Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi,

i'm a working mom with a 10 month baby. I have a day maid who takes care of the baby. Also my mum helps me by being at my house from Mon- Fri. Off late i have started feeling very guilty leaving my baby at home. So much so that i have given up socialising; which in turn is creating tension between me and hubs. i keep on worrying about her even when i'm at office. but, i also cant give up my job and sit at home.
Is this post-partum deepression? And how do i come out of it?
i'm sure many of you would have gone /are going through these feelings.
Would help to know how to tackle this... Priya Satish replied. I feels the same, for leaving my 1.5 year old son with the maid. Please be happy to have your mother, bcoz leaving the child with maid alone is even bad. And i have seen that in mothers absence, the best person to look after the child is mother's mom. saheli replied. Sadhana's points reminded me of something and want to share that with you.

When my daughter was grown up to be able to understand things and wd always complain for missing me when i m in office, i made her understand why it was imp for me to work by giving her live examples.

Next to my house stays our society's electrician and plumber. Their kids study in govt school. They are good kids and i sometimes allow them to play with my kid.
I told my kid \" see their mom doesnt work so they dont hv enough money. They dont hv good clothes and toys like you\" .

during an outing when my kid demands something, i precisely tell her i can buy that bec i hv money, which is bec i m working. See, their mom doesnt work and dad's money goes in buying Atta, chawal, etc.

I hv made her undstd that everything in this world comes with money (but love is most imp thing), whenever there's time to pay a shopkeeper i make my kid do that ... i hv even told her that Maid, telephone, electricity need money.

I told her that when i go to office and work for a day, they give me money in evening. Coincidently i hv an ATM below my office, i took the kid there and showed her how i draw out money.

These things hv impacted her well. Sometimes on weekends when she asks for something, i say \" today i dont hv money as i dint go to office. And i dint go to office bec i want to spend weekends with u, its holiday for me\" .

Today, at 4 yrs, she undstds things even better. Its not that she doesnt miss me ... when i am home she is always behind me. Like Sadhana, i too spend the time with her.

But yes, she doesnt complain for me working. She says \" i want you but i want that new doll also, so u can go to office\"

I have put my kid to a world-class-school 5 mins away from home.

When i thnk abt it .. that i dont need to worry abt traffic, commutation, and the world class study she will get .... and the fact that now i cant leave job for the high-fees the school demands ... i dont hv any guilt.

for tomorrow, i know my kid will thank me.

Another point, may not be applicable to all .... i hv got a second baby and the elder kid now gets busy with her so misses me less. But thats everybody's personal choice ... i hv got MIL who takes v good care of kids, so i can think of second baby.

saheli Sadhana replied. Join the wonderful, harried world of mothers. I have an almost 2 year old son and feel guilt about everything I do or don't do as mentioned in the article. I think Saheli pretty much covers all the points very nicely. As for me, I gave up a great s/w career and sat at home for 2 years and have finally started working. I have a daycare center in my office itself and can go and see him whenever I want. But I still feel guilty about every free second that I am spending with my colleagues rather than at the creche. My husband and I finally decided on a routine which would allow each of us to spend some quality time with our son and at the same time catch up on other things such as reading, going out etc. Delegating the less important tasks such as cooking, cleaning etc to a maid also helps. I leave my son with my maid at home sometimes but the minute I get back from work, I ask her to cook dinner while I play with my son. Ultimately, I think your child herself will give you indications of whether you are spending enough time with her. If she seems to cling on to you or seems to want to be cuddled dont ignore her messages. During those moments, drop everything and spend time with her...believe me active kids dont want to spend too much time in your lap..if they feel satisfied that they are getting enuf of mommy's attention they go and play themselves, secure in their parents' love. Hope this helps. saheli replied. Surprising! I read this article on working moms guilt today on indiaparenting site

http(:)//www(.)0indiaparenting(.)com/newborn/data/newb24_14(.)shtml

Anyways.
I too used to feel the same after resuming job. So dont worry, it will go away with time.
Secondly, think that u r doing it for baby/family so that he will b getting best possible education, best possible clothes, toys, living ....
And also, u hv ur own life and ambitions which shd not b sacrificed by flowing into emotions.
Yes, ensuring baby's well-being is ur duty and in that case, if need be, either of the parent shd sit at home for the baby. But u hv already covered that by having a maid and ur mother.

One more thing we shd understand is - taking care of child is not mother's duty alone. If reqd, a father shd also consider taking leave. We moms believe that it is solely our resp, so go overboard.

About not being too social ..
it happens with many new moms. U know what, i too passed thru the same thing of being less social ... and havent come out of it yet! My kid is now 4 yrs old!

I had actually 1) lost interest in social activities 2)was using that time instead to be with baby 3)eventually my priorities led me to being less social... so after office, i put kid first, then housechores and cooking and then social life.

Talk to ur hubby, tell him that this is expected after a wife has a baby and goes away with time. Ask him to undstd u, and that u need his help in overcoming this. Gradually, u will start getting back to normal life.

Also, if u hv to go for outings etc, dont worry too much abt baby. Plan and pack this requirements and once u r out, enjoy whatever u r doing ... dont b in 2 minds.

hope this helps
good luck
saheli