Relationships  Discussion Forum

i am sarika aged 28 yrs,been married for 3 yrs n have a baby girl 1 yr old.
we live abroad ,where people here dont speak english.
my story is too long as i myself want to know what my problems are n solve them by
ur help so that i keep myself n people around me happy.

let me start from the beginning,ours is love marriage intercaste n inter-religious hez
a hindu n me a christian.we have no troubles regarding this in our married life.
we met through a common friend n liked each other dated for 2 years n then married
i am a post graduate n soon after studies i was married so thr was no space for job.
my parents were aganist marriage but i convinced them n thy got us married in hindu
tradition,(which i feel hurt them a lot)this was all bcoz my husband insisted on hindu
marriage for his fathers sake.(intially we both agreed on court marraige)
my husband tortured me n my family a lot telling his father is a heart patience n
evrything went according to his n his parents choice.there on started our troubles.
i spoke to my inlaws before marriage that i am a very rigid about my religion n
will not change my self as a hindu after marriage.if they are ok with that then we will
go for marriage otherwise itz fine that we will drop.they said they are ok with it.

later they started harassing me n my husband for money n also emotional blackmailing
telling that if he would marry girl of their choice they would have got dowry n they
would have lived happily with that money without disturbing their son.they keep telling
my husband that i am very arrogant n dominating i have made my husband henpecked,which
troubles my husband a lot bcoz of them he thinks i do as his parents tell.which is just
his wrong conception.i never speak to my inlaws as i have no respect left for them
neither do they speak.my husband keeps calling them from outside n sends money everymonth

when i ask him about his parents r money matters he just tells i have no right to ask
about money as he is the earning person n knows what to do with his money when i ask
about phone calls telling why dont u call from home,he tells u make unnecessary fuss
when i call my parents so just to avoid thati call from outside?(but right from the
first day of marriage he never spoke infront of me with his parents).

these are issues from my inlaws side coming to our personal life
we moved out of country 5 months past our marriage ,then afetr completeion of first
wedding anniversary i conceived. when i was 7 months preagnant i went to india delivered
a baby girl my husband came to see her n thn when my baby was 8 months old i came here
with her.my inlaws never came to see me when i was preagnant neither the 8 months when
baby n me were in india,they came only once when their son came to india to see our baby.
i returned from india to my husband n there on everyday there was a fight for every petty
issue.
1.my husband does not respect me n my emotions ,he always tries insult me verbally n
phsycically.he even insults my parents n family members.as a result even i start doing
the same.

2 he is computer crazy and spends all his leisure in front of his laptop,which irritates
me to highest.he has a website business.
he hardly speaks to me ,asks if i need something,spends little time with baby,n not evn
little with me.
he tells thatz his craze n does not want to leave it even if i leave him.

3 the country we live does not speak english ,n i have no people to spend time.neither
he is interested to take me out as i cannot go alone. i am really having hard time alone
as if isolated,desserted alone.

4 i have no good relation with my inlaws n i cant share this with my parents as i
dont want to trouble them more.but yesterday my husband told all this to my parents.
they really felt hurted about all this but thy just told both of us to adjust as such
things happen in marriages.

5 he also abuses me that i dont take good care of him n his child.he always complains
that i dnt feed the baby ,take good care,etc
but i do everything for him n baby afterall am her mother
i cook clean vessels laundry keep the home clean n i am happy with that as thtz a wifes
responsibility.
i dont trouble him to take baby,i keep her all the time with me.
he still acts weird ,if i satrt crying he goes mad n speaks all rubbish words.n calls
my home n speaks rubbish about me.he tells i am neither a good mother nor wife.

this happens everyday
all i expect is to spend some time with me,take me out once in a week,n be a little soft n loving

earlier he was very caring n loving i dnt understand why he has changed so much where his
behaviour is become intolerable to me.
i was sick for sometime after i came here i had fissure from which i used to suffer with bleeding
n pain evryday like hell.he was not even bothered to ask wat happen,when i asked him to take me to
hospital he tells he will n never takes me .i had been suffering like this for almost 5 months.
when i shout at him why dont u take me to hospital he tells he has no love for me n so dosent care
to take.
i was tired of all these fights evryday ,over that i was ill healthy n over that this
babys responsibility.i am feeling like killing myself.dont know wat to do.

finally when we had last fight i asked him seriously to speak the truth that does he really love me,
he put his hand on bible n told that he dosent love me anymore n hez living with me only for sake of
baby, i was shattered hearing that.i asked why wat was wrong
he told that i am not like he expected me to be,he wanted a very soft wife who will never speak
aganist him n his parents.will not interfere in money matters,will not expect anything form him.
will serve his parents n never complain about anything.

i was really heartbroken,i did not know what to speak bcoz ther was no mistake of mine too,
| evn i sacrificed a lot from my side.
i decided n told him i dont want to live in such relation where thrz no love n respect n will
go back to india .once he returns to india will decide further wat to do but as of now i will
go with the baby.he never let me go also
he told he just lied telling he dosent love me so thet i will change like he wants.
(but anywazi dont beleieve that anymore).

i have very small desires like going for a walk with him,shopping with him etc...he tells
i should not expect such things.he spends all his leisure with either laptop or his friends,i get
irritated so much with his behaviour.he dosent have that common sense too,like when he came to india
to see baby he brought so many gifts for the baby i was so happy.but he never even thought of me to bring
any small thing.he never celebrates my birthday neither buys me any surprise gift.inturn i always
arrange for party on his birthday buy him gifts evry now n thn.always cook food of his taste.
i dont undrstand what more should i do.

please patiently read my msg n kindly lend ur advice

thanks
sarika
broken lady replied. hi sarika
if u could not go to the hospital.. dont worry. you could ask ur parents to send medecins/ ointment (eg kailaas jeevan, castor oil)) from india.. this is the easiest way.
gud luck sarika thanks replied. thanks prada /another girl/yam

i am just hoping that my affection towards him will definitely change his behaviour someday n form past 15 days i am keeping silence on watver he does...n to good i have seen some change .hez become more considerate about me n baby.
takes us out on week ends ...etc
well as another girl n prada told am trying create my own world
earlier i never used to go out alone i was longing that he should take me,but now i plan to go out atleast once in a week without him so that even i learn few things n my own,am trying to concentrate on physical fitness ,spritual growth,n cooking(thz for him)...among all these i am occupied n n find less time to think about him...so finding life is changed n am a bit happy after this long turmoil prada replied. That' s some good piece of advice ,another girl has given you.Concentrate on yourself.Do it yourself.Do not make your husband feel that you are depending or dying to depend on him.I mean to say the more you ask your husband to spend time with you ,to care for you,to help you ,the greater will be your husband' s feeling to make you want some more of him. That' s the basic psychology of an average indian husband.
Take time for yourself.Don' t feel dejected that your husband doesn' t care for you intead you take good care of yourself and feel the capability of taking care of a 100 more people,from within yourself.Watch funny and relaxing movies.Create your own world ,and see that you' ll have no time longing for your husband' s attention.Take care. Another Girl replied. Hi Sarika,

I am really very sorry for what you have gone through even after a love marriage and understanding each other for 2 years before marriage.

I would stringly suggest that you start concentrating on yourself before thinking about your husband and your baby girl.

If you are not happy, only negative vibes will surround you, your baby and your married life.

Before I proceed, remember if your partner' s expectations are that, tell him to marry a non living thing. Being a non working wife you have every right to ask about his finaces. As far as his speaking to family members privately...let him do that... caz if he speaks in front of you... trust me.. u won' t like the happiness on his face while he speaks to them and u will start comparing ur relationship with his parents.

For you, start going out on your own. You don' t understand language, no problem...go to library or buy a dictionary, learn language of your country. You are hurt, go to the hospital, their might be translators to help you notify your problem to the doctors. Heel yourself first.

Start redaing novels, note libraries have stuff in many languages. You have to open your eyes to see that your world is quite big and your husband...ur family is no longer the ONLY world for u.

I really think...this bit is good enough to start. Haiku replied. Sarika,

I do not mean divorce by any chance, but I do think you need temporary separation for your husband to get some time and opportunity to re-evaluate his marriage. You and your H need M(arraige)C(ounseling) which may not be possible effectively in a country where english is not spoken, thats why you need to get back to India and you need to go for I(ndividual)C(ounseling) immediately.

Asking you to suggest a D and be done with that does not require much thought, but thats not solution thats just avoiding the problem.

Only a very professional couseling of both you and H can get to the root of the problem and hence travel to the solution. Please keep talking.

Your In-Laws and the lack of clear communication about the religious practices that you would practise post marriage and of course the broad mind required to be in a complex mixed marriage like yours have complicated the situation over a long period of time.

But in addition to those some of your H' s behaviours are surprisingly poor and talks of a small town narrow outlook. Criticism apart, I am in favor of salvaging the situation than explode it. yam replied. dear sarika,dont take any drastic steps to end ur relationship. this is only a passing phase.with ur love and affection u can change ur husband behaviour. u r alone with out inlaws this ur opputunity to change him . when he speaks with his parents dont question him.try to be behave how ur before marriage.marriage in india is like we r married to the entire fly.what to do we have adjust for the of the sake ou r children.dont argue.hope ur affection and love changes him. Haiku replied. Dear Sarika,

I am sorry that you are in this very sorry state of affairs. However having read your story I do get this very strong feeling that what he said with the Bible in hand is actually true!

And if that be the case, you do need separation immediately. He may not even take that trouble to serve you with this need of yours, because to him it simply does not matter any more.

Abuse, verbal and physical are crime. Not attending to you when you are ill is inhuman. Not allowing you medical attention having taken the marriage vow is crime too.

WHAT YOU NEED TO DO : Do not ask him to arrange your travel. Ask your parents if they would shelter you till you get a job in India? Ask your parents too to arrange for your passage back to India. Where are you? Scandinavia? Answer only if you feel comfortable.

You need two kinds of help : One legal and second Psychological counseling. Right now you are also possibly in a depressed state, you also need some immediate but mild anti depressants. But all this can wait for your arrival in India. You need to get back home from this uncomcerned house arrest fast.

Do write back, I will respond.