa. U have to do this kind things to gain trust from ur hubby as well as from ur MIL. This is example only what i gave u can try accdg to ur situation and as per ur plan. Try ur best. We all here to support u. All the best madam. Bye. Catch u soon. savitha replied. why wld son or dil live separately when the can save money by not giving rent, they hv a ready made nanny, cook etc :-) & why mils let go of dils when they v ready made househelp(i don't want to use any other words)& also a continuos cash flow. i hv seen all this happen with various relatives & friends who live in India. Silver replied. hi friends, It's nice to hear u all again...

Yes, I too saw some DIls ill treating MILs. But know what, those who r stubborn and doesnt care abut relation can be rude and can suffer other one who care 'bout relation.
If DIL is soft and seem to be tolerating, a MIL can show what she is...and the same mil turns to be soft at the DIL who is little rude and straight forward. I saw one aunty behaving differently to softer one and being polite to ruder DIL.See the split personality!!

So, Probably the nature of DIL is also to be concerned in this dielomma.
For example, before my marriage, I got an offer from a relative family but we refused it and I married this family. Later they got another girl and now that girl rules like anything ...and ill treating inlaws alot,though this aunty really care for her and does lotta maska to impress DIL ( :)) )
But I'm sure If I were in that place , definitely I was the person who to be suffered and mine would be the same story because I know the problem is in my nature and tolerating nature is giving me troubles. Even my hubby knows I'm careful to leave any relation or to say something tough...So he just behind his mom because she'll leave him rightaway stamping 'joru ka gulam' .And anyway, I'll be there for him. So he just control me and only me ..never imagines of opposing his mom's treatment.Because he know he'll be the outsider the moment he support me.

Sometimes ,I just imagine ,IfI'd die someday soon (no,sorry..pls...only imagination),then they. get a very rude DIL and they'll know the value of me. Of course, then i'll not be here to n'joy the fruits of their repentance..so I pray god to give me full life for taking care of my sweet baby and the sweet and caring hubby( he can be sweet only in their absence ,of course ..but it's ok at least I'm not in a combined family)

Ok friends, So,I conclude it may depend on nature of DIl too .


savitha replied. mr. manimaran, any relationship shd be a 2 way effort. be it mil/fil-dil, hubby-wife or even b/w friends. it cannot be onsided where either mil or dil trying to make the relationship work & the otherparty doesn't accept it. it takes two to tango!!! i know some dils who hc made thier in law's lives miserable inspite of the former being good. if mil says u take charge of household they say u r treating me like a slave, if they say ok,i'll do it, then r called dominating & interering. they work & expect the inlaws to baby sit their kids.but some complain that thye hoshow to much love to kids!!similalry i hv seen mils whose dils can do nothing right in their eyes. even bringing vegetables will become wrong in thier eyes!! so what do u hv to say for such mils & dils? SR replied. Hi Maniram

Sorry but I do not agree with what you said..... that a DIL has to ask MIL about her every move etc. It is good that a DIL can take over making certain decisions around the house so as not to stress the MIL out.. but some in-laws do not like that.. they want DIL to consult them in everything.. unless it is housework..then their response is 'take this as your own house..and do as you like'.
I feel respect has to be from both sides.. not just DIL running after MIL like a dog. A MIL has to take the backseat once a DIL arrives... this will not only give DIL importance and feel her welcome, but it will prepare MIL for retirement and then she can enjoy her old age without worrying about the house etc. But alot of our Indian MIL's want to interfere in the DIL's life and control them. For example if you had a house and you had to share with another couple....would you try and run their lives or give them space to do what they like around the house and get the same space and respect from them??? So why should it be different when living with in-laws?? I know they are the guy's parents but still they are another couple... 2 nuclear families in one home. So why can there not be respect from them to their son and DIL?
In-laws also need to accept that once their son is married, he is not their little boy anymore. He has a wife now and soon he will be a dad. I do not mean that they should not be close anymore, but they need to give him some space too.. treat him like a grown up/adult and trust him to make decisions too. And sons should understand this too. Maniram - looking after your parents is your responsibility, not your wife's and also looking after your wife is your responsibility too. Your wife takes precedence though!!! Think of it this way.. In your old age, who will be by your side? Your parents or your wife?? When you're ill even now.. who looks after you? Your parents or your wife? This poor girl lives her parents to start a new life with you.. she has dreams to have her home and start her own family and gets married to find out that its not rosy as she thought it would be. Still she will tolerate it and won't tell anyone what she is going through... not even her own parents... she has no one to talk to apart from her husband...and if he does not support her, think how she feels??? She will take it all...why?? because she loves her husband!!! So if a woman can do so much for a man, why can a man not show her some support in return. Think of things as long term.. your parents will not be there forever but a wife will be. The mother of your children!!! If you should your wife more support and make sure she is well looked after then automatically and naturally in her heart love for your parents will grow...she will want to do more and more for them.

aabb replied. hi manimarn
I rspect your opinions.Everyone has the right to express themselves.But this is my opinion.So the wife literally has to be like a robo who is made to please the hubby and family in return should not expect anything.I think this is a hypocratic culture.Even the girls leave their parents and they are old too.So imagine ur MIL is not in a good mood she lashes out at you(rarely happens)do you calmly take her taunts and again try to impress her.so why girls should do it.I am not saying the MIL shld treat her DIL like a daughter but why cant she treat her like a human being.Funny some people(not all) even treat strangers better than their DIL and her parents.Imagine what are we teaching our younger generations.We teach our children to be polite to our elders.But we forget to teach our elders to correct themselves when they are impolite.Most of the girls accepts her hubby as he is then why cant the hubby do the same.No person is perfect.You believe in God right.Will god forgive MILs for what they do to DILs.Only small children who doesnt know what they do are forgiven for their mistakes.MILs are not children and they definitely know what they are doing.Everyone is going to get punished for their actions.What you do comes back to you.So watch out manimaran for you it may be your dear mother and her actions may be forgivable but in Gods eyes everyone are equal.This all applies bad DILs.So next time you better correct your mother if you really believe in God.You dont have to fight for this.You can tell that very politely yet firmly. your mother may get upset and she may not correct her behaviour but atleast you did what is correct.Again god never lets those who come to him u said but the same god never forgives mistakes that is done intentionally.keep that in mind. Silver replied. Tony,I'm here!
Just wanted to be quiet to see what a man suggests to dinu.Just didnt want to influence this guy's thoughts.Surely I expected samething. But As u said , These all are tried me me too. and my mil stamped me as I'm not learnt to do things self and not perfect and always being dependent.And also, My mil has erased the impression my hubby had on me as a good cook and good housekeeper just for my over maska.I'm in USa and in vacation I used to do those maska things earlier.

But the more maska u do, u become more leniant and more and more in to problems .It was my self experience.

Hi manimaran,Ur expectations r correct and we can create wonders. Thanks for ur words and opinions.Sincere thanks to ur 2cents to help us analyse a man's reaction on this board. But sorry manimaran, U r not the one whose views I'm looking in to.
Because u respect ur mom and wife similarly.It seemed. So ur thoughts can not be relied to analyse biased men.
Also, thse all suggestions are reflecting a common man's expectations over his wife.Y cant he accept his wife as she is and can see only as a slave to his home. I'm not humiliating system. But y cant a man expect his mom equally adjusted .
DIl starts thousands of steps towards them to complete her journey as a good DIL and its never ending because they keep on moving distant in opposite direction...if they too start 2 or 3 steps towards DIL , She can achieve it soon right?

Also, As dinu said, if hubby is understandable, at least se can make her home little heaven as much as she can.
Yes, we r educated so we want litle matured families and at least matured hubbies.If mom says \";beta, ur wife's parents r not giving us cosltly gifts which they ought to give in functions ...\"; hubbies think over it and increase their aversion towards her parents and wit hurts wife .
When his mom say a word about it, all he can do is to tell her \";ok, mom, we have enough money and pl let us not to expect\"; ...this makes a home atleast heaven.
So,manimaran,Thank god at least u took measures to console ur wife .but n ur wife's absence atleast once u could suggest ur mom to not to repeat in smooth words...than asking ur wife to adjust to ur mom taunts.(Pl dont take oother way ,I know ur mom is good. but pl accept ur wife's self respect too and makesure those things never happen again). If ur mom get a little clue that u dont like expecting from her parents, I bet she never repeat that again.


Thats what i want from my hubby.I just beg him and keep on begging not to entertain any complaints in any form (I know many of them sweet qouted)...U see things from ur view and not frm ur mom's words...But it never work out.

Tony, Did u get now..y i was silent? This is the reason ,dear. If we start, we can write pages and pages from our experieces and maturity and it might be annoying to a any man .

Sorry manimaran, If i hurt ur feelings but these r my views. but thanks at least u accepted us as good DILs after seeing our posts.
If my hubby would have seen this board, he would have definitely improvedd his pre learnt (thru his mom) concept on DILs mean thoughts on hubbies and inlaws and would have concluded us as trying to deviate him form his parents and have taken measures to be more cautions to not to hear me anytime in his life:) !!
Tony S replied. Yes, your suggestions are really good. But sir, do u think all these strategies and ideas have not already been tried ? U said ask MIL everyday what should be cooked . Fine, but some taunting MILs will start saying, what is this can u not decide on your own ? Do I have to tell u everyday ? So whatever a DIL does, the MIL is there taunt her and criticize her coz she has a problem with her very existence. See I am not generalizing, some MILs are really good upto some extent that is. insecurity is a part of human nature. But how long should a DIL keep applying 'maska' to her MIL ? Very soon the MIL will walk all over her and her great beloved son will also follow suit. He will also walk all over his wife holding his mother's pallu. So it is overall a v. tricky situation. As u have rightly said that we might become better FILs and MILs for the next generation and focus on better things in life than these inlaws problems, then the world will be a happier and better place to live in. Come on girls, silver, bb, savitha where r u all ? Reply to manimaram, please say something.