Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hello Everyone,
I wrote sometimes back about my husband who is the elder son in the family and very much obedient to his parents. He is very much devoted towards them that sometimes I find him behaving like a slave. WE BOTH LUV EACH OTHER AND I DON'T HAVE ANY COMPLAINTS FROM MY HUBBY ON PERSONAL LEVEL BT THE ONLY THING IS HIS INDECISIVE NATURE AND DEPENDENCY ON HIS PARENTS FOR EVEN SMALL THINGS.
i had some bitter fights in the past with my inlaws on their interfering and controlling issue. And my husband supported his parents always even before my parents. Even at one point of time my parents intervened and I clearly told my husband that I can't live with his parents any more. But my parents made me compromise with the situation at that time. From that day, I have put my heart and soul to please my huaband and do everything to help and comfort in every issue and also neutralize every action my MIL does to provoke my husband and me. Though the success rate at time is 50-50.
Though through my constant efforts I have managed to minimize their interference to our private life to some extent. But still my MIL doesn't miss even a single chance to separate me from my husband and competes with me for him in very ways.
Recently, in my parental home, my elder brother got separated from my parents due to the bad repo of my bhabhi with my mother. When my inlaws came to know about this fact they called my husband and told him that see WHAT MY BROTHER DID WAS TOTALLY WRONG, ONE SHOULD NEVER LEAVE HIS PARENTS FOR A GIRL WITH WHOM U HAVE SPENT ONLY FEW YEARS. As IT IS UR PARENTS WHO BROUGHT U UP AND TEACH U HOW TO WALK AND SPEAK. SO U SHOULD NEVER LEAVE UR PARENTS AS U CAN FIND ANOTHER GIRL BUT NOT ANOTHER GIRL.
In the night, my husband told me about this opinion taking the context of my brother. I felt very sad after knowing this as thought I am managing with my inlaws and living with them in joint family but I don't know at what time I will loose my patience and want to get separated from them. I don't know but I felt really bad as all this has made a very wrong impression on my husband who is already BEHAVES MORE LIKE A SON THAN A HUSBAND AT HOME. PLS ADVISE WHAT SHOULD I DO :--(
appu replied. hi bubly,

i read ur message , ireally have the same problem but more serious as ive interferig MIL and SIL both....to add them is my loyal husband who never listens to me . at least u have ur loving husband with who at least listens to or give ear to ur problems.

and here have no body to listen to my feelings....
my mil's nature is very dominating without her word no body can move ...
and my husband is alive but as not alive for me ....
iam like a unwanted thing in the house.ive a daughter 0f 3yrs, she also dont respect b'cause of these people. my SIL decides what to wear n what not to wear for my daughter. when my daughter was a baby , if she sees her crying she wont give her to me instead she used to give my baby to my MIL, and my baby ussed to cry for me,my SIL is not here But she will be with us in few months or so .... just a thought of her gives me shiver.....

any way, from ur message i feel u dont have kids , if in future if u have ,iwarn never give ur child to these people as they will snach away ur baby....

i know u must be feeling bored..

but when i saw ur message i coud\";nt stop myself to share my feelings with u....
thanks for spending ur time reading and sharing my feelings.... diamond replied. Hi Bubly,

How are you doing? I read your other message as well about sharing your feelings with a true friend. I completely agree with you, infact I too feel the same way, that we all need someone 2 share our feelings, emotions with. We need a person in our lives whom we can talk about anything without any hesitation. And I wanted 2 see this thing in my hubby- but till now, I am not 100% free with him. There are many issues which I can not discuss with him , esp. about his parents, since he is too close 2 them & I don't get along with my in-laws. Its really sad 2 see my hubby as \";bali ka bakra\";...but there isn't much that I can do about it. I can not bend my self completely -adjustment has to be from both sides. It is almost impossible to live with someone who is too rigid, dominating and wants 2 impose his/her views on you for every single thing( My MIL is like that).

Even I have no issues with my hubby on personal front- I find him loving & caring, but when it comes to his parents, he doesn't want 2 understand anything.

Bubly, hats off 2 you for living with such people whom you dislike so much and moreover you hubby is not at all supportive. Whether you know it or not, but you have proved that you are bold. It is not at all easy living with interfering & insensitive in-laws, but I understand you had 2 make this compromise.

When your hubby talked about your brother- did you tell him that you are living with his parents inspite of so many differences, then why talk about someone else. Tell your hubby -this kind of comparison will make you more stubborn & insensitive towards them. When you are putting so much effort 2 adjust with his family, then why even discuss other girls( even if it is your bhabhi). Tell him that such useless discussions & comparisons can only lead 2 problems. It wouldn't solve or benefit the current situation, but will make it worse. Ask him- is that he wants, I am sure- he does not. When you talk about this with your hubby- sound like a brave girl, look into his eyes and be firm. This will give him a clear signal & he will think twice before speaking up anything.

By the way, do you know any such case from your in-laws family? I mean, someone from your in-laws's side must have done the same thing- like \";beta-bahu\"; move out from a joint family and start living separately ? If yes, then next time tell your hubby about them. Convey the message that it is very common now a days, so don't make an issue out of it.

See the irony, you have 2 listen from your in-laws beacuse your bhabhi doesn't get along with your mom and I have to listen because my bhabhi does get along well with my parents :-). My in-laws says, see your bhabhi is so nice 2 your parents, so why can't you be? How do I tell them, that my parents have treated my bhabhi just like their own daughter. They have tried their best 2 keep her happy, and ofcourse my bhabhi is a very very nice and understanding girl(touchwood). So, I guess it works both ways.

So you see, its almost difficult to please \";insensitive & dominating\"; in-laws. They can twist the facts & rules according to their convenience.

And as far as your hubby's indecisive nature & depedency on his parents are concerned- you can only talk about it with him in a polite way, because men can't take criticism easliy. Try 2 make him understand that he should behave like a mature adult. He should be capable of making his own decisions. Its okay 2 discuss certain matters with parents, but not every thing. Although my hubby does the same thing & I have also tried 2 explain my point- sometimes it works, but sometime it does not. So you have 2 keep patience. My MIL is so nosy that apart from the usual stuff ,she wants to know about our sex life, how often we have it & what contraceptives we use and so on. Now I have tried to put a stop, I don't give any attention 2 such questions. This has solved atleast some problem.

Good luck. sk replied. hey u should not worry about it that much, in todays life it is happening to every one, one thing i want to tell u never be a slave, u also have a right to live and don't care about mil that much i always tells my hubby that just do the right thing i leave my parents & everything and get marry to u if u won't care about me how will we spent our whole life together, god made us for each other i truely love u and if in some case my parents say something wrong to u i will always try to stop them but why can't u stand by me if ur parents r doing anything wrong with me
then my hubby realises he said i just want to do justice even if its my parents or u . So u always try to please ur hubby and try to find a chance when u could tell him somethimg about his parents when he is happy with u and tell him that don't bring my parent's homes matters in our life they r not living with us, i just belong to u n u just don't care about me, think if u were in my place. I m sure he must understand u.