Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

hi everone,thanks so much for your response to my last post,especially august born.i have posted a reply n a little query on the original message also,plz see it.
Becoz of the past incidents that have happned in my life my hubby n i have fought too much in my first 1/2 yrs of marriage.i regret argueing with him n spoiling my realtion to an extent.we now understand each other better,but occassionally do argue still.
my bro is going to get married probably end of this yr,n recalling the past incidents i told my hubby that i will not want his parents to attend the wedding.he said ok fine,no problem,i should've left it at that...but then me being me:( i questioned him further to know if that would hurt him..n he said yes of course.he said how would u feel if he did'nt invite my parents for his bros wedding which was last year.n how can u predict how my parents will behave at your bro's wedding.when i was upset he even said ok u invite them n i will tell them not to go for the wedding(of course haf-heartedly)
yes he had invited them personally n lovingly but tht was bcoz his parents had snubbed them.(like i said in my last post) so just him saying this made me feel like he was comparing n being unfair.we argued for 2 days after that.can u plz tell me if this is just me being unreasonable?
or is it only fair on his part to want them invited? i donno this one incident makes me feel as if my hubby just does'nt get it. he still does'nt understand the bad behaviour of his parents,n somehow compares my actions with his.
one more example is after coming back from india from bro in laws wedding,i got really bitter towards my in-laws n don't call them regularly like in the past anymore.i speak to them like once in a month or even less.as it is whenever i do speak,apart from losing my mind n being fake nice,i have to also listen to same ol questions.when r u gonna get pregnant? when will u'll come back? .u.s is faltu place,come back.
abt the the not calling much thing,my hubby does'nt seem to mind,but i have noticed that he too has stopped speaking to my parents like before,n is not as enthu while talking to them.
mebbe he thinks if she does not,y should i? i really don't understand this.he knows i have so many reasons to behave the way i do.my parents as it is have been subject to my in laws abusing ways,n i don't want them to now have a son-in law who ignores them.i think they deserve his love at least,esp when they treat him like their own son.
please comment on this everyone.vd,augustborn i'm really looking fwd to this one.
thanks

augustborn replied. To begin with, its good that you have realised that you should not have let the bitterness towards your IL's behaviour spoil your relationship with your husband.
1. Remember, hes the one who stood by you(like he should have) and hes the one who corrected the wrong his parents had done. It is very natural for you to react the way you did...but again its good that you understand that its foolish to spoil your own relation with him.
2. Coming to your brothers marriage, I feel you should invite them. Its a decent thing to do. You would be doing it for the sake of your husband(though your IL's may not desserve it). Speak to him about this and explain that you thought about it and realised that it would hurt him if you didnt invite his parents and obviously since you love him so much, you would do it for him. Later its upto your IL's to attend or not, you would have done your duty...
3. You dont have to call your IL's if you dont want to but when your husband calls them, dont resent it. It is good that he doesnot pressurises you to speak to them. Explain to him calmly that you are very hurt by their behaviour and it will take time for you to get over that hurt. Also, explain to him that you dont like the personal questions they ask you and leave it at that.
4. Regarding your husband's interaction with your parents, like all men(well almost all)he has taken this as a personal vendetta...Well, there isnt much you can actually do about it. Apart from asking him to speak to them, whenever you call. This is a temp phase, dont worry about it much. I believe this has triggered due to your recent fights regd. his parents...
5. Most important of all, make peace with yourself. Donot let these incidents poison your relation with your husband. Remember, he knows their shortcomings but it is difficult for him to acknowledge them to you. You be fair in your dealings, it will put your mind at ease...

Best of luck! a dil replied. Hi Primrose,

you mentioned somewhere in your problem "i have to also listen to same ol questions.when r u gonna get pregnant? when will u'll come back? .u.s is faltu place,come back."

I wonder if all in-laws have the same questions. My in-laws ask me exact same things. I am just fed up of it. And you know now I have just stopped calling them. There's no point of being faking nice. If you don't like someone then fine you don't have to fake it. I used to do it earlier i.e. call all my in-laws on regular basis and as vd said we raise our expectations and then at the end we get badly hurt. So finally I have made up my mind I won't call on my own. If my hubby does then fine I will talk and if they call then I will talk but will be nice only within my limits. And I 100% agree with vd that And when relations are sour, every word is misunderstood. It happens with me all the time.

All the best! vd replied. Hi primrose,

Make up your mind. Be yourself. I tried this initially, but it all looks fake at the end of the day. If you feel affection towards a person, it is good. If no, then don't fake it.Because indirectly we raise our expectations and then get up ending hurt.

I have stopped calling totally. Believe me, every time you call you have expectation that will talk to you in a nice way, and when it does not happen you are more hurt. And when relations are sour, every word is misunderstood.

At the end of the day you are trying to please your husband but it creates more tensions. And this tag of being a bad bahu stays even then. It is not worth it.

Try this out- Don't call them for 2 months.You will be at peace with yourself.

Regarding question of getting pregnant, please talk to your husband (explain pyar se) that he has to talk to his parents that it is your personal matter and they should not talk to you in this regard. Both of you have to be firm that it is personal choice. augustborn replied. Dear Primrose...
I read your post and I am gonna reply to this one...have to cook dinner right now so dont want to answer you in a hurry...just hang on there...i have a lot to say on this one...