Parents of Preschoolers  Discussion Forum

hi friends,
i am here to get some advise from u all.i have a 2yr old baby.i have alwayz wished to have only one child as i feel that we as parents would be able to give undivided attention to the child' s growth n progress and try to build up a positive n confident personality.but my husband has a different opinion, he feels that my daughter needs a brother or a sister to share her life, joys n sorrows and enjoy life with a sibling.i feel we can be very good friend n guide to my daughter so we do not need to have another child as i dont feel i can take very good care of two kids together.i am 30 now n my husband is 38.
time is running out!!!wat do u all feel?do my daughter really need a bro/sis or can we be everything for her? if she really needs a sibling when should i think of another child? plz guide... thanx in advance for all ur suggestions !!!
Bhuvan replied. Hi,
We too have a 15 month old baby girl and have no wish to ever have a second child (forget in-laws). Though there is an old saying - AN ONLY CHILD IS A LONELY CHILD. Still its an entirely personal decision. Supriya replied. Me and my husband , none is a single child. I am 28 and he is 31 and we have a 2 n a half yr old princess and these Indian societies..u must have a boy or at least..another baby to give her company etc..NAH..we dont believe all this. The world does nothing more as to c-operate nurturing your baby except playing with him or her at some get togethers. You alone have sleepless nights when the kid is not well.We both have decided that we being the only earning hands in a family of 6 and belonging to a not very rich family would not go for a second kid, so as we be able to live our life too and give the best to our daughter, be it time, love, attention or facilities, studies etc.I todays financial world, if you wish to give your kid the best you need to think over these matters.And you can alays make your kid join dance classes or anything that she likes so as she has no empty time to miss a company and I feel this is much better than letting ur kid simply play on the roads and not enhancing any of her skills.And moreover having a second kid at this age would have an effect on you physically too and by the time you would be old for responsibilties you would be still thinking of settling the second kid...then where would your own life go?when will you live your life?We are not born just to produce and raise kids..isn' t it?:-) Mel replied. Hi. We faced the same issue. My husband is an only child and wanted to have only one child. I, on the other hand grew up with a brother, and thought it would be nice for my child to have a sibling. Most people whom I spoke to, all said the same thing, ' Have 2 children at least.' But, everyone gave the same logic.... so that your child can have company. And somehow, that logic wasn' t valid enough.

Ever since I was pregnant, I have been religiously reading the ' What to Expect' Series. These books have answered most of my pregnancy and child rearing related questions, not just with answers, but with valid, scientific logic.

Since we were going through the same dilemma, I referred to the ' What to Expect Toddler Years' book, and it was amazing what the authors wrote.

They said that you should only have a second child if YOU want a second child, not because others say that it is the right thing to do. While most parents will advocate having more than one child, THOSE VERY PARENTS will spend a large amount of their time neglecting the older child while caring for the younger sibling (this is not done purposely, but you have to BF your newborn, take more care and pay more attention. Even if you consciously make an effort to try and spend ' quality time' with your older child, there will be times, when he will be left alone, and when he will feel neglected.

The most compelling reason that the authors gave... which immediately helped us make our minds up was that.... RESEARCH HAS PROVEN THAT SINGLE CHILDREN ARE MORE LIKELY TO EXCEL IN THEIR CHOSEN FIELDS OF CAREERS. That is not to say that children with siblings cannot excel. They can too. But, single children are more likely, they have more of the raw material. And the main reason for this is the UNDIVIDED ATTENTION they get from their parents. This has a tremendous positive effect on their psyche. While my parents gave my brother and me an excellent upbringing... we had everything we could wish for... my aspirations as an individual were high. But, my husband' s aspirations were somewhat exceptional. He wouldn' t stop at anything. He knew what he wanted. ANd there is an amazing sense of self confidence that he possesses.

I don' t mean to put anyone down, this is my personal opinion. In fact, I too have been raised with a sibling. And I love my brother dearly. But, there were times that I used to go through tremendous inner conflict about my parents liking my brother more. My brother went through similar turmoil in his younger years.

My husband has a different logic. He says that if we have one child, we don' t have to compromise, but if we have two children, we HAVE to. An example that he gives me is... if I want to start saving money for my son, and I have 20000 expendable money every month, then I can put 20000 in my son' s name, if there are 2 children, then we have to put only 10000 in each ones name. If our son comes to us and tells us he wants to go to Harvard and the fees are x lakhs, we can manage to put him there, but if we have a younger child to think about, then we may not be able to afford 2 Harvard educations. As a result, both children would lose out on the best possible education.

Ultimately, the decision is yours. I' m 30 and my son is almost 2, and frankly I don' t have the energy to go through this again. I enjoyed every moment of raising him and caring for him, but it has tired me out considerably.