i need some help... i have written on this forum several times before and i really have come to a point where i am tired of my husband.. i feel my life is not progressing since i have been married and i cannot make out if my issue is with my husband or pressure of his parents.
we have had a love marriage and we live in UK. my husband is the only child.. the issues that i am not clear about are :
- family - i want equal treatment of family. my husband thinks his family is better, because his parents have said so.. so there are always issues arising when visiting my family. this was not an issue before marriage. my parents live in india and my inlaws have forbidden my hubby to live at my parents house... after 2 yrs and lots of arguments, he has agreed to live at home, but in secret, his parents do not know about it.
financial - i am working full time and my husband is in a joint family business.. we want to have a child and i want to quit working for a yr. my husband is unable to let me know if it's ok for me to quit (i want to for at least 1 yr)..my husband is unable to give a straight answer on where we both stand financially, as far as this decision is concerned. I am not even aware of how much he earns, and it's 2 yrs of marriage.
Decisions making about general things in life - we are not like a normal couple. My husband never has a straight answer for anything. I really dont understand why, but I do have a feelng that his parents \";control\"; him. I am willing to speak to his parents about this, but what I am not sure is if my husband wants a marriage like this - where his parents make all the decisions for him. I am unable to understand what type of a person he is, as he is very secretive and hardly says things to me. He tries to make both me and his parents happy, and is very sensitive about being stuck in the middle. His mother, who used to be best friends with my aunt (for 25 yrs), ever since we have gotten married, has stopped socialising with her. She is very protective about her son and is unable to see me and my husband having a good time or a joke. She either wants to be invovled or gets defensive. My husband is aware of these types of situations, but is unable to say anything to her. He also has a poor relationship with his father and always acts like the defender of his mother. I just want to understand what he wants and who he is. Is he the type of guy who wants to continue the reationship with his mother and let me just be in the background or not. It's very hard for me to ask him this, but I have arrived to my limit.I need help on how to ask his these questions and I am very confused.
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dear all
i need some help... i have written on this forum several times before and i really have come to a point where i am tired of my husband.. i feel my life is not progressing since i have been married and i cannot make out if my issue is with my husband or pressure of his parents.
we have had a love marriage and we live in UK. my husband is the only child.. the issues that i am not clear about are :
- family - i want equal treatment of family. my husband thinks his family is better, because his parents have said so.. so there are always issues arising when visiting my family. this was not an issue before marriage. my parents live in india and my inlaws have forbidden my hubby to live at my parents house... after 2 yrs and lots of arguments, he has agreed to live at home, but in secret, his parents do not know about it.
financial - i am working full time and my husband is in a joint family business.. we want to have a child and i want to quit working for a yr. my husband is unable to let me know if it's ok for me to quit (i want to for at least 1 yr)..my husband is unable to give a straight answer on where we both stand financially, as far as this decision is concerned. I am not even aware of how much he earns, and it's 2 yrs of marriage.
Decisions making about general things in life - we are not like a normal couple. My husband never has a straight answer for anything. I really dont understand why, but I do have a feelng that his parents \";control\"; him. I am willing to speak to his parents about this, but what I am not sure is if my husband wants a marriage like this - where his parents make all the decisions for him. I am unable to understand what type of a person he is, as he is very secretive and hardly says things to me. He tries to make both me and his parents happy, and is very sensitive about being stuck in the middle. His mother, who used to be best friends with my aunt (for 25 yrs), ever since we have gotten married, has stopped socialising with her. She is very protective about her son and is unable to see me and my husband having a good time or a joke. She either wants to be invovled or gets defensive. My husband is aware of these types of situations, but is unable to say anything to her. He also has a poor relationship with his father and always acts like the defender of his mother. I just want to understand what he wants and who he is. Is he the type of guy who wants to continue the reationship with his mother and let me just be in the background or not. It's very hard for me to ask him this, but I have arrived to my limit.I need help on how to ask his these questions and I am very confused.
me-me replied. I have alot of repect for your husband in trying to make everyone happy but he needs to be a man about it. He has to know that occasionally a litle hurt is for the greater good. He cant go on lying to his parents about where he will live, imagine the drama if they find out?
As for you know knowing how much he earns that is a worry. That needs to change now. Talk to him! If you know how much you earn collectively you can save better and budget more effectively. It will give you a much better idea of when you can have a baby from a financial point of view.
I won't sit here and say you cant have a baby, only you know if its a good time. Quite a lot of men grow up when they become fathers but thats not a definate. First of all you need to let him know its time to stand up for things.
Support him and tell him of your own concerns and feelings. You need him to be strong for you, for both your happiness and for the child you will one day have.
bubly replied. hi there,
See whatever u have written matches exactly what i think abt my family matter and my relationship with my husband.
he is the same way. BUT I WOULD SAY HERE, SOUL. DO NOT GIVE UP SO EASILY. ITS PART OF LIFE AND EVERYBODY HAS SOME OR OTHER STRUGGLE IN THEIR life
So i would suggest you - try to concentrate on your husband and try to win him. Treat him like baby pamper him and tell him wn in good mood that u also need pampering.
See all mens are more or less same. And do try to ignore ur MIL and FIL. Try to keep mum in case of their issues.
All the best. Do not give hope as i am equally sharing such things. Focus on winning ur husband. That is his nature. u need to change him and tell abt it with patience luv. its quite irritating at time wn they do not exchange what they think but then u have to face things as they are. So have patience trust god and focus on ur husband.
The more ur get irritated more u will loose.
Stay calm and win the struggle. trust me u can do it. luv and best wishes
hmm replied. hi,
these problems are kind of common in almost all marriages, in some marriage its intensity may be high and in others low. and most of all it all depends on the wife, suppose a wife wants to think that she is the most lucky girl on earth she starts thinking that her hubby is too good, takes care of her etc etc, but on the other hand if a wife is thinking practically all men are the same.
its not possible to change ur hubby within a day or so, neither its possible to change the way u think, as time passes certain things fall in place,
but having a child without u being independent is not right, thats what i think, and if ur hubby does not want a child right now, but if u want one u can have but u cannot ask ur hubby forcibly to be good father,
Shilpa replied. dear soul, i'm so glad you are reaching out for help and advice at the right time. no matter what else you decide PLEASE do not have a baby till matter between you and your husband are resolved.
if he agress that you two do have a problem, please see a marriage / family counsellor who is an uninvolved third party. do this only if you are sure you want the marriage to work.
meanwhile try reading a book called \";relationship rescue\"; by dr.phil mcgraw. be prepared to look at your relationship completely objectively and go for it.
2005-05-22
#1
Name: me-me Subject: Stand Up
I have alot of repect for your husband in trying to make everyone happy but he needs to be a man about it. He has to know that occasionally a litle hurt is for the greater good. He cant go on lying to his parents about where he will live, imagine the drama if they find out?
As for you know knowing how much he earns that is a worry. That needs to change now. Talk to him! If you know how much you earn collectively you can save better and budget more effectively. It will give you a much better idea of when you can have a baby from a financial point of view.
I won't sit here and say you cant have a baby, only you know if its a good time. Quite a lot of men grow up when they become fathers but thats not a definate. First of all you need to let him know its time to stand up for things.
Support him and tell him of your own concerns and feelings. You need him to be strong for you, for both your happiness and for the child you will one day have.
2005-05-20
#2
Name: bubly Subject: u and me are n the same boat
hi there,
See whatever u have written matches exactly what i think abt my family matter and my relationship with my husband.
he is the same way. BUT I WOULD SAY HERE, SOUL. DO NOT GIVE UP SO EASILY. ITS PART OF LIFE AND EVERYBODY HAS SOME OR OTHER STRUGGLE IN THEIR life
So i would suggest you - try to concentrate on your husband and try to win him. Treat him like baby pamper him and tell him wn in good mood that u also need pampering.
See all mens are more or less same. And do try to ignore ur MIL and FIL. Try to keep mum in case of their issues.
All the best. Do not give hope as i am equally sharing such things. Focus on winning ur husband. That is his nature. u need to change him and tell abt it with patience luv. its quite irritating at time wn they do not exchange what they think but then u have to face things as they are. So have patience trust god and focus on ur husband.
The more ur get irritated more u will loose.
Stay calm and win the struggle. trust me u can do it. luv and best wishes
2005-05-18
#3
Name: hmm Subject: hmm
hi,
these problems are kind of common in almost all marriages, in some marriage its intensity may be high and in others low. and most of all it all depends on the wife, suppose a wife wants to think that she is the most lucky girl on earth she starts thinking that her hubby is too good, takes care of her etc etc, but on the other hand if a wife is thinking practically all men are the same.
its not possible to change ur hubby within a day or so, neither its possible to change the way u think, as time passes certain things fall in place,
but having a child without u being independent is not right, thats what i think, and if ur hubby does not want a child right now, but if u want one u can have but u cannot ask ur hubby forcibly to be good father,
2005-05-18
#4
Name: abc Subject: be brave
hey girls,
I have a strong feeling that the message posted by "hmm" is not a woman's or wife's view-point. It is surely written by a husband and the line "it all depends on the wife" strenghtens my feeling. Anyways- doesn't matter !!!
Dear soul, Coming back to your problems-
1. Family-i want equal treatment of family- I think it is difficult but not impossible.I used to think the same way, that why my family is not being treated equally. Then I realized its mainly because of our in-laws. Our husbands may like our family, but their parents would never accept it and they will keep nagging and filling our husbands's ears against us, our families. I myself have gone through this and finally one day ( after 5 yrs of our marriage) I told my hubby - If you can't respect me & my family, do not expect anything from me. I was very firm when I made this decision.I told my hubby if you don't talk to my parents, i will do the same and I actually did it. He got the message and one fine day, he called my parents on his own and since then he has been decent to them . This made me happy and now I also respect his parents!!!! So you have to show them, that you can take bold steps in life.
Financial issue- you said you hubby is not sure about your job status after you have a baby. Should I assume that he has no problem about starting a family? If job is the only issue, then my dear this should be solely your decision. If you feel you want to give quality of time to your baby, quit the job. If you think you can manage, then just continue.
And about the baby- tell him that a child is both mom & dad's responsibilty. He will be equally resposible for him as you. ( by the way, I had a friend who had almost the same issues with her hubby & in-laws as you, and to our great surprise ,everything changed after their baby was born. The moment he saw his baby and his wife going through the labour, God knows what happened, but he realized his mistakes and said sorry to my friend. Since then, he is a good husband & a good father.) So you see, sometimes children make mom-dad's relationship better.
As far as income is concerned- have you ever asked him directly? As a wife, You have full right to know how much he earns. If you think, he wants to hide, then just forget it. You do the same- believe me it works. Men will never realize our feelings unless they also go through the same situtaion. Its really good that you are financially independent.
About his indecisive nature- you can not do much except that you can talk to him about it in a nice & concinving manner. If he is unable to make small decisions, why don't you take control of your life. Why do you need to depend on him as far as small issues are concerned. You need to be bold my dear and always believe in yourself that whatvere decision you are making, is right for you! Eventually if your decisions prove to be right, your hubby will automatically start believing you & confiding in you. I know its not that easy and does take time. But sweety, no pain, no gain.
So you have to think calmly , plan out everything . Don't waste your precious enrgy & time.
My best wishes are with you.
2005-05-18
#5
Name: Shilpa Subject: confront this now
dear soul, i'm so glad you are reaching out for help and advice at the right time. no matter what else you decide PLEASE do not have a baby till matter between you and your husband are resolved.
if he agress that you two do have a problem, please see a marriage / family counsellor who is an uninvolved third party. do this only if you are sure you want the marriage to work.
meanwhile try reading a book called \";relationship rescue\"; by dr.phil mcgraw. be prepared to look at your relationship completely objectively and go for it.
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Stand Up
u and me are n the same boat
hmm
Name: abc
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