Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hello everyone. I managed to discover this website yesterday and really want your advise on my issues. I have read through some of the issues we are all facing with MIL's and husbands.

I have been married 2 yrs and live in Europe. Mine was a love marriage and whilst my husband and I were dating for about 6 months, we did not have any issues at all. From the time we started involving my MIL I could slowly see some changes in my husband's loyalty towards me. In the first year of marriage, I faced a lot of verbal abuse from my MIL. We are both different religions. She abused my religion, my family, my cooking and everything else you can imagine. I was very naive when I got married and did not realise, but saw that there was a pattern to her abuse. Always when my husband was not around. In front of him, she always praises me. My DH is the only child and son and is very attached to his mother. When we got married he used to always involve his mother with our daily lives. So even though they live around 1 hr away from us, her presence always used to be felt as DH used to mention her in conversations at all times. Perhaps being the old child (he is 35 yrs old) he has a habit of checking with his mother before he makes any decision. He even decided with her about buying our present flat (still not living with them) and she she agreed that it's ok to use my salary to pay for it and that she would babysit out kids (we do not have any as yet). DH thinks that whatever his mother says is correct, without even questioning it. My MIL does not have a good relationship with her husband (my FIL) and keeps badmouthing him in front of me too. DH also thinks that his father is a bad person, that all my family are bad, that all my MIL's family are good and that my FIL's family are bad......He basically follows his mother for every opinion, even related to movies ! I was so shocked to see this childish side of DH that I could not bring myself to have sex with him. It took us one year to consumate our marriage and I must say DH was very patient with me about that.

Basically, over the past 2 yrs I have gotten to know the habits of my MIL, very sweet to the outside world, but very bitter when it comes to me or my family, religion, etc. I think I can handle her, even, in the long future, but what bothers me is the attitude of my DH.

- the fact that he is so dependant on his mother for every decision, makes me feel as if I am nothing for him
- he never used to speak to my parents (who live in India) but has started speaking to them on the phone now. However, each time we visit them, he refuses to stay at their house (upon his parents instructions). He does not even visit the house as he expects my parents to run after him.
- I was intially silent about the way my MIL used to treat me, but have started to tell him about that, but still get no sympathy or support or anything from him.
- We used to spend entire weekends with them, ie go to their house on Friday and come back to our house on Monday ! Now, we have cut it down to meeting them one weekend a month.
- During the first year of marriage, MIL did not let me carry out my religious duties (for certain festivals). She always made a big drama and DH also followed her and almost prevented me from keeping my fast. Inspite of all that, I still kept my fast.
- I try to keep as far away as possible from her, and try to talk about netural topics, but she is aware of everything that goes on in our lives, as DH meets her everyday for lunch and gives her like a \";report\"; on our lives !
- I thought things were improving, when DH said that he wanted us to move in with his parents. I refused and we have had long arguments about that.
- DH refuses to acknowledge or accept what his mother does to me and expects me to bear all her insults.
- Since MIL knows some of my extended family here, in Europe, she and DH try their best to prevent me from meeting them. I do fight it out and go and meet my family, but each time it is such an effort that it drains me completely.

Basically, I can handle my MIL, if my husband were supportive. I want him to :
- start depending on me and the 2 of us start taking joint decisions like husband / wife.
- to be more open towards my family who have done nothing wrong
- to recognise that there are issues with his mother that, least of all, he should try not to start following her instructions.

I have doubts :
- I cannot trust him, as he agrees one thing with me and then changes his mind after listening to his mother.
- we do not have a child as yet, but I fear if he will be able to love the child ?

I am tired of the same things happening again and again. All our fights are brought to one conclusion, no matter what the issue is, the origin is that he followed his mother's advise.

I dont know if I should discuss these matters openly with him (including stating that him being such a mama's boy) puts me off sexually. I dont know if I should give him the ultimatum.

Pls give me some advise.

Thanks.
me too replied. Mine was also arranged marriage, and i really took time in selecting a husband. Whats the use?! Now I am also carrying the same pain which you are having.
Diamond i appreciate you for your advice. It is painful to realize that the person whom we trusted is not all the same and we are back to facing our life on our own, with the added burden from the marriage. Whenever our DH or mil or sil illtreats our family, we are the ones to weep for the situation and to cover up our family prestige!
It is so sad to see how these guys can easily get brainwashed by everyone except his wife, who came to share her life, leaving all her relatives!
I hope atleast some indian brides would have got their dream lives!
Everyone hurts me so much that i am unable to carry love for them including my DH. I live just for myself, just because of the fact that i can't die on my own :-( lively replied. Tape record one of the conversations that she has with you with out her knowledge. I know it sounds vindictive and vicious but we have to do whatever is necessary to protect our marriage. I think your mil is a bitter person. she could not save her marriage with your fil and she wants you to undergo the same thing. Yes give your dh an ultimatum. If she is taking over your life and walking all over you now, imagine after kids she will make you a doormat and throw you out like trash. If you feel taping your conversation will not help. call him during this time and don't answer him. or have a friend at the house whenever she drops in. Either way you have to get the message to your husband that his mother is not all that he sees in her. dil replied. I'm also in the same situation like you, I haven't been able to make my husband understand that he should make independent decisions and come out of the influence of his mother, but I told him exactly how I felt, and what my MIL & FIL did and how is being a mama's boy, this has not helped me in making my husband re-think but has atleast made me healthy and get on with my life, otherwise I used to have these thoughts constantly in my head. We have to be healthy and take care of ourselves. Hope this helps a little. Take care. tear replied. oh my dear i am so far from you but the situation here is the same - husbunts aways respect their mothers more then their wives dil replied. Hopefulsoul - Even I'm exactly in the same position as you, but mine is an arranged marriage, I just don't know what to do except to ignore. diamond replied. Mine story is also like yours. My hubby also follows my MIL-FIL's instructions( although not 100%, but very close 2 it). When he gives them every minute details about our life , I feel like telling him-grow up man!! but ofcourse I can't say that, so I just keep mum. I understand that children & parents share a special bond and there is nothing wrong if he talks to his parents, but what irritates me most is when he gives them each & every detail like what time we get up, what we eat, where we go,what we buy blah blah...and then my MIL, who thinks, she is the smartest person on this planet, keeps pouring unasked and unwanted advices & suggestions about what I should do & what not. This makes me mad. I ask my hubby not 2 tell them every little thing because that causes more trouble for me,but he doesn't seem 2 understand my point.

In my opinion, when a girl marries, somewhere in her heart she has already made a picture of her would be husband. she wants to see some heroic qualities in her husband- by heroic qualities, I mean the courage, ability of making his own decisions, bold and independent. But when she notices that her husband goes to his parents for every little thing and unable to make any decision on his own( specially like household issues- as u mentioned the movie recommendation, or buying a house, furniture, etc.), she just can not accept it. The image of a husband that she had in her mind, is completely broken apart. She expects her husband 2 be strong and protective, both physically and emotionally. She wants her hubby 2 ask for her opinions in finacial and other family related matters. She expects him 2 enhance her position in the community and in social circles.

After marriage, every girl wants 2 setup a home, where she wants 2 do things according 2 her choice, not what her MIL wants. She wants 2 have her own little world, but this dream is shattered when in-laws interfere too much and act over-possessive and 2 top of it, DH doesn't understand her feelings. What our in-laws don't realize is that they themselves had the same dreams & expectations when they were newly married. My in-laws always lived alone and enjoyed their whole life the way they wanted. Now if I want the same thing, they just can not accept it. When you aren't getting your freedom, privacy and what you need or want from your loved one, you feel hurt and I think that's the case with you now.

I am assuming you have tried 2 make your DH see the reason, but nothing has worked , so my advice would be instead of trying 2 convince him 2 change, why not change your approach 2 the situation? Why not be more strategic and pragmatic? Be more flexible and creative. Spend more time trying to figure out what might work as opposed 2 being hell bent on driving your point home.

I have tried 2 analyse your points-

1. You said- he never used 2 speak 2 your parents & never stays at your
parents' place-Next time when you visit your parents,you can tell your hubby politely that you would be really happy if he can stay there and be nice 2 your parents.If he agrees, then good for you,if he doesn't-let him do whatever he wants.But make it very clear 2 him that next time,you will also do the same thing.Tell him, that one thing is certain: a marriage cannot survive when
only one person is committed 2 it and the other person is totally ignorant of his/her partner's feelings. You enjoy with your parents,he can not stop you from doing that.

2. When you tell your Dh about your MIL's rude behavior, don't be emotional. You have 2 sound like
that you are not complaining about her, you are just telling him what you didn't like and then ask for his opinion- like,what do you think this is right? I know, intially he will surely try 2 defend his Mom -you just keep quiet and say -Okay, if you say so. After 3-4 incidents, I am sure he can not tell you the same story again & again that his Mom is so good or she didn't mean like this & that blah blah.

3. You have 2 win your hubby's love & confidence. Yours is a love marriage, so I am sure, your husband must be having some good qualities. So love him completely(I am not asking you 2 pretend). Once he starts trusting you, many of your problems will go away. After all your husband should be your first priority in your marraige, not your MIL and her insensitive behavior. Try 2 ignore her actions. If she says something 2 you, that you don't like,you can answer her back(politely), that,\";mummy ji, please I dont like this\"; .


4. And what the hell is this-how can they even stop you from observing your festivals??? Dear you are in the 21st century- please, stand up for yourself. You don't have 2 ask for their permission.If you want 2 follow your custom, you are very much independent 2 do so. If they don't like it,give a damnn. You do what you like- as far as this religion thing is concerned. You are not making fun of their customs/traditions, you are just following your religion. So nothing
wrong with that.

5. Act smart- atleast in the cases where your MIL is involved. Don't try 2 directly blame her for everything. You have to sit, think and decide what issues are important for you. You have 2
differentiate between trivial & important issues. Spend your energy on those matters which are worth fighting for- igonre the trivial things.

6. About the ultimatum thing- I feel you should give some more time 2 think upon it. Right now you are making this decision in anger.

Talk to your husband openly what you want from him & this marriage and what you can give him. If there are minor changes that you can do for him, then I would say, go for it, beacuse change is reciprocal. See, it might work for you. You are wasting precious energy holding on to your anger and ego. It's exhausting 2 feel resentment day in and day out.

In other words, define your bottom line for your marriage. A bottom line is the defining mark between what you will accept and what you absolutely won't accept from your spouse.

Dear,life is short. We only have one go-around. Make your relationship the best it can possibly be.

I wish you good luck.