Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

i have written a previous mail and this a second one now to tell of other problems. just after my marriage we had a reception in my inlaws plc in delhi and there were 700 guests and my mil kept all the gifts and when we were coming to blore to settle down she had given her used kadai and few other used bartals and a set of old curtains.......while my mom gave me all new things and all the gifts tht i got from my native. tht was the very first impression. then whtever jewellery my mom has given she has kept with her not giving anything to me to include whtever little jewelley she has given she has kept it even. so after we came my inlaws followed the next day and bought all cheap plastic items like racks etc to set up the house as if its a student's den. she will always insist on tht this not a plc to stay and finally we need to go and stay with them. he will always make phn calls and ask permission before buying anything may it is a small thing for the house. i always wanted to decorate my house accor to my taste and dreams but never have it fulfilled. i have had enough and have almost left with any more energy.now tht i am preg i dream to buy and shop certain things in the house for welcome of the baby as my hubby does not show any interest i have stopped and can only cry when i sit alone. i was working but due to my preg i have left the job.well thts all for now i think i could give a picture of my problems ...i would like all of ur comment on this. sapna replied. your story is 80% same like mine. my mother in law is same she run my house.I WAS NON VEG. now I am vegcoz my husband I chose to not eat non veg, it was big compromise for me and even that I did'nt get any credit for that.My MIL came in my pregnency to help me out and what she did was nightmare for me. she treated me so badly. she use to put lot of chilli in every food and lot of ginger garlic and I use to get heartburn coz of that.once i told her that i can't eat this food coz there is lot of chilli she said my son like this way so I wil cook this way. I had c-section and small baby really I don't want to remember those days It was my happiest moment and she made it worst.sorry I can't give you any suggestion coz I am in a same boat
love ya sonu replied. Hi bonny,

Ya i can understand how r u feeling...As Ne said its common in 90% families thats absolutely true.N i totally agree with Ne's points whatever its happening u make a good impression infront of ur husband ...its only him whos goin to stay with u whole life.U need to be very patience in that.Life is like drama n we hv to play tactfully.

Mine is also love marriage out of caste but my husband always supported me..actually always supported wht is right.if sometimes i did wrong he tells me its wrong but never got harsh on me.

My husband everytime maintain certain distance after marriage.ofcz we stay in other country so not a problem but whenever in india if he wans anythg or discuss somethg he put me first thn his mom.now everyone in our family maintain their own business nobody bothers or interfere in others life.

Its husband's duty to maintain such enviroment in house where mom is dominating.

Talk to u r husband calmly n tell him ur dreams n thoughts .n always discuss with him in good mood.never go out of mood as they also get tired of everyday fights.
never talk against his parents.try few thgs it will help.

Take care of ur health bonny...
sonu. Nef replied. hi there,

i am in the same position with my MIL and in-laws. They drive me up the wall even though they been living in the USA they have maintained their traditional indian lifestyle. U knw my hubby and i could not even go out for dinner without big big drama, he also cant buy me anything without them making a big deal. He had to hide from them when he bought me my outfits and shoes. MIL would not let me use the kitchen and not let me look after my hubby when we r at her place. It is so annoying. I could not take it and my hubby took me to live elsewhere. I am so scared that when we have kids they will take over them, already she has hinted that while i work she can look after the kid. But i told my hubby that i want to raise our kids myself without any external influence. So yes i can totally relate to your situation. All I can say is to be polite and diplomatic with them but keep ur distance. Also do what ur hubby wants u to do for him to get him on ur side then slowly he will see for himself how good u r. I think diet is a personal choice but bcos i used to work a lot with cancer patients i m very pro veg but again u have to want to do it urself not be forced into it. I had to stand up for myself otherwise my MIL will take over my life. She told my hubby to say \";no\"; to me and i was so mad! thats when i started keeping distance but at same time polite and nice without allowing them to take control. Also i have had to stand up for myself many times. Ours is also love marriage and I come from different country and different culture so it has had many challenges too. But in the end my hubby stood by me but when at MIL house he has different behaviour but bcos we dont live with them I let it go as it is only temporary. I love my hubby dearly and try to minus my ILs out of the equation, i think that helps. Also the more u feed that negative energy the worse it gets so just let it go and focus on ur baby and hubby and it should get better. I wish u all the best. take care and hope this helps Ne replied. hi dear bonny,

I can understand ur problem perfectly. Believe me this kind of MIL's Behaviour is comman in 90% of houses. I too faced similar kind of probls. The reason is these MIL's or in-laws thinks that they r experienced, therefore must be authorized to interfere into our lives.
I am sure ur mil must have compared u ,ur home , living style several times with their style of living.
In ur case since u got ur love by grace of ur hubby's parents. Ur hubby will always want u to obey them blindly.
I know they'll try to prove u foolish or suppress u in whatever u want to do.
The only way to tackle this is
1)Try to convince ur husband according to ur wishes cooly and calmly. Beware never ever try to criticize or complaint again his parents.(this will only ruin ur relationship).
2)Let in-laws go to hell, stop discussing them.
3)Since u r pregnant, try to be happy and time to time let ur hubby realize how important is ur happiness for the baby's health.
4)Be very good to ur hubby.
5)Now its high time, u should raise ur voice and compell them to shut their mouth but tactfully, never in front of ur hubby.
6) if ur hubby is by ur side, do whatever u want.

Leave all those jwellery , reception , articles aside. time is a big factor . Every thing will be sorted out.

Be happy dear.., live life according to u.
I am not an expert , just felt to reply.

Take care,
Ne