Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hello everyone!
My name is Roma and I am nearly 17. I live in europe. Although this is not problems with my in laws, these are problems I used to have with my grandfather which only stopped 2 years ago when he died. I wonder if any of you can help, cos it still hurts me, even now.
My grandfather was generally a very horrible person and he used to psychologically torture me and make me suffer since I was a baby until he died when I was 15. my mother loved my grandfather more then she loved me and so she never used to stop him and let him get away with it which is why he did it. As a result, I used to want to kill myself, i have had to see a doctor as my immune system became very weak and I have had to see a doctor and resort to counselling. The thing is however, my mother still says she is not sorry for not stopping him.
When I was little, my parents and my father used to live with my mothers parents, including my grandfather. My grandfather was a horrible person. He treated my grandmother very badly, shouting, swearing and making disgusted faces towards her all day long. My grandmother was ill a lot and had to take a lot of medicines, but my grandfathjer eanted a perfect wife, so he used to be meabn to her to teach her a lesson. I used to hatw this and it is used to hurt me very much. He used to scare me a lot. Not only that, he used to make me hate my grandmother. Since I was about 3 yeasr old, he used to stop me and make me listen to how worthless my grandmother was and repeat after him how stupid she was etc. He tried his best to turn me against her. He would not let me go unless i said sokething horrible about her. It used to torture me.
Finally we moved out when Iw as 8 years ild and things werre much better cos I was away from him. He still use to come and make us unhappy by saying how he did not like our house etc but I didn't care then. He did not live with us and I was free from him.
then, we I was 12 yrs old, my mum told me he had cancer and forced me to move in with him. i was unhappy but accepted. My father wa salso nit happy about this but he too was forced. From then on, my grandfather tortured me like hell. I was theer 24 hrs a day now for him to force me to hate my grandmother and all these other people and repeat after him etc. He would always try and makw nme unhappy just because he was unhappy and wanted m,e to suffer with him. I was only 12/13 yeasr old and I told my mum and she did nothing about it. She loved him too much to say anything to him which would assume he was wrong. The main reason my grandfather did this was because he knew he could get away with it because my mum would never say anything otr stop him. whenevr he was unhappy, he would just come to me and trap me and majke me listen to and solve his problems and make me hate those people who he hated. i could not do anything. ic oudl not do my homework or watch TV or anything cos he'd just stop me and make me listen. He used to stop my mum from letting me go on holiday or take me anywhere so I could be stuck in the house with him. I used to feel so lonely I used to cry so much but my mother refused to do anthing. She said she woyuld never leave him cos he was her father, no matter what he did. Even if I was on my way to school he would stop me and make sure I suffered before I was allowed to go. His main aim in liofe seemed to be to make me suffer. I don;t know why to this day. Maybe he wanted a grandson and I was girl, maybe because since I was quiet and shy he ddi not like me and wanted to teach me a lesson. My mom still refuses to say sorry for not moving me out and protecting me from him. She said she loved him too much and this hurts me deeply that she ddi not care.
He is dead 2 years now but I am still hurting. i cannot even look at y mother now becayse of what she has said like she is not sorry. Even thoigh i have had to see a doctor etc and it hads affected my studies, she refuses to say sorry and admit she was wrong for niot protecting me from him. But the thing is, my mother used to make me hate him as well. She always used to complain to me about how horrible he was to her and I was 12/13 years old and she used to make me hate him so much, but then she refused to help me when he was hurting me. This hurts me so much and I cannot get rid of this feeling.
Yhings are admittedly better now that my dad has finanly found out what happened, and is on my side and is very angry with my grandfather for what he did. He said if I told him he would have done something to help me. Also this doctor is really ncie and helping. But what really hurts me is my mother. Do you ppl think she was right to stick by her father whom she loved so much, or helpe me and stopped him from hurting me? Plz help cos I am so confused and this hurts me so deeply sometimes I feel I can'r even breathe. I just want to get marreid soemtimes I feel so i will be out of this house and away from these bad memories. Plz help! K.Radha replied. First of all, what sort of father did you have if he managed to not know what was going on? How on earth did he manage to keep his eyes closed???? You sit here and you say how horrible your mother is for not having said anything to stop him but what did you do? You actually went so far as to repeat the vile things he said! You are by no means an innocent and don't try telling me you were a child!

I grew up in a home with EXACTLY the same thing but instead of being berrated into saying the things I was beaten! I bear innumerable scars and broken bones because I REFUSED to speak ill of a person. In my situation it became life threatening so i left home at 15 to work and continue my way through schooling. It was a hard decision but it was part of my healing, this might not suit you but we all must learn that life goes on.

The things you were forced into are partly your own fault. A any point did you defy him? You go on and on and on how your grandfather made you and that your mother did nothing but not once did you admit to saying NO. I dont think youth is a valid excuse because we are born with free will and learn fast what is righ and wrong.

Your main problem is you keep looking back and looking back at painful things will continually revisit that pain upon yourself. I know this seems like a scolding but I have been where you are and I know just how hard it is to let go of that pain. You're now going on 17 and in charge of your own emotions... It is time to tell yourself to let go and move on to bigger and better things.

Did it ever cross your mind that your mother was afraid? Perhaps she is not the neglegent mother you paint her to be but a victim of that mans torment as you were? And yes you were a victim, a willing one, but a victim all the same. If your grandfather was so bad than stop honouring him in allowing the pain to continue.

I do believe that in continuing the pain you allow the man to retain power despite him being dead. He is nothing now as he was then. The pain is over and all you need do is let go. Write an agry angry letter to him and when you are done burn it... Once it is burnt let every thing you feel float away like the ash. Be the best! Roma replied. Thank you so muchfor replying and helping me. You have made me feel so much better I cannot thank you enough. You are truly good friends. I used to hurt so much before but now that now that not only my father and this doctor are helping me, but I got your help too.
I think some of the ideas you suggested are also really good. I would luv to try something like yoga and singing or something. When I was 14 my music teacher said I have a really nice voice and should sing, so maybe I should do something. I also luv to read and I luv making new friends and am very pleased because this year I have made some really good, caring friends which say the nicest things to me. I am leaving school in a months time and am really looking forward to the college I am going to. And I have learnt a major lesson. When I am older, I would NEVER make my kids go through anything like what I had to go through, and I have learnt truly what it takes to be a good mother/oarent/grandparent.
Thanks again for being there for me.
xxxxxx Roma uh replied. Dear,
Looks like you have had a hard childhood. It is a good sign that you are seeking help. That is the first step to recovery. Try yoga. It is good to keep your stress level down. keep yourself busy. move with a good set of friends. Even I was subjected to some kind of abuse during my childhood but not to your extent. Believe me when you do something gr8 like finding a good, respectable job and finding love in your life this wound will go away. We cannot bring your grandpa back. Even when your mom does not say sorry I think she is feeling sorry. When she admits it, it might not be that important to you. So try yoga, eat well and have a healthy lifestyle. be confident. Nothing can beat the feeling of self-accomplishment. I will pray for your well-being.
friend indeed replied. Dear Friend,
I was shocked to hear your story. U have gone through n faced a lot. I will say You have been subjected to pain n anguish that is way more than any child should ever be subjected to. You have been through hell. But sweety the ordeal is over. U have come out of the tunnel. I will suggest the following if u please:
- U have born the burden of ur grandfather's anguish till the day he died...but now he is out of the picture ..repeat this to urself often \";He is out of the picture and I am not going to carry his aura with me for the rest of my life. He is out of my life and so are the torments he subjected me to. Its over.
-write all the things he subjected u to and then burn it down...along with the memories. You dont have to and you should not live with all this burden on your shoulders for the rest of your life.
- Dear there is a whole life waiting ahead of you...look forward to it, make plans for the future..dont waste a single minute of your life on the bygones.Keep yourself busy with the future plans. Make short term goals e.g. I will finish this book this week or I will see that place today and achieve them. Then by n by start making bigger plans.
- You are right in expecting an apology from your mother, but if she is too blind to see what she has done..too bad for her...eventually by the end of her life she will see what she has done and repent..but till then there is no need for you to put a halt to your life and happiness waiting for her to apologize. Is there?
Honey look at it this way...god has given u a wonderful life some of which this horrible person snatched away from you. But u still have a lot to live for ...there is a whole future ahead of u..to learn..to sing...to enjoy..to feel..to fall in love...to be loved. You have come out of the tunnel now and if you will just open your eyes u will see beautiful sunrise right in front of you. Let go..its over..allow yourself to heal n live.Best of luck.