Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

We live in the U.S. and my in-laws in India. Like most of the couples in the U.S. we give them a call every weekend.

I have a lot of problems with my mil. She has treated me very badly. Still I talk to her every weekend because after all she is my husband's mom, so I have to keep in touch or else it will create even more problems.

My problem is that I am not relaxed on the weekends till I talk with my mil. I always have the thought that I have to talk to her at the back of my mind, -no matter what I am doing. I hate talking to her, so want to get that over with. If I am not able to talk to her, say early morning on Saturday, then I am not able to relax or enjoy the entire day with a free mind.

Anybody in a similar situation? Any advice? dd replied. hey, tahts so good that ur husband understands you.
My husband doesn't even want to understand anything like that.He is like how can i not go along well with the people who mean so much to him.
I told him i will talk to them whenver i want but he says its not like that.I shd talk everyweekend.I better talk or we fight like mad. dd replied. Hey, i am too in a similar situation.
My husband tells me that i am the best thing that happened to me , he is very lucky to have me, he cares the most about me and doesn't acre abt his parents much.
BUT he calls them every weekend and also wants me to talk to them whenever he calls.If i feel bad then he says just let it go as they are elders.Cos if i don't talk to them every weekend they might feel bad.Also if i say any weekend that i don't wanna talk then he starts fighting with me like hell.
He will say that the only thing he wants from me is to keep his parents happy.
aaa replied. You are right. I feel I am wasting my life bcos of my IL problems. They are not worth it. I have to think about my happiness more than what my ILs think about me. gal replied. Ladies, its pathetic that you talk to ur ILs JUST bcos your hubby forces you to do it. WHAT will happen if you refuse outright? Nothing!! At the most your hubby will 'bark' whole day and ur ILs will talk ill of you 'everywhere'. So who cares?? I too am a DIL and a wife and used to talk with my ILs. It used to be so sugary sweet (MIL never talked bitter) yet artificially forced. They wud enqire of what we did like minute details - and I used to get pissed off. My hubby wud tell what we brought (mixer, doormat!!!, cups , thankfully he didnt tell abt undergarments -:))) or any movies or ANY small things we did I never wanted to share such things with them. As is common our relations soured (tho not ended) snd I stopped talking to them on the weekly call. I told my hubby that I cannot talk artificially andwud greet them on festivals or birthdays. All other times my hubby talks only. My father when he came here was shocked to see that I never talk to ILs on weekly phone. I told him to 'stay out' of my affirs and let me handle my relations my way in front of my husband. My dad(especially) is all showy abt the pretensious stuff around ILs and more than often I have ended up arguing. I certainly don't know THE right/wrong way but I cannot talk to people whom I do not like forcibly. Its not that I cannot stand them or hate my ILs but I can never put up the 'DIL act'. Similarly I dont expect my hubby to sit there and force himself talking to my parents. But he's fine talkin to my parents and has good relations with them. Ladies, take a lesson - ILs are NEVER worth the peace of mind or time that you spend thinking about them. worry of ur life and future. suhani replied. yeah, i do wonder that too. Like you my in-laws are in india and we talk every week. sometimes my husband talks 3-4x a week and that too when i am not around. If he talks, then we calls especially so that i can talk. that really bothers me. He never makes an effort to talk to my parents. It is hard for me to make an excuse not to talk to my in-laws nor will my husband understand. If i am cooking, i still have to talk. Why is that? i tell myself that since i can talk to my parents, who are in the states, then its ok for him to talk to his parents too but he talks to them for hours about nothing at all. how should i not let it bother me? Any suggestions? * replied. You are right. Husbands are not required to call their in-laws that often, the way wives are. If a dil does not talk to her in-laws often, the in-laws get angry and the society thinks that its the dil's fault, but if a son-in-law does not talk to his in-laws that often, its considered to be okay. Moreover the girls parents very rarely ill-treat their son-in-law but the boys parents often misbehave with their dil. Its so unfair. * replied. You are right. Husbands are not required to call their in-laws that often, the way wives are. If a dil does not talk to her in-laws often, the in-laws get angry and the society thinks that its the dil's fault, but if a son-in-law does not talk to his in-laws that often, its considered to be okay. Moreover the girls parents very rarely ill-treat their son-in-law but the boys parents often misbehave with their dil. Its so unfair. curious replied. All mails contain dils making calls to mils what about son-in-laws making calls to mils. Why is there no equality in that ? Everybody says here that just because she is my husbands mom or just because my husband asks me to do a courtesy call, I call my mil. But do you girls ask your husbands to make a courtesy call to your moms or your parents? Hosai replied. My heart goes out to you. I understand your situation, though I cannot relate to it because my situation is perhaps a little worse, as my inlaws don't have anything to do with me or my family. I am not Indian, and it's a long, long story. Aside from that, it' been two years now, all praise be to God, and I have learned to rely on God for ALL my sustenance than ever before, and God's mercy has got me through, and God-willingly will continue to get me through.

About your situation, about feeling anxious until you call, and not being able to relaz until you just get it over with, I totally understand. And I want to tell you it is perfectly natural to feel this way, and normal. There is nothing wrong with you. B

BUT in the long run especially, it is not healthy to feel this way, and you should work to change this. What I have learned is that when you are faced with those HECTIC situations of having to call them, face them, - try someway not to saturate your whole self and the contents of your heart into that one acion. What I am saying, is dont't attach your precious feelings and your precious heart to the ACT of calling them. Do it as an obligation, do it cause you have to, then go outside, and take in a breathe of fresh air, and relax. Get it out of you. Take it out of your head, take it out of your heart. You are not living for them, you are not dependent upon them to make you feel good, and your sanity does not orbit around that phone call.

Once you learn to let go, once you can just call them without attaching your genuine feelings in the phone call, things will God-willingly get better for you. These confrontations are not easy, I know, but if you look at them as if they are really NOTHING at all, and the ILS are don't mean NOTHING to you, than you won't be so hurt when she treats you so bad.

My husband and I joke about it sometimes in an indirect way, when his parents call or he visits them, or he brings up their name, I make faces, and start whining like a baby, or I act like I am going to choke him in a joking way, and he laughs and starts trying to comfort me, this way of dealing with the stress, has helped me a lot.

Your life does not depend on your MIL advice or so-called approval of you. You happiness is not dependant on -torture-of-the-week advice column. She is nothing. She was created herself by God, and just like God created her, God can destory her.

Remember this life is not the end of the ropes. Remember your ML is only here for an appointed time, just like you are, and will one day pay for all that she has done. And remember if justice escapes you in this world, on the hereafter JUSTICE will prevail.

Live your life, and have faith. Rely on God for all your affairs and be sincere in your worship of your Creator. And remember God will never burden you with more than you can bear, and that with every struggle comes relief.

You are not alone. Many daughter-in-laws have gone through in this in the past and are going through this now. We all share your grief. This road was meant to be taken and God-willingly it is meant to be beaten.

God said:
"Be sure we shall test you with something of fear and hunger, some loss in goods or lives or the fruits (of your toil), but give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere,- Who say, when afflicted with calamity: "To Allah (God) We belong, and to Him is our return":- They are those on whom (descend) blessings from their Lord, and Mercy, and they are the ones that receive guidance. "
(Qur'an 2: verses 155 - 157) Rohini replied. I know what u r going thr' coz I am in almost a similar situation.I also have to talk to my MIL on a weekly basis and I just dread those phone calls.After every such phone call, I keep on thinking abt the dreadful things that my MIL says,the unasked for advice which she gives etc .However hard I tell myself that I must ignore these things ,the thoughts keep coming back.What I really don't understand is when I have not stayed with her for more that 3 days and since we don't know each other that well, what is it that she wants to accomplish by saying these things on the 10-20mins phone call?
So now I do this and u can also try it out....I tell my hubby each and everything that my MIL says on the phone without showing my anger but at the same time conveying to my hubby that \";this is the way your mom speaks\";.This way I feel that I have talked to someone abt it and it somewhat lessens the burden.Although most of the times my hubby supports his mom,now he atleast knows the difference between the way my parents speak to him and the way his parents speak to me. UA replied. I totally understand how u feel..my ILs are miles away but I can't help how my MIls hrash words affect..I let it affect my relationship with my husband which is not good..but it seems that u are doing better than me..good luck N replied. Friend,

I totally understand, i have been married for 2 and a half yrs now and at first i used to be so scared talking to my MIL bcos of her harse words. But then one day i just realised, they are just words, and now if she talks rudely to me i just answer her back with a staright answer. They are only words, u are lucky, my MIL is only 100 miles away, she could visit me in London at any time!

Also when i used to get upset i told my husband, u like it or not i'm not talking to her bcos she upsets me and ruins my weekend. My husband said ok, thanks for being honest, u don't have to speak to her, speak when u like, which was very nice of him.

Try and make ur husband understand in a loving way, i'm sure u will be ok.

She is miles away, like i said its only words, use them back, she can't do anything from there!

N