Planning a Baby  Discussion Forum

I am 26 years old female from India. I had some bitter relationships in past. I went into depression also. Because of that i changed lots of jobs. After a long time when i joined a new job, i found my one of senior attracted towards me. On finding this i told him about my last relationship and tried to avoid him, but he forced me to stop avoiding him. I tried to test him so that i should not get hurt again. I came to know that he is married with two daughters. But his relationship with his wife was ruined up. He also introduced his family with me who said the same thing for his wife. After few meetings we discussed very serious issues about ourselves and i find that he is very mature person and really understand me. We came closer and he met my family too. After two years we came more closer and got involved in a serious relationship. He start talking about getting divorce from his wife and settling down with me. This increased my trust and we also had physical relation. But soon after that he gradually started behaving different. Now he is getting normal at his home with his wife and also had another baby boy a year back. His wife and kids are Canadian Citizens but not him. He had started to say me that for getting Canadian Citizenship he has to spent two continuous years in Canada. He also say that he loves me very much and don' t want to leave me. But the problem is now he has started to pin point me on everything and after any small things he fights with me like hell and bring out my past in quarrels. I feel helpless to answer back. He also force me that if he will make relation with me he don,t want baby with me, as he is already having 3 kids from his wife and cant afford another..Also he now don,t want to give divorce to his wife and is convincing me that once he will become Canadian, he can live with me without separation from her according to Canadian law.
He has also talked to my parents about coming along with me but all these new things are not in knowledge of them. They just want any mutual adjustment between him and his wife, or they want his parents to support us, to which he refuses as they can' t ruin their social image by supporting us. He is giving me verbal assurance that he will settle me in every sense. But he can' t get divorce for sake of his children.
Now I am confuse that should i believe his emotional conditions and must support him. Or I must think about myself. At some point I also feel that he loves me and cares to be with me, but somewhere I also feel like he dominates me too much because of my past and wants me to become agree to his conditions only. He is 11 years older than me. I feel very much attached to him that i will end my life if this relation will break up.
Kindly suggest all possibilities in this matter.

My questions are:
1. Does such relationships can get social acceptance after living together?
2. Is there any thing that i can do to assure my security in future, if he don' t give divorce?
3. Is there any complication for me if his wife create legal objection?
4. If I want to continue in this relation what should i do to have more emotional compatibility?

I am awaiting of your opinions.. Winny replied. Hi Again Ammu,

I do hope u are out of this relationship by now.

I am telling you this as a person who was in a relationship with a guy for 10 YEARS. He started sleeping around with other girls.

My parents even disowned me!!

After 10 yars, I left him with great difficulty, then tried to kill myself while he was getting married to aused up girl whom he knew only for three months.

I was living in a country where there were not many Asians living so i had NO friends at all...just like your situation.

But a friend introduced me to internet dating site...now am married to a great guy who worship me...even trying for a baby!!

IF I CAN DO IT, YOU CAN DO IT TOO!! Winny replied. Hi!!

STOP wasting your precious life on a looser like your married lover!
He is just having the best of both worlds by using both of you!!

Already you have seen:
1) he lied to you by saying he will leave his wife.
2) He brings up YOUR past when he IS living a fake life by hiding you from his wife.

He will NEVEr leave his wife coz that is his comfort zone as far as society is concerned.

If he leave her, He will have to pay maintanance to his wife and kids if he leave her.
He will have to give her part of their shared property.
He will be charged with audltry which will damage his reputation in society and in his job.

Are you telling me that you are sooo ugly that YOU feel no man would love you again?
Are you trying to tell me that people without AIDS dont fall in love with people WITH AIDS.
So, if such things can happen, then you DEFINETELY will find a great guy to marry.

BUT FIRST, DUMP THAT TWO TIMING LOSER. GOOD LUCK Hope replied. Dear Ammu My heart really goes out to you yaar, I' m very much a woman so i can' t think from guys point of view but i surely know that guy doesn' t mean good for u. Besides a guy has already answered on this post earlier so u can understand that even a guy doesn' t think it to be right.
I feel no girl should be in such a situation.I' m nobody to judge you but i feel u r into him more as u don' t have anyone close to you besides him.U really need to be out of THIS to THINK clearly. Why don' t u persue ur hobbies n keep busy ? I know, I know...It' s easier said than done.
I don' t understand why u want to be other woman in his life.Sometimes I wonder what will his kids feel abt u when they come to know abt his ways....U r just 26 dear n he' s using u...Read ur 1st post again dear u said things changed after u got physical with him doesn' t that ring bell.U said he' s concerned abt u n his way of loving is different I' m sorry to be sharp but u r fooling urself i' ve heard same reasons from my frd for not giving up this relationship....she too felt her past would come up to haunt her ....she felt she loves him love n thats enough,it' s ok if he doesn' t love her the same way...saw the similarities???? Now c further....
My frd fell for this guy in her office...she too knew before being involved in relationship that the guy is married n hav a kid. The relationship was casual for a yr then things took turn after she got physically involved with him.....He would call her be loving to her but only when he wanted when she was upset n felt like leaving him he cajoled her back into relationship this went on for 2 more yrs...her parents were worried abt her her father even suffered a stroke when he came to know this guy won' t marry her as promised....she kept thinking of ways to harm her if not allowed to be in this relationship...she just kept telling me who knows i may not even get somebody who will love me atleast this much, i think she was concious abt her looks so she felt extremely unworthy n insecure....she felt she may never find love again.She failed to c loving frds n family around her but God helped her to come out of it....we were dining at a restaurant one day n unexpectedly we saw him with his family he was very much involved with them....he had lied to her that he doesn' t get along with his wife that kept her thinking how she was cheated....there' s more to it but i just wanted u to know the circumstances u r not alone, Most of the girls r tricked this way in a relationship. U atleast need to be out of this relationship for few days to think clearly.... There is no fun in being other Woman.....Read ur 1st post again u will find ur answers in it...It' s u who hav chose to be in this relationship, dear frd....If u want u can come out of it , pls give it a try once....
The concern he is showing to u ur good frds (be it a guy or a girl) will show u the same,Think abt it. Hope replied. Let' s focus on u...Don' t u want someone to be with u always, someone who' ll love u n take care of u. Don' t u want a stable relationship where u would love grow. Don' t u want u to see ur child playing around u , above all don' t u want ur Parents to be in peace of mind to see their daughter happily settled and to shed their worries that there' s someone to look after u when they r not around. These securities ur partner won' t give u. ur parents r supporting u coz they love u n they think u r happy to be with him....Just let them know once that u want to be out of this relationship n settle with a real guy...they' ll help u out. Hope replied. Let' s focus on u...Don' t u want someone for urself, someone who' ll love u n take care of u. Don' t u want a stable relationship where u would love grow. Don' t u want u to see UR child playing around u hugging u loving u, above all don' t u want ur Parents to be in peace of mind to see their daughter happily settled and to shed their worries that there' s someone to look after u when they r not around. These securities ur BF won' t give u. ur parents r supporting u coz they love u n they think u r happy to be with him....Just let them know once that u want to be out of this relationship n settle with a real guy...they' ll help u out. Hope replied. And for that guy he' ll not let u go so easily he court u back, he' ll be sweeter like never before, he' ll make promises of divorcing his wife, He' ll threaten u n ur family, He will do everything possible to win u back not because he loves u but b' coz he thinks he posseses u n u r his property.I know sometimes It feels good when someone shows so much possesiveness but remember it' s not love.He may leave u if he finds someone better than u he' s under no binds not to leave u can he leave his wife? does he hav guts to tell his wife he LOVES someone?How can he prevent her from coming back n for how long?It' s not that easily possible...U r just 26 u hav gr8 life ahead...Can u go away for a long time may be 10-15 days n don' t be in touch with him at all? U r in darkness of this relationship which is giving u momentary pleasures but just make a little effort n try coming out of this darkness n into the light of future see the new horizons the life has to offer,Once u r out u' ll c so much happiness around.....Have faith in urself n I' m sure u' ll b able to do it. PLS PLS PLS don' t go into this relationship anymore u hav no idea how much suffering there is in future.
I just can pray to give u enough strength to come out of this...but it' s U who have to do something abt it. Take care. Hope replied. Ammu My Msg is in Part as i can post whole msg together.
Hey Ammu, Sorry had some loging in probs so couldn' t reply u at the earliest, Infact i was so worried abt u that i checked for ur reply every other day...I feel so strongly about ur ' Love situation' ....It feels as if it' s happening again, remember i told u abt my frd. I remember how she kept crying for more than 3 months she kept calling me late at night telling she' ll kill herself n all, but as she was my frd I had decided to pull her out of this. with the help of other frds, we kept her busy with some or the other activity it was so tough initially but we succeded n now she' s happily married. Trust me Ammu, it seems tough but u' ll come out of this all u need is right support around u n not the negative ones. I' ve seen my frd suffering n i can imagine how it must be for u? Ur so called boyfrd will never live up to his words. Just try to think for few mins....he has not done anything till now whatever he promised, he has involved alot of ppl(ur family too) in this. He knows this might prevent u from leaving him. He wants to have u after u get married.I can imagine what a conman he is as ur Parents fell for his trap too. The so called Good qualities u r talking abt...where r those when he' s bringing up past again n again.If he really loves u he would never belittle u.The good qualities u r talking abt u' ll find in ur future partner too, Trust me.I think ur guy has more of unwanted qualities. Hope replied. Dear Ammu
It angers me to know that guy is using u. He wants to sail in 2 boats at the same time...pls as a frd i would like to advise u to stay away from him...in coming years i c another heartbreak for u. He will never leave his wife as he has many benefits from her(else why would he have another child). He may not be emotionally (n may b sexually)compatible with her but try to c where this goes for YOU. He' s started bringing up ur past which is not acceptable as the person who loves u will never ever bring up ur past again n again. he dominates u coz he fears u may leave him but trust me u leaving him will benefit only u....he will never give u the kind of security u need. Just think...if in future u would want to have a child someone to call ur own will u be able to do that. Who will be ur companion when u grow old or when u need someone. He has once went back on his words he promised he' ll divorce his wife n he didn' t u still believe him when he says he' ll look after u.....u still trust him for that???? U feel u' ll end ur life if this relationship breaks....i don' t mean to be sharp but breaking from this relationship will give u new life whereas his emotional torture is one going to make u think of taking ur life.I' m this bitter as My frd had similar exp. in past n I almost lost her thanks to God she had her senses back in time.I can clearly c where it' s, going dumping him is the best thing...u' ll be depressed initially but have enough frds around to support u...just try to weigh the future with m n without him. Think abt what securities u want n can u live without it.What has that guy given u besides physical satisfaction.Remember person who loves u will always go extra mile for u n not viceversa. Ammu, it' s still not late plssss open ur eyes n see. Parmesh replied. First of all it is very unfortunate that you have got yourself entangled in this mess. At the first place you should have avoided this man after your first unsuccessful encounter with your boy friend.Anyways its better late than never. Try to move away from this person because all his acts proves that he is being very selfish and taking you for granted. You have fallen trapped to him. Intially he told you that he would divorce his first wife but later he didnt do that. Anyways I would like to answer ur questions :
1. Such relationships do not get social acceptance because defintely your are not going to get recognised in the society.
2. No I dont think you can assure ur security other than marriage.
3. Yes atleast in India without divorce a man cannot marry another woman. Am not sure about Canadian law.
4. Except illegitimate sex you will not get anyhting from this man.
Please find a way of yourself. You might get a good partner in future. Its better late than never. All the best. Act soon. Parmesh replied. First of all it is very unfortunate that you have got yourself entangled in this mess. At the first place you should have avoided this man after your first unsuccessful encounter with your boy friend.Anyways its better late than never. Try to move away from this person because all his acts proves that he is being very selfish and taking you for granted. You have fallen trapped to him. Intially he told you that he would divorce his first wife but later he didnt do that. Anyways I would like to answer ur questions :
1. Such relationships do not get social acceptance because defintely your are not going to get recognised in the society.
2. No I dont think you can assure ur security other than marriage.
3. Yes atleast in India without divorce a man cannot marry another woman. Am not sure about Canadian law.
4. Except illegitimate sex you will not get anyhting from this man.
Please find a way of yourself. You might get a good partner in future. Its better late than never. All the best. Act soon.