When there is a clash between the 'saas' and 'bahu,' the husband often takes his mother's side. Why is this so?
If two of your friends had a fight, what would you do? Unless you are in high school, you will not fight with someone just because a friend of yours had a fight with him or her. You would either stay out of the picture, or would try and mediate a reconciliation.
Some men adopt this policy at home as well, and prefer staying out of squabbles between the mother and daughter-in-law. But many men get into the thick of things, and try playing judge or placing the blame - and all too often the blame falls on the wife.
If your mother comes to you and complains about the behaviour of your wife, that in itself should be a sign that she is trying to create trouble between the two of you. If she is upset by something your wife said, she should speak about it to your wife directly, and they should clear it out amongst themselves. If she still wants you to know about it, let her speak to you in front of your wife and not behind her back. Do not react until you have given your wife a chance to present her side of the story.
Never, ever fight with your wife in front of your mother. It will only double her hurt. If you feel your wife was harsh with your mother for whatever reason, speak to her about it in private, and keep an open mind to listen to her point of view. Speak to her as a friend would, without blaming her. Remember, your wife is not a goddess or a saint. Yes, she does have flaws, and so does your mother. It is hard enough to adjust to each other as a couple, and expecting her to adjust to your parents as well, on a permanent basis, is bound to be very hard on her.
If you and your wife were still living with your parents, they do have a say in how the home is run. But if you have moved out of your parent's home and they come and live with you, they have no business telling your wife how to run her home. They should give suggestions only when their suggestions are solicited, and not otherwise.
If your mother has said something to your wife that has upset her, don't take it lightly. Just because you see nothing demeaning in it, doesn't mean your wife doesn't either. If she is upset, it shouldn't have been said. This doesn't mean you go back and fight with your mother, but you should definitely see things from your wife's point of view and be more understanding. Most husbands would probably defend their mothers and try and get their wives to see their mother's point of view. That's definitely the wrong course of action to take. Not only does your husband realize that your mother has stepped out of line, but he still expects you to be more understanding. "She meant well." It Doesn't Matter! All interference can be couched under the guise of meaning well. Don't brush your wife's feelings aside. If you want peace in the house, tell your mother not to interfere. After all, does your wife keep telling your mother how she should be doing things?